Mish mash of emo Momo?
Seriously, I'm up too late and thinking too much. But this time, I'm going to try something new: not deleting the post when I'm done, and not putting it under private. Crazy, huh?
Ugh so the family "guilt gene" must finally be kicking in. All my life, my grandmother and my mother have talked about being up in the middle of the night feeling guilty for past wrongs, I guess this must be how it feels. Promise #1 as a future mother: if this continues, I will not lay this at my children's feet, saying "Oh I was up all night worrying about you", etc. I would rather not pass this on anymore.
What's tonight's worry? Damn near anything I can think of. It's kind of a slippery slope situation, you think of one stupid thing in your life and suddanly the rest comes sliding down as well. All it takes is one "Oh remember the time I..." and then it's too easy to find more and more memories leading in to each other--times I should have spoken up but didn't, times I spoke up when I shouldn't, spoke up the wrong way, etc. Fun fun fun. They of course all end with "...and it's no one's fault but my own." In a lot of these cases I've realized it really wasn't JUST my fault, but that doesn't always help in the middle of the night.
One of my biggest problems lately is that I'm falling into old habits. I made a lot of great strides during college in changing the things I hate about my personality, but it's hard when you finally realize one of your biggest problems is laziness :-) The thing I really need to focus on now is cultivating friendships, and I don't just mean online. See? Laziness. And a bit of cowardice. College made it easy when everyone was right there. But now we aren't, that's not how the world works and I need to learn to deal with it. I'll admit, I still have a bit of that high school "they probably don't want to hear from me", "I'm too boring to have a conversation", and "I'll just wait for someone else to make the first move." Yeah, I was the girl who waited for the other person to wave first in the hallway. Still am. I really just need to break through those walls, dive in headfirst...is that enough metaphor, or should I go on?
My other big problem is that feeling of being boring. I really do get to be a bit of a homebody, but I do need to go do something else once in a while. Recently, I joined a choir because I miss singing with other people, and meeting new people. However, this has led to another problem--I'm a bit uncomfortable with the performing aspects as well as the amount of time it needs (what can I say, I like being able to be flexible with my hours at work, when I can schedule programs), but I have to wonder if this is just me being uncomfortable with broadening my horizons or is this something more? I'm still pretty uncomfortable being the center of attention--hell, I can't even take a simple compliment without being embarassed--but maybe that's something I should be pushing myself toward more? It's worked with some other things, I'm just not sure I can get past that fear.
Well, I've gotten this far and I haven't changed to private and I've even let the comments stay on. If someone leaves a comment (this goes for LJ, facebook, etc.) and I don't respond, it's because I don't know how to respond so don't think badly on it, or that I haven't seen it. (though that has been known to happen, too!) Finally getting a bit sleepy, guess I'll go back to bed for a little while. We're off on vacation starting today (though I'm still not really feeling it, though it's my idea--maybe too soon after the BIG vacation? Eh.) so I can always sleep in the car. Thanks for letting me dump. I'm going to head for the post button quickly, so my hand doesn't get a chance to wander toward delete.
~kiki
Ugh so the family "guilt gene" must finally be kicking in. All my life, my grandmother and my mother have talked about being up in the middle of the night feeling guilty for past wrongs, I guess this must be how it feels. Promise #1 as a future mother: if this continues, I will not lay this at my children's feet, saying "Oh I was up all night worrying about you", etc. I would rather not pass this on anymore.
What's tonight's worry? Damn near anything I can think of. It's kind of a slippery slope situation, you think of one stupid thing in your life and suddanly the rest comes sliding down as well. All it takes is one "Oh remember the time I..." and then it's too easy to find more and more memories leading in to each other--times I should have spoken up but didn't, times I spoke up when I shouldn't, spoke up the wrong way, etc. Fun fun fun. They of course all end with "...and it's no one's fault but my own." In a lot of these cases I've realized it really wasn't JUST my fault, but that doesn't always help in the middle of the night.
One of my biggest problems lately is that I'm falling into old habits. I made a lot of great strides during college in changing the things I hate about my personality, but it's hard when you finally realize one of your biggest problems is laziness :-) The thing I really need to focus on now is cultivating friendships, and I don't just mean online. See? Laziness. And a bit of cowardice. College made it easy when everyone was right there. But now we aren't, that's not how the world works and I need to learn to deal with it. I'll admit, I still have a bit of that high school "they probably don't want to hear from me", "I'm too boring to have a conversation", and "I'll just wait for someone else to make the first move." Yeah, I was the girl who waited for the other person to wave first in the hallway. Still am. I really just need to break through those walls, dive in headfirst...is that enough metaphor, or should I go on?
My other big problem is that feeling of being boring. I really do get to be a bit of a homebody, but I do need to go do something else once in a while. Recently, I joined a choir because I miss singing with other people, and meeting new people. However, this has led to another problem--I'm a bit uncomfortable with the performing aspects as well as the amount of time it needs (what can I say, I like being able to be flexible with my hours at work, when I can schedule programs), but I have to wonder if this is just me being uncomfortable with broadening my horizons or is this something more? I'm still pretty uncomfortable being the center of attention--hell, I can't even take a simple compliment without being embarassed--but maybe that's something I should be pushing myself toward more? It's worked with some other things, I'm just not sure I can get past that fear.
Well, I've gotten this far and I haven't changed to private and I've even let the comments stay on. If someone leaves a comment (this goes for LJ, facebook, etc.) and I don't respond, it's because I don't know how to respond so don't think badly on it, or that I haven't seen it. (though that has been known to happen, too!) Finally getting a bit sleepy, guess I'll go back to bed for a little while. We're off on vacation starting today (though I'm still not really feeling it, though it's my idea--maybe too soon after the BIG vacation? Eh.) so I can always sleep in the car. Thanks for letting me dump. I'm going to head for the post button quickly, so my hand doesn't get a chance to wander toward delete.
~kiki