What Are Words 1/2
Jaejoong had just finished his last photoshoot for the day, makeups still dec0rating his face, all thick and heavy. His hair was still in it’s styled state, bangs too heavy on one side and fluffy back hairs .All the previously applied products still very much intact, leading on an oncoming headache, heavy and sore after a long day of being someoneelse’s puppet.
Toeing his shoes off, Jaejoong slammed the front door close, as fatigue lingered in the mechanic moves of his limbs. All heavy and detached.
As soon as he stepped inside the living area the smell of cooked meat warfting around caught his attention and not sooner than that a low distinct voice of a male accompanied with a tall silhoutte of his spouse entered his vision.
“owh. ...Joongie-ah you’re home?!” happiness coloured those expressive brown orbs as Changmin , his spouse saw him making his entrance.
The sight caused a flutter in Jaejoong’s stomach, leaving him giddy and elected, but reserved made itself clear when Jaejoong just squared his shoulder a little bit more, schooling tight his emotions until all that was left was a mask of disinterest and calculative responds.
“uhummm..”
Changmin nodded his head slightly. The change and disinterest in Jaejoong’s tone was not noticed as his previous reason for his happiness lingered still.
“why don’t you go and wash up first, hurmm...??and later we can eat our dinner together.. I cooked us some galbi... and kimchi jjgae extra spicy just the way you like it..and..and maybe later we can talk a bit ok? That is if you’re not tired.” Uncertainty took a small part of Changmin’s speech as he saw the fatigue swarmed his Jaejoong’s facial. Washout,tired and uninterested.
Sensing the change in normalcy, Jaejoong unconciously scrunhed his brows. It’s not that Changmin has never cooked for him cause both of them cook for the other depending on who comes home first, and between his scheduled photoshoots and tv commercials, he has little time to spend at home. So it has always been Changmin that attends to his needs. From his food , his clothings to even their house, all of it was Changmin’s area.
But today, he felt the happiness literally dripping from those crinkled eyes and pouty lips, just the things that caught his attention well other than the way he sensually dribbles the ball on the field and such.
Some might say that he was being superficial and shallow, falling in love with someone for only their fame, glory and looks but who’s to say that they won’t do it if given a chance? In fact he thinks that the only reason Changmin is sticking around with his inexpressive and unresponsive assed of a face was because he was famous and pretty hisself, and because of that he finds himself restraining his heart just a little bit tighter ‘No i cannot fall for his ! cause i can’t get hurt.i don’t want to’
“....”silence filled in as Jaejoong waited for the inevitable reasoning for the sudden euphoria. He thought back hard, did anything regarding their nation’s football team winning anything came into news this morning but nothing ring his bell . He was stumped and decided to wait for the revealation from Changmin himself.
“owh... joongie-ah what are you waiting for?? Owh do you need my help to remove your make ups? A massage?”
“no! I can do it myself.” Waving his hand slightly to push away Changmin’s , that had started rubbing slow soothing circles around his shoulder, easing the knots. Jaejoong who nearly moaned in the comfort the gestures ,barely kept his mouth tight.
Corcerned, coupled with a lingering worried gaze that managed to shook Jaejoong’s stand a little more, Changmin took a stepped back. Exiting Jaejoong’s personal space.
Jaejoong who saw the motion, suddenly felt like pulling those long fingers and maybe..just maybe wrap it around his, cause he needed those touch, just as much as he needs to eat now a days. But he won’t say it. No, he won’t cause he’s positive that once he caved to those feelings, it’ll fly away. Changmin’ll fly away.
Cause he is after all just a trophy husband to his Changmin all pretty , shiny and nice to flaunt but nothing to hold close to. Cause everyone knows that trophy’s are meant for the shelves, to be looked at, to be admired ,and dusted. Something that makes you proud and that is just as far as they go.
Proud.
“ I ..I’ll just go and look at the stew ok?”
Jaejoong watched Changmin’s retreating steps as he turned to enter their kitchen. A sigh escaped as he felt his heart slowing . The hurt that he saw in Changmin’s orbs managed to leave a dent in his fragile pscyhe, as do any other feelings he saw in Changmin, had done to him.
All because it was Changmin..his Changmin...
‘you can do this Jaejoong! hwaiting! Y..you just need to keep your feelings to yourself and maybe he’ll stick around longer ..’
With a final glance, Jaejoong turned his body slightly and headed to their shared bedroom, movement heavy with lingering heartaches and insecurities.
----
“Jaejoong-ah eat more... the meat’s nice right? I marinated it for four hours before cooking it..”
“uhm...yeah..”
“uhh..so Jaejoong-ah how was your day? Anything interesting happened? Anything you want to share?”
“...no...just that i signed for another two years of extended contract with the company said, they want to produce a new line of clothing and that they need me to buzz it up..”
Hearing Jaejoong’s answer and seeing how his eyes practically sparkled with hidden pride talking about his career, Changmin found himself hesitating on his decision to share his news..”...owh..okay...”
Sensing the desperation clung heavily to the air Jaejoong lifted his gaze and cleared his throat.
“ehem...you want to say something ?”
With just four little words that he uttered, Jaejoong saw how Changmin’s twin orbs shine with uncomparable intensity. All bright and happy.
‘was it because i showed that i actually cared about what he wants to say? Does my attention mean that much to his?...nah...i don’t think he’ll even care if i want to hear it or not..i’m sure there’s a lot more people out there who’d do a lot of things, just to have Korean’s Golden Footballer talk to them.'
‘shessshh..’Jaejoong unconciously sneered thinking of all those girls chanting his husband’s name, holding up banners with his spouse’s face. ‘Get a live girls!!! He is mine! And not even straight to begin with..huh’
“owh yeah it’s nothing. I just got a few days off from coach and..and nah nothing that important I guess... It can wait until later..right now I just want to make sure that you eat your fill. You must be tired after all those activities neh...jjah here eat more meat..you need the energy ..”
Changmin used his chopstick to pick up a particularly big piece of stewed meat and put it in Jaejoong’s bowl.
“owh..hurm thanks..” flustered by Changmin’s sudden change of emotion left very little space for Jaejoong to conjure up a response.
The rest of the dinner saw Changmin occasionally filling up Jaejoong’s bowl with all meats and vegetables with slashes of ‘you need to eat more Jaejoong-ah’ or ‘omo, uri Jaejoong eats prettily , perfect just like everythingelse he does’..
Jaejoong knew he wasn’t perfect not with the slight pimple scars on his nose that the stylist noona needs to take extra care every photoshoot and the extra thick gloss that they put just to cover his strangely thin upper lips , but then Jaejoong prayed harder to be perfect. All cause his Changmin said he was. And just like that he wanted to be it.
If it’s perfect that Changmin wants, perfect is what he will be.
And for the rest of the night , they sat in silence on the sofa with the loud noises from the tv drowning the stagnant air.
The heat Jaejoong felt from his side sent him into a turmoil of emotion. He gripped his side of the sofa’s arm as he find himself losing his mask around his spouse when Changmin cracked up, laughing to one particularly funny stunt pulled .
The way Changmin’s eyes crinkled in a mismatched slits and his mouth quirked when he laughs, sent tingles down Jaejoong’s body.
Watching his spouse got lost in the scenes, Jaejoong find himself re-living the first time they met.
They were both attending their friends' wedding and as cliche as it sounds , they literally and figuratively bump into each other. All spilled cocktails and ruined shirts, but through all those stain and confusions, months later Jaejoong found himself standing at the end of the altar facing the priest reciting slowly his oath.
That was after a few weekly outings that consist mainly of, either of them visiting the other at their workplaces and later eating take outs, at hidden corners. Trying hard to keep personal their celeb-like lives. All because he, the well sought after model ,Kim Jaejoong who had made his own fame working through thick and thin, was then having an affair with Korea’s Football Darling, Shim Changmin who at the age of eighteen had scored the most goals in Korea’s football history and had never missed a shot.
‘..i promise to love and cherish him in sickness and in health, in rich and poor, till death do us part..’ a little part of Jaejoong find himself shaking slightly thinking of the possibility that his spouse would leave him behind to fend off the living, to keep trudging himself through this life alone. Because Kim Jaejoong was never alone, at least not before he knew Changmin. Because now with just a glance from Changmin he is hollow. All empty and useless. Nothing compared to his Changmin. His perfect Changmin.
Lost in his musing, Jaejoong slowly began to close his leaded eyelids. Blinking frutively trying to ward off the wanning sleepiness, but the tiredness from a full day of hustles, car rides and never ending poses were catching up with him , and he finds himself nodding slightly in his sleepy state. His head leaning dangerously close to Changmin’s shoulders but his strength to stop the contact, evades him as the softness of changmin’s pyjamas met his cheeks in a soft slow motion scene.
Changmin who had been watching his spouse getting lost in his musing, smiled a bit, as he saw Jaejoong slowly lost himself in his sleepy murmurs.
Changmin stretched his hand a little, patting slowly his spouse’s head as he smiled . The pattings reduced itself to cardings and soothing sounds as Changmin tried to lull his spouse further into his sleep to wash all the tiredness away.
“Jaejoong-ah...Joongie..actually i wanted to tell you that ..that i got an offer, a mail from one of the premier league clubs in Europe for a position in their team. Coach Song told me to take it, said that it was rare enough that any of the European clubs would take interest in outside players and also that this would do my resume good , that it can help sharpen my skill and open my eyes to other possibilities.. So i wanted to ask you to come with me. Come to London with me Joongie-ah but..but Joongie-ah i saw how you practically shone when you’re talking about your job, your dream. And i just couldn’t find it in me to make you give it up for me and..i don’t want to leave you... I don’t want to go if it means me leaving you behind , us breaking apart....come with me cause i can’t be without you but you can’t...i...ahhh...i’m rambling right baby? Well sleep tight baby...dream of me baby and I.. love you okay...just so you know..i love you.”
Changmin closed his glistening eyes tightly, while slowly kissing Jaejoong’s temple . The kiss left as much effect on Changmin’s heart than it does to Jaejoong’s as Jaejoong’s eyes fluttered close.
The last of Changmin’s words repeating itself in jaejoong’s mind ‘i love you..i love you..i love you..’ successfully lulling his deeper into his sleep as the last of his awareness left him to fly to a land where they were but a couple of normal people, living a normal life. Free of prying eyes and vinying rumours. In a land where they were free to love each other with no restrictions, with no reasons because they just do.
Changmin having released all his suffocating dilemma felt a weight being lifted, cause now he could rest his mind as the choices were made, leaned his head slowly atop of jaejoong’s, closing his eyes .
He would reject the offer, cause as much as he loves soccer. As much as he would love to gain new experiences, see new places , he just needed Jaejoong more, he just loved Jaejoong more. Thus the rejection, turn down.
A soft tilt of lips made it’s presences, as Changmin flew to a place, where Jaejoong loves him. Loves him just as much as he does to a place where he didn’t have to choose between his love and his dream because they’re all the same, two sides of a coin different but connected. As the last of Changmin’s conciousness left him, four words formed itself on his lips ‘I love you, Jaejoong-ah...’
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The next few days find Changmin pretty much attached to Jaejoong. The footballer spent more than half of his off days going around following his spouse making sure he’s not working himself to death.
This by default made itself into the schedule of his Max FC, Changmin’s personal fanclub, consisting of overly excited fangirls who’d scream their ass of seeing him doing almost everything that was known to mankind and was keen on following his every steps like obedient pups. This left a crowd double the usual amount around Jaejoong’s shooting area, leaving his restless and hyperaware of his surroundings.
With the sudden mount for photoshoot offers coming in Jaejoong can feel his bone literally melting under all those loads but he find himself thriving just as hard as before, all because of his spouse that never seem to get tired from pampering him with all his undivided attention.
Changmin went around getting what he thought Jaejoong might’ve want. From mere water bottles after everytime the photographer let Jaejoong rest , to covering him up in thick jackets and making sure his Jaejoong got all his nutrients and energy to work as he none-to-discreetly pushed almost all of his own meats into his spouse’s lunch.
With words that sounded something like ,” uri perfect Joongie must eat more, so that he can pose beautifully , neh...jjah here eat more okay?”
Jaejoong who had been feeling somewhat off from the start of the day, just nodded his head in answer.
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Hours later after the shooting has ended,Jaejoong and Changmin find themselves walking together through the park under their condo, and because of the time then, there were not a soul to be seen other than the flutter of midnight owl. Lonely and silence heavy in the air.
As the coldness of late nights and early mornings seeped through, Jaejoong shivered, an involuntary reaction trying to produce some heat for his near frozen body.
Seeing his spouse’s condition, the sudden shiver that he saw pushed Changmin into a spur of blurred movement, took off his jackets and carefully covering Jaejoong’s slightly broader ones.
“aishh,uri Joongie needs to take better care of himself! What if i wasn’t here? What would you do? Freeze to death?”
“.....” the weight of Changmin’s sudden words settled itself deep in Jaejoong’s heart and suddenly their marriage oath rang through his ‘....till death do us part..’, no...even death won’t keep me away from my Changmin, my reason to breath itself.’ Determination coloured itself in Jaejoong’s twin orbs as he scrunched his brows in emphasize to his statement...
’all because he was never a friend of solitude, especially not since Changmin came into his life, all bubbly and full of love, though it might not be entirely for him , Jaejoong still finds himself basking himself in all of it...because for the time being he can still imagine that it was...because for the time being Changmin was still his, before he finds someoneelse good enough for him to flaunt,,, but before that, Jaejoong’d make the most of it...the most of his attention..his affection...all solely on him..’
Seeing the way Jaejoong scrunched his brows, Changmin leaned into Jaejoong’s space , embracing the lad and softly pecking Jaejoong’s temple, putting in as much assurance as he could into the gesture..”omo, Joongie-ah you know i won’t leave you right? Even death won’t take me away cause for you I’ll linger, I’ll stay. The heaven’s can wait as long as i could have you..”
The assurance from Changmin, left Jaejoong in a mess of melted heart and blooming love, falling just a little bit more with his spouse, all awkwardly cute and transparent. Changmin not like him Kim Jaejoong was known to be a silent man. He rarely said more than two words finding it easier to express himself to the crowd in mere actions, thus throwing a couple of nods and smiles to the crowds...but Jaejoong? Jaejoong on the other hand was the epitome of a legendary media darling, all pretty, soft spoken and eloquent.Resulting in him being on TVs as the media had taken a liking in inviting him as their guest from just a talk show, commercials or even variety shows.
But to Changmin, Jaejoong finds his tongue frozen, his mind a pile of mush and fluffy feelings.
Surreal .
Thus changing their dynamic, leaving Changmin to shower their marriage with as much love , words and attention as he could. Changmin, a man who was never into words and confessed feelings found himself suddenly a voyeur,a talker, just so that maybe he could talk for the both of them, he could feel for the both of them.
So Changmin smiled harder, Changmin loved deeper and he talked a lot more. All because he could feel Jaejoong’s insecurity in their relationship, pained, insecure and attached but too far off for his to pull back , so Changmin resorted with just hanging around his,waiting for the day for Jaejoong to come back and maybe find him.
“I love you...” a silent confession from Jaejoong left Changmin pretty much gaping .
Jaejoong who was lost to his own imaginations of a world without Changmin, mouthed his feelings softly,all full of love and admittance.
“....”
But the silence that reigned in, left a hollow case of empty thread in Jaejoong’s fragile heart leaving him cowering his feeling as much as he could, tucking it into the folded corners of his heart.
Reflexed , Jaejoong swatted the stoned Changmin away. He took shaky steps towards their condo, heavy with regrets and heartache.
Unseen to him a lorry was making it’s way down through the same road, quickly with building urgency, it accelerated down the road.
Changmin who was then still shocked with Jaejoong’s sudden confession and reaction caught a light from the corners of his eyes. Suddenly a vision of a whole heavy loaded lorry tumbling towards his oblivious spouse, filled in.
From then on everything moved in a pace slow enough for him to feel the clamming fear gripping his heart , but fast enough that he finds sprinting towards Jaejoong to intercept the inevitable crash, a near impossible task.
Moments later, all that was left was a pool of crimson liquid flowing steadily from two prone bodies , all lacerated , and exposed.
The lorry driver who was then in pretty much a shocked state, pulled out his phone , shakily dialing for the ambulance.
Terrified high pitched voice was all he could managed as he remained as a spectator to the blood bath in front of his. Having the lorry as his shield, he managed to walk away with just a bloodied upper lips and a much bruising left eye, but everything pretty much intact. He re-lived, the scene moments before the collision happened.
How his moments of absences from this world, of musing caused him two innocent lives...
----
Changmin sprinted towards Jaejoong who by then was already in the middle of the road. A tug of shirt,a twirl of limbs and a bodily push later, finds Changmin pretty much resigned to his fate.
’ If dying means saving his heart, he’ll die a thousand times more just to make sure Jaejoong could live another day.Jaejoong could smile another smile’
But he didn’t know, Changmin didn’t know that he was the reason for the thumps of Jaejoong’s heart. He didn’t know that he was the tug of Jaejoong’s smile. He was.. Jaejoong’s life itself...but he didn’t know that.
A blinding light,a loud honk and screeched tyre sounds collided with the silence of the night. Breaking the silence, but momentarily binding their hearts, for a moment nothing mattered more to each other than their counter parts, the noises but a mere buzz, the collision but a mere tap as their eyes met. Changmin with resignation, love while Jaejoong with his equivalent of confusion and dread dripping with a loud mental shout of warning. Warning him of the coming hurt, not for him , but his heart, his Changmin, his life....
----
Opening his eyes slowly, Changmin readied himself for the coming hurt. His distorted limbs and lacerated body, felt like leads being magnetised to the road. All heavy and unmovable.
He was tired and as soon as the brightness of the surrounding assaulted his senses, he wished that he never did open them, but an incessant tugging in his heart lead his otherwise.
Turning his head slowly he saw how Jaejoong was sprawled on the road , face bloodied , lying precariously . ‘Joongie?..Jaejoongie?...did i fail? I didn’t manage to save him?...no..no..NO!!!’
“Jaejoong-ah...uri Jaejoongie...please open your eyes..hurm..do it for me okay?”
“Jaejoong-ah I..I won’t ask you to come to my games anymore...I..I promise I’ll do all the houseworks ok?and..and I won’t ask you to talk to me ever again.. you don’t even have to answer all my daily questions...I’ll...I’ll stop bugging you..I promise...I’ll stop..I won’t force you to do anything that you don’t want...I..I won’t...just live..just breath and stay alive...”
Adrenaline pumped through Changmin’s vein seeing the state of his spouse. And suddenly he was just a spectator. He was the one watching the scene. Watching how he tried hard to get to Jaejoong’s unmoving body. His limbs was in flaring pains, but nothing could stop him. Muscles were strained, bones moved and limbs lifted. Desperation left him exposed and fragile, but he was okay with it, as long as he got to Jaejoong. Everything was alright, as long as he was able to hold his heart again.
Too busy with trying to move his uncoorporating limbs Changming missed the flutter of Jaejoong’s lashes, slow and painful but moving all the same...
Jaejoong who was then still trying to piece together the prior event caught Changmin’s pained and forced movement. A trudge here , pained gasped , slow moaned and and an inch moved. Changmin’s rhythm left him breathlessly waiting. Waiting for his heart to make way to him, he saw how bloodied Changmin was, all torned flesh and broken bones but determination flared his on and just like that Jaejoong found himself tearing .
Jaejoong wanted Changmin to stop. Stop moving around and wait for help to arrive, stop moving around and just look at him, say that he loves him and maybe, just maybe, they can both resign themselves to their own happy ending. All broken , beaten but happily loved.Because now more than ever, Jaejoong find himself able to believe all Changmin’s whispered confessions, all his promises , all his ‘I love you’s’.
But Changmin kept moving, he kept hurting and Jaejoong found himself praying, for a future together, for an oppurtunity to love and be loved, for them to grow old and wrinkly together. Supporting each other, walking slowly, tending to the flower beds that Changmin loved so much, sitting down on their outdoor swing with their dog, Vick curled up on their foot.’
As darkness invades him, Jaejoong threw a reassuring smile towards Changmin. Soft, assured and content. ‘Changmin-ah...it’s okay...we’re okay..i’m okay...’...
Changmin who saw the slow closure of jaejoong’s lashes mustered all his strength and let out a heartfelt scream. A scream for his sanity, for his strength all because he failed to protect his Jaejoong.
“nooooooooooooooo...”
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