(no subject)
Title: A Simple Breakdown
Author: riku_aura777
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them.
Summary: "He wondered if it was possible to have an out of body experience while he was awake..."
Notes: Just wrote another story that I wanted to share, slightly based on this recurring dream I've been having.
It was six in the morning, but, by looking at the sky, it would have been impossible to tell. The sky was overcast, giant gray clouds covering it. There were occasional traces of fog as well, coming in and out of focus. The lack of present sun gave the morning air a slight chill, but it was the beginning of summer, so it was tolerable.
All things considering, it didn’t seem like the best time to be at the beach. It wasn’t a typical thing to do, let alone rational. But Alex wasn’t thinking rationally, so there he was, sitting on the beach, fingers lightly tracing patterns in the sand.
He was the only person there because, really, who else would be there at six in the morning? Alex knew he shouldn’t be there, but he had to get out of his house, even though it was five when he left and he should’ve been sleeping. He hadn’t been doing much of that lately.
Alex was sober too, which also hadn’t happened that often. Well, over the past week, anyway. Maybe he was depressed. He knew that’s what Jack thought, despite the fact that he hadn’t directly asked, “What’s wrong?” Alex could see the concern in every sideway glance they exchanged and each time he would end up kneeling in front of the toilet, Jack would be there, silently rubbing his back or stroking his hair. When Alex would lock him out, Jack would patiently wait in the hallway; always, no matter how long Alex would hide in there after throwing up. Ten minutes, thirty, sixty, it didn’t matter.
With how he had been acting recently, that was more than he deserved. He and Jack had been dating for over a year, had moved in together months ago, Alex had no reason to be depressed. And yet, he sure as hell wasn’t happy. He would say that he was… fine. All right, perhaps. A few notches above miserable, and that should have been good enough.
Kicking his shoes off, Alex stood up, wincing when he stepped on a jagged rock. The beach wasn’t particularly fine; it was more of a mix of sandy and rocky. Digging into his pockets, he placed his cell phone and car keys inside one of them. Then, he walked toward the ocean.
The water was more unruly than the sky. While the sky only hinted at rain, the water crashed against the beach audibly. It wasn’t bright, the water choosing a darker, bleaker shade with unmanageable waves. Alex had only taken three steps into the water and his pants were almost completely soaked. Hoping to salvage his shirt, he removed it, throwing it at his shoes. It landed a foot away from them.
Without caution, Alex wandered farther into the water. When it reached his waist, he cringed. The water was even colder on bare skin. He should’ve turned back after realizing that, gone back, gathered his things, and turned on the heat in his car. Instead, he took another step.
He had never felt so detached from life before. It was worse now, trapped in the water. At least around Jack, or his friends, or his family, he had the option of talking. He just hadn’t been lately, and he didn’t even know why. He just didn’t feel like himself anymore, like he was going through some transformation he didn’t want to experience. Alex was turning into a person he didn't want to be, and he had no idea how to go back to being normal.
But now, in the ocean, he was completely alone. He had never felt this detached, not even when Daniel died.
Shaking his head, he threw his hand into the water, ignoring the splash it caused and his body’s shivery reaction. He couldn’t think about Daniel, he couldn’t handle that right now.
Closing his eyes, Alex wondered. He wondered if it was possible to have an out of body experience while he was awake, because he had had dreams where he was watching himself, an outsider watching a scene unfold. He wasn’t asleep now, but he also felt like he was still on the beach, watching himself wade into the water while wondering, what the hell happened to me? Part of him also felt like he was still with Jack, even though he had woken up on the couch earlier today. But he wasn’t there with Jack, and now he couldn’t but worry. What if Jack woke up? Alex hadn’t left a note or anything saying where he had gone. What if Jack was worrying? What if-
His mind went blank as an unnoticed strong, high wave went over his head, pushing him underwater and leaving him unable to breathe.
Since his eyes had been closed, leaving him unsuspecting, Alex had unintentionally swallowed a mouthful of water, and maybe that was the cause of the amount of fear he experienced; after all, he had only been under the water for ten seconds, at the most, but they were a long ten seconds.
Emerging from the depths, Alex realized how far he had walked. The water went up to his neck, and the sand and rocks beneath his feet were unstable. He could barely touch the surface, but he managed to make his way back to shore, coughing the whole way. Swallowing the water made him feel nauseous, more than he was before he went under, and he hated the salty, bitter taste that still remained.
Wiping his hands on his equally drenched jeans and continuing to cough, Alex sat back down on the sand. Reaching into his shoe, he grabbed his phone. Surprised by the time-more than an hour had gone by, even though it felt like ten minutes-he noticed he had a new message. It was from Jack, short, simple, but it broke Alex’s heart for some reason.
Where r u?
Maybe it was because that confirmed that Jack was worrying, especially since it was sent twenty minutes ago. Placing his phone in the sand, Alex brought his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees. Then, he buried his fingers in his hair and breathed. He was shaking, mostly from the cold, and he breathed. In, out. In, out. And he felt… Alex didn’t quite know how he was feeling, but he felt like he was there, and maybe that was for the best. Maybe it meant Jack didn’t need to stage an intervention or anything; the ocean had all ready done that. Maybe it meant Alex could find his way back to himself, back to the people that he loved.
Standing, he grabbed his phone, shirt, and shoes, although he didn’t put them on. Removing his keys, he all but ran to his car. He didn’t turn on the heat though, knowing that he’d most likely get sick, but Alex didn’t care. He just needed to get home. Luck, miraculously, he was on his side, because no traffic interfered and no cops were around to catch him for speeding.
Leaving everything in his car, Alex took his keys and walked to the front door. Nervousness suddenly returned, but he pushed it aside. Ready to unlock the door, he was surprised when it opened, revealing a concerned Jack.
But then Jack’s face morphed into a different expression, mixing in confusion and, possibly, disbelief. But that was understandable, seeing as Alex was shirtless, soaked, and shivering. At least the sun was out now, Alex realized, feeling the tiniest bit warmer.
Any other day, Alex probably would’ve laughed, but today he asked, “Can I come in?” And the words were foreign, because he lived there, why did he even feel the need to ask?
Once Jack shuffled out of the way, Alex entered, internally sighing at how warm it was. Then he focused on Jack, who still appeared worried and confused and disbelieving. Alex smiled, something he hadn’t genuinely done in a long time, because it felt right. And he watched Jack’s face soften, leaving Alex to hope that he realized how honest his smile was.
“What happened?” Jack questioned. Alex was impressed by his ability to remain calm right now.
He didn’t want to tell Jack about his breakdown at the beach. Not right now, anyway, because Alex himself couldn’t really make sense of it. It would be impossible to explain, but Jack had a knack for understanding him when no one else did. Hopefully, he still possessed the skill.
“Can we talk about it later? I kinda just want to go back to bed.” That was the truth; he was finally starting to feel the sleepless nights he had endured over the last week.
Jack nodded, and he felt amazed. He was being so understanding when he should’ve been demanding answers. Alex stepped forward, kissing Jack for a few seconds, and then hugged him because, fuck, he was lucky to have him, lucky to have someone who would put up with his bullshit. Especially when he felt Jack’s arms wrap tightly around his body. Alex immediately felt warmer.
“Back to bed then,” Jack said through a yawn, grabbing Alex’s hand. “It’s too early to be alive.”
Allowing Jack to lead him to their room, Alex shook his head, replying, “No… it’s just too early to be awake.”