Comments | risesatan: First Attempt

risesatan

First Attempt

Oct 12, 2005 22:18

This is my first draft for the first poem that I have to turn in to my TCXG 373 (Introduction To Writing Poetry) class this quarter at University Of Washington Tacoma (U.W.T.). So I know that it is not all that great but I did tell you all, My Devoted Disciples that I would post the products of this class here on my Live Journal for all to read ( Read more... )

Comments 5

waltzie October 12 2005, 22:38:40 UTC

Do you want honest criticism? ; )

Oh man.... risesatan October 12 2005, 23:31:08 UTC

I know I am going to kick myself for this one but sure go for it. Remember, that I will be posting my explanation come the marro.

But yeah give it to me honest.

Later
Satan

Re: Oh man.... waltzie October 13 2005, 12:06:26 UTC

Honestly, you sort of lost me after Laudanum (which I had to look up ;) ) I agree with Kittie about the bag of teeth being unfinished. It's like you hint at a greater meaning and then take it away from us. Part of me is like OOOH MYSTERY but the part that's been in writing classes all this year is like, WHAT THE F.

I like the pliers connection to the bag of teeth a lot. A voice of velvet and gravel is a great image. The stuff about smoke and mirrors (smoke on the wind) sounds nice, but I just wasn't really feeling it, or extrapolating any intended meaning from those words.

When you give one word its own line, it had better be a very important word. Are Name and Is as important and Her and Laudanum?

To be fair, the first stanza is excellent, and very You, if that means anything to you. You have some great lines and wonderful ideas. Keep playing! Poems are never really done.

Tough love. <3

Re: Oh man.... waltzie October 13 2005, 12:06:57 UTC

Yeah ok, that was me.

prettie_kittie October 13 2005, 10:44:15 UTC

just two bitty suggestions...

"with a bag of teeth from her" sounds unfinished. i think another image would be at home there.

"smoke and mirrors the truth found is" also sounds unfinished. either pad out the truth bit, or find another image to parallel truth.

but all in all, this poem is well on its way. especially for a short poem - those are harder to do.

love kittie