I have weaknesses.
Because they've been on my mind lately and it's better to spit it out than keep it in.
I don't have nearly as much self-confidence as I think I manage to seem to.
I honestly don't have particularly high self esteem. I mean--well, in terms of appearance, I'm fine with how I look for myself but I really don't think anyone else will find me attractive. I'm too tall, too fat, too old-looking, too big overall....yeah. It's part of who I am, and I can't change most of it so I've kind of accepted it, but I honestly have a lot of trouble imagining anyone wanting me physically.
And in terms of relationships? Gah. I've never met a single person, ever, who had a crush on me. Well, technically I should say 'that I know of' somewhere in there. But really? I'm a quiet, emotionally hard to connect to big fat girl with completely geeky interests and high standards. This doesn't exactly SCREAM crush-worthy, does it? And even with friends....I'm still not sure why people want me around a lot of the time. It's not for conversations over anime series in common, I don't have them with most of us. Same goes for academic interests--we're all in different majors--and book interests--the only one I overlap with is Jen--and most other topics I can think of. I mean, I probably make a decent therapist. But is that it? I don't like that answer, but I can't think of many others a lot of the time, especially when I'm hanging out with a group and everyone else is talking about Reborn or LoL or TreeEskimo or Korean history or Dr. Who or American superheros or some other topic to which I can contribute absolutely nothing. Which happens a large enough chunk of the time that it makes me sad. I mean--if they wanted to include me, they'd talk about something else after a couple minutes, right? So they must just not care if I'm around or not. (That reeks of self-pity and brattiness, I know, but I don't know a better way to phrase the genuine feeling behind it--and face it, self esteem problems are bratty a lot of the time, and self-pitying almost all the time.) That might be me being oversensitive, though, because it's me that has such narrow interests, right?
So. Yeah. My self esteem has lots of weak chinks, under a nice strong shield of not caring all that much.
Another thing I would consider weak about myself falls in the area of academics.
Academically....I'm good at languages, but I'm not the best, I'm not even anywhere near the best. I'm smart, but I'm too easily distracted and lazy to be really excellent at anything, I think. I mean--computer science is coming really easily to me at the moment. (We'll see what happens with javascript, but this is really, really simple stuff so far.) So is astronomy. So is at least the reading and listening parts of Italian. The problems come when I'm asked to do something that's not easy for me, like--oh--actually speak in Italian for very long. I resist having to work at things, I don't like it, I get distracted and find excuses not to do it. And the same for when I'm asked to do something boring, even if it's a necessary kind of boring. Like readings. They have lots of good information in there, but I end up skimming for answers because I want to do something fun and mindless like watch Glee.
Laziness. I has it, and it's probably the reason my grades aren't better (not that they're bad--B range is pretty good, as far as I'm concerned--but they'd be better if I did all my readings and double checked my work and edited my essays and read directions thoroughly before answering questions).
The final thing I would consider a really major weak point for me is emotional stability.
This one is interesting because I *do* have it a good chunk of the time. Most of the time, I'm in control of the basics of my life, I'm around people who are not absolutely miserable if not always little hunks of shimmery sunshine, and things work out decently well.
The problem is, this is a pretty fragile balance for me in some ways. If I suddenly get a single big stress dumped on the balance, everything else slides with it, and I basically spiral away. And my definition of 'big stress' doesn't necessarily line up with other people's.
See, to me, a friend sending a really abrupt text, or being sad at dinner, or not responding to my attempt at conversation, or generally being stressed, can be a big stress, especially if I'm feeling them pull away a bit already. (it basically makes me feel like a fail friend and a horrible person and worry about them a ton and try and think through what might be wrong and if it's my fault and--yeah. Lots of self-blame in there.) I think some of this comes from being able to pick up on what people are feeling but not why they're feeling it. I think part of it is also just me being weak and pathetic and overly reliant on others for support.
Or if a project isn't going as well as I wanted it to. If I didn't do the Japanese paper the night ahead like I'd planned to. If we need to meet with the CS project advisor on Wednesday or Thursday and we need to contact the group and OMG I fail at life and school and planning and I need to lock myself up and work forever or I'm going to get F's in everything and oh god I can't do this. Basically the thought process goes something like that. XDDDD
This is basically a post of me whining. It is a....logical and sort of from-the-outside look at my mind when I am really upset. Meaning, if you take the thoughts from my unhappy moments and remove the emotion and let someone analyze the trends, they'd go something like this.
These are things I have trouble admitting to. I don't like to think about them. I don't like to talk about them. In fact, I like to pretend they don't exist. And they're not even my really big faults--just weaknesses, like everyone has! XDDD But I need to get better at showing weaknesses. I'm really bad at it. I don't even really show small passing negative emotions openly, because people can take advantage of them and I don't want them to do that. And I need to stop analyzing every little weakness to make sure it's safe and secure.
In short, I need to trust the people who care about me more, and stop hiding the parts of myself I don't like. I tell my friends to do this, and it would be really hypocritical not to do it myself, and this is the first step. See how I'm posting where anyone can see it? Knowing full well that only like three people I know in real life will associate me with this name, but still. Little baby steps. Here are things I don't like about myself, all served up for everyone to judge and criticize and see and poke at. Do with them what you will. I am teaching myself to show them, at least a little, at least to a couple people. End of story.
I don't have nearly as much self-confidence as I think I manage to seem to.
I honestly don't have particularly high self esteem. I mean--well, in terms of appearance, I'm fine with how I look for myself but I really don't think anyone else will find me attractive. I'm too tall, too fat, too old-looking, too big overall....yeah. It's part of who I am, and I can't change most of it so I've kind of accepted it, but I honestly have a lot of trouble imagining anyone wanting me physically.
And in terms of relationships? Gah. I've never met a single person, ever, who had a crush on me. Well, technically I should say 'that I know of' somewhere in there. But really? I'm a quiet, emotionally hard to connect to big fat girl with completely geeky interests and high standards. This doesn't exactly SCREAM crush-worthy, does it? And even with friends....I'm still not sure why people want me around a lot of the time. It's not for conversations over anime series in common, I don't have them with most of us. Same goes for academic interests--we're all in different majors--and book interests--the only one I overlap with is Jen--and most other topics I can think of. I mean, I probably make a decent therapist. But is that it? I don't like that answer, but I can't think of many others a lot of the time, especially when I'm hanging out with a group and everyone else is talking about Reborn or LoL or TreeEskimo or Korean history or Dr. Who or American superheros or some other topic to which I can contribute absolutely nothing. Which happens a large enough chunk of the time that it makes me sad. I mean--if they wanted to include me, they'd talk about something else after a couple minutes, right? So they must just not care if I'm around or not. (That reeks of self-pity and brattiness, I know, but I don't know a better way to phrase the genuine feeling behind it--and face it, self esteem problems are bratty a lot of the time, and self-pitying almost all the time.) That might be me being oversensitive, though, because it's me that has such narrow interests, right?
So. Yeah. My self esteem has lots of weak chinks, under a nice strong shield of not caring all that much.
Another thing I would consider weak about myself falls in the area of academics.
Academically....I'm good at languages, but I'm not the best, I'm not even anywhere near the best. I'm smart, but I'm too easily distracted and lazy to be really excellent at anything, I think. I mean--computer science is coming really easily to me at the moment. (We'll see what happens with javascript, but this is really, really simple stuff so far.) So is astronomy. So is at least the reading and listening parts of Italian. The problems come when I'm asked to do something that's not easy for me, like--oh--actually speak in Italian for very long. I resist having to work at things, I don't like it, I get distracted and find excuses not to do it. And the same for when I'm asked to do something boring, even if it's a necessary kind of boring. Like readings. They have lots of good information in there, but I end up skimming for answers because I want to do something fun and mindless like watch Glee.
Laziness. I has it, and it's probably the reason my grades aren't better (not that they're bad--B range is pretty good, as far as I'm concerned--but they'd be better if I did all my readings and double checked my work and edited my essays and read directions thoroughly before answering questions).
The final thing I would consider a really major weak point for me is emotional stability.
This one is interesting because I *do* have it a good chunk of the time. Most of the time, I'm in control of the basics of my life, I'm around people who are not absolutely miserable if not always little hunks of shimmery sunshine, and things work out decently well.
The problem is, this is a pretty fragile balance for me in some ways. If I suddenly get a single big stress dumped on the balance, everything else slides with it, and I basically spiral away. And my definition of 'big stress' doesn't necessarily line up with other people's.
See, to me, a friend sending a really abrupt text, or being sad at dinner, or not responding to my attempt at conversation, or generally being stressed, can be a big stress, especially if I'm feeling them pull away a bit already. (it basically makes me feel like a fail friend and a horrible person and worry about them a ton and try and think through what might be wrong and if it's my fault and--yeah. Lots of self-blame in there.) I think some of this comes from being able to pick up on what people are feeling but not why they're feeling it. I think part of it is also just me being weak and pathetic and overly reliant on others for support.
Or if a project isn't going as well as I wanted it to. If I didn't do the Japanese paper the night ahead like I'd planned to. If we need to meet with the CS project advisor on Wednesday or Thursday and we need to contact the group and OMG I fail at life and school and planning and I need to lock myself up and work forever or I'm going to get F's in everything and oh god I can't do this. Basically the thought process goes something like that. XDDDD
This is basically a post of me whining. It is a....logical and sort of from-the-outside look at my mind when I am really upset. Meaning, if you take the thoughts from my unhappy moments and remove the emotion and let someone analyze the trends, they'd go something like this.
These are things I have trouble admitting to. I don't like to think about them. I don't like to talk about them. In fact, I like to pretend they don't exist. And they're not even my really big faults--just weaknesses, like everyone has! XDDD But I need to get better at showing weaknesses. I'm really bad at it. I don't even really show small passing negative emotions openly, because people can take advantage of them and I don't want them to do that. And I need to stop analyzing every little weakness to make sure it's safe and secure.
In short, I need to trust the people who care about me more, and stop hiding the parts of myself I don't like. I tell my friends to do this, and it would be really hypocritical not to do it myself, and this is the first step. See how I'm posting where anyone can see it? Knowing full well that only like three people I know in real life will associate me with this name, but still. Little baby steps. Here are things I don't like about myself, all served up for everyone to judge and criticize and see and poke at. Do with them what you will. I am teaching myself to show them, at least a little, at least to a couple people. End of story.