Fic: Married At First Sight 3/4 + Epilogue
Title: Married At First Sight 3/4
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari
Rating: R to light NC-17
Word count: 8,600-ish/~39,000
Warnings: Language
Summary: AU: Experiment: Get married to a stranger and live together for four weeks before deciding whether or not to stay married or get a divorce. Nino and Ohno do things in reverse order.
Notes: Found on part 1.
*
Sex: he doesn’t know why it’s not happening.
It’s not because he doesn’t want to, god, he does want to. Shamelessly and enthusiastically, he’ll be a very willing participant once he figures out how to convey that to Ohno without seeming, well, too shameless about it. To be fair, Ohno is probably not aware of how easily sexy he is, how casual he is and how comfortable he seems with embodying his skin. He wears it so, so well. Nino would like to get on it immediately and thoroughly and climb Ohno like a damn tree, but that is, unfortunately, not an option. In public, at least, but it’s definitely not an option until Ohno gives any kind of indication that he would like to ravish Nino on the spot. Or be ravished. Nino is magnanimous, flexible and compromising like that.
He just doesn’t think it will be a very good tactic to lie in wait and then jump. Or maybe it’s actually an excellent idea, but it’s all about the execution.
The thing is - Nino doesn’t want to face the rejection if Ohno truly doesn’t want it. If he won’t want it at all or if Ohno is the kind of guy who wants to wait for a while until having sex, and maybe they don’t have enough time? He refuses to believe Ohno doesn’t want it at all. For one, male physique and normal reactions, really, the boners. Secondly, the way he kisses Nino, slow and long and intensely, deep and sucking and Nino kind of wants to curl into Ohno and cling to his skin and not actually move, breathing be damned.
But really, the boners.
But mostly how Ohno had started out by saying he liked sleeping on his side and that he was a restless sleeper, but still Nino wakes to Ohno all over him, clinging to him and nestled close, a hand under his shirt, a hand on his hip, breath on his collarbone or the back of his neck, but close to him and still, most of all. Sometimes Ohno has this look, this softness of his eyes (which is a feat on its own since there is a softness around Ohno at all times) that says he at least likes looking.
So why hasn’t Ohno done anything to indicate he would very much like to jump Nino’s bones? What is it?
Hey, Oh-chan, why don’t you want to have sex with me? He doesn’t exactly think he can just ask. Probably bad getting laid etiquette though Nino can’t honestly say he’s ever really paid much attention to that kind of thing, but again, if Ohno says he just doesn’t want to, then Nino would rather just not ask in the first place.
The entire it’s not you, it’s me would sound extremely bad in this situation, Nino thinks.
But he does want to know. And he doesn’t. It’s this weird, weird want that he can’t reconcile in his head, because it would be somehow good to know for a fact whether or not it’s ever going to happen, but he doesn’t want to know for fear of the answer being in the negative. Schrödinger’s cat? But in bed? He never said he was logical and this entire thing is just flat out annoying. He wants to know where he stands in this and he doesn’t. Fuck it, if he could screw his head on straight it would be awesome. Somehow, he feels like Ohno is to blame for this, stupidly sexy Ohno, who doesn’t even seem to know that he’s sexy. Not that that thought helps much.
On Saturday, Aiba hadn’t been as unbearably amused as Nino had predicted - if anything, he was full of ideas as to how he could make it up to Ohno, forgetting their one-week anniversary and all, and most of them involved lots of nakedness and ice cream, whipped cream and various other lickable substances. Nino hadn’t been amused, partly because, d’uh, not taking those ideas from Aiba, but mostly because of Nino not really thinking he could do that without having unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions in his pants before even executing said ideas.
Ohno looks at him from over dinner, smiles and looks back at his rice, which he’s been dedicating his sole focus on for way too long. Nino finds that that is pretty annoying.
“How was your appointment today?” That is a safe topic which has an answer that won’t make Nino jump him across the table. Probably.
It’s Thursday and the week has been excruciatingly long.
Ohno scrunches his face, eyes going skyward as he chews and thinks. “Matsuoka-sensei thinks that I might be thinking too much about things sometimes.”
Join the club, is what Nino thinks, but “Oh,” is what he says. Aware that he might not get any answers or won’t like what he’s actually being told, he asks, “Like what things?”
“Like, moving from one point to another,” Ohno shrugs. That’s probably one of the most bold-faced non-answers he’s ever heard. Ohno grins self-deprecatingly, as he if he’s very aware of what he just said, as if he’s very aware of what he didn’t say, and what Nino might think of it.
“How elaborate,” Nino says drily.
Looking down, apparently the rice is incredibly fascinating in and of itself, Ohno looks hesitant and very pointedly not at Nino. “I’m sorry,” he says, “it’s… difficult, for me. I don’t normally say these kinds of things and it’s difficult for me, saying them to you. It’s not that I don’t want to, just that it’s hard for me.”
A lump in his throat and a weight on his finger, Nino finds he can relate so hard to this that it’s actually kind of scary. Shimabukuro-san had said that it was important for them to communicate their feelings, and though it still sounds kind of kumbaya to Nino’s ears, he can’t help but feel the truth in those words as well, because if Ohno doesn’t tell him these things, Nino wouldn’t ever know. He’d have no idea. And it registers with a sense of profound gratefulness that lodges somewhere around the vicinity of his heart, that despite this being really, really far out of Ohno’s comfort zone, he’s still making an honest effort of it.
“And I don’t want to say these things with a third party with us,” Ohno admits quietly, spinning the bowl with rice and then letting go, then spinning the ring on his finger instead. “I want to say them to you, but I can’t, not yet. Is that okay?”
He looks so honest that Nino thinks he can literally feel something break in him, maybe the walls around his heart. Nino is so okay with that. “Yeah,” he says, voice rough. “Yeah, of course.”
Because Ohno wants to, and that means everything right now. Doesn’t that mean that it’s okay that Nino can’t say these things right now either? Ohno is brave in even saying this much, maybe he can be brave enough for the both of them and lend Nino some courage when he needs it?
Is this what intimacy is? Depending on someone else’s courage when you yourself have nothing left to give, if you’re ashamed enough to hide behind falsities and lack of sincerity, and then you can bask in someone else’s truth?
At this point they’ve been married for almost two weeks, and Nino finds that he’s learning, just by absorbing it, just by existing in it. If he could learn Ohno through osmosis, perhaps sex would already have happened. No, it most definitely would have, because Nino isn’t sure where this kind of self-control came from.
Oh right, fear of rejection. Damn it all.
*
On Friday, after their session with Shimabukuro-sensei, after the completion of their biweekly walk-around-a-chair-and-throw-compliments exercise, Ohno looks at him for a bit as Nino keeps sitting on the chair. Ohno’s hands are clenching and unclenching slowly, and Nino can’t help looking at the ring on his finger and then up at Ohno.
“Okay?”
Ohno nods slightly - he’s been this way since their session and Nino doesn’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, but unsettled? Yeah, definitely. For Ohno to be this quiet, even for him, Nino has a feeling that there’s something wrong, but - when is it the right time, when have they known each other for long enough for this kind of probing to be allowed?
“You sure?”
A flash of something across Ohno’s face before he nods again. “Yeah,” he says finally. “I’m fine.”
Nino’s not entirely sure of that, but maybe he’ll have to let it go for now. “So, we were going to order out today, right? I’m seriously not in the mood for cooking tonight, are you?”
“Not really,” Ohno admits and goddammit, he’s still looking at Nino. During the session with Shimabukuro-sensei, she’d asked him what he thought of the exercise, if he believed that Ohno was genuine when he complimented him, and he’d said of course. He can’t bear thinking otherwise.
The thing is - there are things that Nino is pretty particular about. He likes to think that he’s pretty chill about most things, but there are just things he’d like to not be happening. If Ohno would kindly press the end of the tube of toothpaste instead of the middle of it? That would make Nino incredibly happy. But they’re handling it.
He knows he’s tired. And he has blue balls. Mostly, he knows the veneer of god, what are we doing we don’t know each other, sorry was that your foot? is wearing off, and fast, at this point.
Communication is the key, or so Shimabukuro-sensei keeps telling them. Breathe and talk, it’s not the end of the world, not really.
“Is there a particular reason you’re looking at me like that?”
Ohno looks - caught. “Sorry,” he says without particularly sounding it. “I’m trying to figure out what I can say and I don’t know how you’ll react.”
“As long as you’re not telling me I suck at life, I’m pretty sure you can say anything to me,” Nino says even though that isn’t entirely true - he’s pretty sure there are a lot of things that will hurt, coming from Ohno, because existing in each other’s spaces, in this sort of close vicinity, does provide a certain kind of verbal ammunition.
“I think,” Ohno starts, stops, then starts again, hesitant, “I think, before this, before getting married… did you think that this would be what your life turned out to be?”
There’s a cold spot forming at the bottom of his stomach - if there isn’t, it sure feels like it. Is this Ohno backtracking everything? “I’m not sure,” he says, because what is there to say?
And apparently, he’s a lot more transparent than what he’s comfortable with, it has to be practically written all over his face, because Ohno pales inexplicably and his hands fly to Nino’s shoulders, and he squeezes.
“We’re so careful,” he murmurs. “Are we afraid we’re building something easily breakable, or are we just building carefully so it’s stronger in the end?”
That - that is actually an excellent question, and also just as scary as everything else they’re doing. Ohno crouches in front of him, his hands sliding down to Nino’s knees, where they thankfully stay, a comforting warmth to counter the ice Ohno just set off in Nino’s stomach.
“I need to say this to you, honestly,” Ohno says and drops his gaze, looks down as if he can’t bear doing anything else.
Is this how it ends before it even actually begins? With Ohno being honest and Nino having no choice but to listen because it’s what people owe each other? Because this is what they owe each other?
Is this what true intimacy is, listening because it’s what people should, because it’s what decency is, is it the courage to take whatever you need to take from the people that matters, because they’re near enough for them to hurt you, but you’re trusting them to treat you with the care you want to believe you’re worthy of?
Ohno looks up at him, and he looks raw and vulnerable and it softens something inside of Nino, how Ohno looks like his world is on the verge of breaking in two - he looks like Nino thinks he is looking, and he can’t help but want to touch him, anywhere he’s allowed. His hands find Ohno’s face, cups it and he just can’t help it. He is unbearably fond of him; if Ohno doesn’t want to do this with him, already decided on everything two weeks in, merely halfway, Nino isn’t prepared to let go. He simply isn’t and he doesn’t want to.
“I’m not in love with you,” Ohno says in a rush.
It should positively gut him, hearing that. It doesn’t. Somehow, it just doesn’t - he’s waiting, he knows there’s more, Ohno wouldn’t do this to him, he simply wouldn’t say this unless there was a reason. Ohno is not cruel. He’s forgetful and absentminded and sometimes just absent, but never deliberately cruel.
Ohno is still looking at him, and he reiterates, “I’m not in love with you,” and then he leans into Nino’s hands, breathes, and says, “but I could be. I could be. I could fall in love with you, and it would be so easy.”
In breathless awe, Nino wonders what it costs Ohno to say that, to be so honest with someone he still doesn’t know all that well, all their efforts be damned.
Intimacy - kissing Ohno’s breath right out of his lungs because there’s no other possible answer. Ohno surges up from his crouch on the floor, kisses him fiercely, and Nino kisses back just as hard, fingers sliding to the strands of Ohno’s hair and he grips him with probably too much strength. Ohno’s hands cup the back of Nino’s skull, holds him and Nino so doesn’t mind - with others it had always felt presumptuous, but Ohno holding his head in place is just right.
Ohno kisses him deeply, wet and deep and sucking, and Nino cants his head and just takes whatever Ohno wants to give him. Ohno’s hands, now wandering up and down over his back in broad sweeps, feel like they set his nerves on end, and he presses right back into Ohno’s touches, leans into him and their kiss breaks as Ohno overbalances and falls back on his haunches with a laugh.
His eyes are so dark and so, so appealing, and Nino gets to his feet, offers Ohno a hand up and then just folds into him, kisses his mouth, his cheek, his chin, he bites at Ohno’s neck when Ohno responds so beautifully to him, arching into him and keening.
He’s alight with sensations, he’s blinded to everything but Ohno and he’s not entirely sure how they move or when they do, but Ohno lowers him to a soft surface, (hey, it’s their Ikea bed! Good thinking on Ohno’s part,) and kisses him, presses him into the mattress and Nino wants. His hands are restless and he scrambles to get under Ohno’s shirt, to get his hands on as much skin as possible. Ohno sits up over him and Nino follows with a laugh and helps Ohno out of his shirt, laughs even more when Ohno’s eagerness in divesting Nino of his shirt ends with Nino getting a mouthful of fabric.
“Easy,” Ohno chuckles, hands falling to Nino’s bare shoulders. “There’s time.” There’s just the teeny tiny fact that Ohno’s eager, clever fingers are pretty much contradicting that statement and Nino shivers because -
He has wanted this since practically the first night in Kyoto and he has the bluest balls north of the South Pole; there’s just no way he’s going to take his time. It’s finally happening. This is also intimacy, this baring of bodies that, in the grand scheme of things, is both extremely important but also completely irrelevant if Ohno hadn’t been who he is.
“God,” Ohno chokes out, “Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” and he says this into Nino’s neck and exhales harshly into his collarbones, and Nino just throws his arms around Ohno’s neck, holds him close and relishes in it all.
Figures: Ohno is now just about as verbal as he is outside of the bedroom - just a million times dirtier. “Your mouth, holy shit,” Nino breathes and sets out to retaliate. Ohno’s skin is a wonder and Nino’s mouth waters when he finally gets Ohno on his stomach, because Ohno is ridiculously sexy.
“Even your back is sexy,” Nino despairs and grins when Ohno huffs a laugh, his body moving under Nino’s hands, “no, seriously, I knew it, but how?” and Ohno dissolves into giggles and this, this is fantastic, this is great, this is - Nino seriously lacks words for how absolutely phenomenal this is. He’s learning that Ohno is a sensualist; Ohno is extremely responsive, he likes what feels good, but he also likes what feels good to Nino. He’s ridiculously pleased with himself when he makes Nino moan, and when Ohno bites at his shoulder, Nino just gives up on ever silencing himself with him.
“Bring it,” he laughs when Ohno rolls to his back and tugs at Nino’s arms, tugs him down and he just looks so fascinated with him that Nino has to duck his head. Ohno kisses him; it’s gentler than before, not as urgent, but exploratory in its own right, and Nino kind of feels like he could fuse into Ohno and just exist with him. Ohno’s mouth is hot and wet and just right, and Nino is pretty sure he hasn’t been this turned on from kissing since he was a teenager. Ninomiya Kazunari - still the world’s oldest teenager.
Ohno’s hands holds his head, kisses him and then rolls him, and then he presses Nino right back into the mattress, just like they started out, except for the fact that the wide expanse of Ohno’s skin is now exposed and Nino feels hungry. The kisses are deep as Ohno licks into his mouth and holds him close, and it feels like a welcome invasion of all his senses.
“Just so we’re clear,” he says, short of breath, into Ohno’s saliva slick lips, kiss bruised and lovely, and he is very gratified to see Ohno’s pupils blown wide with lust. He looks dazed. “We’re actually going to have sex now, right?”
There’s a long moment where it looks like Ohno has to physically rearrange his brain cells to make sense of words, but then his lips twitch and he’s laughing and burying his face in Nino’s neck, his whole body shaking with it.
“Hey, I’m serious,” Nino insists though Ohno’s body is moving and beautiful on top of him, and he’s actually not complaining. “It would suck if we weren’t, I mean, I’m not - ”
It’s not a kiss, not really, because Ohno is laughing too much for it to be anything serious, but it does stop Nino from talking.
“You,” Ohno says, “are a goddamn tease,” and he’s still grinning, “do you even know how difficult it is to not hump you silly in the mornings?”
Yes, this Nino knows. “Ye-es,” he says emphatically and then Ohno rocks above him, aligning their hips, ah yes, glorious, glorious boners, not just a morning phenomenon anymore. “You’re so sex- ah, don’t stop,” he says as Ohno rocks into him again and then it’s altogether a little too difficult to form coherent thoughts.
It’s not a race, not really, but kicking their pants off is an important exercise in not kneeing each other in the crotch, as that would definitely put a dampener on the further proceedings, and they end up slip-kicking inelegantly (and laughing, because of all their clothes, Nino’s sock remains on and Ohno looks so thoroughly charmed that Nino makes a show of looking put out by that damn sock) and then Ohno is pulling him back down by his wrist, hands sliding up his arms, over his shoulders, before coming to rest on his hips in a grip that’s possessive and tight.
Skin, so much glorious skin, so much to touch and claim and Nino is sure he’s never felt this greedy before, but there’s knowledge settling in his bones, that this is his to touch for the rest of his life if they do this right. He’s pretty sure the prospect is supposed to be daunting, but right now, with Ohno warm and beautiful and so, so willing to be touched by Nino, is damn near as perfect as it gets.
Ohno’s ass is truly fantastic, he thinks, as he kneads the flesh and he tells Ohno as much, which makes Ohno laugh again, and so far there’s been a remarkable amount of laughter and surprisingly little awkward, and even when he’s kind of afraid he’ll accidentally poke Ohno in the face with his dick because holy shit, he was right, Ohno’s goddamn mouth, there’s just that; ease and laughter and so much sheer want that Nino isn’t entirely sure what to do with it besides just pouncing.
So pounce he does.
Ohno is so responsive to his touches, like a finely tuned instrument, he’s ticklish and sensitive and the exact right kind of vocal, every sound from his mouth is a reward and Nino revels in it. Maybe it’s the anticipation, but god, he wants it. When Nino sucks on Ohno’s fingers, Ohno’s eyes darken and suddenly Ohno is not laughing anymore. There is no discussion, just a wordless question and Nino nods because who the fuck actually cares about positions when he’s got Ohno in his bed? Ohno, whose fingers are long and clever and so goddamn sexy Nino seriously can’t stop his brain from short-circuiting?
He preps Nino with much more care and boyish eagerness than Nino has experienced in maybe ever, and Ohno gets to working three fingers into him and Nino is pretty sure it’s game over the moment Ohno even gets to fuck him, because it’s been a while and Ohno is just that hot. “Come on, I’m ready,” he says and Ohno complies, lets go of his hip and slips his fingers out, and even though it was on his orders, Nino feels empty. Ohno lets Nino roll a condom on him, and then he lines up, grabs Nino’s hands and pushes.
Nino groans.
Ohno’s mouth goes slack, the flush in his face is goddamn gorgeous and slick with sweat, and Nino uses his hands to bring Ohno’s face down to meet his own, and while Ohno’s hips are hard and demanding, the kiss isn’t, and Nino just stops thinking. There’s so much kissing after that, pushes, and Nino kind of loses track of which limb belongs to whom, but he is so okay with that.
Later, he feels boneless, warm and sated and sore in all the right ways, and he can’t stop running his tingling fingers over Ohno’s skin, his lips, the corner of his mouth where he presses his fingers in, tracing the narrow slope of his nose and his eyebrows, brushes the sweat slicked hair out of his face.
“Mmmm, married sex is amazing,” Ohno says, dazed and sleepy and sounding like stringing words together is not something that is coming easily to him.
Nino snorts a laugh, ducks his head and rests it on Ohno’s collarbones. “You’re ridiculous,” he says, still laughing, and looks up again to see Ohno still looking completely blissed out.
“I just came my brain out,” Ohno defends with some wonder in his voice, “and you know, we didn’t get to have you’re-so-hot-are-we-dating-now?-sex or even fuck-yeah-we’re-going-to-get-married-sex, so I’m kind of glad that married sex is this amazing.”
It’s not like Nino is actually disagreeing. He pushes Ohno’s lips together with his fingers and grins, then blurts a laugh when Ohno tickles him in retaliation. “Yes yes, I get it, married sex is amazing,” he says dutifully and then kisses him again because it’s just physically impossible for him to not kiss him right in that moment, and also because he can. He breaks away, just an inch, and he knows he has to say this, he owes it to Ohno for all Ohno’s honesty.
“I,” he starts, “I could fall in love with you, too.” He thinks it would be so easy, too. Isn’t that a wonder?
Ohno smiles, small and private and somehow more intimate than sex, and then he says, “fuck, how was that for a two-week anniversary?”
“Oh god, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck,” Nino groans. Beside him, Ohno is laughing like there’s nothing funnier in the world, because, “I forgot it again!”
“Luckily for you,” Ohno says through a laugh, “I don’t actually care much about anniversaries.”
“Obviously, neither do I,” Nino chuckles and hides his face behind a hand, then when that proves inadequate, Ohno’s chest. “Fuck it all, damn it.”
Ohno is still laughing when his fingers sift through Nino’s hair, scratching his nails over his scalp and okay, maybe Ohno actually doesn’t care much. But twice in a row? God, he sucks.
“Forget it,” Ohno says, a beat, and then he laughs when Nino punches his shoulder.
“You jerk,” Nino hisses but he’s failing at being stern, because Ohno clearly is on the extreme opposite spectrum of being unrepentant. “Why me?”
“I’m sorry,” Ohno gasps through a laugh when Nino socks him again. “It’s funny, okay! Abuse, abuse!”
“You deserved it,” Nino sulks and rolls over on top of Ohno. He crosses his arms and rests his head on them. Ohno is radiantly happy, beautiful and laughing, and Nino really could get used to this.
He doesn’t notice the weight of the ring on his finger.
*
A week ago, if you’d told Nino he’d spend the entirety of the next weekend having a great amount of extremely satisfying sex, he’d probably have laughed derisively and then hit you for dangling the prospect of something he wanted so much in front of him.
Nevertheless - Nino turns off Ohno’s phone, then his own, and then announces that they’re only leaving the bed for serious reasons like food and bathroom. Ohno is on board with that plan.
*
Sunday morning is getting woken up by Ohno’s breath in his ear and feeling pleasantly sore, knowing he is in dire need of a shower (because the one he’d tried taking on Saturday had been interrupted by Ohno, and wasn’t that a gift he hadn’t even known he wanted?) and also a rather urgent date with a toothbrush.
Then it’s breakfast that consists of the remnants of pizza they ordered last night, and then Ohno says, “Hey, we should make dinner for our friends?”
It’s not actually a question, Nino thinks, but maybe it is and Nino finds that he doesn’t mind it. It’s astonishing and really odd what two days can do - they feel stable together in a way they didn’t pre-weekend of awesome sex, and where Nino would probably have balked at the prospect just two days ago, now showing Ohno off to Aiba (and maybe Toma, too) sounds like a really good idea. It’s as if getting to know Ohno’s body has cemented the fact that Ohno isn’t going anywhere but closer to Nino.
It’s a really, really good feeling.
“Sure,” he says and means it. He’s watching Ohno’s mouth while Ohno chews and Ohno smirks like he’s very aware of it.
“So maybe I have an oral fixation, what of it?”
Ohno shakes his head with a laugh and chews some more. “Not complaining,” he says and he looks freer than he did just days ago. It’s like the wattage of his smile has been dialed up - it’s not wider, it’s not broader, it’s just more, somehow.
It’s the smile that does it, actually. “Before we make dinner and stuff, we should stop by my apartment and get me more clothes.”
Ohno blinks and then nods before a brilliant, small smile erupts on his face. It kind of feels like a prize, like a reward Nino isn’t entirely sure what he did to deserve. “Yes, we should do that.”
So they do, and Ohno looks around in wonder at Nino’s apartment - during the entire visit Nino feels kind of shy and embarrassed like “surprise! I live like this! Still not thinking I’m a pig?” and Ohno keeps looking like it’s an enlightenment in and of itself. Nino lets go of the breath he hadn’t even been aware he was holding.
“’s nice,” Ohno mumbles, voice low, as he swings their held hands between them on the way back to Ohno’s place.
The duffel on his bag feels lighter than it by all means should. He’s been trying to shake off the feeling that he was moving more than just clothes this time, and so far he hasn’t succeeded very well. “Hmm?”
“Your apartment,” Ohno clarifies.
Nino shrugs. It’s his home. “It’s tiny.”
“It’s lived in,” Ohno says and squeezes his hand. “What are we making for dinner?”
“Dibs on not cooking,” Nino says, touching his nose. “It was your idea.”
Ohno shrugs and bumps his shoulder into Nino’s. “Well there’s always instant ramen, I guess.”
Nino grimaces and bumps him right back. “I happen to know you’re an excellent cook, don’t slack off now. I’ll even keep you company.”
Rolling his eyes skyward, Ohno smiles wryly. “Generous and giving,” he says on a put-out sigh, but his fingers squeezing Nino’s soften the words. “Sho-kun and Matsujun are both coming.”
Right, Nino remembers Ohno mentioning them. Ohno hasn’t said a lot about them, but then again, Ohno doesn’t say a lot at all, so it’s not that big of a deal. Conversely, it’s not like Nino has told Ohno all about Aiba or even Toma; mostly, it’s because Aiba just can’t be explained, he needs to be experienced. “Toma can’t make it, but I’m pretty sure Aiba-chan dropped any and all plans he might have had. He’s been trying to interrogate me about you for two weeks.”
Ohno grins. “Same here, they’ve been going crazy, I think.”
Glancing over at Ohno, Nino realizes two very important things: One, that these people are important to Ohno, and two, they’re probably as protective of Ohno as Aiba is over Nino, so if Nino doesn’t pass muster, it’s not going to be easy. Ohno at least has the advantage that Aiba takes to people very easily, and Nino has no doubt that by the end of the night, Aiba will like Ohno better than he does Nino. That’s kind of like how Nino’s life works out these days.
*
“They didn’t give me the shovel talk,” Nino says and he knows that he sounds sort of awed.
Ohno chuckles from where he’s rinsing the dishes. “Why would they? They don’t know you, so why would they?”
No, but they know you, Nino thinks, and shouldn’t that be enough? If Ohno had been Nino’s friend, he’d have wanted Ohno’s new husband to be good to him and would have worked to make sure of it. “Wouldn’t you tell your friends’ new partners to be good to them?”
Ohno stills, obviously thinking. “Mh, no, I don’t think so,” he says, and he sounds baffled when he glances at Nino. “I think I’d hope that my friends had good enough judgment so that I wouldn’t need to?”
Deciding that he should probably not let Ohno be alone with the dishes and the rest of the clean-up, Nino gets to his feet and takes the plate from Ohno and starts putting into the dishwasher. “I guess,” Nino says. “But wouldn’t you be tempted?”
Nino knows he would.
“Mh,” Ohno says again. “I think, if I didn’t know these people, would they appreciate getting threats?”
“No one appreciates threats, Oh-chan.”
“That’s not what I mean,” Ohno says and flicks water from his fingers at Nino. “I think, maybe. Well. I don’t know what these people have lived through before I met them, so how would they perceive a total stranger coming up to them and telling them that they better be worth it?”
Like that, Ohno makes a frightening amount of sense. Honestly, this was not the angle he’d originally seen the shovel talk from, but Ohno makes a very valid point, and it’s new to him, this way of discussing things and being surprised and willing to listen.
Is this intimacy? This way of learning Ohno’s thoughts, seeing a different point of view and having it make sense? This way of seeing logic and translating it into thoughts that causes a change of paradigm, and being able to accept this new wondering train of thought? Ohno is - gentle. Nino is running out of ways to describe this particular trait of Ohno’s, but it rings clearer when Ohno says these things, genuinely caring whether or not the newcomer to the situation will be coming from a place of being able to handle threats from a stranger.
It’s entirely possible that Ohno is a little bit too soft to be cut out for this world of rough edges and sharpened tripwires, but if he is, Nino doesn’t want to be the one that teaches him otherwise.
What he says instead, is: “Well, if it matters at all, you’re worth a shovel talk.”
Ohno’s smile falls loose - it comes as if it’s all he needed to hear right in that moment. “Aiba-kun did offer to adopt me. Does that count?”
Nino blinks, then groans and would have rubbed his face if not for the fact that his hands are wet. “He’s a menace to society.”
“He’s great,” Ohno says earnestly, his eyes and mouth honest, “and he cares about you very much.”
Nino blinks again, pausing in putting a glass into the dishwasher. “Did you get the shovel talk?”
“Nah,” Ohno shakes his head as he turns the faucet off, and he hands over the last glass before drying his hands on a dishtowel. “He said we could be good for each other, so there’s that.”
Nino feels warmth blooming somewhere in the vicinity of his heart, because Aiba is genuinely sweet. “Sounds like Aiba-chan,” he muses. He’s more than thrilled that Aiba likes Ohno, but he’s even gladder for the fact that Ohno seems to really like Aiba. He’d expected he’d put more weight on Aiba’s approval than Ohno’s, but… it seems like his brain really is in for a shift of views.
“Are we good for each other?”
Startled, Nino looks at Ohno, who’s leaning back against the counter with a small, hesitant smile. “Because I’d like to think we are,” Ohno answers his own question and when Nino closes the dishwasher, he steps closer. Ohno’s touch when it comes is slow but not unsure where he finds purchase on Nino’s elbow, and he continues, “I’m really no good with talking.”
“I think,” Nino tries, suddenly hoarse, “that you’re doing fine.”
Ohno shrugs - whether he’s disagreeing or just declining to comment further, Nino doesn’t know, but he knows that Ohno has a difficult time talking about this, because he’s said it before, and Nino owes it to him to be as truthful as Ohno tries to be. It’s what touches him, he thinks, what makes him try to be better, in return for Ohno’s honesty.
“I think,” he says, thinking while he talks, and he finds Ohno’s wandering hand and squeezes his fingers. “That we can only really do our best. It’s what matters, I think.”
Ohno nods slowly, once, and looks down at their hands.
Suddenly very acutely aware of the fact that this is the closest they’ve ever gotten to discussing just what the fuck they’re doing in this marriage, Nino tries very hard to keep his breathing even. He knows they will have to do this, eventually, and he isn’t sure this is the right time, but it’s not like he feels like they can do this whenever. Technically they can, but there’s something to be said for timing and mood.
Right now, he feels languid and still a little bit jittery from the judgment he hadn’t gotten from Ohno’s friends, and he feels touched over Ohno’s concern for people he hasn’t even met.
He remembers Shimabukuro-san saying that above all, they needed communication and they needed to listen to each other. Before this entire thing, he has never been this emotional.
There’s a soft intake of breath, and that’s the only warning Nino gets before Ohno says, “Do you think we’re good for each other?”
Ohno just had to ask, didn’t he?
Does he know that Nino is still trying to work out the answer? He’s not sure but - “I hope we are,” he says, as honestly as he can, because it’s this intimacy he can offer Ohno, and he knows that this is what they’re supposed to be doing. Ohno’s hands find his hips and hold on, and this is the physical intimacy that Nino didn’t know two weeks ago that he could want from another person, but being close to Ohno is intoxicating, somehow, as if it makes him lose his head. And if he’s being totally honest, he fears that this heady feeling is what will make his judgement clouded, that it will somehow make everything less credible.
Ohno swallows and it looks like the words are painful for him - he remembers Ohno saying that he had to be honest, but it was difficult. Nino still doesn’t know him, doesn’t know why it’s so difficult for Ohno to say these things to him, and this far Nino can only wonder if there has been people in Ohno’s life who has given him such a hard time and has slung the words right back at him, or if these things always have been like pulling teeth. And however much Nino would like to be above this, he himself is no genius with words that mean something true.
“I - ” Ohno begins and finally looks at Nino, squarely and steeled as if he’s preparing himself for a blow, and it’s absolutely gutting to see. “I want to be good for you,” he admits. “It doesn’t mean that I am. But I’m trying.”
Is that enough?
“Oh-chan, I - ” Nino starts but stops again, because he’s trying to recall exactly what it was that Ohno had said that night, the exact wording. When he tries to, it’s suddenly so very clear, and he thinks that that in itself is a big clue that it was important and Ohno had tried his best for him then. “I… I wasn’t just saying it, you know?”
I could fall in love with you, too.
He’d said it back to Ohno when Ohno had been so, so brave first, because how could he not? He’d meant it and continues to mean it. He could fall in love with Ohno; it’s not just a hypothesis anymore, but a very real possibility, and he doesn’t know how far in he is already or how far there is to go, but he could fall in love with Ohno.
And more importantly, Nino is realizing that he wants to.
Something in Ohno’s eyes - settles, somehow. It dawns on him as he watches the emotions play over Ohno’s face, in the tension of his mouth, that it means something else now than it did when Ohno first said it. Now, somehow, it means more, it feels both heavier and lighter: heavier with everything they could be, with promises and what they already are. The potential is heavy, in a vaguely good way.
Lighter because they feel surer than they did earlier.
It’s this: the knowledge that they have time. It’s knowing that Ohno will at least give them two more weeks to settle, that he will stay in this for two more weeks even if they start fighting about every little thing tomorrow, and that Nino can reach for him and he’ll be in arm’s length, at least for a little while longer. They have had two weeks and they’re already halfway, and Nino thinks with awed wonder, that they have already come so far.
He takes a deep breath, then one more, and then feels more honest than he’s ever been in his entire life, because for him, this has always been what he lacked, what he has lost with other people he couldn’t trust: “I feel safe with you.”
That, apparently, is the entirely right thing to say. Wonder of wonders, because there’s a little bit of the awe Nino is feeling settling in Ohno’s entire posture as he looks back at Nino with his hands so sure on Nino’s hips.
It’s not just that he now knows how Ohno’s body feels, the delicious, heavy weight of him or how his breath in the night is so steady and calm, or that he takes his coffee tar black and likes plain yogurt in the mornings if he even eats. It’s way more than that, and it it’s like it satisfies something greedy in him for the moment.
It’s the knowledge that he’s allowed to know these small things, these things that seem so insignificant but are important bits of a much, much larger puzzle. It’s a privilege that he hasn’t been entirely sure that he’s worthy of, but he thinks as he sees the same kind of astonishment mirrored right back at him in Ohno’s wondering disposition, that maybe he’s not as alone in this as he’d initially thought he’d be. Perhaps they should have attempted this talk much earlier, but would they even have been able to speak this honestly and not feel smothered and about to fall off an edge they couldn’t recover from?
They’ll never know.
Because Nino can’t not fall into Ohno and hold his shoulders tight, flatten his hands across Ohno’s shoulder blades and slide his arms down to squeeze him tight, and Ohno holds him tightly right back, holds him closer and felt like Nino isn’t sure he’s been held before.
He doesn’t know if they’ll want to stay together in two weeks, but right in this moment, he doesn’t care.
It’s frightening; frankly speaking it’s downright terrifying and chilling, but damn it all, he doesn’t care anymore. Exhilaration wages bravely with the terror and for the first time, he’s not sure which will win.
He’s surprisingly, shockingly, okay with that, too.
*
On Tuesday for their weekly appointment, Nino feels that perhaps Shimabukuro should be able to see that they are physically closer than they’ve ever been. Or well, not right this moment they’re not, but they have been.
She doesn’t remark on anything, no long glances or pointed looks or weird comments. She asks about their week as she always does, asks how they’re doing separately and together and she looks satisfied when they both answer affirmatively but not offering an inch more.
Nino finds himself oddly protective of this thing he and Ohno are forming between them. It’s perhaps counterproductive to the experiment as a whole that he feels so disinclined to share with the class, but he reasons that his life is not an experiment he will share with the world. Not this part. This part is the intimacy he’s learning with Ohno, a map that’s his to explore.
“Good,” Shimabukuro-sensei says and pointedly doesn’t reach for her notepad as she usually would. Her eyes are kind, Nino is realizing now that he isn’t so busy hating the entire concept as a whole anymore. Beside him, Ohno seems a little bit preoccupied although Nino feels that he’s starting to get the hang of when Ohno is completely mentally absent or when he’s actually listening while appearing to be asleep with his eyes wide open.
This time, Nino is pretty sure it’s the latter, even though Nino can’t really fault him for it if he actually has fallen asleep. Therapists have that effect on people, Nino finds.
“I must say,” she begins and leans forward, and Nino subtly elbows (perhaps not so subtly, as Shimabukuro doesn’t even bother hiding her grin) Ohno, whose eyes refocus and he glances briefly at Nino before giving Shimabukuro his attention. “That you guys are doing good. Both Sakamoto-sensei and Nagano-sensei are pleased with your progress, although it seems that you both like to not talk about why you are in this experiment to begin with.”
And just so, she very casually addresses the elephant in the room, but surprisingly, Nino finds that even though he expected to not be able to breathe when the topic inevitably would get brought up, his lungs are working just fine. It’s weird and unexpected, but good.
“I don’t think I’m entirely ready yet.”
Nino’s eyes snap to Ohno.
That could’ve been him saying that, Nino knows. He thinks that maybe he shouldn’t be surprised that Ohno could also feel that way.
Ohno looks like he’d prefer if the couch would swallow him right on the spot. He looks brittle and also a little bit caught off guard that he’d actually said something, and Nino fights the very immediate urge to provide any kind of comfort to him. Belatedly, he registers this reaction as very telling, but he doesn’t dwell on it right then, he only cares that Ohno looks like he’s suddenly very uncomfortable. It’s chilling, because up until now, Ohno has been forthcoming and relaxed and seemingly totally okay with trying his best to meet Nino more than halfway.
“And that’s totally acceptable,” Shimabukuro says gently. “I’m not hurrying either of you along or pushing you into situations that you’re not at ease with, but you both need to recognize that you will have to address this subject sooner than you might think or sooner than you might be entirely comfortable with. You also both need to realize that you’re both operating under volatile circumstances that might cause you to react in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and that you can’t expect your behaviors to be this way when the experiment is over. When you’re off the heat, so to speak, you will most probably relax into better versions of yourselves.”
Or worse, Nino thinks grimly, but he can only speak for himself when he says that he’s been trying to be as much himself as he possibly can. He prefers thinking that Ohno is no one but his own kind self, and if he’s being honest and wishful, he thinks Ohno might be incapable of not being himself.
And just maybe, this time it’s up to Nino to stretch and reach Ohno more than halfway. If he’s being entirely honest with himself? He told himself at first that he signed up for this crack experiment because his mother and sister didn’t think he would actually do it, but that’s not true. Spite provides very strong motivation, but he can’t even begin to lie to himself about it anymore. It’s not spite.
It probably never even was.
Quite possibly he wasn’t even aware of it before now, but… for all his failed relationships, for how it has always seemed that he had commitment issues (with good reasons, he reminds himself), there might be a grain of truth in wanting to prove to himself that he can do this and that he can mean something to someone else that isn’t obligated to stay with him. It’s why it is so damn scary to hear Ohno admitting so quietly and so honestly that he could fall in love with Nino, because Nino is realizing that he wants that more than he can say.
He wants it.
He wants it in all its terrifying vastness, he wants it so badly he could shake with the force of it, and he’s so afraid.
…because what happens if Ohno doesn’t fall in love with him? What if Ohno brakes by the precipice as he suddenly realizes that Nino still is just a hand of all consonants in that game of scrabble that is their supposed shared life?
What will be left of Nino’s aching heart, then?
What holds Ohno back from being ready, whatever ready for Ohno means?
Ohno has, until now, done his very best for Nino, this Nino is completely certain of, and Ohno’s honesty has almost been tangible to him when Nino is pretty sure he himself would have balked far earlier than now, and if it makes Ohno scared to always have to take the lead with a man who seemingly doesn’t know what he wants, then Nino will just have to face his fear and do something about it. He doesn’t know what exactly it is that makes Ohno’s footing unsteady, but Nino will damn well make sure Ohno doesn’t stumble.
It hits him like a ton of bricks right then in that sterile office with Shimabukuro-sensei, who means so well but doesn’t know them no matter how much she seems to want to in all her professional competence, that he wants to make Ohno fall in love with him. If Ohno won’t fall on his own, Nino will damn well do his best to make it happen.
It’s that simple.
Or that difficult.
He had thought, when embarking on this entire marriage shindig that he’d be freaking out from start to finish and maybe even hightail it out of there, but now when he’s actually here and not internally (and externally) freaking out in a bathroom in Kyoto with his brand new husband probably wondering if Nino had dysentery, he feels nothing but calm. He hadn’t expected it to feel this way, hell, he hadn’t expected to feel any kind of positive feelings at all.
But now he’s here and he’s calm.
He can wait for Ohno to be ready, he knows this. He can wait and he will wait. He still has two weeks to work with. Well, technically he has less than two weeks, but Nino will do it. They have already accomplished so much between the two of them that it doesn’t seem entirely impossible anymore. Less than two weeks - maybe he can convince Ohno to stay with him longer than two weeks, to give them a chance if it hasn’t happened when the two weeks are over. It’s a wonder how he never knew he was capable of this want of making someone want him right back.
Perhaps Nino is closer to teetering on the precipice of love than he’d thought. Maybe Ohno has awoken a part of him he didn’t know he had. Feelings are making him stupid.
He doesn’t mind.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Nino says and if Shimabukuro-sensei looks surprised, he ignores it. He knows he’s been less than welcoming towards her and the project, and he hasn’t been quiet about it either, but this is not a blatant fuck you to her, or the marriage project.
It’s so much more than what he ever knew he was capable of.
It’s an extended hand to Ohno to meet him on Ohno’s half, on Ohno’s terms, when he has been so good and so patient about playing by Nino’s rules until now. He’s been selfish, he realizes that, in unconscious ways that Ohno has been unfairly accommodating about, but he has two weeks to make up for it. He’s not sure if two weeks are enough, but he can damn well try.
He’ll hold out his hand and offer it to Ohno, aching heart be damned.
He can only hope that Ohno will take it.
*
/To be continued
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari
Rating: R to light NC-17
Word count: 8,600-ish/~39,000
Warnings: Language
Summary: AU: Experiment: Get married to a stranger and live together for four weeks before deciding whether or not to stay married or get a divorce. Nino and Ohno do things in reverse order.
Notes: Found on part 1.
*
Sex: he doesn’t know why it’s not happening.
It’s not because he doesn’t want to, god, he does want to. Shamelessly and enthusiastically, he’ll be a very willing participant once he figures out how to convey that to Ohno without seeming, well, too shameless about it. To be fair, Ohno is probably not aware of how easily sexy he is, how casual he is and how comfortable he seems with embodying his skin. He wears it so, so well. Nino would like to get on it immediately and thoroughly and climb Ohno like a damn tree, but that is, unfortunately, not an option. In public, at least, but it’s definitely not an option until Ohno gives any kind of indication that he would like to ravish Nino on the spot. Or be ravished. Nino is magnanimous, flexible and compromising like that.
He just doesn’t think it will be a very good tactic to lie in wait and then jump. Or maybe it’s actually an excellent idea, but it’s all about the execution.
The thing is - Nino doesn’t want to face the rejection if Ohno truly doesn’t want it. If he won’t want it at all or if Ohno is the kind of guy who wants to wait for a while until having sex, and maybe they don’t have enough time? He refuses to believe Ohno doesn’t want it at all. For one, male physique and normal reactions, really, the boners. Secondly, the way he kisses Nino, slow and long and intensely, deep and sucking and Nino kind of wants to curl into Ohno and cling to his skin and not actually move, breathing be damned.
But really, the boners.
But mostly how Ohno had started out by saying he liked sleeping on his side and that he was a restless sleeper, but still Nino wakes to Ohno all over him, clinging to him and nestled close, a hand under his shirt, a hand on his hip, breath on his collarbone or the back of his neck, but close to him and still, most of all. Sometimes Ohno has this look, this softness of his eyes (which is a feat on its own since there is a softness around Ohno at all times) that says he at least likes looking.
So why hasn’t Ohno done anything to indicate he would very much like to jump Nino’s bones? What is it?
Hey, Oh-chan, why don’t you want to have sex with me? He doesn’t exactly think he can just ask. Probably bad getting laid etiquette though Nino can’t honestly say he’s ever really paid much attention to that kind of thing, but again, if Ohno says he just doesn’t want to, then Nino would rather just not ask in the first place.
The entire it’s not you, it’s me would sound extremely bad in this situation, Nino thinks.
But he does want to know. And he doesn’t. It’s this weird, weird want that he can’t reconcile in his head, because it would be somehow good to know for a fact whether or not it’s ever going to happen, but he doesn’t want to know for fear of the answer being in the negative. Schrödinger’s cat? But in bed? He never said he was logical and this entire thing is just flat out annoying. He wants to know where he stands in this and he doesn’t. Fuck it, if he could screw his head on straight it would be awesome. Somehow, he feels like Ohno is to blame for this, stupidly sexy Ohno, who doesn’t even seem to know that he’s sexy. Not that that thought helps much.
On Saturday, Aiba hadn’t been as unbearably amused as Nino had predicted - if anything, he was full of ideas as to how he could make it up to Ohno, forgetting their one-week anniversary and all, and most of them involved lots of nakedness and ice cream, whipped cream and various other lickable substances. Nino hadn’t been amused, partly because, d’uh, not taking those ideas from Aiba, but mostly because of Nino not really thinking he could do that without having unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions in his pants before even executing said ideas.
Ohno looks at him from over dinner, smiles and looks back at his rice, which he’s been dedicating his sole focus on for way too long. Nino finds that that is pretty annoying.
“How was your appointment today?” That is a safe topic which has an answer that won’t make Nino jump him across the table. Probably.
It’s Thursday and the week has been excruciatingly long.
Ohno scrunches his face, eyes going skyward as he chews and thinks. “Matsuoka-sensei thinks that I might be thinking too much about things sometimes.”
Join the club, is what Nino thinks, but “Oh,” is what he says. Aware that he might not get any answers or won’t like what he’s actually being told, he asks, “Like what things?”
“Like, moving from one point to another,” Ohno shrugs. That’s probably one of the most bold-faced non-answers he’s ever heard. Ohno grins self-deprecatingly, as he if he’s very aware of what he just said, as if he’s very aware of what he didn’t say, and what Nino might think of it.
“How elaborate,” Nino says drily.
Looking down, apparently the rice is incredibly fascinating in and of itself, Ohno looks hesitant and very pointedly not at Nino. “I’m sorry,” he says, “it’s… difficult, for me. I don’t normally say these kinds of things and it’s difficult for me, saying them to you. It’s not that I don’t want to, just that it’s hard for me.”
A lump in his throat and a weight on his finger, Nino finds he can relate so hard to this that it’s actually kind of scary. Shimabukuro-san had said that it was important for them to communicate their feelings, and though it still sounds kind of kumbaya to Nino’s ears, he can’t help but feel the truth in those words as well, because if Ohno doesn’t tell him these things, Nino wouldn’t ever know. He’d have no idea. And it registers with a sense of profound gratefulness that lodges somewhere around the vicinity of his heart, that despite this being really, really far out of Ohno’s comfort zone, he’s still making an honest effort of it.
“And I don’t want to say these things with a third party with us,” Ohno admits quietly, spinning the bowl with rice and then letting go, then spinning the ring on his finger instead. “I want to say them to you, but I can’t, not yet. Is that okay?”
He looks so honest that Nino thinks he can literally feel something break in him, maybe the walls around his heart. Nino is so okay with that. “Yeah,” he says, voice rough. “Yeah, of course.”
Because Ohno wants to, and that means everything right now. Doesn’t that mean that it’s okay that Nino can’t say these things right now either? Ohno is brave in even saying this much, maybe he can be brave enough for the both of them and lend Nino some courage when he needs it?
Is this what intimacy is? Depending on someone else’s courage when you yourself have nothing left to give, if you’re ashamed enough to hide behind falsities and lack of sincerity, and then you can bask in someone else’s truth?
At this point they’ve been married for almost two weeks, and Nino finds that he’s learning, just by absorbing it, just by existing in it. If he could learn Ohno through osmosis, perhaps sex would already have happened. No, it most definitely would have, because Nino isn’t sure where this kind of self-control came from.
Oh right, fear of rejection. Damn it all.
*
On Friday, after their session with Shimabukuro-sensei, after the completion of their biweekly walk-around-a-chair-and-throw-compliments exercise, Ohno looks at him for a bit as Nino keeps sitting on the chair. Ohno’s hands are clenching and unclenching slowly, and Nino can’t help looking at the ring on his finger and then up at Ohno.
“Okay?”
Ohno nods slightly - he’s been this way since their session and Nino doesn’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, but unsettled? Yeah, definitely. For Ohno to be this quiet, even for him, Nino has a feeling that there’s something wrong, but - when is it the right time, when have they known each other for long enough for this kind of probing to be allowed?
“You sure?”
A flash of something across Ohno’s face before he nods again. “Yeah,” he says finally. “I’m fine.”
Nino’s not entirely sure of that, but maybe he’ll have to let it go for now. “So, we were going to order out today, right? I’m seriously not in the mood for cooking tonight, are you?”
“Not really,” Ohno admits and goddammit, he’s still looking at Nino. During the session with Shimabukuro-sensei, she’d asked him what he thought of the exercise, if he believed that Ohno was genuine when he complimented him, and he’d said of course. He can’t bear thinking otherwise.
The thing is - there are things that Nino is pretty particular about. He likes to think that he’s pretty chill about most things, but there are just things he’d like to not be happening. If Ohno would kindly press the end of the tube of toothpaste instead of the middle of it? That would make Nino incredibly happy. But they’re handling it.
He knows he’s tired. And he has blue balls. Mostly, he knows the veneer of god, what are we doing we don’t know each other, sorry was that your foot? is wearing off, and fast, at this point.
Communication is the key, or so Shimabukuro-sensei keeps telling them. Breathe and talk, it’s not the end of the world, not really.
“Is there a particular reason you’re looking at me like that?”
Ohno looks - caught. “Sorry,” he says without particularly sounding it. “I’m trying to figure out what I can say and I don’t know how you’ll react.”
“As long as you’re not telling me I suck at life, I’m pretty sure you can say anything to me,” Nino says even though that isn’t entirely true - he’s pretty sure there are a lot of things that will hurt, coming from Ohno, because existing in each other’s spaces, in this sort of close vicinity, does provide a certain kind of verbal ammunition.
“I think,” Ohno starts, stops, then starts again, hesitant, “I think, before this, before getting married… did you think that this would be what your life turned out to be?”
There’s a cold spot forming at the bottom of his stomach - if there isn’t, it sure feels like it. Is this Ohno backtracking everything? “I’m not sure,” he says, because what is there to say?
And apparently, he’s a lot more transparent than what he’s comfortable with, it has to be practically written all over his face, because Ohno pales inexplicably and his hands fly to Nino’s shoulders, and he squeezes.
“We’re so careful,” he murmurs. “Are we afraid we’re building something easily breakable, or are we just building carefully so it’s stronger in the end?”
That - that is actually an excellent question, and also just as scary as everything else they’re doing. Ohno crouches in front of him, his hands sliding down to Nino’s knees, where they thankfully stay, a comforting warmth to counter the ice Ohno just set off in Nino’s stomach.
“I need to say this to you, honestly,” Ohno says and drops his gaze, looks down as if he can’t bear doing anything else.
Is this how it ends before it even actually begins? With Ohno being honest and Nino having no choice but to listen because it’s what people owe each other? Because this is what they owe each other?
Is this what true intimacy is, listening because it’s what people should, because it’s what decency is, is it the courage to take whatever you need to take from the people that matters, because they’re near enough for them to hurt you, but you’re trusting them to treat you with the care you want to believe you’re worthy of?
Ohno looks up at him, and he looks raw and vulnerable and it softens something inside of Nino, how Ohno looks like his world is on the verge of breaking in two - he looks like Nino thinks he is looking, and he can’t help but want to touch him, anywhere he’s allowed. His hands find Ohno’s face, cups it and he just can’t help it. He is unbearably fond of him; if Ohno doesn’t want to do this with him, already decided on everything two weeks in, merely halfway, Nino isn’t prepared to let go. He simply isn’t and he doesn’t want to.
“I’m not in love with you,” Ohno says in a rush.
It should positively gut him, hearing that. It doesn’t. Somehow, it just doesn’t - he’s waiting, he knows there’s more, Ohno wouldn’t do this to him, he simply wouldn’t say this unless there was a reason. Ohno is not cruel. He’s forgetful and absentminded and sometimes just absent, but never deliberately cruel.
Ohno is still looking at him, and he reiterates, “I’m not in love with you,” and then he leans into Nino’s hands, breathes, and says, “but I could be. I could be. I could fall in love with you, and it would be so easy.”
In breathless awe, Nino wonders what it costs Ohno to say that, to be so honest with someone he still doesn’t know all that well, all their efforts be damned.
Intimacy - kissing Ohno’s breath right out of his lungs because there’s no other possible answer. Ohno surges up from his crouch on the floor, kisses him fiercely, and Nino kisses back just as hard, fingers sliding to the strands of Ohno’s hair and he grips him with probably too much strength. Ohno’s hands cup the back of Nino’s skull, holds him and Nino so doesn’t mind - with others it had always felt presumptuous, but Ohno holding his head in place is just right.
Ohno kisses him deeply, wet and deep and sucking, and Nino cants his head and just takes whatever Ohno wants to give him. Ohno’s hands, now wandering up and down over his back in broad sweeps, feel like they set his nerves on end, and he presses right back into Ohno’s touches, leans into him and their kiss breaks as Ohno overbalances and falls back on his haunches with a laugh.
His eyes are so dark and so, so appealing, and Nino gets to his feet, offers Ohno a hand up and then just folds into him, kisses his mouth, his cheek, his chin, he bites at Ohno’s neck when Ohno responds so beautifully to him, arching into him and keening.
He’s alight with sensations, he’s blinded to everything but Ohno and he’s not entirely sure how they move or when they do, but Ohno lowers him to a soft surface, (hey, it’s their Ikea bed! Good thinking on Ohno’s part,) and kisses him, presses him into the mattress and Nino wants. His hands are restless and he scrambles to get under Ohno’s shirt, to get his hands on as much skin as possible. Ohno sits up over him and Nino follows with a laugh and helps Ohno out of his shirt, laughs even more when Ohno’s eagerness in divesting Nino of his shirt ends with Nino getting a mouthful of fabric.
“Easy,” Ohno chuckles, hands falling to Nino’s bare shoulders. “There’s time.” There’s just the teeny tiny fact that Ohno’s eager, clever fingers are pretty much contradicting that statement and Nino shivers because -
He has wanted this since practically the first night in Kyoto and he has the bluest balls north of the South Pole; there’s just no way he’s going to take his time. It’s finally happening. This is also intimacy, this baring of bodies that, in the grand scheme of things, is both extremely important but also completely irrelevant if Ohno hadn’t been who he is.
“God,” Ohno chokes out, “Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” and he says this into Nino’s neck and exhales harshly into his collarbones, and Nino just throws his arms around Ohno’s neck, holds him close and relishes in it all.
Figures: Ohno is now just about as verbal as he is outside of the bedroom - just a million times dirtier. “Your mouth, holy shit,” Nino breathes and sets out to retaliate. Ohno’s skin is a wonder and Nino’s mouth waters when he finally gets Ohno on his stomach, because Ohno is ridiculously sexy.
“Even your back is sexy,” Nino despairs and grins when Ohno huffs a laugh, his body moving under Nino’s hands, “no, seriously, I knew it, but how?” and Ohno dissolves into giggles and this, this is fantastic, this is great, this is - Nino seriously lacks words for how absolutely phenomenal this is. He’s learning that Ohno is a sensualist; Ohno is extremely responsive, he likes what feels good, but he also likes what feels good to Nino. He’s ridiculously pleased with himself when he makes Nino moan, and when Ohno bites at his shoulder, Nino just gives up on ever silencing himself with him.
“Bring it,” he laughs when Ohno rolls to his back and tugs at Nino’s arms, tugs him down and he just looks so fascinated with him that Nino has to duck his head. Ohno kisses him; it’s gentler than before, not as urgent, but exploratory in its own right, and Nino kind of feels like he could fuse into Ohno and just exist with him. Ohno’s mouth is hot and wet and just right, and Nino is pretty sure he hasn’t been this turned on from kissing since he was a teenager. Ninomiya Kazunari - still the world’s oldest teenager.
Ohno’s hands holds his head, kisses him and then rolls him, and then he presses Nino right back into the mattress, just like they started out, except for the fact that the wide expanse of Ohno’s skin is now exposed and Nino feels hungry. The kisses are deep as Ohno licks into his mouth and holds him close, and it feels like a welcome invasion of all his senses.
“Just so we’re clear,” he says, short of breath, into Ohno’s saliva slick lips, kiss bruised and lovely, and he is very gratified to see Ohno’s pupils blown wide with lust. He looks dazed. “We’re actually going to have sex now, right?”
There’s a long moment where it looks like Ohno has to physically rearrange his brain cells to make sense of words, but then his lips twitch and he’s laughing and burying his face in Nino’s neck, his whole body shaking with it.
“Hey, I’m serious,” Nino insists though Ohno’s body is moving and beautiful on top of him, and he’s actually not complaining. “It would suck if we weren’t, I mean, I’m not - ”
It’s not a kiss, not really, because Ohno is laughing too much for it to be anything serious, but it does stop Nino from talking.
“You,” Ohno says, “are a goddamn tease,” and he’s still grinning, “do you even know how difficult it is to not hump you silly in the mornings?”
Yes, this Nino knows. “Ye-es,” he says emphatically and then Ohno rocks above him, aligning their hips, ah yes, glorious, glorious boners, not just a morning phenomenon anymore. “You’re so sex- ah, don’t stop,” he says as Ohno rocks into him again and then it’s altogether a little too difficult to form coherent thoughts.
It’s not a race, not really, but kicking their pants off is an important exercise in not kneeing each other in the crotch, as that would definitely put a dampener on the further proceedings, and they end up slip-kicking inelegantly (and laughing, because of all their clothes, Nino’s sock remains on and Ohno looks so thoroughly charmed that Nino makes a show of looking put out by that damn sock) and then Ohno is pulling him back down by his wrist, hands sliding up his arms, over his shoulders, before coming to rest on his hips in a grip that’s possessive and tight.
Skin, so much glorious skin, so much to touch and claim and Nino is sure he’s never felt this greedy before, but there’s knowledge settling in his bones, that this is his to touch for the rest of his life if they do this right. He’s pretty sure the prospect is supposed to be daunting, but right now, with Ohno warm and beautiful and so, so willing to be touched by Nino, is damn near as perfect as it gets.
Ohno’s ass is truly fantastic, he thinks, as he kneads the flesh and he tells Ohno as much, which makes Ohno laugh again, and so far there’s been a remarkable amount of laughter and surprisingly little awkward, and even when he’s kind of afraid he’ll accidentally poke Ohno in the face with his dick because holy shit, he was right, Ohno’s goddamn mouth, there’s just that; ease and laughter and so much sheer want that Nino isn’t entirely sure what to do with it besides just pouncing.
So pounce he does.
Ohno is so responsive to his touches, like a finely tuned instrument, he’s ticklish and sensitive and the exact right kind of vocal, every sound from his mouth is a reward and Nino revels in it. Maybe it’s the anticipation, but god, he wants it. When Nino sucks on Ohno’s fingers, Ohno’s eyes darken and suddenly Ohno is not laughing anymore. There is no discussion, just a wordless question and Nino nods because who the fuck actually cares about positions when he’s got Ohno in his bed? Ohno, whose fingers are long and clever and so goddamn sexy Nino seriously can’t stop his brain from short-circuiting?
He preps Nino with much more care and boyish eagerness than Nino has experienced in maybe ever, and Ohno gets to working three fingers into him and Nino is pretty sure it’s game over the moment Ohno even gets to fuck him, because it’s been a while and Ohno is just that hot. “Come on, I’m ready,” he says and Ohno complies, lets go of his hip and slips his fingers out, and even though it was on his orders, Nino feels empty. Ohno lets Nino roll a condom on him, and then he lines up, grabs Nino’s hands and pushes.
Nino groans.
Ohno’s mouth goes slack, the flush in his face is goddamn gorgeous and slick with sweat, and Nino uses his hands to bring Ohno’s face down to meet his own, and while Ohno’s hips are hard and demanding, the kiss isn’t, and Nino just stops thinking. There’s so much kissing after that, pushes, and Nino kind of loses track of which limb belongs to whom, but he is so okay with that.
Later, he feels boneless, warm and sated and sore in all the right ways, and he can’t stop running his tingling fingers over Ohno’s skin, his lips, the corner of his mouth where he presses his fingers in, tracing the narrow slope of his nose and his eyebrows, brushes the sweat slicked hair out of his face.
“Mmmm, married sex is amazing,” Ohno says, dazed and sleepy and sounding like stringing words together is not something that is coming easily to him.
Nino snorts a laugh, ducks his head and rests it on Ohno’s collarbones. “You’re ridiculous,” he says, still laughing, and looks up again to see Ohno still looking completely blissed out.
“I just came my brain out,” Ohno defends with some wonder in his voice, “and you know, we didn’t get to have you’re-so-hot-are-we-dating-now?-sex or even fuck-yeah-we’re-going-to-get-married-sex, so I’m kind of glad that married sex is this amazing.”
It’s not like Nino is actually disagreeing. He pushes Ohno’s lips together with his fingers and grins, then blurts a laugh when Ohno tickles him in retaliation. “Yes yes, I get it, married sex is amazing,” he says dutifully and then kisses him again because it’s just physically impossible for him to not kiss him right in that moment, and also because he can. He breaks away, just an inch, and he knows he has to say this, he owes it to Ohno for all Ohno’s honesty.
“I,” he starts, “I could fall in love with you, too.” He thinks it would be so easy, too. Isn’t that a wonder?
Ohno smiles, small and private and somehow more intimate than sex, and then he says, “fuck, how was that for a two-week anniversary?”
“Oh god, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck,” Nino groans. Beside him, Ohno is laughing like there’s nothing funnier in the world, because, “I forgot it again!”
“Luckily for you,” Ohno says through a laugh, “I don’t actually care much about anniversaries.”
“Obviously, neither do I,” Nino chuckles and hides his face behind a hand, then when that proves inadequate, Ohno’s chest. “Fuck it all, damn it.”
Ohno is still laughing when his fingers sift through Nino’s hair, scratching his nails over his scalp and okay, maybe Ohno actually doesn’t care much. But twice in a row? God, he sucks.
“Forget it,” Ohno says, a beat, and then he laughs when Nino punches his shoulder.
“You jerk,” Nino hisses but he’s failing at being stern, because Ohno clearly is on the extreme opposite spectrum of being unrepentant. “Why me?”
“I’m sorry,” Ohno gasps through a laugh when Nino socks him again. “It’s funny, okay! Abuse, abuse!”
“You deserved it,” Nino sulks and rolls over on top of Ohno. He crosses his arms and rests his head on them. Ohno is radiantly happy, beautiful and laughing, and Nino really could get used to this.
He doesn’t notice the weight of the ring on his finger.
*
A week ago, if you’d told Nino he’d spend the entirety of the next weekend having a great amount of extremely satisfying sex, he’d probably have laughed derisively and then hit you for dangling the prospect of something he wanted so much in front of him.
Nevertheless - Nino turns off Ohno’s phone, then his own, and then announces that they’re only leaving the bed for serious reasons like food and bathroom. Ohno is on board with that plan.
*
Sunday morning is getting woken up by Ohno’s breath in his ear and feeling pleasantly sore, knowing he is in dire need of a shower (because the one he’d tried taking on Saturday had been interrupted by Ohno, and wasn’t that a gift he hadn’t even known he wanted?) and also a rather urgent date with a toothbrush.
Then it’s breakfast that consists of the remnants of pizza they ordered last night, and then Ohno says, “Hey, we should make dinner for our friends?”
It’s not actually a question, Nino thinks, but maybe it is and Nino finds that he doesn’t mind it. It’s astonishing and really odd what two days can do - they feel stable together in a way they didn’t pre-weekend of awesome sex, and where Nino would probably have balked at the prospect just two days ago, now showing Ohno off to Aiba (and maybe Toma, too) sounds like a really good idea. It’s as if getting to know Ohno’s body has cemented the fact that Ohno isn’t going anywhere but closer to Nino.
It’s a really, really good feeling.
“Sure,” he says and means it. He’s watching Ohno’s mouth while Ohno chews and Ohno smirks like he’s very aware of it.
“So maybe I have an oral fixation, what of it?”
Ohno shakes his head with a laugh and chews some more. “Not complaining,” he says and he looks freer than he did just days ago. It’s like the wattage of his smile has been dialed up - it’s not wider, it’s not broader, it’s just more, somehow.
It’s the smile that does it, actually. “Before we make dinner and stuff, we should stop by my apartment and get me more clothes.”
Ohno blinks and then nods before a brilliant, small smile erupts on his face. It kind of feels like a prize, like a reward Nino isn’t entirely sure what he did to deserve. “Yes, we should do that.”
So they do, and Ohno looks around in wonder at Nino’s apartment - during the entire visit Nino feels kind of shy and embarrassed like “surprise! I live like this! Still not thinking I’m a pig?” and Ohno keeps looking like it’s an enlightenment in and of itself. Nino lets go of the breath he hadn’t even been aware he was holding.
“’s nice,” Ohno mumbles, voice low, as he swings their held hands between them on the way back to Ohno’s place.
The duffel on his bag feels lighter than it by all means should. He’s been trying to shake off the feeling that he was moving more than just clothes this time, and so far he hasn’t succeeded very well. “Hmm?”
“Your apartment,” Ohno clarifies.
Nino shrugs. It’s his home. “It’s tiny.”
“It’s lived in,” Ohno says and squeezes his hand. “What are we making for dinner?”
“Dibs on not cooking,” Nino says, touching his nose. “It was your idea.”
Ohno shrugs and bumps his shoulder into Nino’s. “Well there’s always instant ramen, I guess.”
Nino grimaces and bumps him right back. “I happen to know you’re an excellent cook, don’t slack off now. I’ll even keep you company.”
Rolling his eyes skyward, Ohno smiles wryly. “Generous and giving,” he says on a put-out sigh, but his fingers squeezing Nino’s soften the words. “Sho-kun and Matsujun are both coming.”
Right, Nino remembers Ohno mentioning them. Ohno hasn’t said a lot about them, but then again, Ohno doesn’t say a lot at all, so it’s not that big of a deal. Conversely, it’s not like Nino has told Ohno all about Aiba or even Toma; mostly, it’s because Aiba just can’t be explained, he needs to be experienced. “Toma can’t make it, but I’m pretty sure Aiba-chan dropped any and all plans he might have had. He’s been trying to interrogate me about you for two weeks.”
Ohno grins. “Same here, they’ve been going crazy, I think.”
Glancing over at Ohno, Nino realizes two very important things: One, that these people are important to Ohno, and two, they’re probably as protective of Ohno as Aiba is over Nino, so if Nino doesn’t pass muster, it’s not going to be easy. Ohno at least has the advantage that Aiba takes to people very easily, and Nino has no doubt that by the end of the night, Aiba will like Ohno better than he does Nino. That’s kind of like how Nino’s life works out these days.
*
“They didn’t give me the shovel talk,” Nino says and he knows that he sounds sort of awed.
Ohno chuckles from where he’s rinsing the dishes. “Why would they? They don’t know you, so why would they?”
No, but they know you, Nino thinks, and shouldn’t that be enough? If Ohno had been Nino’s friend, he’d have wanted Ohno’s new husband to be good to him and would have worked to make sure of it. “Wouldn’t you tell your friends’ new partners to be good to them?”
Ohno stills, obviously thinking. “Mh, no, I don’t think so,” he says, and he sounds baffled when he glances at Nino. “I think I’d hope that my friends had good enough judgment so that I wouldn’t need to?”
Deciding that he should probably not let Ohno be alone with the dishes and the rest of the clean-up, Nino gets to his feet and takes the plate from Ohno and starts putting into the dishwasher. “I guess,” Nino says. “But wouldn’t you be tempted?”
Nino knows he would.
“Mh,” Ohno says again. “I think, if I didn’t know these people, would they appreciate getting threats?”
“No one appreciates threats, Oh-chan.”
“That’s not what I mean,” Ohno says and flicks water from his fingers at Nino. “I think, maybe. Well. I don’t know what these people have lived through before I met them, so how would they perceive a total stranger coming up to them and telling them that they better be worth it?”
Like that, Ohno makes a frightening amount of sense. Honestly, this was not the angle he’d originally seen the shovel talk from, but Ohno makes a very valid point, and it’s new to him, this way of discussing things and being surprised and willing to listen.
Is this intimacy? This way of learning Ohno’s thoughts, seeing a different point of view and having it make sense? This way of seeing logic and translating it into thoughts that causes a change of paradigm, and being able to accept this new wondering train of thought? Ohno is - gentle. Nino is running out of ways to describe this particular trait of Ohno’s, but it rings clearer when Ohno says these things, genuinely caring whether or not the newcomer to the situation will be coming from a place of being able to handle threats from a stranger.
It’s entirely possible that Ohno is a little bit too soft to be cut out for this world of rough edges and sharpened tripwires, but if he is, Nino doesn’t want to be the one that teaches him otherwise.
What he says instead, is: “Well, if it matters at all, you’re worth a shovel talk.”
Ohno’s smile falls loose - it comes as if it’s all he needed to hear right in that moment. “Aiba-kun did offer to adopt me. Does that count?”
Nino blinks, then groans and would have rubbed his face if not for the fact that his hands are wet. “He’s a menace to society.”
“He’s great,” Ohno says earnestly, his eyes and mouth honest, “and he cares about you very much.”
Nino blinks again, pausing in putting a glass into the dishwasher. “Did you get the shovel talk?”
“Nah,” Ohno shakes his head as he turns the faucet off, and he hands over the last glass before drying his hands on a dishtowel. “He said we could be good for each other, so there’s that.”
Nino feels warmth blooming somewhere in the vicinity of his heart, because Aiba is genuinely sweet. “Sounds like Aiba-chan,” he muses. He’s more than thrilled that Aiba likes Ohno, but he’s even gladder for the fact that Ohno seems to really like Aiba. He’d expected he’d put more weight on Aiba’s approval than Ohno’s, but… it seems like his brain really is in for a shift of views.
“Are we good for each other?”
Startled, Nino looks at Ohno, who’s leaning back against the counter with a small, hesitant smile. “Because I’d like to think we are,” Ohno answers his own question and when Nino closes the dishwasher, he steps closer. Ohno’s touch when it comes is slow but not unsure where he finds purchase on Nino’s elbow, and he continues, “I’m really no good with talking.”
“I think,” Nino tries, suddenly hoarse, “that you’re doing fine.”
Ohno shrugs - whether he’s disagreeing or just declining to comment further, Nino doesn’t know, but he knows that Ohno has a difficult time talking about this, because he’s said it before, and Nino owes it to him to be as truthful as Ohno tries to be. It’s what touches him, he thinks, what makes him try to be better, in return for Ohno’s honesty.
“I think,” he says, thinking while he talks, and he finds Ohno’s wandering hand and squeezes his fingers. “That we can only really do our best. It’s what matters, I think.”
Ohno nods slowly, once, and looks down at their hands.
Suddenly very acutely aware of the fact that this is the closest they’ve ever gotten to discussing just what the fuck they’re doing in this marriage, Nino tries very hard to keep his breathing even. He knows they will have to do this, eventually, and he isn’t sure this is the right time, but it’s not like he feels like they can do this whenever. Technically they can, but there’s something to be said for timing and mood.
Right now, he feels languid and still a little bit jittery from the judgment he hadn’t gotten from Ohno’s friends, and he feels touched over Ohno’s concern for people he hasn’t even met.
He remembers Shimabukuro-san saying that above all, they needed communication and they needed to listen to each other. Before this entire thing, he has never been this emotional.
There’s a soft intake of breath, and that’s the only warning Nino gets before Ohno says, “Do you think we’re good for each other?”
Ohno just had to ask, didn’t he?
Does he know that Nino is still trying to work out the answer? He’s not sure but - “I hope we are,” he says, as honestly as he can, because it’s this intimacy he can offer Ohno, and he knows that this is what they’re supposed to be doing. Ohno’s hands find his hips and hold on, and this is the physical intimacy that Nino didn’t know two weeks ago that he could want from another person, but being close to Ohno is intoxicating, somehow, as if it makes him lose his head. And if he’s being totally honest, he fears that this heady feeling is what will make his judgement clouded, that it will somehow make everything less credible.
Ohno swallows and it looks like the words are painful for him - he remembers Ohno saying that he had to be honest, but it was difficult. Nino still doesn’t know him, doesn’t know why it’s so difficult for Ohno to say these things to him, and this far Nino can only wonder if there has been people in Ohno’s life who has given him such a hard time and has slung the words right back at him, or if these things always have been like pulling teeth. And however much Nino would like to be above this, he himself is no genius with words that mean something true.
“I - ” Ohno begins and finally looks at Nino, squarely and steeled as if he’s preparing himself for a blow, and it’s absolutely gutting to see. “I want to be good for you,” he admits. “It doesn’t mean that I am. But I’m trying.”
Is that enough?
“Oh-chan, I - ” Nino starts but stops again, because he’s trying to recall exactly what it was that Ohno had said that night, the exact wording. When he tries to, it’s suddenly so very clear, and he thinks that that in itself is a big clue that it was important and Ohno had tried his best for him then. “I… I wasn’t just saying it, you know?”
I could fall in love with you, too.
He’d said it back to Ohno when Ohno had been so, so brave first, because how could he not? He’d meant it and continues to mean it. He could fall in love with Ohno; it’s not just a hypothesis anymore, but a very real possibility, and he doesn’t know how far in he is already or how far there is to go, but he could fall in love with Ohno.
And more importantly, Nino is realizing that he wants to.
Something in Ohno’s eyes - settles, somehow. It dawns on him as he watches the emotions play over Ohno’s face, in the tension of his mouth, that it means something else now than it did when Ohno first said it. Now, somehow, it means more, it feels both heavier and lighter: heavier with everything they could be, with promises and what they already are. The potential is heavy, in a vaguely good way.
Lighter because they feel surer than they did earlier.
It’s this: the knowledge that they have time. It’s knowing that Ohno will at least give them two more weeks to settle, that he will stay in this for two more weeks even if they start fighting about every little thing tomorrow, and that Nino can reach for him and he’ll be in arm’s length, at least for a little while longer. They have had two weeks and they’re already halfway, and Nino thinks with awed wonder, that they have already come so far.
He takes a deep breath, then one more, and then feels more honest than he’s ever been in his entire life, because for him, this has always been what he lacked, what he has lost with other people he couldn’t trust: “I feel safe with you.”
That, apparently, is the entirely right thing to say. Wonder of wonders, because there’s a little bit of the awe Nino is feeling settling in Ohno’s entire posture as he looks back at Nino with his hands so sure on Nino’s hips.
It’s not just that he now knows how Ohno’s body feels, the delicious, heavy weight of him or how his breath in the night is so steady and calm, or that he takes his coffee tar black and likes plain yogurt in the mornings if he even eats. It’s way more than that, and it it’s like it satisfies something greedy in him for the moment.
It’s the knowledge that he’s allowed to know these small things, these things that seem so insignificant but are important bits of a much, much larger puzzle. It’s a privilege that he hasn’t been entirely sure that he’s worthy of, but he thinks as he sees the same kind of astonishment mirrored right back at him in Ohno’s wondering disposition, that maybe he’s not as alone in this as he’d initially thought he’d be. Perhaps they should have attempted this talk much earlier, but would they even have been able to speak this honestly and not feel smothered and about to fall off an edge they couldn’t recover from?
They’ll never know.
Because Nino can’t not fall into Ohno and hold his shoulders tight, flatten his hands across Ohno’s shoulder blades and slide his arms down to squeeze him tight, and Ohno holds him tightly right back, holds him closer and felt like Nino isn’t sure he’s been held before.
He doesn’t know if they’ll want to stay together in two weeks, but right in this moment, he doesn’t care.
It’s frightening; frankly speaking it’s downright terrifying and chilling, but damn it all, he doesn’t care anymore. Exhilaration wages bravely with the terror and for the first time, he’s not sure which will win.
He’s surprisingly, shockingly, okay with that, too.
*
On Tuesday for their weekly appointment, Nino feels that perhaps Shimabukuro should be able to see that they are physically closer than they’ve ever been. Or well, not right this moment they’re not, but they have been.
She doesn’t remark on anything, no long glances or pointed looks or weird comments. She asks about their week as she always does, asks how they’re doing separately and together and she looks satisfied when they both answer affirmatively but not offering an inch more.
Nino finds himself oddly protective of this thing he and Ohno are forming between them. It’s perhaps counterproductive to the experiment as a whole that he feels so disinclined to share with the class, but he reasons that his life is not an experiment he will share with the world. Not this part. This part is the intimacy he’s learning with Ohno, a map that’s his to explore.
“Good,” Shimabukuro-sensei says and pointedly doesn’t reach for her notepad as she usually would. Her eyes are kind, Nino is realizing now that he isn’t so busy hating the entire concept as a whole anymore. Beside him, Ohno seems a little bit preoccupied although Nino feels that he’s starting to get the hang of when Ohno is completely mentally absent or when he’s actually listening while appearing to be asleep with his eyes wide open.
This time, Nino is pretty sure it’s the latter, even though Nino can’t really fault him for it if he actually has fallen asleep. Therapists have that effect on people, Nino finds.
“I must say,” she begins and leans forward, and Nino subtly elbows (perhaps not so subtly, as Shimabukuro doesn’t even bother hiding her grin) Ohno, whose eyes refocus and he glances briefly at Nino before giving Shimabukuro his attention. “That you guys are doing good. Both Sakamoto-sensei and Nagano-sensei are pleased with your progress, although it seems that you both like to not talk about why you are in this experiment to begin with.”
And just so, she very casually addresses the elephant in the room, but surprisingly, Nino finds that even though he expected to not be able to breathe when the topic inevitably would get brought up, his lungs are working just fine. It’s weird and unexpected, but good.
“I don’t think I’m entirely ready yet.”
Nino’s eyes snap to Ohno.
That could’ve been him saying that, Nino knows. He thinks that maybe he shouldn’t be surprised that Ohno could also feel that way.
Ohno looks like he’d prefer if the couch would swallow him right on the spot. He looks brittle and also a little bit caught off guard that he’d actually said something, and Nino fights the very immediate urge to provide any kind of comfort to him. Belatedly, he registers this reaction as very telling, but he doesn’t dwell on it right then, he only cares that Ohno looks like he’s suddenly very uncomfortable. It’s chilling, because up until now, Ohno has been forthcoming and relaxed and seemingly totally okay with trying his best to meet Nino more than halfway.
“And that’s totally acceptable,” Shimabukuro says gently. “I’m not hurrying either of you along or pushing you into situations that you’re not at ease with, but you both need to recognize that you will have to address this subject sooner than you might think or sooner than you might be entirely comfortable with. You also both need to realize that you’re both operating under volatile circumstances that might cause you to react in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and that you can’t expect your behaviors to be this way when the experiment is over. When you’re off the heat, so to speak, you will most probably relax into better versions of yourselves.”
Or worse, Nino thinks grimly, but he can only speak for himself when he says that he’s been trying to be as much himself as he possibly can. He prefers thinking that Ohno is no one but his own kind self, and if he’s being honest and wishful, he thinks Ohno might be incapable of not being himself.
And just maybe, this time it’s up to Nino to stretch and reach Ohno more than halfway. If he’s being entirely honest with himself? He told himself at first that he signed up for this crack experiment because his mother and sister didn’t think he would actually do it, but that’s not true. Spite provides very strong motivation, but he can’t even begin to lie to himself about it anymore. It’s not spite.
It probably never even was.
Quite possibly he wasn’t even aware of it before now, but… for all his failed relationships, for how it has always seemed that he had commitment issues (with good reasons, he reminds himself), there might be a grain of truth in wanting to prove to himself that he can do this and that he can mean something to someone else that isn’t obligated to stay with him. It’s why it is so damn scary to hear Ohno admitting so quietly and so honestly that he could fall in love with Nino, because Nino is realizing that he wants that more than he can say.
He wants it.
He wants it in all its terrifying vastness, he wants it so badly he could shake with the force of it, and he’s so afraid.
…because what happens if Ohno doesn’t fall in love with him? What if Ohno brakes by the precipice as he suddenly realizes that Nino still is just a hand of all consonants in that game of scrabble that is their supposed shared life?
What will be left of Nino’s aching heart, then?
What holds Ohno back from being ready, whatever ready for Ohno means?
Ohno has, until now, done his very best for Nino, this Nino is completely certain of, and Ohno’s honesty has almost been tangible to him when Nino is pretty sure he himself would have balked far earlier than now, and if it makes Ohno scared to always have to take the lead with a man who seemingly doesn’t know what he wants, then Nino will just have to face his fear and do something about it. He doesn’t know what exactly it is that makes Ohno’s footing unsteady, but Nino will damn well make sure Ohno doesn’t stumble.
It hits him like a ton of bricks right then in that sterile office with Shimabukuro-sensei, who means so well but doesn’t know them no matter how much she seems to want to in all her professional competence, that he wants to make Ohno fall in love with him. If Ohno won’t fall on his own, Nino will damn well do his best to make it happen.
It’s that simple.
Or that difficult.
He had thought, when embarking on this entire marriage shindig that he’d be freaking out from start to finish and maybe even hightail it out of there, but now when he’s actually here and not internally (and externally) freaking out in a bathroom in Kyoto with his brand new husband probably wondering if Nino had dysentery, he feels nothing but calm. He hadn’t expected it to feel this way, hell, he hadn’t expected to feel any kind of positive feelings at all.
But now he’s here and he’s calm.
He can wait for Ohno to be ready, he knows this. He can wait and he will wait. He still has two weeks to work with. Well, technically he has less than two weeks, but Nino will do it. They have already accomplished so much between the two of them that it doesn’t seem entirely impossible anymore. Less than two weeks - maybe he can convince Ohno to stay with him longer than two weeks, to give them a chance if it hasn’t happened when the two weeks are over. It’s a wonder how he never knew he was capable of this want of making someone want him right back.
Perhaps Nino is closer to teetering on the precipice of love than he’d thought. Maybe Ohno has awoken a part of him he didn’t know he had. Feelings are making him stupid.
He doesn’t mind.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Nino says and if Shimabukuro-sensei looks surprised, he ignores it. He knows he’s been less than welcoming towards her and the project, and he hasn’t been quiet about it either, but this is not a blatant fuck you to her, or the marriage project.
It’s so much more than what he ever knew he was capable of.
It’s an extended hand to Ohno to meet him on Ohno’s half, on Ohno’s terms, when he has been so good and so patient about playing by Nino’s rules until now. He’s been selfish, he realizes that, in unconscious ways that Ohno has been unfairly accommodating about, but he has two weeks to make up for it. He’s not sure if two weeks are enough, but he can damn well try.
He’ll hold out his hand and offer it to Ohno, aching heart be damned.
He can only hope that Ohno will take it.
*
/To be continued