(no subject)
I think I've missed my cue again.
That would be the cue that says it's time to fuck off now because he's done with me.
How else would you read being told on Sunday that he'll be tied up Wednesday through the following Sunday, saying to him we should definitely do something tomorrow or Tuesday, then finding out he made plans for Monday as well and feeling like a fool for driving down there and making a pest of yourself? Sure feels like getting blown off to me.
My horoscope told me it was going to happen, and not to take it personally.
Yeah, right.
I don't know when I became one of those people who gets their feelings hurt if you breathe on them, but it sure enough happened somehwere along the way.
Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck is wrong with me? I need a god-damned life. I had a god-damned life and then my horse fell down.
I have no right to be mad at anyone but myself. Honestly, I'm not mad. I just hate this fucking shit. Every god-damned time, I swear. No more. (I know! I say that every time! Don't get on me about it. This has been so completely different from the get-go that I've basically had to toss my rule book out the window because none of it applies.)
I need to go to the fucking bank to make a deposit, and I'm afraid I'll miss the fucking call that's not coming if I leave the fucking house. He was calling a couple times a day there for awhile. I guess that pattern changing should have been my first clue. My chance to back away slowly without all of this.
Like seriously. I know that he's legitimately busy. I know this. And there's a lot on his mind besides just all the stuff that has to be done in a short period of time and how he's gonna pay for it. I know this. I am not his whole world and he can't pay attention to me all the time, which is healthy, and I know this as well. In fact it occurs to me that he is probably doing me a favor by continuing to display an interest in me at all when he probably doesn't need the additional stress of a woman in his life. Especially one who seems apt to get all needy and psycho. (Not that I consider myself psycho by any stretch. On the contrary, I think I am a completely normal woman having completely normal feelings. The only thing abnormal about me is the fact that I am usually pretty willing to acknowledge said feelings and even talk about them with anyone I'm not afraid wil go running in the opposite direction at the very thought. Obviously I'm still afraid of this from him in spite of his having shown me repeatedly that he is not the same as the general male population where conversation is like pulling teeth. And news flash, people have needs!)
But given that the last relationship I had with a guy I actually liked ended with him copping-out on a similar god-damned excuse, would you be panicking, too? Or am I just doing the stupid crazy clingy woman shit that I know is only going to drive him away faster? Fuck! And why am I second-guessing myself yet again instead of just allowing myself to feel how I feel? Why the fuck am I so attached to someone I knew I couldn't keep anyway? Do I do this on purpose because it's an easy out? Is pain still such an effective security blanket for me? Familiarity...
What the fuck, man! Should've kept my god-damned blinkers on.
I think I'm just having an acute attack of insecurity.
My horoscope says I'm just having a temper tantrum because everything isn't going how I want it to, and that it will get worse tomorrow. Stupid, I know, but it's what I've got. It's pretty much all the outside input I'm getting.
I'd much rather talk to him. The thing is, whether he wants to talk to me. Phone ain't ringing; obviously not. Even though he said we would. Soon. Clearly his is not aware of what "soon" means in girl-years. Or it was just a ploy to get rid of me.
I am nervous about what will follow if he happens to come on here and read this, for while it is a well-known fact that all women are inherrently crazy, I'm not at all convinced that men know about the degree to which this is true. But fuck it. This is the only therapy I can afford, plus I was here first, plus if this makes him get all flighty, I'd hate to think what would happen if there was ever a real argument.
If you are done with me please say so so that I can stop this.
Otherwise, please just stop confusing me with your mixed signals and back and forth shit. I am clearly having plenty of uncertainties, too, but I'm being pretty god-damned honest with you about where I'm at with all of it, not being all hot-and-cold wishy-washy. Courage is not the absence of fear. If you're gonna ride, then by God, do it like you mean it and ride hard.
I am also nervous about making him feel bad if he sees all of this. Maybe he'll go further away if he finds out. I hope not. He didn't go away yesterday after I emoted more than I meant to; in fact he gave me a hug in the midst of me scrambling to get my stupid walls back up. I told him my relationships only work if the man likes me more than I like him; otherwise I turn into a wreck worrying about it. Case in point. I hope he doesn't draw the conclusion from my ramblings this is detrimental to me or something like that; on the contrary, nothing this good has happened to me in... a damned long time.
I feel way better with that out of my system.
Conclusions: This must be something I really want in my life.
No, not this crazy ass chaotic shit.
A man. A man I can count on. A pretty damned close friend that I can hug and kiss and touch and cuddle, too, without it being gay, and if it happens to turn sexual occasionally, bonus! And if not, even better! But fuck, to have something like this has been, where there isn't always pressure to do it, where the sex is there, but in proportion to the actual backbone and substance of the relationship rather than being the whole thing. Not getting treated like the relationship is nothing if I'm not putting out regularly, like it's not worth the effort of the conversations I normally have to force out of them if they're not getting the sex they practically have to force out of me...
Is this not everything I've always said I wanted? To feel like a man would be with me even if I never put out?
This man made me feel like I was worth something for a little while there. I know this isn't something a healthy person would rely on a man for, and I do know that I'm worth something even without anyone else's approval; I just don't always feel it. Been starving for exactly this kind of contact, and this kind of conversation, and this kind of hope, and had gone long enough without that I kind of didn't know what I was missing anymore. I sure as shit know it now.
I guess, like ice cream, the longer you go without it the weaker the cravings get. And like crack, all it takes is one bump to send you spiralling out of control again. But like racing, no matter how bad it hurts me, this is something I keep coming back to. It must be something I really want. Maybe not quite as much as I want to win races and make something of myself, independently, so that I can be secure with myself.
But close.
I'm not to the point yet where I feel like I can just go anywhere and ride, and that's probably more of a confidence thing than anything to do with my actual riding skills. But on the off chance he gets stalls someplace where I think I've got a shot, by God, my ass is gonna be there. Maybe that's just setting myself up for an even bigger diappointment and maybe even more career setbacks due to the distraction I'm sure to suffer as a result.
But this is important to me, too, and I want to see where it goes given a chance, cuz for once in my life I don't think I could do much better. He probably could, but he'll have to figure out and decide on that for himself, cuz I sure ain't gonna tell him.
He keps telling me not to expect anything. If I was smart I might take that as a warning that he's probably not as available as I'm going to want him to be. Instead I'm choosing to think of it as kind of a zen thing not to go making plans prematurely cuz then there's pressure which breeds misunderstanding and resentment, which breed disaster. You can't push it. If it doesn't grow, it doesn't grow. It'll suck, but I won't regret it. Best thing that's happened to me in a long damned time. Five years, at least. That was when I won my last race, I'm guessing: my senior year. It may have been even longer than that. Sophomore year was the last one I can specifically remember going at that level of exertion, giving me that high. Maybe god thinks I finally deserve a moment or two of bliss. One cannot cause growth; one can only provide favorable conditions in which to allow growth. I' m not planning; just hoping.
Cross your fingers, don't hold your breath, right?
I am pleased with my return to rationality in the second half of this entry. Yay for internet therapy. I am going to the bank now.