Ticking (2/2)
Jinki came back to the club the following day. From what he had researched on Kibum was going to perform tonight. He didn’t know why he went. Maybe to make sure his vision wasn’t fooling him yesterday, or maybe he enjoyed the pain, Jinki didn’t know.
The lights went out and just like the day before, a spotlight shone on Kibum. Much to Jinki’s relief, Kibum wore a little more than he had on yesterday. But it still wasn’t enough for him to be okay. The beat started to pick up and the beautiful man started moving. Second by second he started taking off his clothes. When Kibum was left in that goddamned tight low cut shirt and what look like it might as well be a girl’s panty, he strutted to the end of the stage and spread his legs in front of an old man who were waving a few fifty-dollar bills, and Jinki lost it. He pushed aside the other men around him to get closer to the stage. Jinki's eyes met with Kibum as the other stood up and made his way to another man and he desperately, desperately wished he could read what’s going on in Kibum’s mind because he wished Kibum wanted him to take him away like a big rescue of some sort but he couldn’t and Kibum was still dancing. Without any thought he took of his jacket and threw it to Kibum who was bending over for a greasy old man that was now casually slipping a few bills in Kibum’s pants. He looked honestly surprised when the jacket hit him. He froze for a second and picked up the jacket. He tried looking around the room to see Jinki but to no avail. Jinki had already left. He was woken up from his daze by a particularly loud shout from his left side. He quickly recovered by giving the man a seductive smirk and a spread of his legs. He felt physically ill.
*
Soon enough his night came to an end. Kibum thanked the stars that he had no further um- appointments tonight. He didn’t feel like going back to his apartment. He felt alone and weak. He had never felt this disgusted with himself since the very first day he started this profession. Over the years he had learned to cope with the feelings. It was just a job and it meant nothing. But somehow, the last few encounters with Jinki made him feel a thousand times worse than what he felt then. Instead of walking to his apartment, his feet took him to the one place he could find solace. He really wasn’t expecting a lone shadow sitting on his spot but he quickly recognized who it was and slowly approached him.
“What are you doing here?” He hated how weak he sounded. The man sitting in front of him smiled a bit bitterly.
“This is our place right? Whenever we feel troubled or sad we’ll come here right?” He answered without looking at Kibum. His gaze fixed at the crashing waves before him. Kibum sat down next to him quietly. Close enough that he could feel the other’s warmth but not enough to let their arms touched. They stayed quite for a couple of minutes, both busy with their own thoughts.
“How long have you been doing this job?” His voice was low and calculated as if he was afraid to hear the answer. Kibum head fell as he heard the question. He took a deep breath, as if preparing for a possible explosion of questions.
“10 years.” Jinki was…dumbfounded to say the least, at how casual Kibum sounded. Like he had just answer a question about the weather. He couldn’t believe that it had been going on for that long. He didn’t feel like filtering his thoughts tonight, so he voiced out his thoughts.
“Why did you do it Kibum? This... of all the jobs in the world.” Jinki didn’t know what to expect of Kibum’s explanation, but he guessed he just needed something to make him understand. To find a silver lining. Kibum turned to face Jinki,
“I’m guessing you want more explanation than just ‘I need the money.’ But really, I didn’t finish high school. I had no qualifications, no specific talents what do you suppose I could do? Honestly, Jinki… do you think I want to sell my body? Do you think I’m enjoying myself? No. But I had to do it, I need the money.” Kibum was getting frustrated. All the emotions pent up over the year had finally exploded. Kibum wanted Jinki to understand where he was coming from. That this hadn’t been his ideal choice of career. That none of this would’ve happened if he had any other options to choose from.
“But you can just-!”
“Just what? I wished I didn’t have to do this. I wished things were perfect. I really do. In a perfect world, Jinki, I wouldn’t have to sell myself-”
“Shut up.”
“In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to spread my legs or bend over in order to pay my father’s debt-”
“Shut up!”
“In a perfect world, my parents would still be happily married. But no, this is the reality. I’m just a pathetic whore with a fucked up life.” Kibum was honestly surprised when Jinki screamed. He had his hands gripping his hair tight and screamed. Kibum visibly flinched. He had never witness this side of Jinki and as much as it scared him it broke his heart too. He couldn’t stand seeing Jinki like this just because of him. He started muttering ‘sorry’ but Jinki didn’t stop crying. He cried so hard he thought his vocal cord will snap. When Jinki started to calm down, Kibum muster his courage and reached for Jinki’s hand. When Jinki didn’t move he held his hand tightly, a little bit surprised that Jinki was squeezing back. Jinki leaned back and lie on the sand without letting go of Kibum’s hand. His mouth was moving but Kibum couldn’t hear what he was saying and he wanted Jinki to rest so he didn’t ask. Soon Jinki became quiet and his chest began to rise and fall rhythmically. He must’ve tired himself out and fell asleep, which was good, Kibum thought.
During the rest of the night Kibum didn’t let go of Jinki’s hand, nor did he sleep. He sat there, knees to his chest and silent tears running down his face. He felt terrible. He started thinking about Jinki’s life. From his point of view Jinki had a considerably good life after he left town. He had gone through his education well and now he had a wonderful job and so much more ahead of him. And as much as he didn’t want to believe he just… didn’t fit. Because who would want someone with his history as a life partner. Who would want to introduce a stripper-slash-prostitute to his boss and colleagues, and oh god, family. It’s not like he could quit and live off of Jinki’s money. Jinki wasn’t filthy rich. And even if he was, Kibum didn’t he would want to depend on Jinki’s money to live. Plus he still had to care for his father, moneywise. So by the end of the night, he concluded that happy endings are utter bullshit.
*
When Jinki woke up later that day, he felt as if someone had punched him with a metal glove on his eyes. His throat felt dry and his bones ached. He tilted his head to his left to see Kibum’s spot empty, safe for a neatly folded jacket he recognized to be his. He closed his eyes and replayed last night’s conversation with Kibum and the only conclusion he was able to come up with was that all of it was his fault. If he didn’t left him he would be there for Kibum. If he didn’t left Kibum he could help him work in safer, much better places. If he was here he could talk Kibum out of doing this. If only he was here. If only he didn’t leave.
*
That morning Kibum went to the café he worked for and practically begged the store manager for a few weeks off (or in other words: until Lee Jinki leave.) He went back to his apartment, packed a few things and left with a heavy sigh. He walked down the familiar street of his old house and his stomach churned. He hated this place, and all the memories this place had. But this was home. This was where he grew up, where his father lived. He knew he needed the comfort of the familiarity, no matter how painful it would be.
He was about to knock when he noticed the door was slightly ajar. The door creaked open and he stepped inside. Obviously enough, the place wasn’t a palace but it was a goddamn mess. Beer cans, cigarette butts, ashes, empty pill bottles and random plastic bags were strewed around the room. It didn’t take time to recognize the slumped figure on the old dirty couch. Kibum contemplated whether or not to wake his father but he decided not to, so he went straight to his old room.
The sight that greeted him didn’t surprise him at all. It was less messy than the living room and kitchen but it seemed that his dad was looking for something. All his drawers and wardrobe were opened, its content scattered on the floor and bed. The pillow and blankets were long gone but Kibum lied down anyway. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes tight, unwilling to cry over Jinki again. This room had helped him through some tough times. It was his sanctuary. These four walls had witness the endless tears he shed; about his mother, about his father and about Jinki. He thanked his dad that he hadn’t destroyed this room. It was comforting to know that these walls would help him when Jinki leave again. Just like they did before. What he needed was closure, he decided. So he sat up and grabbed a pen and paper and wrote his thoughts. Everything is going to be okay, Kibum told himself. He managed to go through it before, and he could do it again. He was strong. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t cry, right?
*
It was already late noon when Kibum decided to go to Jonghyun’s place. The lights were out by the time he went out of the house and he knew that his dad already left again. He probably didn’t even notice Kibum was in the house. Not that Kibum minded. Kibum made sure he called Jonghyun before he arrived and his friend was nice enough to wait in front of his door.
“Hello, beautiful.” Jonghyun playfully shouted when he saw Kibum coming out of the elevator. The other’s face remained stoic and waved his hand in dismissal.
“Jjong, I’m not in the mood.” Kibum stopped when he was in front of the doorstep. His expression remained unreadable but Jonghyun knew there was something wrong going on.
“Aw… really? Not even to entertain me? Just kidding.” Kibum looked like he was in deep thought and he didn’t make any move to go inside when Jonghyun made way. “Are you coming in? Kibum?”
“Yeah?” Kibum shook his head quickly, as if to straighten out his thoughts. “Uh no, I’ll just be quick. I just need you to do me a favor.” Jonghyun being the ever-amazing friend quickly said yes without hesitations.
“Ok, shoot.”
“Can you give this to Jinki? If he went to my apartment… or something... I wanted to leave it on the door but I don’t want my neighbors to read it so just… can you hang around there sometimes and give it to him.” Kibum pulled out a crisp envelope from his bag and hand it to Jonghyun.
“Dude, is this like a confession letter? That’s so cheesy! Why don’t you give it to him yourself?”
“It’s not a confession letter! Or is it… I don’t know... Just…no. I don’t think I’m ready to see him again. I’ll just move back home for a couple of weeks, I don’t know. Jinki would be gone by then so we’ll just see.”
“Why are you avoiding him? Did something happen? Kibum, this letter sounds like something you should give to him personally? And what do you mean by home? Your dad’s place?? Are you crazy Kibum? You could’ve stayed here!”
“What’s with all the questions, jeez! I’ll tell you everything later, okay? Once Jinki leave town and everything goes back to normal. And yes, my dad’s place; It’s my home, Jjong. I need to be somewhere I’m familiar with. Okay? I just need this… Please just do it for me. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.” Jonghyun looked at Kibum as if he was crazy. It was obvious that he was worried about the younger. But he knew better than to argue with an… emotionally unstable Kim Kibum. So he sighed and said,
“Fine.”
*
After a refreshing shower and a cup of hot tea Jinki was ready to find Kibum. He wanted to apologize and try to talk their problems out. He didn’t want to lose Kibum. He was certain that they could work this out. They had to. But he didn’t know where to look. He tried going to Kibum’s apartment, but obviously Kibum wasn’t there. He went to the café, the beach, he even went to that godforsaken place again and still he wasn’t able to find Kibum. He remembered Kibum had this friend whom he was close with but he didn’t know where he lived and he didn’t know whom to ask and soon he was quickly becoming hopeless. He started thinking about his fantasy; the fantasy of him and Kibum together in the future. It seemed so right, so perfect, so easy. Why couldn’t it just stay like that? He wanted to find Kibum and just hold him, just hold him until both their worries disappeared. But that had to wait until he found Kibum.
He went back to Kibum’s apartment, hoping that Kibum would be back some time. It hasn’t been that long since he arrived at Kibum’s doorstep and there was a guy approaching him.
“Lee Jinki?” Jinki was taken aback with the sudden call of his name and nodded slowly. “Kim Jonghyun.” The stranger offered his hand and Jinki quickly recognized the name as the friend Kibum referred to the other night.
“You are? Do you know where Kibum is?” Jinki eagerly shook Jonghyun’s hand and the latter chuckled a bit. Jonghyun could see how genuinely worried Jinki was and he couldn’t understand why Kibum doubted this man so much, but then again Kibum had had a tough life. He might see things differently than him so he just did what he was asked to do.
“I’m actually here because Kibum wanted to give you this.” He handed the envelope to Jinki. Though confused Jinki took the envelope and studied it. “I don’t know what that is but I think it’s important. Just open it. Okay?” Jonghyun smiled and pat Jinki’s shoulder. Jinki was still in a daze looking at the envelope. He couldn’t really guess what Kibum would want to say to him in a letter, so he opened it right then and there and the letter read:
To Jinki:
I’m sorry if my truth hurts you. Thank you for coming back, now I know you didn’t forget me and I guess it’s good enough for me. Just so you know, you’ve made me very happy. I won’t blame you if you decided to leave this town for good. But can I ask you just one thing? Please don’t hate me. Just pretend that Kibum is dead. You met Key and Key is a whore. It’s okay if you think Key is disgusting, dirty, whatever. In fact, he really is all that. Just… remember the pathetic little Kibum and not this pathetic whore. And I’ll settle for your memory.
Kim Kibum Key.
Lee Jinki was devastated.
*
In fear of running into Jinki, Kibum went straight home after giving Jonghyun the letter. He didn’t even stick around to give Jonghyun a second thought to this. He arrived at his doorstep with his second biggest fear in view. The lights were dimmed but there were definitely someone there. Kibum took a deep breath before stepping in lightly. He hoped he could’ve just floated to his bedroom so he wouldn’t have to deal with what was in front of him. He had only taken a step when his father’s head snapped to his direction.
“Dad.” Kibum acknowledged. His father smirked and made his way closer to Kibum by the door. The man reeked of alcohol and sweat and it took all of Kibum’s might not to gag in disgust. His father’s gaze was intimidating to say the least. It has always made Kibum feel like he was no better than a cockroach. When Kibum snapped back to reality his father’s face was only inches away from his. He roughly took Kibum’s chin between his calloused fingers and scoffed.
“You. Living it up in the whorehouse boy?” His father’s words took him by surprised and he couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt by it. So he looked away and kept his eyelevel down in hope that his father would just let go and let him rest but it seemed to have angered him more.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you! You look so much like your mother it sickens me. You know what, you both even have the same talent, spreading your legs.” A punch flew to Kibum’s jaw without warning. He couldn’t be bothered to cry. After so many times Kibum was already numb to any abuse from his father. He had mastered the art of tuning any words coming out of his father’s mouth. He just stood there and took whatever word his father spit out. In his head he was already in bed.
*
Jinki didn’t wallow in his despair and confusion for long. He quickly remembered the only key to finding Kibum was Jonghyun so he hurried down the emergency stairs to catch up with him. He was very much relieved when he spotted the other man leaning against the wall in front of Kibum’s apartment.
“Hey! Jonghyun, right? Can you please tell me where Kibum is? I’ve looked everywhere and I don’t have any idea where he might be and I really need to find him!” Jinki spoke urgently. Jonghyun didn’t know why but the fact that this guy looked genuinely worried and desperately, dare he said, in love with Kibum brought a huge relief to his heart.
“To be honest, I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you Jinki. But… Kibum is staying at his dad’s house.”
“What?” Jinki’s expression was priceless. He couldn’t believe that Kibum would’ve even considered risking his safety just to avoid him, wasn’t that a little bit extreme and not to mention unnecessary? At least it was, according to Jinki.
“I assume by your ‘what’ you already know the nature of Kibum’s dad? It worries me so much that he’s back there again. So just, pick him up or something. He deserves a better life. And I’m pretty confident you can give him just that. So, go.” Jinki smiled sincerely as he shook Jonghyun hand frantically, eager to leave.
“Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciated this.”
“Kibum can tell me later!” Jonghyun chuckled at the way Jinki sprinted away and he couldn’t wait to hear what he hoped to be a happy story from Kibum.
*
It was almost midnight when Jinki arrived at Kibum’s house. Despite the fact that tomorrow was already Monday and he had to come back to the office, he still went straight to Kibum’s house as soon as Jonghyun finished talking.
Jinki remembered this house. This place was always so gloomy and it looked like it hadn’t change one bit. He used to sneak in here at night to meet Kibum. He wanted to knock right away but didn’t want to risk being caught by Kibum’s father. This wasn’t really the conversation he wanted Kibum’s father to hear. So he decided to do what he used to do and sneak in to the backyard and knocked on what he remembered to be Kibum’s room’s window.
Kibum was startled when he heard a faint knocks from outside his window; five quick knocks and a whistle. Kibum almost laughed. It was obvious who was knocking. Only Jinki knew their secret “code”. He felt a tiny hint of happiness blossoming in his heart but decided to stick by his decision earlier. The knocks came twice before he decided to open the window.
“Kibum.” Jinki was slightly breathless when he finally saw Kibum from the other side of the window. Kibum always had him breathless.
“How do you know I was here?” Kibum ignored the crazy beatings of his heart and put on an icy front hoping that it would deter Jinki and let him be.
“Does it matter? Is your dad home? I want to talk to you in private.”
“Can’t you just tell me now?” The beautiful man tried to sound as cold as possible, another defense method he had learned along the way. He didn’t want to let Jinki in and destroyed the wall he had so quickly built after their last conversation.
“No.” Kibum’s attempt proved to be futile when he saw the determination in Jinki’s eyes. So he sighed and gave in.
“Okay let me check.” He opened his bedroom door and poked his head out. Kibum couldn’t lie, he was hoping that his father would be home so that he could just sleep and not have this conversation with Jinki at all. Much to his disappointment it looked like his dad was out again. He came back to Jinki looking a bit disappointed but the older man wasn’t about to give up. “He’s not home. Come to the front door.” When he the door opened all the things Jinki had planned to say came to a halt when he finally saw Kibum’s face clearly.
“What happened to your face? You’re bruised!” He carefully studied the bruises and felt Kibum flinched when he tried to touch the bruises. Kibum remained nonchalant and crossed his arms defensively.
“Nothing. Just tell me what you want to tell me so this could all be done with.” Although Jinki understood that Kibum acted that way to defend himself but Jinki couldn’t help but get a little pissed off and frustrated.
“This is not nothing! I care about you so much Kibum why can’t you see that? We should-“
“We! Should just move on with our separate lives, Jinki. It would be better for the both of us. You’ve got a good thing going on in your life now and don’t jeopardize your future just for a little whore with a sap story. ” Kibum’s harsh words ignited Jinki’s anger. He couldn’t believe Kibum would think that it was that easy. That their relationship was that easy.
“Do you think that little of me Kim Kibum? This would be hard but don’t you think I wanted to try? Don’t you have a little faith in me? I know you’re doing this because you think I was hurting and the future and everything but do you really think this hurt less? Do you really think asking me to pretend you’re dead won’t hurt me? Do you really think that little of my feelings Kibum-ah?”
“No…” Jinki sighed and took a step back, looking down at his shoes with defeat.
“I thought we were both happy we were finally together again. I had thought about how wonderful the future’s going to be like with you, a house,” Jinki let out a hollow laugh, “even a child. I was thinking ‘gosh, we’d be a perfect family.’ How stupid am I, huh? Now the very person, the only person I’ve imagined to have a future with is telling me that we’re better off separated. I’m an idiot to think you wanted the same thing.”
“Jinki… I’m…”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I made you think that I wanted to let this go. I don’t want to. I left you once and I’m not going to do it again.” His hand moved inside his pocket and pulled out a silly looking neon pink plastic ring. His gaze was fixed on the ring, smiling a little.
“I bought this stupid ring 15 years ago. I was walking home from my new school and I saw this and I immediately thought ‘Kibum would love this” and I bought it. I bought it so I could bring it to you when I came back. I had imagined asking you to come with me with this ring and you’d slap me and ask ‘where’s the diamond, idiot?’ but you’d say yes anyway. After we meet again, I had actually thought about proposing as an adult this time with a real ring. Because it’s been 15 years and we, I am still in love so it’s gotta be something right.” Kibum was a sobbing mess by then. Jinki’s speech had practically sucked the strength out of him. His hands were shaking and he didn’t know how much longer he could use his legs to stand up. He finally whispered when Jinki looked at him.
“I’m not worth it.” The second Kibum finished his sentence, Jinki closed the distance between them and held his hands tight. His right hand gently brushed away Kibum’s tears.
“Yes you are. You are worth every fight. Let me be your rock, Kibum-ah. Lean on me and depend on me when you feel like giving up. It’s okay. I want to protect you. I want to make you happy. Just stay with me, okay? Have faith in me. In us.” Kibum couldn’t do anything but nod. So he did. He nodded until he felt lightheaded and Jinki’s lips came in contact with his trembling ones.
“I love you so, so much Lee Jinki.” He sincerely thanked god that Jinki had his arms around him other wise he would’ve fallen to the ground.
EPILOGUE (sort of)
That week, Jongwoon delivered a very good and exciting news for Jinki. His project came through and ready to go. Jinki cheered in joy thanked Jongwoon and did a little celebration with his boss back in the city via the telephone and ran home to Kibum. After much persuasion, Kibum agreed to quit his job in the nightlife and since he insisted that he needed to keep working he kept his job at the café so he could still pay his dad’s bills (and not his drugs debt because according to Jinki it wasn’t his responsibility and his dad should man up and earn the money himself, which deep down in Kibum’s heart he actually agreed). Kibum still had his insecurities and Jinki still had trouble with the fact that some men recognized and addressed his Kibum as "Key the stripper" but all negative thoughts went out the window when they came home and laid in bed together at night, never going to bed without a promise of waking up together.
They weren’t there yet, but they were close to their happy ending.
A/N:
How long has it been...two years? Well, I'm back (sort of). this fic is actually a repost of the one i posted in aff. yup, they're both me.
i'm still staying true to my otp so i hope you like it! and i hope to see some familiar un in the comments because really i missed you guys.
okay so enjoy and comment! every comment good or bad is very much appreciated
ily♥
The lights went out and just like the day before, a spotlight shone on Kibum. Much to Jinki’s relief, Kibum wore a little more than he had on yesterday. But it still wasn’t enough for him to be okay. The beat started to pick up and the beautiful man started moving. Second by second he started taking off his clothes. When Kibum was left in that goddamned tight low cut shirt and what look like it might as well be a girl’s panty, he strutted to the end of the stage and spread his legs in front of an old man who were waving a few fifty-dollar bills, and Jinki lost it. He pushed aside the other men around him to get closer to the stage. Jinki's eyes met with Kibum as the other stood up and made his way to another man and he desperately, desperately wished he could read what’s going on in Kibum’s mind because he wished Kibum wanted him to take him away like a big rescue of some sort but he couldn’t and Kibum was still dancing. Without any thought he took of his jacket and threw it to Kibum who was bending over for a greasy old man that was now casually slipping a few bills in Kibum’s pants. He looked honestly surprised when the jacket hit him. He froze for a second and picked up the jacket. He tried looking around the room to see Jinki but to no avail. Jinki had already left. He was woken up from his daze by a particularly loud shout from his left side. He quickly recovered by giving the man a seductive smirk and a spread of his legs. He felt physically ill.
*
Soon enough his night came to an end. Kibum thanked the stars that he had no further um- appointments tonight. He didn’t feel like going back to his apartment. He felt alone and weak. He had never felt this disgusted with himself since the very first day he started this profession. Over the years he had learned to cope with the feelings. It was just a job and it meant nothing. But somehow, the last few encounters with Jinki made him feel a thousand times worse than what he felt then. Instead of walking to his apartment, his feet took him to the one place he could find solace. He really wasn’t expecting a lone shadow sitting on his spot but he quickly recognized who it was and slowly approached him.
“What are you doing here?” He hated how weak he sounded. The man sitting in front of him smiled a bit bitterly.
“This is our place right? Whenever we feel troubled or sad we’ll come here right?” He answered without looking at Kibum. His gaze fixed at the crashing waves before him. Kibum sat down next to him quietly. Close enough that he could feel the other’s warmth but not enough to let their arms touched. They stayed quite for a couple of minutes, both busy with their own thoughts.
“How long have you been doing this job?” His voice was low and calculated as if he was afraid to hear the answer. Kibum head fell as he heard the question. He took a deep breath, as if preparing for a possible explosion of questions.
“10 years.” Jinki was…dumbfounded to say the least, at how casual Kibum sounded. Like he had just answer a question about the weather. He couldn’t believe that it had been going on for that long. He didn’t feel like filtering his thoughts tonight, so he voiced out his thoughts.
“Why did you do it Kibum? This... of all the jobs in the world.” Jinki didn’t know what to expect of Kibum’s explanation, but he guessed he just needed something to make him understand. To find a silver lining. Kibum turned to face Jinki,
“I’m guessing you want more explanation than just ‘I need the money.’ But really, I didn’t finish high school. I had no qualifications, no specific talents what do you suppose I could do? Honestly, Jinki… do you think I want to sell my body? Do you think I’m enjoying myself? No. But I had to do it, I need the money.” Kibum was getting frustrated. All the emotions pent up over the year had finally exploded. Kibum wanted Jinki to understand where he was coming from. That this hadn’t been his ideal choice of career. That none of this would’ve happened if he had any other options to choose from.
“But you can just-!”
“Just what? I wished I didn’t have to do this. I wished things were perfect. I really do. In a perfect world, Jinki, I wouldn’t have to sell myself-”
“Shut up.”
“In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to spread my legs or bend over in order to pay my father’s debt-”
“Shut up!”
“In a perfect world, my parents would still be happily married. But no, this is the reality. I’m just a pathetic whore with a fucked up life.” Kibum was honestly surprised when Jinki screamed. He had his hands gripping his hair tight and screamed. Kibum visibly flinched. He had never witness this side of Jinki and as much as it scared him it broke his heart too. He couldn’t stand seeing Jinki like this just because of him. He started muttering ‘sorry’ but Jinki didn’t stop crying. He cried so hard he thought his vocal cord will snap. When Jinki started to calm down, Kibum muster his courage and reached for Jinki’s hand. When Jinki didn’t move he held his hand tightly, a little bit surprised that Jinki was squeezing back. Jinki leaned back and lie on the sand without letting go of Kibum’s hand. His mouth was moving but Kibum couldn’t hear what he was saying and he wanted Jinki to rest so he didn’t ask. Soon Jinki became quiet and his chest began to rise and fall rhythmically. He must’ve tired himself out and fell asleep, which was good, Kibum thought.
During the rest of the night Kibum didn’t let go of Jinki’s hand, nor did he sleep. He sat there, knees to his chest and silent tears running down his face. He felt terrible. He started thinking about Jinki’s life. From his point of view Jinki had a considerably good life after he left town. He had gone through his education well and now he had a wonderful job and so much more ahead of him. And as much as he didn’t want to believe he just… didn’t fit. Because who would want someone with his history as a life partner. Who would want to introduce a stripper-slash-prostitute to his boss and colleagues, and oh god, family. It’s not like he could quit and live off of Jinki’s money. Jinki wasn’t filthy rich. And even if he was, Kibum didn’t he would want to depend on Jinki’s money to live. Plus he still had to care for his father, moneywise. So by the end of the night, he concluded that happy endings are utter bullshit.
*
When Jinki woke up later that day, he felt as if someone had punched him with a metal glove on his eyes. His throat felt dry and his bones ached. He tilted his head to his left to see Kibum’s spot empty, safe for a neatly folded jacket he recognized to be his. He closed his eyes and replayed last night’s conversation with Kibum and the only conclusion he was able to come up with was that all of it was his fault. If he didn’t left him he would be there for Kibum. If he didn’t left Kibum he could help him work in safer, much better places. If he was here he could talk Kibum out of doing this. If only he was here. If only he didn’t leave.
*
That morning Kibum went to the café he worked for and practically begged the store manager for a few weeks off (or in other words: until Lee Jinki leave.) He went back to his apartment, packed a few things and left with a heavy sigh. He walked down the familiar street of his old house and his stomach churned. He hated this place, and all the memories this place had. But this was home. This was where he grew up, where his father lived. He knew he needed the comfort of the familiarity, no matter how painful it would be.
He was about to knock when he noticed the door was slightly ajar. The door creaked open and he stepped inside. Obviously enough, the place wasn’t a palace but it was a goddamn mess. Beer cans, cigarette butts, ashes, empty pill bottles and random plastic bags were strewed around the room. It didn’t take time to recognize the slumped figure on the old dirty couch. Kibum contemplated whether or not to wake his father but he decided not to, so he went straight to his old room.
The sight that greeted him didn’t surprise him at all. It was less messy than the living room and kitchen but it seemed that his dad was looking for something. All his drawers and wardrobe were opened, its content scattered on the floor and bed. The pillow and blankets were long gone but Kibum lied down anyway. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes tight, unwilling to cry over Jinki again. This room had helped him through some tough times. It was his sanctuary. These four walls had witness the endless tears he shed; about his mother, about his father and about Jinki. He thanked his dad that he hadn’t destroyed this room. It was comforting to know that these walls would help him when Jinki leave again. Just like they did before. What he needed was closure, he decided. So he sat up and grabbed a pen and paper and wrote his thoughts. Everything is going to be okay, Kibum told himself. He managed to go through it before, and he could do it again. He was strong. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t cry, right?
*
It was already late noon when Kibum decided to go to Jonghyun’s place. The lights were out by the time he went out of the house and he knew that his dad already left again. He probably didn’t even notice Kibum was in the house. Not that Kibum minded. Kibum made sure he called Jonghyun before he arrived and his friend was nice enough to wait in front of his door.
“Hello, beautiful.” Jonghyun playfully shouted when he saw Kibum coming out of the elevator. The other’s face remained stoic and waved his hand in dismissal.
“Jjong, I’m not in the mood.” Kibum stopped when he was in front of the doorstep. His expression remained unreadable but Jonghyun knew there was something wrong going on.
“Aw… really? Not even to entertain me? Just kidding.” Kibum looked like he was in deep thought and he didn’t make any move to go inside when Jonghyun made way. “Are you coming in? Kibum?”
“Yeah?” Kibum shook his head quickly, as if to straighten out his thoughts. “Uh no, I’ll just be quick. I just need you to do me a favor.” Jonghyun being the ever-amazing friend quickly said yes without hesitations.
“Ok, shoot.”
“Can you give this to Jinki? If he went to my apartment… or something... I wanted to leave it on the door but I don’t want my neighbors to read it so just… can you hang around there sometimes and give it to him.” Kibum pulled out a crisp envelope from his bag and hand it to Jonghyun.
“Dude, is this like a confession letter? That’s so cheesy! Why don’t you give it to him yourself?”
“It’s not a confession letter! Or is it… I don’t know... Just…no. I don’t think I’m ready to see him again. I’ll just move back home for a couple of weeks, I don’t know. Jinki would be gone by then so we’ll just see.”
“Why are you avoiding him? Did something happen? Kibum, this letter sounds like something you should give to him personally? And what do you mean by home? Your dad’s place?? Are you crazy Kibum? You could’ve stayed here!”
“What’s with all the questions, jeez! I’ll tell you everything later, okay? Once Jinki leave town and everything goes back to normal. And yes, my dad’s place; It’s my home, Jjong. I need to be somewhere I’m familiar with. Okay? I just need this… Please just do it for me. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.” Jonghyun looked at Kibum as if he was crazy. It was obvious that he was worried about the younger. But he knew better than to argue with an… emotionally unstable Kim Kibum. So he sighed and said,
“Fine.”
*
After a refreshing shower and a cup of hot tea Jinki was ready to find Kibum. He wanted to apologize and try to talk their problems out. He didn’t want to lose Kibum. He was certain that they could work this out. They had to. But he didn’t know where to look. He tried going to Kibum’s apartment, but obviously Kibum wasn’t there. He went to the café, the beach, he even went to that godforsaken place again and still he wasn’t able to find Kibum. He remembered Kibum had this friend whom he was close with but he didn’t know where he lived and he didn’t know whom to ask and soon he was quickly becoming hopeless. He started thinking about his fantasy; the fantasy of him and Kibum together in the future. It seemed so right, so perfect, so easy. Why couldn’t it just stay like that? He wanted to find Kibum and just hold him, just hold him until both their worries disappeared. But that had to wait until he found Kibum.
He went back to Kibum’s apartment, hoping that Kibum would be back some time. It hasn’t been that long since he arrived at Kibum’s doorstep and there was a guy approaching him.
“Lee Jinki?” Jinki was taken aback with the sudden call of his name and nodded slowly. “Kim Jonghyun.” The stranger offered his hand and Jinki quickly recognized the name as the friend Kibum referred to the other night.
“You are? Do you know where Kibum is?” Jinki eagerly shook Jonghyun’s hand and the latter chuckled a bit. Jonghyun could see how genuinely worried Jinki was and he couldn’t understand why Kibum doubted this man so much, but then again Kibum had had a tough life. He might see things differently than him so he just did what he was asked to do.
“I’m actually here because Kibum wanted to give you this.” He handed the envelope to Jinki. Though confused Jinki took the envelope and studied it. “I don’t know what that is but I think it’s important. Just open it. Okay?” Jonghyun smiled and pat Jinki’s shoulder. Jinki was still in a daze looking at the envelope. He couldn’t really guess what Kibum would want to say to him in a letter, so he opened it right then and there and the letter read:
To Jinki:
I’m sorry if my truth hurts you. Thank you for coming back, now I know you didn’t forget me and I guess it’s good enough for me. Just so you know, you’ve made me very happy. I won’t blame you if you decided to leave this town for good. But can I ask you just one thing? Please don’t hate me. Just pretend that Kibum is dead. You met Key and Key is a whore. It’s okay if you think Key is disgusting, dirty, whatever. In fact, he really is all that. Just… remember the pathetic little Kibum and not this pathetic whore. And I’ll settle for your memory.
Kim Kibum Key.
Lee Jinki was devastated.
*
In fear of running into Jinki, Kibum went straight home after giving Jonghyun the letter. He didn’t even stick around to give Jonghyun a second thought to this. He arrived at his doorstep with his second biggest fear in view. The lights were dimmed but there were definitely someone there. Kibum took a deep breath before stepping in lightly. He hoped he could’ve just floated to his bedroom so he wouldn’t have to deal with what was in front of him. He had only taken a step when his father’s head snapped to his direction.
“Dad.” Kibum acknowledged. His father smirked and made his way closer to Kibum by the door. The man reeked of alcohol and sweat and it took all of Kibum’s might not to gag in disgust. His father’s gaze was intimidating to say the least. It has always made Kibum feel like he was no better than a cockroach. When Kibum snapped back to reality his father’s face was only inches away from his. He roughly took Kibum’s chin between his calloused fingers and scoffed.
“You. Living it up in the whorehouse boy?” His father’s words took him by surprised and he couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt by it. So he looked away and kept his eyelevel down in hope that his father would just let go and let him rest but it seemed to have angered him more.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you! You look so much like your mother it sickens me. You know what, you both even have the same talent, spreading your legs.” A punch flew to Kibum’s jaw without warning. He couldn’t be bothered to cry. After so many times Kibum was already numb to any abuse from his father. He had mastered the art of tuning any words coming out of his father’s mouth. He just stood there and took whatever word his father spit out. In his head he was already in bed.
*
Jinki didn’t wallow in his despair and confusion for long. He quickly remembered the only key to finding Kibum was Jonghyun so he hurried down the emergency stairs to catch up with him. He was very much relieved when he spotted the other man leaning against the wall in front of Kibum’s apartment.
“Hey! Jonghyun, right? Can you please tell me where Kibum is? I’ve looked everywhere and I don’t have any idea where he might be and I really need to find him!” Jinki spoke urgently. Jonghyun didn’t know why but the fact that this guy looked genuinely worried and desperately, dare he said, in love with Kibum brought a huge relief to his heart.
“To be honest, I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you Jinki. But… Kibum is staying at his dad’s house.”
“What?” Jinki’s expression was priceless. He couldn’t believe that Kibum would’ve even considered risking his safety just to avoid him, wasn’t that a little bit extreme and not to mention unnecessary? At least it was, according to Jinki.
“I assume by your ‘what’ you already know the nature of Kibum’s dad? It worries me so much that he’s back there again. So just, pick him up or something. He deserves a better life. And I’m pretty confident you can give him just that. So, go.” Jinki smiled sincerely as he shook Jonghyun hand frantically, eager to leave.
“Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciated this.”
“Kibum can tell me later!” Jonghyun chuckled at the way Jinki sprinted away and he couldn’t wait to hear what he hoped to be a happy story from Kibum.
*
It was almost midnight when Jinki arrived at Kibum’s house. Despite the fact that tomorrow was already Monday and he had to come back to the office, he still went straight to Kibum’s house as soon as Jonghyun finished talking.
Jinki remembered this house. This place was always so gloomy and it looked like it hadn’t change one bit. He used to sneak in here at night to meet Kibum. He wanted to knock right away but didn’t want to risk being caught by Kibum’s father. This wasn’t really the conversation he wanted Kibum’s father to hear. So he decided to do what he used to do and sneak in to the backyard and knocked on what he remembered to be Kibum’s room’s window.
Kibum was startled when he heard a faint knocks from outside his window; five quick knocks and a whistle. Kibum almost laughed. It was obvious who was knocking. Only Jinki knew their secret “code”. He felt a tiny hint of happiness blossoming in his heart but decided to stick by his decision earlier. The knocks came twice before he decided to open the window.
“Kibum.” Jinki was slightly breathless when he finally saw Kibum from the other side of the window. Kibum always had him breathless.
“How do you know I was here?” Kibum ignored the crazy beatings of his heart and put on an icy front hoping that it would deter Jinki and let him be.
“Does it matter? Is your dad home? I want to talk to you in private.”
“Can’t you just tell me now?” The beautiful man tried to sound as cold as possible, another defense method he had learned along the way. He didn’t want to let Jinki in and destroyed the wall he had so quickly built after their last conversation.
“No.” Kibum’s attempt proved to be futile when he saw the determination in Jinki’s eyes. So he sighed and gave in.
“Okay let me check.” He opened his bedroom door and poked his head out. Kibum couldn’t lie, he was hoping that his father would be home so that he could just sleep and not have this conversation with Jinki at all. Much to his disappointment it looked like his dad was out again. He came back to Jinki looking a bit disappointed but the older man wasn’t about to give up. “He’s not home. Come to the front door.” When he the door opened all the things Jinki had planned to say came to a halt when he finally saw Kibum’s face clearly.
“What happened to your face? You’re bruised!” He carefully studied the bruises and felt Kibum flinched when he tried to touch the bruises. Kibum remained nonchalant and crossed his arms defensively.
“Nothing. Just tell me what you want to tell me so this could all be done with.” Although Jinki understood that Kibum acted that way to defend himself but Jinki couldn’t help but get a little pissed off and frustrated.
“This is not nothing! I care about you so much Kibum why can’t you see that? We should-“
“We! Should just move on with our separate lives, Jinki. It would be better for the both of us. You’ve got a good thing going on in your life now and don’t jeopardize your future just for a little whore with a sap story. ” Kibum’s harsh words ignited Jinki’s anger. He couldn’t believe Kibum would think that it was that easy. That their relationship was that easy.
“Do you think that little of me Kim Kibum? This would be hard but don’t you think I wanted to try? Don’t you have a little faith in me? I know you’re doing this because you think I was hurting and the future and everything but do you really think this hurt less? Do you really think asking me to pretend you’re dead won’t hurt me? Do you really think that little of my feelings Kibum-ah?”
“No…” Jinki sighed and took a step back, looking down at his shoes with defeat.
“I thought we were both happy we were finally together again. I had thought about how wonderful the future’s going to be like with you, a house,” Jinki let out a hollow laugh, “even a child. I was thinking ‘gosh, we’d be a perfect family.’ How stupid am I, huh? Now the very person, the only person I’ve imagined to have a future with is telling me that we’re better off separated. I’m an idiot to think you wanted the same thing.”
“Jinki… I’m…”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I made you think that I wanted to let this go. I don’t want to. I left you once and I’m not going to do it again.” His hand moved inside his pocket and pulled out a silly looking neon pink plastic ring. His gaze was fixed on the ring, smiling a little.
“I bought this stupid ring 15 years ago. I was walking home from my new school and I saw this and I immediately thought ‘Kibum would love this” and I bought it. I bought it so I could bring it to you when I came back. I had imagined asking you to come with me with this ring and you’d slap me and ask ‘where’s the diamond, idiot?’ but you’d say yes anyway. After we meet again, I had actually thought about proposing as an adult this time with a real ring. Because it’s been 15 years and we, I am still in love so it’s gotta be something right.” Kibum was a sobbing mess by then. Jinki’s speech had practically sucked the strength out of him. His hands were shaking and he didn’t know how much longer he could use his legs to stand up. He finally whispered when Jinki looked at him.
“I’m not worth it.” The second Kibum finished his sentence, Jinki closed the distance between them and held his hands tight. His right hand gently brushed away Kibum’s tears.
“Yes you are. You are worth every fight. Let me be your rock, Kibum-ah. Lean on me and depend on me when you feel like giving up. It’s okay. I want to protect you. I want to make you happy. Just stay with me, okay? Have faith in me. In us.” Kibum couldn’t do anything but nod. So he did. He nodded until he felt lightheaded and Jinki’s lips came in contact with his trembling ones.
“I love you so, so much Lee Jinki.” He sincerely thanked god that Jinki had his arms around him other wise he would’ve fallen to the ground.
EPILOGUE (sort of)
That week, Jongwoon delivered a very good and exciting news for Jinki. His project came through and ready to go. Jinki cheered in joy thanked Jongwoon and did a little celebration with his boss back in the city via the telephone and ran home to Kibum. After much persuasion, Kibum agreed to quit his job in the nightlife and since he insisted that he needed to keep working he kept his job at the café so he could still pay his dad’s bills (and not his drugs debt because according to Jinki it wasn’t his responsibility and his dad should man up and earn the money himself, which deep down in Kibum’s heart he actually agreed). Kibum still had his insecurities and Jinki still had trouble with the fact that some men recognized and addressed his Kibum as "Key the stripper" but all negative thoughts went out the window when they came home and laid in bed together at night, never going to bed without a promise of waking up together.
They weren’t there yet, but they were close to their happy ending.
A/N:
How long has it been...two years? Well, I'm back (sort of). this fic is actually a repost of the one i posted in aff. yup, they're both me.
i'm still staying true to my otp so i hope you like it! and i hope to see some familiar un in the comments because really i missed you guys.
okay so enjoy and comment! every comment good or bad is very much appreciated
ily♥