I'm home
A warm feel feeling spread in my chest while I typed in my credentials.
Hello Livejoural, beloved dear, I'm home again.
I had so much to write. I have so much to write. I could spend until Sunday, pouring my heart into your palms. I couldn't for more than one and a half year. I wanted to write but it was too much. I couldn't focus and the sheer thought of staring and getting lost for days and days of writing scared me. I was also afraid. I was burned out, feared my own thoughts. Had a hard time believing myself, yet daring let others read them.
I jumped over my own shadow. I learned to be myself again. I still do. I abandoned a lot. Projects, precious time, friends. Not all, not everything. But some. It's so hard to write and read "abandoning friends". It never makes sense when writing it, yet life tells that things change, must change. For the better. Life isn't always easy and the attempt to keep it easy makes it worse. Life is about decisions. I had a hard time finding myself. I learned a lot of things. The most three vaulable ones are:
1) There is no use in forcing ourself to not do something, especially when we hold a grudge against someone but our heat tells us otherweise. It tears us apart. All we have is our soul and our brotherliness. We should give in when our heart tell us to do something nice even when our hate tells us not to. Hate paints us black. But we should shine. It doesn't mean we're naive and weak but selfaware and true to ourself. It's okay to help when knowing why we do it. It doesn't mean others can manipulate us because we're aware of ourself and each decision is a new one.
2) Sometime you need to leave things behind. Sometimes also people, also friends to find yourself. Because without being yourself, on one knows who you are. You can't feel loved, nor can you be sure others like you. The you you don't know. Things change. We do. It's a good thing and nothing keeps us more from finding ourself then the wrong attempts to live up to wrong expectations.
3) What is supposed to happen will happen. It's not in our power nor is it us allowed to keep things the way they are. Procastinating changes makes it only harder to adapt. Change is good said once a smart Baboon named Rafiki. A change for the good, of course. Embrace changes. If we try to keep things or even ourself they ways they/we are we're doomed to loose touch with time and ourself. The larger the distance between us and the changed world grows the more lost we feel. Until we break, watching, unable to act.
Hello Livejoural, beloved dear, I'm home again.
I had so much to write. I have so much to write. I could spend until Sunday, pouring my heart into your palms. I couldn't for more than one and a half year. I wanted to write but it was too much. I couldn't focus and the sheer thought of staring and getting lost for days and days of writing scared me. I was also afraid. I was burned out, feared my own thoughts. Had a hard time believing myself, yet daring let others read them.
I jumped over my own shadow. I learned to be myself again. I still do. I abandoned a lot. Projects, precious time, friends. Not all, not everything. But some. It's so hard to write and read "abandoning friends". It never makes sense when writing it, yet life tells that things change, must change. For the better. Life isn't always easy and the attempt to keep it easy makes it worse. Life is about decisions. I had a hard time finding myself. I learned a lot of things. The most three vaulable ones are:
1) There is no use in forcing ourself to not do something, especially when we hold a grudge against someone but our heat tells us otherweise. It tears us apart. All we have is our soul and our brotherliness. We should give in when our heart tell us to do something nice even when our hate tells us not to. Hate paints us black. But we should shine. It doesn't mean we're naive and weak but selfaware and true to ourself. It's okay to help when knowing why we do it. It doesn't mean others can manipulate us because we're aware of ourself and each decision is a new one.
2) Sometime you need to leave things behind. Sometimes also people, also friends to find yourself. Because without being yourself, on one knows who you are. You can't feel loved, nor can you be sure others like you. The you you don't know. Things change. We do. It's a good thing and nothing keeps us more from finding ourself then the wrong attempts to live up to wrong expectations.
3) What is supposed to happen will happen. It's not in our power nor is it us allowed to keep things the way they are. Procastinating changes makes it only harder to adapt. Change is good said once a smart Baboon named Rafiki. A change for the good, of course. Embrace changes. If we try to keep things or even ourself they ways they/we are we're doomed to loose touch with time and ourself. The larger the distance between us and the changed world grows the more lost we feel. Until we break, watching, unable to act.