[fic] actus reus
Title: Actus Reus
Rating: pg
Word Count: 1620
Summary: Woohyun is a conman and Sunggyu is a moron. (Woohyun/Sunggyu)
actus reus
On day five-hundred and ninety-eight of his stint at being the world’s greatest conman, Woohyun decides to give it all up. It’s quite hectic living a dual life, he decides. There’s always an alibi to work up, minions to manage, arch nemeses to cultivate, and in just under two years he’s managed to successfully pad his bank account lavishly enough to forestall any financial crises in the nearby future. He doesn’t need that extra thousand in his pocket at the end of every month, and he figures that it’d much more productive to spend his evenings carefully ensuring that his workaholic significant other doesn’t manage to drown himself in paperwork and legalese.
The first step, Woohyun decides, is Admitting You Have A Problem. He steals this idea off the Internet. It will be my last theft, he thinks positively. The website seems to suggest that positivity is important. He thinks it extra, extra hard.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcoh--stealing. That our lives had become unmanageable,” he says slowly, reading off of the screen. He squints. He reads it again. Nothing happens and Woohyun wonders how KBS’s stock prices are doing today and whether he can trick shareholders into selling low for a day and a half.
“Perhaps I need to admit my problem to someone else.”
∞
Woohyun spends the rest of the morning navigating the Internet and quickly becomes disillusioned with all of the various helplines available. Apparently insisting that Chronic Theft was a disorder was insulting to the impassioned community of Alcoholics Anonymous. Woohyun does end up spending a hopeful half hour on hold with a potential psychiatrist before finding that his call has been rerouted to India where a telemarketer tries to explain that No-Gro Hair Removal Creme is exactly what his life has been missing all of these years.
Luckily, Woohyun is a better conman than that and decides to abstain from the free twenty minute offer of two-for-the-price-of-three. For one, the shipping fees would just be outrageous.
On the other hand, he notices that Sunggyu has been texting him constantly and it’s probably not a good idea to keep showing up half an hour late for their bi-weekly lunch dates, especially not if Woohyun wants to keep sleeping with him. Woohyun does, after all, know the difference between fashionable and rude.
∞
“You are so fucking rude,” Sunggyu says, stabbing at a very wilted bit of lettuce. Woohyun rolls his eyes at the melodrama.
“I have something of great urgency to tell you.”
“Which is why you were late.”
Woohyun bristles. “I was fixing my hair. I’m very fond of my hair. I really don’t see how you can walk out of the house every day looking like a disheveled beast.”
“I really think you should treat me better. We just got back together.” Sunggyu munches noisily on a piece of lettuce. Ah, Woohyun recalls. They’d broken up last Monday because Woohyun needed to finish a project and Sunggyu was furious that he’d missed Movie Night. It had been a very inconvenient breakup. Woohyun had fixed it two days later by showing up with flowers and coffee to Sunggyu’s workplace. Nothing says love like a nice french roast.
“Oh, uhm.” Woohyun tries to think of something nice to say. It’s hard, though, because Sunggyu really does look like a disheveled beast and Woohyun is perplexed why Milton & Stern has yet to fire him for an attempt at mimicking hobo-ism. “I like your suit. It is very, er, lawyer-ly.”
It also has about three thousand wrinkles. Woohyun breathes in slowly and tries to think of England.
Sunggyu sighs. “You said you had something important to tell me?”
“Oh yes. I have a confession.”
There is a bit of a pause. Sunggyu squints and Woohyun restrains himself from explaining to Sunggyu exactly how absurd that looks on someone who has only fifty percent as much eye as a normal human. “A confession?”
“Prepare yourself. I am about to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. You see,” and Woohyun lowers his voice just a bit, “I am a conman.”
“Oh really.” Sunggyu stabs at his lettuce. He does not look very impressed. Woohyun is oddly disappointed. “Is this your way of telling me that you aren’t going to pay for lunch after all?”
“You are being very dense today. I’m a conman! I trick people!”
“Hilarious.”
“Okay,” Woohyun says, reformulating. “How about this: I’m climbin’ through yo windows, snatchin’ yo documents up.”
“Is that a yes to lunch? Because if so, I’m ordering dessert.”
∞
The problem with dating Kim Sunggyu is that, aside from living at his job and never coming home and rarely changing and showering and...well aside from the list of problems that Woohyun once wrote up in a fit of exasperation, Sunggyu is actually the least observant moron currently inhabiting the Earth.
Woohyun once tested this hypothesis. In college, he had been fairly Aggrieved when Sunggyu had chosen to room with this idiot resembling a prehistoric reptile instead of his magnificent self, so after a month of whining and pouting and generally just being incredibly irritated, he decided to capture Dongwoo and replace him with an actual dinosaur.
The small wrinkle with that plan was, of course, that dinosaurs were extinct. So Woohyun just bought a giant plushie and stuck it in Dongwoo’s bed and waited for Sunggyu to notice.
He didn’t. Woohyun kept Dongwoo in his closet for a month and a half. Woohyun probably would have opted to keep him in there forever but Myungsoo started getting especially addled by the Extreme Violation of Human Rights occurring in his dorm room closet and Woohyun really didn’t want to be kicked out of university housing.
Dongwoo eventually had to withdraw from school. Something about massive trauma. That was kind of a shame because Woohyun used to cheat off of him during Biology.
∞
Next, Woohyun decides to try his favorite target, Kim Myungsoo, ex-roommate extraordinaire.
“Myungsoo! How are you doing these days? Rich? Prosperous?”
“That is hilarious,” Myungsoo says tersely. There is a small wrinkle forming at the edge of his eye. It is probably due to the fact that Woohyun never makes an appointment to see Myungsoo and just waltzes into his office, usually under the guise of a disgruntled ex-lover. “I have a huge merger coming up. What is it?”
“You really shouldn’t tell me these things,” Woohyun remarks sadly, fiddling with his paper cup of coffee. “You make it so easy for me.”
“Didn’t you say last time that you were quitting? Going to try for a life of righteousness? Or something?”
“Well yes, but I’ve come to the realization that it isn’t easy to just go cold turkey. I’ve limited myself to siphoning off small cuts from big corporate deals in the evenings just to be able to get to sleep at night! Very difficult, you see.”
“Have you told Sunggyu?”
“I’ve tried. You know what he’s like.”
Myungsoo rearranges a few folders on his desk. “I have a really important meeting coming up. Can we discuss your love life another time?”
“I’m this close to going outside and convincing your secretary to leave you and join my non-existent startup for a small investment fee,” Woohyun says sadly. “I really think you ought to help me.”
“Oh bugger.”
∞
Myungsoo ends up providing him with exactly zero useful solutions, which is not atypical. It’s very unfortunate that everyone Woohyun knows either dislikes him or happens to edge on the lower end of the intelligence spectrum.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Woohyun decides. If Sunggyu needs proof, well.
Woohyun pulls up his bank account, keys in a few commands, leaves his IP address hanging out, and waits.
∞
Apparently Sunggyu isn’t actually that stupid. He shows up to bail Woohyun out of jail in a shirt that’s three shades too green for Woohyun’s liking. But he pays the bill up front and he brings his car and a bit of lotion for Woohyun’s hands because he was somehow under the impression that people in prison for white collar crimes had to wear handcuffs all the time. So maybe just eighty-five percent stupid.
“Why are you in jail?”
“I am a conman. Conmen usually end up in jail at some point.”
“No but,” and Sunggyu runs a hand through his hair, “why did you end up in jail.”
“I got caught?” Woohyun tries to say this bit very slowly just to make sure Sunggyu Gets It. “That is usually what happens when you get caught for bending the rules in society. You go to jail. By the way, I am a conman.”
“Aren’t you an expert?”
Woohyun gapes. “Wait. You knew?”
Sunggyu sniffs edgily. “Excuse me. I wouldn’t break up with you just for missing movie night. I realized that you had better things to do and was just giving you an excuse. It’s important to have Trust in a relationship, you know.”
“Did you read this in one of your self-help books.”
“I don’t see why that is relevant,” Sunggyu replies loftily.
“It isn’t,” and there’s a red light so Woohyun stops talking and grabs at Sunggyu’s shirt and pulls it down and in so that Sunggyu tilts sideways and Woohyun can reach his mouth and kiss him gently, softly, teeth grazing at the edge of his lips. God, Woohyun thinks, I am dating the most amazing asshole on the planet.
“Is this a confession?”
A car behind them honks. Woohyun just smiles. “Just when I said all I thought I could say--
“Oh no.”
“--my chick on the side said she had one on the way.”
“I am going to turn around and ask for a refund and leave you to rot in jail. You deserve it.”
“Because I’m a conman?”
“Because you tricked me into thinking you were normal. Dateable.”
Woohyun laughs and elbows Sunggyu as hard as he can and thinks, nah, you’re just pissed because I’ve made off with your heart.
No need to give up on the whole lifestyle just yet, then.
∞
author's note: yes yes this is who you think it is. thanks to hopeandmemory for the beta work!
Rating: pg
Word Count: 1620
Summary: Woohyun is a conman and Sunggyu is a moron. (Woohyun/Sunggyu)
actus reus
On day five-hundred and ninety-eight of his stint at being the world’s greatest conman, Woohyun decides to give it all up. It’s quite hectic living a dual life, he decides. There’s always an alibi to work up, minions to manage, arch nemeses to cultivate, and in just under two years he’s managed to successfully pad his bank account lavishly enough to forestall any financial crises in the nearby future. He doesn’t need that extra thousand in his pocket at the end of every month, and he figures that it’d much more productive to spend his evenings carefully ensuring that his workaholic significant other doesn’t manage to drown himself in paperwork and legalese.
The first step, Woohyun decides, is Admitting You Have A Problem. He steals this idea off the Internet. It will be my last theft, he thinks positively. The website seems to suggest that positivity is important. He thinks it extra, extra hard.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcoh--stealing. That our lives had become unmanageable,” he says slowly, reading off of the screen. He squints. He reads it again. Nothing happens and Woohyun wonders how KBS’s stock prices are doing today and whether he can trick shareholders into selling low for a day and a half.
“Perhaps I need to admit my problem to someone else.”
∞
Woohyun spends the rest of the morning navigating the Internet and quickly becomes disillusioned with all of the various helplines available. Apparently insisting that Chronic Theft was a disorder was insulting to the impassioned community of Alcoholics Anonymous. Woohyun does end up spending a hopeful half hour on hold with a potential psychiatrist before finding that his call has been rerouted to India where a telemarketer tries to explain that No-Gro Hair Removal Creme is exactly what his life has been missing all of these years.
Luckily, Woohyun is a better conman than that and decides to abstain from the free twenty minute offer of two-for-the-price-of-three. For one, the shipping fees would just be outrageous.
On the other hand, he notices that Sunggyu has been texting him constantly and it’s probably not a good idea to keep showing up half an hour late for their bi-weekly lunch dates, especially not if Woohyun wants to keep sleeping with him. Woohyun does, after all, know the difference between fashionable and rude.
∞
“You are so fucking rude,” Sunggyu says, stabbing at a very wilted bit of lettuce. Woohyun rolls his eyes at the melodrama.
“I have something of great urgency to tell you.”
“Which is why you were late.”
Woohyun bristles. “I was fixing my hair. I’m very fond of my hair. I really don’t see how you can walk out of the house every day looking like a disheveled beast.”
“I really think you should treat me better. We just got back together.” Sunggyu munches noisily on a piece of lettuce. Ah, Woohyun recalls. They’d broken up last Monday because Woohyun needed to finish a project and Sunggyu was furious that he’d missed Movie Night. It had been a very inconvenient breakup. Woohyun had fixed it two days later by showing up with flowers and coffee to Sunggyu’s workplace. Nothing says love like a nice french roast.
“Oh, uhm.” Woohyun tries to think of something nice to say. It’s hard, though, because Sunggyu really does look like a disheveled beast and Woohyun is perplexed why Milton & Stern has yet to fire him for an attempt at mimicking hobo-ism. “I like your suit. It is very, er, lawyer-ly.”
It also has about three thousand wrinkles. Woohyun breathes in slowly and tries to think of England.
Sunggyu sighs. “You said you had something important to tell me?”
“Oh yes. I have a confession.”
There is a bit of a pause. Sunggyu squints and Woohyun restrains himself from explaining to Sunggyu exactly how absurd that looks on someone who has only fifty percent as much eye as a normal human. “A confession?”
“Prepare yourself. I am about to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. You see,” and Woohyun lowers his voice just a bit, “I am a conman.”
“Oh really.” Sunggyu stabs at his lettuce. He does not look very impressed. Woohyun is oddly disappointed. “Is this your way of telling me that you aren’t going to pay for lunch after all?”
“You are being very dense today. I’m a conman! I trick people!”
“Hilarious.”
“Okay,” Woohyun says, reformulating. “How about this: I’m climbin’ through yo windows, snatchin’ yo documents up.”
“Is that a yes to lunch? Because if so, I’m ordering dessert.”
∞
The problem with dating Kim Sunggyu is that, aside from living at his job and never coming home and rarely changing and showering and...well aside from the list of problems that Woohyun once wrote up in a fit of exasperation, Sunggyu is actually the least observant moron currently inhabiting the Earth.
Woohyun once tested this hypothesis. In college, he had been fairly Aggrieved when Sunggyu had chosen to room with this idiot resembling a prehistoric reptile instead of his magnificent self, so after a month of whining and pouting and generally just being incredibly irritated, he decided to capture Dongwoo and replace him with an actual dinosaur.
The small wrinkle with that plan was, of course, that dinosaurs were extinct. So Woohyun just bought a giant plushie and stuck it in Dongwoo’s bed and waited for Sunggyu to notice.
He didn’t. Woohyun kept Dongwoo in his closet for a month and a half. Woohyun probably would have opted to keep him in there forever but Myungsoo started getting especially addled by the Extreme Violation of Human Rights occurring in his dorm room closet and Woohyun really didn’t want to be kicked out of university housing.
Dongwoo eventually had to withdraw from school. Something about massive trauma. That was kind of a shame because Woohyun used to cheat off of him during Biology.
∞
Next, Woohyun decides to try his favorite target, Kim Myungsoo, ex-roommate extraordinaire.
“Myungsoo! How are you doing these days? Rich? Prosperous?”
“That is hilarious,” Myungsoo says tersely. There is a small wrinkle forming at the edge of his eye. It is probably due to the fact that Woohyun never makes an appointment to see Myungsoo and just waltzes into his office, usually under the guise of a disgruntled ex-lover. “I have a huge merger coming up. What is it?”
“You really shouldn’t tell me these things,” Woohyun remarks sadly, fiddling with his paper cup of coffee. “You make it so easy for me.”
“Didn’t you say last time that you were quitting? Going to try for a life of righteousness? Or something?”
“Well yes, but I’ve come to the realization that it isn’t easy to just go cold turkey. I’ve limited myself to siphoning off small cuts from big corporate deals in the evenings just to be able to get to sleep at night! Very difficult, you see.”
“Have you told Sunggyu?”
“I’ve tried. You know what he’s like.”
Myungsoo rearranges a few folders on his desk. “I have a really important meeting coming up. Can we discuss your love life another time?”
“I’m this close to going outside and convincing your secretary to leave you and join my non-existent startup for a small investment fee,” Woohyun says sadly. “I really think you ought to help me.”
“Oh bugger.”
∞
Myungsoo ends up providing him with exactly zero useful solutions, which is not atypical. It’s very unfortunate that everyone Woohyun knows either dislikes him or happens to edge on the lower end of the intelligence spectrum.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Woohyun decides. If Sunggyu needs proof, well.
Woohyun pulls up his bank account, keys in a few commands, leaves his IP address hanging out, and waits.
∞
Apparently Sunggyu isn’t actually that stupid. He shows up to bail Woohyun out of jail in a shirt that’s three shades too green for Woohyun’s liking. But he pays the bill up front and he brings his car and a bit of lotion for Woohyun’s hands because he was somehow under the impression that people in prison for white collar crimes had to wear handcuffs all the time. So maybe just eighty-five percent stupid.
“Why are you in jail?”
“I am a conman. Conmen usually end up in jail at some point.”
“No but,” and Sunggyu runs a hand through his hair, “why did you end up in jail.”
“I got caught?” Woohyun tries to say this bit very slowly just to make sure Sunggyu Gets It. “That is usually what happens when you get caught for bending the rules in society. You go to jail. By the way, I am a conman.”
“Aren’t you an expert?”
Woohyun gapes. “Wait. You knew?”
Sunggyu sniffs edgily. “Excuse me. I wouldn’t break up with you just for missing movie night. I realized that you had better things to do and was just giving you an excuse. It’s important to have Trust in a relationship, you know.”
“Did you read this in one of your self-help books.”
“I don’t see why that is relevant,” Sunggyu replies loftily.
“It isn’t,” and there’s a red light so Woohyun stops talking and grabs at Sunggyu’s shirt and pulls it down and in so that Sunggyu tilts sideways and Woohyun can reach his mouth and kiss him gently, softly, teeth grazing at the edge of his lips. God, Woohyun thinks, I am dating the most amazing asshole on the planet.
“Is this a confession?”
A car behind them honks. Woohyun just smiles. “Just when I said all I thought I could say--
“Oh no.”
“--my chick on the side said she had one on the way.”
“I am going to turn around and ask for a refund and leave you to rot in jail. You deserve it.”
“Because I’m a conman?”
“Because you tricked me into thinking you were normal. Dateable.”
Woohyun laughs and elbows Sunggyu as hard as he can and thinks, nah, you’re just pissed because I’ve made off with your heart.
No need to give up on the whole lifestyle just yet, then.
∞
author's note: yes yes this is who you think it is. thanks to hopeandmemory for the beta work!