[Fic] A Paradise ~Chapter 9~
Chapter 8
With blurry eyes, Kazuya walked along the way. He didn’t care how many times he almost clashed with people passing by and with people shouts as well as people curses that addressed to him. He held back his tears and tried to walk as firm as he can. At least, he was not crying in the public.
He closed his mouth while Yamapi had a conversation with Jin. He found it difficult to enjoy his own ice tea so he just left the drink unfinished allowing the ice cubes to melt and blend with the tea. His presence was like an unnoticeable shadow. Every laugh and joke they shared together as more than enough proof of how close Yamapi and Jin seemed to be.
Yamapi’s handsome face reflected the beam of happiness every time his eyes were on Jin. How could a clumsy boy like Kazuya hope for something more from someone so different like Jin? Compared to his senpai Kazuya was nothing. Even in photography Yamapi had taught him so many things he hadn’t known before.
In the middle of their conversation (or more precisely Jin and Yamapi’s conversation), Kazuya excused himself claiming he needed to go to another place. He lied and felt bad for lying in front of both his admired senpai but most of all he felt guilty with Jin. He admitted he had certain feelings towards the latter though it seemed he should let it go sooner because of his promise to Pi. Yamapi had a crush on Jin for a such a long time and what more he had been so nice towards him. How could he not keep supporting his senpai after all the kindness he had shown him?
Yet deep inside Kazuya’s heart he really liked Jin. The care and the generosity that Jin showed to him made Kazuya feel that there are still people who realize that he exists in this world. Maybe it was just the simple attention that was part of Jin’s outgoing personality but it meant a lot to somebody like him. Jin made Kazuya believe that people deserve their own happiness even only just a little. He felt accepted.
But supporting Yamapi burdened him in spite of his willingness to stand behind his senpai. Furthermore he never expected Jin could be that person. He only knew Jin was Yamapi’s best friend since childhood, nothing more. Now he blamed himself. He should at least have remembered that there are countless relationships that start from friendship and this could also apply to the friendship between Jin and Pi.
The thought of it kept haunting Kazuya until he finally got home. Weakly he searched for his key in his pocket and opened the door, walking inside without any enthusiasm. He missed his bed right now and all he wanted to do was escape into dreamland. But he caught a glimpse of his cousin who was sprawled out on the sofa reading a magazine.
Ryo swiftly stood up when he noticed Kazuya and greeted his cousin with a big smile. “Finally you’re home! Your mother was here so I was allowed to wait for you inside. How rare, huh? I’ve forgotten how long it’s been since I’ve last met her.” Ryo said while he pulled Kazuya’s shoulder in a means of a friendly embrace. “Hey, what’s with this look? You seem upset. How was the meeting with your friend by the way? I was so glad when you said that you’ll be spending your weekend with- Kazuya?!”
The tears that Kazuya had tried to suppress finally welled up and were now sliding smoothly down his cheeks. Kazuya really wished that Ryo wasn’t here at this moment. Not because he hated Ryo but he didn’t want his cousin pitying him. If Ryo had found him crying in front of him, Kazuya was sure he’d want him to tell him the truth about why he was crying. His cousin knew Kazuya’s every little secret but when it came to Jin, Kazuya had barely dragged him into the conversation.
“Sit down, I’ll make hot chocolate for you.” Ryo commanded.
Kazuya only nodded while he wiped his tears and did was he was told. Ryo immediately headed towards the kitchen and made his own recipe of hot chocolate. The smell of chocolate spread outside the kitchen before it reached Kazuya’s nose. It helped him calm his nerve a bit.
Five minutes later Ryo came back with two cups of hot chocolate in his hands. Kazuya accepted the cup and inhaling the aroma. It was always Ryo’s habit to make hot chocolate every time his cousin seemed to be in a bad mood. And Ryo’s method proved to be a success, as Kazuya would always smile slightly the second after he sipped his drink.
“Thank you...“ Kazuya feebly said. “Your hot chocolate is always the best.”
Ryo smiled and gave the slender boy a ‘now-tell-me-what’s-your-problem’ look although Kazuya pretended he didn’t get it.
“What’s your recipe, Ryo? You should share it with me so I could make my own too.” Kazuya still tried to avoid telling Ryo the truth by asking an unnecessary thing.
Ryo shook head and answered the latter question. “Never. It’s my secret weapon every time you have a problem.” He said between his chuckles. “So... tell me!”
Kazuya held his cup tightly and felt so nervous. He knew sooner or later Ryo would insist him tell him the truth. Even if he tried to avoid Ryo with all of his might his cousin would come back again to make sure that no secrets were hidden. That was why it was so difficult for him to hide his feelings from Ryo.
He opened his mouth yet it was so hard to speak the truth. So, Kazuya sipped his hot chocolate once more, closing his eyes and timidly said the thought that across his mind.
“Have you ever fallen in love?”
Ryo was stunned for a short moment before he let out a voiceless laugh when he understood Kazuya’s question. What a surprise! His only cousin who was so clumsy and unsociable was asking him something about love? How amusing. But when he looked up to see Kazuya still had his eyes closed while noticeably trembling with his cup still in his hands, Ryo’s laughter stopped and was replaced by a considerate smile.
“I did.” Ryo casually answered.
“You did?” Unsurely Kazuya opened his eyes and he stared on the latter’s face.
Ryo nodded. He sat with his legs crossed and facing Kazuya before he began his story. “Three years ago I was in relationship with this beautiful man. Sadly it only lasted for a year before I realized that he actually was not serious with me.”
“Eh?” It was the only response that Kazuya could give. He was surprised between the fact that his cousin never telling him about his relationship or the fact that his cousin was in relationship with a boy.
Ryo decided to tell Kazuya more so hopefully Kazuya would open himself of one’s own accord. “Everything was fine and we never fought with each other. You know, sometimes I even thought that our relationship was too normal. I loved him of course and I was glad that we walked smoothly across this path that we decided to choose. Yet wasn’t it a bit abnormal if people in relationship never argue with each other? Moreover every time I spent my day with another guy, he never was jealous with me. It was more likely not because he’s such a nice guy but because he didn’t really care about me.”
“Therefore... you broke up with him because of boredom?” Kazuya told his prediction.
“No. It’s because I knew he loved somebody else. He never loved me, not even once.” There was a glimpse of sorrow that reflected on Ryo’s eyes. “He loved his friend but it seemed he doesn’t like him. He used me to forget his love toward his friend but he failed. At the end he asked me to spend Christmas night with him before he confessed that he couldn’t be with me again. I knew that the time for it would surely come though I didn’t know it could be so painful.”
Kazuya awkwardly put his hand on Ryo’s shoulder. It must be so hard to love someone who actually only uses you and pretends that he loves you with all of his heart. The thought of it caused the clumsy boy to envy the latter for being such a strong guy.
“Actually Ryo... today I met someone that my senpai loves.” Kazuya struggled to speak, against all the pain that he tried to endure since he found out the truth. But he didn’t want to cry. Ryo’s firmness taught him that he should face the reality bravely even when it cost him his own feeling. “I said that I’ll support him with this guy before I knew that he is someone that I love. It’s hurts. And it’s confusing. Honestly I really want to support my senpai because he had been so kind toward me. But I love him, he makes me feel special by his own way.”
“Then what you going to do?”
“I don’t know... I’m so confused.” Kazuya shrugged. He held both of his legs tightly and dropped his chin onto his knees. “But I guess, it’s better if I forget my feelings toward him. I will support my senpai who has been so nice willing to be my friend.”
“But you said that this man that you love can make you feel special by his own way. Are you sure you will just forget your feelings toward him? What if you regret it?”
“I know. He is the first guy who realized my existence. He is also the one that helped me at my first day as a new student. He is caring, just like you Ryo.”
Kazuya slightly smiled when he described this person. He was lost in another world. As if this man standing in front of the clumsy boy with all of his charm. Ryo wondered if the man surely had something that could make Kazuya easily fall in love with him even cry because of him. Still, the smile that curved on Kazuya’s face gradually faded when he continued his words.
“But he is so different with me. He lives in the world where the sun warmly shines on him while I’m hiding behind the shaded tree in order to avoid the sun. He is so dazzling and far from the reach. Also I can’t be selfish with someone indefinite. Yet it’s different with my senpai. He’s not too far to seek having more chance since he’s been in love for the past six years. You know, sometimes it’s better to sacrifice our feelings than a friendship. This applies for my case too.”
Ryo ruffled the younger’s hair with the trail of thought inside his head. His cousin is too innocent. Everybody has his or her right to be in love, including Kazuya. Especially whoever this guy is, he surely is amazing to make his cousin fall in love with him, which Ryo believed as Kazuya’s first love. Even so the older boy is also aware with the fact that his cousin will treasure his friend so much because he’s never have it before. It must be difficult for Kazuya. But Ryo makes sure whatever that might happen, he will stay beside Kazuya, supporting the latter and protecting him.
“You have such a sweet personality, Kazuya.” Ryo praised. “I respect what you had chosen but please... never say something like you’re hiding from the sun again because the sun belongs to everyone. Someday there will be a person who will realize the light inside of you. Don’t ever lower yourself.”
What Ryo said rendered a smile on the clumsy boy’s face. He felt so thankful for having a wonderful cousin as Ryo. Then he said his gratitude and changed the topic. “By the way, you never told me about that guy.” Kazuya said.
“Likewise, you never told me about yours.” Ryo defended himself. “Who’s this lucky person anyway?”
“His name is-”
Kazuya paused when the sound of bell suddenly echoed inside the house. “Oops... the pizza is coming. It took so long!” Ryo grumpily said, stood up and made his way towards the door. Kazuya followed him behind.
“You ordered pizza?”
“Yeah! Because we’ll watch a DVD until tonight!”
“Until tonight?” Kazuya shrieked. “No! You can’t! Not here!” The boy protested, ignoring the pizza man and shook Ryo’s body impatiently.
“Why?” Ryo rolled his eyes and gave the slender boy an annoying look.
Hereof their conversation about Jin was completely forgotten. Kazuya and Ryo were too busy with their pizza, exchanged some jokes and laughing together. At least Kazuya could let go of his sadness for a while.
---
Monday was coming so Kazuya will back with his school activity again. This morning, he woke up earlier because he had a class at 9 a.m. Ryo was still curled on his bed while snoring at the time he left. Yes, he finally ended up sleeping at Ryo’s house after he succeed convincing his cousin. Yesterday was such a bad day and he didn’t want to make it worsen by staying at his own house. He just hated his house, enough said.
What was unusual this time was that he did not walk alone along the way. There was Yuuichi beside him, walking as awkwardly as Kazuya yet he couldn’t hide the ray of happiness on his face. It was like a dream for Yuuichi going to the campus with a friend beside him. A friend! Yuuichi secretly noted the day as his own historical day. He finally had a friend, so he thought it would be better if he began the conversation between them.
“Kame.” Yuuichi timidly called Kazuya and got the other murmured “What?” as the reply.
“You know, I’m so glad going to the campus with you.”
Kazuya chuckled and gently answered. “Me too. Thank you, Yucchi.”
“By the way it just my feeling or not but I guess... you don’t seem good today.”
“Eh?” His eyes widen, unconsciously lifted his hand and slightly touched his cheek. Was it so clear if he had a trouble even Yuuichi who barely recognize him knew it? “No, it’s okay. Maybe it’s because I didn’t sleep enough last night.” And it was not a complete lie, he watched the DVD with Ryo until midnight.
Silent. No one said a word until they finally reached the entrance.
Unconsciously Kazuya gripped the tip of his white shirt tightly when they walked inside the campus. He was so nervous. A drop of sweat slid slowly because of anxiousness. Kazuya was haunted with the thought of how if he suddenly met...
“Kame?” Yuuichi turned back when he noticed if Kazuya all at once stopped on his track.
Jin was there. Most important with Yamapi beside him, touched him sometimes in the middle of their interesting conversation. The scenery hurt Kazuya, though Jin and Yamapi were so happy laughing together.
“Yuuichi, can I ask you something?” Kazuya said in his weak voice. Yuuichi quickly nodded and stared at the pale boy with so much attention. “Will it be the best thing ever that you can give to your friend when you say you will support him with whatever might happen especially when you even sacrifice your feelings for the sake of your friend’s happiness?”
Yuuichi was confused for a moment but immediately he nodded and shot a smile. “Of course. That was the best thing that a friend could do, isn’t it?”
On the other hand Yamapi finally aware that Kazuya was there with... oh who is he anyway and was thinking about dragging Jin somewhere so he doesn’t need to face the younger yet unfortunately Jin was faster to catch Kazuya’s figure.
“Kame-chan!” Jin cheerfully called the boy.
Kazuya inhaled, grabbed Yuuichi’s wrist suddenly and made the latter puzzled, not to mention quite surprised because Kazuya’s palm was so cold like an ice. He encouraged himself to face both of Jin and Yamapi, bowed with respect followed hesitantly with the flustered Yuuichi beside him.
“Ohayou Kame-chan, I’m glad that I-”
“-Ohayou Akanishi-san, Yamashita-san.” Kazuya swiftly cut Jin. “It’s nice to see you but we have a class soon. Therefore excuse us.”
Kazuya bowed once again before he dashed, made Jin widen his eyes with Kazuya’s sudden attitude. That was so nonchalantly and... cold?
“Oi! Kame-chan!” He called the boy helplessly with no result. “What was that anyway?!” Jin yelled but the latter’s back was completely disappeared.
“Nee Pi, something is wrong with him! He always been so cute I mean... shy! Why he acted that way? And then... who’s that guy anyway? Did I do something wrong? Tell me he was not himself before, right?”
Jin continuously whined about Kazuya though Yamapi actually just halfheartedly listened to the sulking boy in front of him. He didn’t care anyway as he already knew the reason. Instead of he smiled victoriously inside his heart.
♥ to be continued ♥
Big thanks for Ama-chan~! *hugs*
Not a quiet important chapter but did any of you noticed that there was something well... mysterious in it? Because tho it was not a very big chapter (at least that was I thought), it had some keys for the future chapters. So look forward for it! And gomen ne minna if it took so long to update (>////<).