River has a long talk with Inara (forsakendeviant)
[Begins ( here) Taken to AIM for RP ]
River had a bucket of soapy water and a rag in her hand, she'd been cleaning up the blood trail. Of course she knew she'd end up visiting Inara, she was okay with that now. Still had questions about how the girl had gotten onto Serenity, but she knew it wasn't really the companion's fault. Gently she tapped on the door and called out "Its River..."
Inara didn't move from where she lay, she considered flipping her mirror so River wouldn't ask but that would involve getting up.......... "Come in sweet heart" she called back "Pleanty of room for another"
River stepped inside, closing the door behind her and putting the bucket down beside the couch before she went to Inara, sitting on the edge of the bed. "She set you up, you know." softly
"I guessed that" she said softly turning the ring absently on her finger. "Doesn't matter, no real harm done to me" she said "Only the rest of you........... are you all going to be ok?" she asked.patting the bed motioning for river to lie down as well
"Lots of harm, 'Nara." she stretches out on the bed beside the companion, watching her play with the ring. "We'll be okay, everyone'll heal, even Kaylee can be fixed if she wants... Different with you, though."
She looked at River rather than her ring "I'm Fine River," she said motioning to herself "Alive and well" she absently reached out to stroke River's cheek, remembering Miranda's words about the comfort that could be felt with a simple touch of the girl.
"But." taking Inara's hand gently "You don't want to be. She played on what was already there, made you think nobody cared, nobody would miss you. Played on your fears so that you would be willing." a sigh "She's me, you know. Genetic engineering, basically a clone of me, they tried to train all the humanity out of her but still... She really thought she was giving you what you wanted, even if she had to con you into it... hurting the rest of us with it, that was just icing." River didn't know if she was defending the girl or trying to comfort Inara. Both, maybe.
"River........" time to make a confession "I've known, deep down, that I wanted to die for years now" she said softly. She smiled weakly "And Miranda, she's a sweet girl.......deep down" she said "Like her mother then" a tear escaped inara's eyes with out intending it to, so quick move forward "Will Simon be able to help Kaylee?"
She wraps her arms around Inara, hugging her. "Infertility drugs are usually reversible, and Kay... she doesn't even know if she wanted babies to begin with. If she decides she wants it, he'll find the way for her. Knowing him, he'll research it anyway, just so he's ready in case that happens."
Inara smiled "I'm glad" she said softly. "How do you feel about it? Being a mother?" she asked "Mal going to.... you know..... accept her? Try to make her sweet all the time rather than some of the time?"
"Its... strange." she shrugged slightly "Still adjusting to it and... Miranda thinks of the Operative as her Father... he helps her." a swallow "And he's coming soon."
Inara scowled "The operative is coming here?" she asked "Wait....." she said softly "Father? No you have to convince Miranda to stay, convince Mal to be her Dad, he'll be a good Dad" she said "And you'd make a sweet family" she said softly. There was something in her eyes that was distant cold, "You'll all adjust fine....... and you'll all be well" again the way she was speaking made it sound like she considered it a case of them, and her.
"We." softly, simply. "There's no family if you leave us, Inara... Just a group of people who are close."
"River....." she sighed "I'm not part of the family, not really, and it's my fault, I've kept you all at arms length, but I'm ok about that......." she smiled weakly "I was leaving anyway remember?"
"This is home." harsh, River has her grumpyface on. "You think I could teach a child, I could help her come out from under what they did to her? Me? I know nothing about children, I barely was one even when I was one. She cares for you, Inara. We all do." gentler again, something lonely in her voice. Maybe she was thinking about how sure she was that Mal was in love with Inara... maybe how much Miranda needed someone who knew how to be tender and gentle with a child. Maybe something else altogether.
She leant closer to River and kissed the end of her nose, she knew better than continue argueing with River. So She decided to end it, "I do love you River. But I don't know about Children, I'm never going to have them........."
River looked at the ring, then at Inara, not saying what they both knew.
Inara looked at River, the way she was looking at the ring, so she slipped it off, going to get up to put it away.
River said quietly as Inara walked away "Just because you can't have another of your own doesn't mean you couldn't care for another child. Losing Him didn't keep you from caring for other men, why...?"
Inara tensed with out looking back at her she asked "Have I loved other Men? I've been with other men........I've not been with any one I love" she said "I've kept the only one away..." she bit her lip "Children are easier to love" she sighed "How long have you known?" she asked. "About.........me?"
"Its been on your mind a lot lately." no idea why, though, she knew nothing about Jayne.
She put the ring into the box, as she did she glanced at the new scar on her hand. "Sorry if I've been In your head with it........."
River shrugged "Sometimes it can't be helped. I try not to Read any of the crew, isn't polite. Some slips through though." sitting up on the bed "Why are you so afraid?"
"Afraid?" she glanced back at River "What makes you think I'm afraid?"
"Nervous, jumpy, worried, shifty... You try to avoid being alone with anyone unless its in here."
She smiled and walked back over to River "It's nothing, Just, with the leaving and the recent lose, I, I'm just worried about you all"
"You don't have to say if you don't want, can tell me not to meddle... but don't lie."
It hadn't been a full lie, but she figured it wasn't the best arguement to use. "River, Have I ever been worried about being alone with you? ever?" she asked "I trust you with...... I'd trust you with my very soul........." she told her.
"Not me, Not Mal, Not Simon or Kaylee..." by her tone it was obvious that she was only guessing, didn't even know she was close to realizing what was really wrong.
"River Stop, please. Nothing good can come of this......... just....... stop" she said taking her hand. "Please, I love you and I'm asking you to STOP" she said firmly. "I love you, probably more than Mal........ so please.......... for once stop thinking"
She said a slight hint of panic to her voice.
River blinked, looked a bit dazed and shook her head. "Inara..." swallowing "But... you'll leave us... if I can't help you, find a way to get you to want to be here... you'll go..." tears.
"River......" she let out a long sigh before saying "If, if you really want, need me to stay......I will" she said softly. "But It'll be only for you......."
River didn't seem any happier with that option than she did at the thought of Inara leaving altogether. "But..."
"But?" she asked looking at her
River paused, struggling with her own need to keep Mal for herself, and knowing that Inara needed him as well. Would speaking risk one of them not getting what they wanted, one who might be herself? "Why only... for me?"
She smiled "I love you, and, it's, it's........ I feel safe and home with you River. Like maybe life isn't so bad. I love Mal but it's different, it's a love that scares me. But you...... it's closer than friend or lover, or even sister." she touched the girls cheek. "I just fear I'll bring pain upon you............" again not specifiying what pain
"Everyone here has been hurt because of me." a slight smile "Maybe its justice if I get hurt too." then the smile grew and she said "If he lets Miranda stay, you know she'll look after you. Nobody will ever hurt you as long as she's here to protect you."
"One of your main problems with her staying is probably going to be Simon and Jayne" she offered.
"She can handle Jayne." not a moment's hesitation "Took him down like he was nothing, strung him up and carved his sins into him for everyone to see." pride, there. Is that strange? "Simon... when he realizes she's family, he'll get over it." she was pretty sure of that, anyway. Almost certain.
Despite herself Inara was pleased to hear about Jayne, for River to be casual meant he'd be ok, so she could enjoy him being hurt. "You sure?" she asked. She paused "Ok, fine, I'll stay, but I need to keep my secrets........ "
"Even the ones I know aren't mine to tell, Inara."
"I don't want you to breath a word" she said softly. "And, don't worry about me getting in the way with you and mal...... I won't......... I swear"
"I won't." then, biting her lip "Can't. Not our choice to make, its his." meaning if he made up his mind to be with Inara, River would step aside.
She shook her head "It is my choice" she said softly. "He's yours........ he doesn't want me, he wants you......... he needs you........ needs, needs someone who doesn't have the sort of issues I do" she said "Sides, your the better girl. A weapon is better than a whore isn't it" she said, it wasn't a question it was a statement. "Sides, if he were to want children....... you'd be a better choice"
"Wrong." her jaw clenching. "You're not a whore, Inara. Calls you that to irritate you, make you prove you're more, make you be the Lady you are inside..." then "If I wanted, Simon could probably reverse the procedure, but female Operatives are sterilized so there's no chance of losing them for a gestation period."
"I am a whore River, just dressed pretty......" she shrugged "So you're a step ahead of me" she said "I can't have children, it's not possible in any form"
"No." she'd never agree or consider Inara as a whore. "Never."
"River I don't want to argue about it" she said, despite locking memories up, trying to block her mind off snippets of memory might leak through.
"Ya just a whore, who ain't all she could be....... maybe you ain't worth the sheath, be a waste"
And the mirror shattering as she hit it.
River's hands were in her lap, Inara couldn't see that her nails were digging into her palms, drawing blood. River's expression stayed blank as she looked at the Companion. "Never." a whisper
Inara looked at River "Tell me what the difference is........... I get paid to have sex........." she said as she sat down at her dresser again. "I'm weak River...... thats all there is too it"
"You don't have to live that life anymore, Inara." a whisper "You can stay with us, help with Miranda if she stays, find another way to be part of the crew." a slight smile "Learn to cook, maybe. Make protein paste taste like real food."
"Not possible" she smiled "It'll always be...... protein paste" she sighed "'sides I make good money, pays the rent.... and keeps me in the pretty dresses"
"You don't have to, though. Not if you don't want to. Don't owe anybody anything, only yourself." understanding, now, why Inara wanted to leave, but not being allowed to talk about it... difficult.
"I need to be able to pay rent on the shuttle" she said "Can.... can we please stop talking about it now?" she asked. "I, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, in no time I'll be back to normal"
"She'll keep you busy." smiling again
"Miranda?" she asked "If shes allowed to stay" she smiled "I hope she does......"
"I'll talk to Mal." and the Operative, when he came. The ship was getting crowded these days.
"Is mal expecting you back tonight?" she asked
Shrug "Hadn't asked." If she didn't come, and he wanted, he'd look for her.
"Want to stay here?" she asked
"Need to clean up first." remembering the bucket she'd brought "But until dinnertime." she curled up beside Inara, stroking her hair. "If you want."
She smiled "Want you to stay" she said softly. she closed her eyes for a moment, she wanted to ask a question but she didn't want to see Rivers face, she wanted to keep hers an emotionless mask "What was Jayne's sin?"
"Jealousy. Jealous of Mal."
"huh" Inara said softly, pondering that, "Should be too"
"Guess so."
She opened an eye to look at River "He has you, more than Jayne does, he's better looking, a captain, has more-" stop she shouldn't know that
"More everything, I know. Me, you, Kaylee... Everyone loves him, Jayne's just the puppy, a plaything." and River realized then, that this was her fault too... That she'd never allowed him off the leash to play, so he'd gone after Inara instead.
Inara smiled looking at River "Mals...........just more of a man" she said, wanting to see the look in Rivers eyes talking about Mal.
"Yes. He worries, blames himself, tries to be aloof." a smile "Because he wants so much he tells himself he can't have." Meaning things in general, not herself "So used to denying he doesn't know how to let himself have what he wants."
"Wants you"
Shrug "And you."
She shook her head "No River you" she rested her forehead against Rivers.
River wasn't going to argue what she knew. He might sleep with her, might not be able to refuse or resist her, but his thoughts were often on Inara. Of course it would never occur to the Reader to think that he might be deliberately hiding himself behind the other woman. Instead, she snuggled close.
"Sorry I lied to you" she murmered softly
"We all have secrets."
"I meant about not being with Mal because........ because of the openess thing...... its' not true, just an excuse"
"Oh." curious
"I just, I......." she sighed "It's, just not meant to be, I'm sorry"
"Why?"
"Why? Why I lied? Or why it's not meant to be?"
"Yes."
"Mal's meant to be with you..........not me, I wouldn't be good for him....... we've been through that......... and I can't face the matchmaking"
"Why?"
"River........." she sighed "We've been through this.......... you and mal good........ mal and whore bad"
"Bah." and that's all she was going to say, since they both didn't actually want to be having this conversation.
Inara smiled "Good girl" she said giving River a soft kiss
"Can I ask something else? Maybe related?"
She considered a moment "Hmm ok." she said
"Why did you retreat from us? Become distant, when everyone was close?"
She bit her lip considering her answer carefully. "I, I didn't want to....... I, I didn't feel, don't feel I have a right to be happy, when he's gone......... when they're gone"
"How long will you punish yourself?"
"Until I'm with them?"
"Did you ever go back?"
"Back? Back where?"
"To see..."
"The graves?" she asked
"Yes. And to say goodbye."
She shook her head "No, after the operation I was shipped off to the training house, I missed the funerals......went through the training........ and when people started to note Who I am, I decided to leave, joined serenity....... just, keep my distance....."
That made her curious, she'd never known Inara was someone that should be recognized outside of the Companion world. "Really?"
She bit her lip, she was spilling might as well spill some more "My-" long time since she'd used this word "-Husband was an independant, he was given the job of delivering a message to the lines, and never made it, he was quiet well known for it........despite getting killed his message got through and helped in the battle.....or so I was told,"
"Bad on mainstream Alliance worlds, then." good for the Browncoats, good for someone like Mal and, if he'd known, maybe a reason she'd be welcome on his ship.
She nodded "I think it was one of the reasons his family wanted me out of the way....... I'd allowed him to go off to war....... to die in Du Khang,"
"Most Volunteers wives weren't given a choice, they were just expected to be waiting when the men came home." gently "If the family blamed you for that, its because they disagreed with his decision and couldn't punish him for it."
"I should have tried to make him stay...... he was going to be a father he shouldn't have gone......." she sighed "And because I didn't make him stay I lost them their son and grandson." Change of subject "Mal fought at Du Khang......."
"Maybe they met there..." that was a thought
"Could you imagen?" she actually smiled "He'd have made some comment about being a married man, and Mal would have made some joke, and Bos he'd have mad some comment about me being fat and pregnant" she smiled "And I was, I put on so much weight-" it had been too long since she'd remembered happy times "-I couldn't see my feet, I was starting to doubt I had them!"
River giggled, putting a hand on Inara's belly as she imagined it fat. "Don't believe that."
"Honest" she smiled "Bos used to joke that the baby was going to be an elephant........ said looked like one" she sighed dreamily "We used to lie around talking about what to call it, we'd decided on Ellie for a girl, Like Elephant, and Cameron for a boy, thankful it was a boy" she grinned her hand resting on Rivers. "You would have like Bos, he was so strong. And so..... moral........ right was right, no grey. And he'd have died for us" she smiled "And he could dance, and sing like an angel"
"Wish it'd been a girl." smiling "You could've occupied yourself with her instead of becoming a Companion. Made pretty dresses and taught her to dance and sing like him..." she wished she could've met him. "World needs more people like that, I think..."
She shook her head "She still would have died at birth, just like Cameron had......... if he'd lived....... the family wouldn't have sent me away, would have kept me close, their grandson close" she smiled "he would have liked you"
"Maybe." to both..
"No maybe, he would have," she smiled "I like you, and we have the same taste......" she smiled before correcting "Had" she studied River "I should find my photos to show you"
River had a bucket of soapy water and a rag in her hand, she'd been cleaning up the blood trail. Of course she knew she'd end up visiting Inara, she was okay with that now. Still had questions about how the girl had gotten onto Serenity, but she knew it wasn't really the companion's fault. Gently she tapped on the door and called out "Its River..."
Inara didn't move from where she lay, she considered flipping her mirror so River wouldn't ask but that would involve getting up.......... "Come in sweet heart" she called back "Pleanty of room for another"
River stepped inside, closing the door behind her and putting the bucket down beside the couch before she went to Inara, sitting on the edge of the bed. "She set you up, you know." softly
"I guessed that" she said softly turning the ring absently on her finger. "Doesn't matter, no real harm done to me" she said "Only the rest of you........... are you all going to be ok?" she asked.patting the bed motioning for river to lie down as well
"Lots of harm, 'Nara." she stretches out on the bed beside the companion, watching her play with the ring. "We'll be okay, everyone'll heal, even Kaylee can be fixed if she wants... Different with you, though."
She looked at River rather than her ring "I'm Fine River," she said motioning to herself "Alive and well" she absently reached out to stroke River's cheek, remembering Miranda's words about the comfort that could be felt with a simple touch of the girl.
"But." taking Inara's hand gently "You don't want to be. She played on what was already there, made you think nobody cared, nobody would miss you. Played on your fears so that you would be willing." a sigh "She's me, you know. Genetic engineering, basically a clone of me, they tried to train all the humanity out of her but still... She really thought she was giving you what you wanted, even if she had to con you into it... hurting the rest of us with it, that was just icing." River didn't know if she was defending the girl or trying to comfort Inara. Both, maybe.
"River........" time to make a confession "I've known, deep down, that I wanted to die for years now" she said softly. She smiled weakly "And Miranda, she's a sweet girl.......deep down" she said "Like her mother then" a tear escaped inara's eyes with out intending it to, so quick move forward "Will Simon be able to help Kaylee?"
She wraps her arms around Inara, hugging her. "Infertility drugs are usually reversible, and Kay... she doesn't even know if she wanted babies to begin with. If she decides she wants it, he'll find the way for her. Knowing him, he'll research it anyway, just so he's ready in case that happens."
Inara smiled "I'm glad" she said softly. "How do you feel about it? Being a mother?" she asked "Mal going to.... you know..... accept her? Try to make her sweet all the time rather than some of the time?"
"Its... strange." she shrugged slightly "Still adjusting to it and... Miranda thinks of the Operative as her Father... he helps her." a swallow "And he's coming soon."
Inara scowled "The operative is coming here?" she asked "Wait....." she said softly "Father? No you have to convince Miranda to stay, convince Mal to be her Dad, he'll be a good Dad" she said "And you'd make a sweet family" she said softly. There was something in her eyes that was distant cold, "You'll all adjust fine....... and you'll all be well" again the way she was speaking made it sound like she considered it a case of them, and her.
"We." softly, simply. "There's no family if you leave us, Inara... Just a group of people who are close."
"River....." she sighed "I'm not part of the family, not really, and it's my fault, I've kept you all at arms length, but I'm ok about that......." she smiled weakly "I was leaving anyway remember?"
"This is home." harsh, River has her grumpyface on. "You think I could teach a child, I could help her come out from under what they did to her? Me? I know nothing about children, I barely was one even when I was one. She cares for you, Inara. We all do." gentler again, something lonely in her voice. Maybe she was thinking about how sure she was that Mal was in love with Inara... maybe how much Miranda needed someone who knew how to be tender and gentle with a child. Maybe something else altogether.
She leant closer to River and kissed the end of her nose, she knew better than continue argueing with River. So She decided to end it, "I do love you River. But I don't know about Children, I'm never going to have them........."
River looked at the ring, then at Inara, not saying what they both knew.
Inara looked at River, the way she was looking at the ring, so she slipped it off, going to get up to put it away.
River said quietly as Inara walked away "Just because you can't have another of your own doesn't mean you couldn't care for another child. Losing Him didn't keep you from caring for other men, why...?"
Inara tensed with out looking back at her she asked "Have I loved other Men? I've been with other men........I've not been with any one I love" she said "I've kept the only one away..." she bit her lip "Children are easier to love" she sighed "How long have you known?" she asked. "About.........me?"
"Its been on your mind a lot lately." no idea why, though, she knew nothing about Jayne.
She put the ring into the box, as she did she glanced at the new scar on her hand. "Sorry if I've been In your head with it........."
River shrugged "Sometimes it can't be helped. I try not to Read any of the crew, isn't polite. Some slips through though." sitting up on the bed "Why are you so afraid?"
"Afraid?" she glanced back at River "What makes you think I'm afraid?"
"Nervous, jumpy, worried, shifty... You try to avoid being alone with anyone unless its in here."
She smiled and walked back over to River "It's nothing, Just, with the leaving and the recent lose, I, I'm just worried about you all"
"You don't have to say if you don't want, can tell me not to meddle... but don't lie."
It hadn't been a full lie, but she figured it wasn't the best arguement to use. "River, Have I ever been worried about being alone with you? ever?" she asked "I trust you with...... I'd trust you with my very soul........." she told her.
"Not me, Not Mal, Not Simon or Kaylee..." by her tone it was obvious that she was only guessing, didn't even know she was close to realizing what was really wrong.
"River Stop, please. Nothing good can come of this......... just....... stop" she said taking her hand. "Please, I love you and I'm asking you to STOP" she said firmly. "I love you, probably more than Mal........ so please.......... for once stop thinking"
She said a slight hint of panic to her voice.
River blinked, looked a bit dazed and shook her head. "Inara..." swallowing "But... you'll leave us... if I can't help you, find a way to get you to want to be here... you'll go..." tears.
"River......" she let out a long sigh before saying "If, if you really want, need me to stay......I will" she said softly. "But It'll be only for you......."
River didn't seem any happier with that option than she did at the thought of Inara leaving altogether. "But..."
"But?" she asked looking at her
River paused, struggling with her own need to keep Mal for herself, and knowing that Inara needed him as well. Would speaking risk one of them not getting what they wanted, one who might be herself? "Why only... for me?"
She smiled "I love you, and, it's, it's........ I feel safe and home with you River. Like maybe life isn't so bad. I love Mal but it's different, it's a love that scares me. But you...... it's closer than friend or lover, or even sister." she touched the girls cheek. "I just fear I'll bring pain upon you............" again not specifiying what pain
"Everyone here has been hurt because of me." a slight smile "Maybe its justice if I get hurt too." then the smile grew and she said "If he lets Miranda stay, you know she'll look after you. Nobody will ever hurt you as long as she's here to protect you."
"One of your main problems with her staying is probably going to be Simon and Jayne" she offered.
"She can handle Jayne." not a moment's hesitation "Took him down like he was nothing, strung him up and carved his sins into him for everyone to see." pride, there. Is that strange? "Simon... when he realizes she's family, he'll get over it." she was pretty sure of that, anyway. Almost certain.
Despite herself Inara was pleased to hear about Jayne, for River to be casual meant he'd be ok, so she could enjoy him being hurt. "You sure?" she asked. She paused "Ok, fine, I'll stay, but I need to keep my secrets........ "
"Even the ones I know aren't mine to tell, Inara."
"I don't want you to breath a word" she said softly. "And, don't worry about me getting in the way with you and mal...... I won't......... I swear"
"I won't." then, biting her lip "Can't. Not our choice to make, its his." meaning if he made up his mind to be with Inara, River would step aside.
She shook her head "It is my choice" she said softly. "He's yours........ he doesn't want me, he wants you......... he needs you........ needs, needs someone who doesn't have the sort of issues I do" she said "Sides, your the better girl. A weapon is better than a whore isn't it" she said, it wasn't a question it was a statement. "Sides, if he were to want children....... you'd be a better choice"
"Wrong." her jaw clenching. "You're not a whore, Inara. Calls you that to irritate you, make you prove you're more, make you be the Lady you are inside..." then "If I wanted, Simon could probably reverse the procedure, but female Operatives are sterilized so there's no chance of losing them for a gestation period."
"I am a whore River, just dressed pretty......" she shrugged "So you're a step ahead of me" she said "I can't have children, it's not possible in any form"
"No." she'd never agree or consider Inara as a whore. "Never."
"River I don't want to argue about it" she said, despite locking memories up, trying to block her mind off snippets of memory might leak through.
"Ya just a whore, who ain't all she could be....... maybe you ain't worth the sheath, be a waste"
And the mirror shattering as she hit it.
River's hands were in her lap, Inara couldn't see that her nails were digging into her palms, drawing blood. River's expression stayed blank as she looked at the Companion. "Never." a whisper
Inara looked at River "Tell me what the difference is........... I get paid to have sex........." she said as she sat down at her dresser again. "I'm weak River...... thats all there is too it"
"You don't have to live that life anymore, Inara." a whisper "You can stay with us, help with Miranda if she stays, find another way to be part of the crew." a slight smile "Learn to cook, maybe. Make protein paste taste like real food."
"Not possible" she smiled "It'll always be...... protein paste" she sighed "'sides I make good money, pays the rent.... and keeps me in the pretty dresses"
"You don't have to, though. Not if you don't want to. Don't owe anybody anything, only yourself." understanding, now, why Inara wanted to leave, but not being allowed to talk about it... difficult.
"I need to be able to pay rent on the shuttle" she said "Can.... can we please stop talking about it now?" she asked. "I, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, in no time I'll be back to normal"
"She'll keep you busy." smiling again
"Miranda?" she asked "If shes allowed to stay" she smiled "I hope she does......"
"I'll talk to Mal." and the Operative, when he came. The ship was getting crowded these days.
"Is mal expecting you back tonight?" she asked
Shrug "Hadn't asked." If she didn't come, and he wanted, he'd look for her.
"Want to stay here?" she asked
"Need to clean up first." remembering the bucket she'd brought "But until dinnertime." she curled up beside Inara, stroking her hair. "If you want."
She smiled "Want you to stay" she said softly. she closed her eyes for a moment, she wanted to ask a question but she didn't want to see Rivers face, she wanted to keep hers an emotionless mask "What was Jayne's sin?"
"Jealousy. Jealous of Mal."
"huh" Inara said softly, pondering that, "Should be too"
"Guess so."
She opened an eye to look at River "He has you, more than Jayne does, he's better looking, a captain, has more-" stop she shouldn't know that
"More everything, I know. Me, you, Kaylee... Everyone loves him, Jayne's just the puppy, a plaything." and River realized then, that this was her fault too... That she'd never allowed him off the leash to play, so he'd gone after Inara instead.
Inara smiled looking at River "Mals...........just more of a man" she said, wanting to see the look in Rivers eyes talking about Mal.
"Yes. He worries, blames himself, tries to be aloof." a smile "Because he wants so much he tells himself he can't have." Meaning things in general, not herself "So used to denying he doesn't know how to let himself have what he wants."
"Wants you"
Shrug "And you."
She shook her head "No River you" she rested her forehead against Rivers.
River wasn't going to argue what she knew. He might sleep with her, might not be able to refuse or resist her, but his thoughts were often on Inara. Of course it would never occur to the Reader to think that he might be deliberately hiding himself behind the other woman. Instead, she snuggled close.
"Sorry I lied to you" she murmered softly
"We all have secrets."
"I meant about not being with Mal because........ because of the openess thing...... its' not true, just an excuse"
"Oh." curious
"I just, I......." she sighed "It's, just not meant to be, I'm sorry"
"Why?"
"Why? Why I lied? Or why it's not meant to be?"
"Yes."
"Mal's meant to be with you..........not me, I wouldn't be good for him....... we've been through that......... and I can't face the matchmaking"
"Why?"
"River........." she sighed "We've been through this.......... you and mal good........ mal and whore bad"
"Bah." and that's all she was going to say, since they both didn't actually want to be having this conversation.
Inara smiled "Good girl" she said giving River a soft kiss
"Can I ask something else? Maybe related?"
She considered a moment "Hmm ok." she said
"Why did you retreat from us? Become distant, when everyone was close?"
She bit her lip considering her answer carefully. "I, I didn't want to....... I, I didn't feel, don't feel I have a right to be happy, when he's gone......... when they're gone"
"How long will you punish yourself?"
"Until I'm with them?"
"Did you ever go back?"
"Back? Back where?"
"To see..."
"The graves?" she asked
"Yes. And to say goodbye."
She shook her head "No, after the operation I was shipped off to the training house, I missed the funerals......went through the training........ and when people started to note Who I am, I decided to leave, joined serenity....... just, keep my distance....."
That made her curious, she'd never known Inara was someone that should be recognized outside of the Companion world. "Really?"
She bit her lip, she was spilling might as well spill some more "My-" long time since she'd used this word "-Husband was an independant, he was given the job of delivering a message to the lines, and never made it, he was quiet well known for it........despite getting killed his message got through and helped in the battle.....or so I was told,"
"Bad on mainstream Alliance worlds, then." good for the Browncoats, good for someone like Mal and, if he'd known, maybe a reason she'd be welcome on his ship.
She nodded "I think it was one of the reasons his family wanted me out of the way....... I'd allowed him to go off to war....... to die in Du Khang,"
"Most Volunteers wives weren't given a choice, they were just expected to be waiting when the men came home." gently "If the family blamed you for that, its because they disagreed with his decision and couldn't punish him for it."
"I should have tried to make him stay...... he was going to be a father he shouldn't have gone......." she sighed "And because I didn't make him stay I lost them their son and grandson." Change of subject "Mal fought at Du Khang......."
"Maybe they met there..." that was a thought
"Could you imagen?" she actually smiled "He'd have made some comment about being a married man, and Mal would have made some joke, and Bos he'd have mad some comment about me being fat and pregnant" she smiled "And I was, I put on so much weight-" it had been too long since she'd remembered happy times "-I couldn't see my feet, I was starting to doubt I had them!"
River giggled, putting a hand on Inara's belly as she imagined it fat. "Don't believe that."
"Honest" she smiled "Bos used to joke that the baby was going to be an elephant........ said looked like one" she sighed dreamily "We used to lie around talking about what to call it, we'd decided on Ellie for a girl, Like Elephant, and Cameron for a boy, thankful it was a boy" she grinned her hand resting on Rivers. "You would have like Bos, he was so strong. And so..... moral........ right was right, no grey. And he'd have died for us" she smiled "And he could dance, and sing like an angel"
"Wish it'd been a girl." smiling "You could've occupied yourself with her instead of becoming a Companion. Made pretty dresses and taught her to dance and sing like him..." she wished she could've met him. "World needs more people like that, I think..."
She shook her head "She still would have died at birth, just like Cameron had......... if he'd lived....... the family wouldn't have sent me away, would have kept me close, their grandson close" she smiled "he would have liked you"
"Maybe." to both..
"No maybe, he would have," she smiled "I like you, and we have the same taste......" she smiled before correcting "Had" she studied River "I should find my photos to show you"