Control
I have control issues.
I refuse to let myself relax. I refuse to /not/ be in control.
This is causing some problems, as you've all probably noticed.
You see, i don't come off as a typical control freak. I'm not bizzarly organized, i don't get mad if i don't get my way. I don't make all the decisions and then flip out if things don't go as planned.
But it's all part of my bizzare need to have control over what happens.
I get to the point where i'm unable to make decisions, because i'm terrified of choosing /wrong/. I obsess so horribly over the teeny little details of my self, that i can't make thoes big, life-altering choices.
My biggest fear is letting myself loose control.
And i don't need to be IN control. I need to be UNDER control.
I refuse to drink. I don't do drugs. I won't engage in sex that is in any way /mutual/. I have to be under control. All the time.
When it comes to the consumption of mind/mood altering substances: No. Flat out no. Because if i don't have inhibitions, i may do something that is either 1)Embarrasing or foolish, and then i will be forced to re-live it over and over and over ad nauseum. or 2) Will let my very carefully placed controls relax, and end up doing something like wandering ten blocks away with no shoes on, or damaging myself beyond repair, and so forth.
Sex is... well... a challenge, if my partner ever wants me to be physically satisfied. I'm a giver. And i'm a giver because i'm comepletely afraid of ever giving someone the ability to cause me pleasure, or dissapointment, for that matter. They can't have control over me if they're not giving me anything that i particularly want.
I eat when i'm upset or confused, because i can control food. I can control food, and i can control pain. Thoes things together can keep me in a relative state of calm, at least on the outside.
I managed to function at work today primarily because between customers i was snapping an elastic on my wrist to the point that it almost bled.
I've gone through two rolls of scotch tape, because every time i feel anxious i make tiny rolls of it and roll them back and forth between my fingers till i feel better.
I feel like i'm coming apart.
And worse, i feel like i can't let it show. Like no matter how much i want out, no matter how much i crave change and difference and /better/ness, i won't achieve it. Because there's too much variable.
All that i am is potential. Potential for greatness, and potential for disaster. Let go of one, release the other.
How do i decide?
I refuse to let myself relax. I refuse to /not/ be in control.
This is causing some problems, as you've all probably noticed.
You see, i don't come off as a typical control freak. I'm not bizzarly organized, i don't get mad if i don't get my way. I don't make all the decisions and then flip out if things don't go as planned.
But it's all part of my bizzare need to have control over what happens.
I get to the point where i'm unable to make decisions, because i'm terrified of choosing /wrong/. I obsess so horribly over the teeny little details of my self, that i can't make thoes big, life-altering choices.
My biggest fear is letting myself loose control.
And i don't need to be IN control. I need to be UNDER control.
I refuse to drink. I don't do drugs. I won't engage in sex that is in any way /mutual/. I have to be under control. All the time.
When it comes to the consumption of mind/mood altering substances: No. Flat out no. Because if i don't have inhibitions, i may do something that is either 1)Embarrasing or foolish, and then i will be forced to re-live it over and over and over ad nauseum. or 2) Will let my very carefully placed controls relax, and end up doing something like wandering ten blocks away with no shoes on, or damaging myself beyond repair, and so forth.
Sex is... well... a challenge, if my partner ever wants me to be physically satisfied. I'm a giver. And i'm a giver because i'm comepletely afraid of ever giving someone the ability to cause me pleasure, or dissapointment, for that matter. They can't have control over me if they're not giving me anything that i particularly want.
I eat when i'm upset or confused, because i can control food. I can control food, and i can control pain. Thoes things together can keep me in a relative state of calm, at least on the outside.
I managed to function at work today primarily because between customers i was snapping an elastic on my wrist to the point that it almost bled.
I've gone through two rolls of scotch tape, because every time i feel anxious i make tiny rolls of it and roll them back and forth between my fingers till i feel better.
I feel like i'm coming apart.
And worse, i feel like i can't let it show. Like no matter how much i want out, no matter how much i crave change and difference and /better/ness, i won't achieve it. Because there's too much variable.
All that i am is potential. Potential for greatness, and potential for disaster. Let go of one, release the other.
How do i decide?