Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius the Emphatic...
yesterday I had a long talk with Matt at night. it was a little upsetting but the way he looked at me with such truth in his eyes kind of made me feel better. Words weren't needed, although there were words, and they were good ones.
The thing with Matt is that he doesn't lie. If I ask him things, he tells me the truth, which is such an unbelievable change I can hardly bear it. Truth isn't something I am used to, and it isn't something I know what to do with. I'm pretty honest... not to myself, but definitely to other people, especially my friends. Yesterday I hung out with Matt all day, mostly with Julie because we had to put together baskets for families we are sponsoring for Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be an Us Sunday but it wasn't because I had stuff to do. Maybe another Sunday.
I've never felt like this, this desire to be with someone all the time. I find it motivates me, because if I get my work done, I can go be with Matt. If I bring a book along while he's working, I can read and watch him type and it makes me day a little brighter. Anyway so, I made a realization last night after speaking with him for a while - I think that I trust Matt, utterly. I don't even know what that's like, trusting someone like that. In the past 7 weeks, I have never for a single moment felt that he had any desire to hurt me or yell at me, tell me to go away, not want to see me. I'm afraid that it will be too much, that he will grow sick of me soon, but for now I am glad that he wants to spend his spare time with me. He doesn't have much of it - between classes, work, and schoolwork, we have a few hours a day, but in those hours we laugh and talk and nurture, and I feel like a grown up in a real relationship.
I have fears, of course, I'd be an idiot not to. I fear that in the end, he will not be all he seems, or more likely, that in the end he will realize that I am not all I seem. But for now, I am grasping to the joy that surrounds us and lifts us, and I am caught up in the joy and pray it will not cease anytime soon.
On another note, I think Julie and I are becoming really good friends. I definitely consider her one of my best friends, definitely, and I am glad I have two people in Annapolis and a few in Baltimore that are worth visiting. Maybe I really WILL take a trip down here over winter break. As long as someone has a room for me to sleep, I will come and visit the three or four people who are dear to me, both in the Annapolis area, and in the area of Baltimore.
I write a lot but never really say anything, so thanks for wasting your time with me. LJ is my saving grace, it's where I can be as cliche as I want and people can just scroll down if it gets to be a burden.
xox