Journal 3

[rikishi26]

It is Christmas day, 2002, and my father and I are at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California to watch our favorite team, the Los Angeles Lakers. There is a sold out crowd on hand and all 20,000 people are on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. The score is 88 to 86. The Lakers are losing to their rivals, the Sacramento Kings.

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[prof_habib]

Right on! Nice work here. The present tense is a good choice here; it puts the reader right there with you on the stands. I felt completely immersed.

The only thing I'd encourage you to do is cut out the last two sentences...we can already tell he's your icon because you're focusing on him. No need to tell; you've already shown it.

(PS: Try to rework this cliche: "screaming at the top of their lungs")

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[anonymous]

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