Working through my own issues
Agh. Where does this even come from? XD No, that's a stupid question. I'm pretty sure it comes from being a bit of a reject throughout elementary school. And then the overweight, overtall one in middle school. And then the overquiet nerdy one in high school. And then, throughout all this, living in an area where people don't do physical fights--they spread rumors, talk behind your back, judge quietly and then simply let that opinion show when they interact with you--don't eat the brownie because that gross person brought them, don't work together on the project because why would you want to spend time with her, team up on her playing foursquare in recess because you're all friends and she's not part of the group. Don't talk with her unless she talks with you. Don't be partners in gym class. There are so, so many ways you can show someone they're not wanted and not liked without ever even saying a single insult. And, of course, if you never say anything and never show physical violence...no adult will ever get involved, and you'll never get in trouble. And.....agh. That kind of quiet, everyday interaction that just always, always, always frames you as the lesser, the not-included, the one-no-one-wants-to-work-with-really, the gross one, the weird one.....it....hurts. Still. And this is years and years later, ranging from 2 to 14 years later. It's a good thing I had Molly throughout this, because honestly, she was all that held me stable and coping for a good chunk of it. And it's a good thing I had a reasonably solid home base and knew my parents cared and thought well of me, most of the time--that meant that the--is it bullying? I can't even tell--didn't actually make me feel as worthless as people treated me like I was. But for so, so long....it hurts, when everyone--doesn't even hate you, but sees you as....not even worth showing emotion towards, just a bother and the reject and kind of gross and--agh. I guess it would've been surprising if I'd come off of that with absolutely no influence. I'm good at disassociating, but not that good.
Well, the current result is, I'm closed off as heck. I don't open up to people--after all, if I never open up and try to get close in the first place, they can't reject me, right? They can't judge me and decide I'm fat and gross and boring and weird and too nerdy and awkward to even try and talk to. (That's what hurt the most, I think--when people would let me hang out around them, but never quite include me, never invite me over, never work together on a project. When people were outright mean or clear with their rejection from the start, I could just assume they were jerks. But when people let me close but not quite in.....that hurt. Even the people that weren't jerks and didn't reject me on principle didn't see something worth sharing jokes with, or doing projects with, or playing games with. Acceptable to have hovering around, but never as an actual part of the group. Kids can be mean, it seems, even when they're not trying.) I do fine with distant, polite conversation--boring crap that it is--but when it comes to actual personal exposure.....no. I can't help but imagine what they're thinking, what's running through their head, what judgement they're making this time.....and all the people that have judged me that quickly have ended up bad. With very few exceptions (and thank the gods my empathy let me find them, because I've needed them). It's to the extent where I resent there being other people at the park, or someone trying to come with me when I decided I wanted to go alone, or having someone come home when I'm wanting alone time--I feel judged just by people being present, and even if I'm not talking to them or not in the room with them, it puts me on edge.
Aynsley tells me this imagining of their reaction is called thought-leaping. She says it's not accurate, because it involves reading minds--and she's right, I don't have that particular talent. (I can tell when someone recoils inwardly, or feels dismissive, or whatever. But I can't tell what's making them feel that way.) I do assume and guess based off of only partial information. That's what this process is. And she's right, there's no way a process with that much guesswork could be logical. (I don't know that being illogical gives it any less power, but. We'll work on that.)
And at this point, I feel like I've hit a crossroad. Partly inspired by my huge lack of success in the realm of man-creatures. XD I know I'm more attracted to them than women, but I have had so few attractions period that...well, me and dating haven't mixed well. And I don't like that. I want to date and be seen as attractive and see others as attractive. And the thing is, when I've felt really safe--camp, most notably--I DID have that happen. I felt like someone worth knowing, someone worth talking to, someone with ability and appeal. And I developed the biggest crush of my life thus far. (Only real crush, really. >.>) And then in Japan, where I felt reasonably safe before switching host families, at least....I didn't develop any crushes, but there were a couple of attractive guys. Who, btw, stopped being so interesting once I'd lost my home base and felt alone, unwanted, burdensome, lonely, and basically like shit. So....I think this social anxiety stuff is probably tied in with my attraction issues. (Namely, the lack of it.) The times I've relaxed enough to actually see people, I see attractive people. The times I really look to see if there are attractive people in a place, I can usually find one or two. But most of the time, I'm too stressed and worried about making a fool of myself or upsetting people or driving people away; I don't have time or energy to think about whether someone is attractive, I'm too busy making sure they don't hate me on sight! (Which, as much as we can't control others' minds....I can do, to some extent. I can make sure I'm dressed nicely. I can make sure I'm talking nicely and not saying anything politically incorrect or too much at odds with the opinions and thoughts being expressed. I can alter body language to match how everyone else is acting. I can make it less *likely* for people to judge me as weird and different on sight. Course, honestly, I'm not sure that this actually makes people see me as less weird. I might just come off as strange chameleon of awkwardness and cold non-communication. >.< Who knows?)
So. If I want to 1) get to know people more easily, 2) maybe find a date, and 3) learn not to be so on-edge when out in public...I will need to deal with this anxiety and learn to open up. The idea of this isn't so daunting. The application of the idea is, though.
So...I asked my tarot cards about it. My cards have been really, really clear and communicative lately. I've gotten clear, applicable answers for all my questions, and they don't always resemble my own opinions and wishes, but they do always make sense. They have the feel of connection to another presence, a higher power--true readings, I think. It helps that I've been able to light a candle or some incense and spread out and be in a calm, meditative space for them. And...well, in this case, I'm not so sure I like their answer, but I do trust it.
Basically, I need to give up control (reversed emperor). The control is a stranglehold, not a guiding presence. I need to open up and show my warmth and caring (empress). I need to face the demons of my past and accept them (judgement). And all this has the nuance of security and prosperity to it (10 of pentacles). ....Obviously a strong message, I think. XD 3 major arcana out of four? And that's with an extremely thorough shuffling before. And all of them pointing to the same direction: get over it, be yourself, let it go. And it leads to good.
I'm not too proud to admit that this scares the shit out of me.
I can, on an intellectual level, see myself walking up to someone and going 'Hey! Nice to meet you! I'm Kristin, I'm a Japanese major. Oh, yeah, I'm really enjoying it. How did I get into it? Well, back at the beginning of middle school, I got really into anime--Japanese cartoons, yeah, they're a lot of fun--and...well, things progressed. I kept watching shows, finding new ones--I started learning about cultural nuances and started reading to find more about that--pretty soon I was trying to teach myself the language, and reading through summaries of Japanese history--you know how it goes. Yeah, it's really fascinating, I think.' On an intellectual level, this sounds like the kind of person I'd want to know (which is good considering I can't exactly drop this person and never see her again). It shouldn't be so scary, right?
On a practical level, though....the idea of actually revealing this much information to a stranger is frightening. They'll think watching cartoons is childish. They'll think I'm an otaku, or obsessive, or whatever most of America calls it these days, and...well, honestly, the anime-fan population doesn't have a great rep among the general public. They'll think I'm naive and a nitwit for choosing such an impractical field of study. They'll reject me offhand, without getting to know me or learning how competent I am or anything. I'll go back to that place where all but a few people don't want to be reminded that I exist. I couldn't handle that, I think--Wellesley isn't like that, so much, and I need that sense of belonging. Even if I'm still anxious at Wellesley--it's less than real-world anxious, but it's still there.
But...in most of the world, being distant and cold won't actually help me. That's pretty clear. If I want to build relationships--and I do--it's pretty clear that I NEED to give up that control and loosen up. I need to remember that people grow up. They can deal with my having some quirks--this isn't middle school anymore. Right? (Oh god I hope that's right, because if it's not, I can't do this.)
So I'm starting. See? I'm looking at my past here. Talking about it. Examining it. I can't accept it just yet, because honestly, most of the emotional stuff behind it is still buried too deep to be involved in the conversation. I've just been....ignoring this stuff, because it's not even a punch, it could easily be dismissed as me being silly and paranoid (teachers did dismiss it as that, but I know it wasn't--most kids aren't ALWAYS the last one left without a partner, and most kids aren't avoided by their classmates all the time, and most kids have more than one friend...and that was all before I learned to close off so much), and it just doesn't sound like that big a deal, to say that other kids ignored me. It's hard to take it seriously (for me and for others, I think). But....it did affect me, and it still is, and that means I need to dredge it up and think about it and figure out how I feel about it. So....that's what I'm doing
Well, the current result is, I'm closed off as heck. I don't open up to people--after all, if I never open up and try to get close in the first place, they can't reject me, right? They can't judge me and decide I'm fat and gross and boring and weird and too nerdy and awkward to even try and talk to. (That's what hurt the most, I think--when people would let me hang out around them, but never quite include me, never invite me over, never work together on a project. When people were outright mean or clear with their rejection from the start, I could just assume they were jerks. But when people let me close but not quite in.....that hurt. Even the people that weren't jerks and didn't reject me on principle didn't see something worth sharing jokes with, or doing projects with, or playing games with. Acceptable to have hovering around, but never as an actual part of the group. Kids can be mean, it seems, even when they're not trying.) I do fine with distant, polite conversation--boring crap that it is--but when it comes to actual personal exposure.....no. I can't help but imagine what they're thinking, what's running through their head, what judgement they're making this time.....and all the people that have judged me that quickly have ended up bad. With very few exceptions (and thank the gods my empathy let me find them, because I've needed them). It's to the extent where I resent there being other people at the park, or someone trying to come with me when I decided I wanted to go alone, or having someone come home when I'm wanting alone time--I feel judged just by people being present, and even if I'm not talking to them or not in the room with them, it puts me on edge.
Aynsley tells me this imagining of their reaction is called thought-leaping. She says it's not accurate, because it involves reading minds--and she's right, I don't have that particular talent. (I can tell when someone recoils inwardly, or feels dismissive, or whatever. But I can't tell what's making them feel that way.) I do assume and guess based off of only partial information. That's what this process is. And she's right, there's no way a process with that much guesswork could be logical. (I don't know that being illogical gives it any less power, but. We'll work on that.)
And at this point, I feel like I've hit a crossroad. Partly inspired by my huge lack of success in the realm of man-creatures. XD I know I'm more attracted to them than women, but I have had so few attractions period that...well, me and dating haven't mixed well. And I don't like that. I want to date and be seen as attractive and see others as attractive. And the thing is, when I've felt really safe--camp, most notably--I DID have that happen. I felt like someone worth knowing, someone worth talking to, someone with ability and appeal. And I developed the biggest crush of my life thus far. (Only real crush, really. >.>) And then in Japan, where I felt reasonably safe before switching host families, at least....I didn't develop any crushes, but there were a couple of attractive guys. Who, btw, stopped being so interesting once I'd lost my home base and felt alone, unwanted, burdensome, lonely, and basically like shit. So....I think this social anxiety stuff is probably tied in with my attraction issues. (Namely, the lack of it.) The times I've relaxed enough to actually see people, I see attractive people. The times I really look to see if there are attractive people in a place, I can usually find one or two. But most of the time, I'm too stressed and worried about making a fool of myself or upsetting people or driving people away; I don't have time or energy to think about whether someone is attractive, I'm too busy making sure they don't hate me on sight! (Which, as much as we can't control others' minds....I can do, to some extent. I can make sure I'm dressed nicely. I can make sure I'm talking nicely and not saying anything politically incorrect or too much at odds with the opinions and thoughts being expressed. I can alter body language to match how everyone else is acting. I can make it less *likely* for people to judge me as weird and different on sight. Course, honestly, I'm not sure that this actually makes people see me as less weird. I might just come off as strange chameleon of awkwardness and cold non-communication. >.< Who knows?)
So. If I want to 1) get to know people more easily, 2) maybe find a date, and 3) learn not to be so on-edge when out in public...I will need to deal with this anxiety and learn to open up. The idea of this isn't so daunting. The application of the idea is, though.
So...I asked my tarot cards about it. My cards have been really, really clear and communicative lately. I've gotten clear, applicable answers for all my questions, and they don't always resemble my own opinions and wishes, but they do always make sense. They have the feel of connection to another presence, a higher power--true readings, I think. It helps that I've been able to light a candle or some incense and spread out and be in a calm, meditative space for them. And...well, in this case, I'm not so sure I like their answer, but I do trust it.
Basically, I need to give up control (reversed emperor). The control is a stranglehold, not a guiding presence. I need to open up and show my warmth and caring (empress). I need to face the demons of my past and accept them (judgement). And all this has the nuance of security and prosperity to it (10 of pentacles). ....Obviously a strong message, I think. XD 3 major arcana out of four? And that's with an extremely thorough shuffling before. And all of them pointing to the same direction: get over it, be yourself, let it go. And it leads to good.
I'm not too proud to admit that this scares the shit out of me.
I can, on an intellectual level, see myself walking up to someone and going 'Hey! Nice to meet you! I'm Kristin, I'm a Japanese major. Oh, yeah, I'm really enjoying it. How did I get into it? Well, back at the beginning of middle school, I got really into anime--Japanese cartoons, yeah, they're a lot of fun--and...well, things progressed. I kept watching shows, finding new ones--I started learning about cultural nuances and started reading to find more about that--pretty soon I was trying to teach myself the language, and reading through summaries of Japanese history--you know how it goes. Yeah, it's really fascinating, I think.' On an intellectual level, this sounds like the kind of person I'd want to know (which is good considering I can't exactly drop this person and never see her again). It shouldn't be so scary, right?
On a practical level, though....the idea of actually revealing this much information to a stranger is frightening. They'll think watching cartoons is childish. They'll think I'm an otaku, or obsessive, or whatever most of America calls it these days, and...well, honestly, the anime-fan population doesn't have a great rep among the general public. They'll think I'm naive and a nitwit for choosing such an impractical field of study. They'll reject me offhand, without getting to know me or learning how competent I am or anything. I'll go back to that place where all but a few people don't want to be reminded that I exist. I couldn't handle that, I think--Wellesley isn't like that, so much, and I need that sense of belonging. Even if I'm still anxious at Wellesley--it's less than real-world anxious, but it's still there.
But...in most of the world, being distant and cold won't actually help me. That's pretty clear. If I want to build relationships--and I do--it's pretty clear that I NEED to give up that control and loosen up. I need to remember that people grow up. They can deal with my having some quirks--this isn't middle school anymore. Right? (Oh god I hope that's right, because if it's not, I can't do this.)
So I'm starting. See? I'm looking at my past here. Talking about it. Examining it. I can't accept it just yet, because honestly, most of the emotional stuff behind it is still buried too deep to be involved in the conversation. I've just been....ignoring this stuff, because it's not even a punch, it could easily be dismissed as me being silly and paranoid (teachers did dismiss it as that, but I know it wasn't--most kids aren't ALWAYS the last one left without a partner, and most kids aren't avoided by their classmates all the time, and most kids have more than one friend...and that was all before I learned to close off so much), and it just doesn't sound like that big a deal, to say that other kids ignored me. It's hard to take it seriously (for me and for others, I think). But....it did affect me, and it still is, and that means I need to dredge it up and think about it and figure out how I feel about it. So....that's what I'm doing