01
Lost in Kensington
Kame’s cellphone sings, the sound slicing through the stillness. His clouded eyes shift in the shadows and his breathing faintly staggers as he tries to adjust his sight to the darkness.
With shaking fingers, he reaches for it. The object is cold and unfamiliar in his palm as it continues to ring, its tiny dancing light glows in the dark. He stares at the name for a moment.
Kame thumbs the display, trying to find warmth from the other’s name alone.
Seconds tick loudly as moist forms on the window.
He eventually flips the phone open but not without a sudden shudder running all over him.
There’s a slow but steady rush of warmth he feels the moment the other’s voice echoes inside his car.
“Hello. Hello? …Kame? Kame?”
He sits in silence for several seconds, his eyes never leaving the screen.
Kame leans back.
“Kame,” a soft sigh is heard from the other then the line crackles. Static.
Kame almost cringes.
“I know you’re there. Answer… please.” The voice breaks but the line doesn’t.
Kame runs a tired hand through his hair.
More crackles. Static. “Kame?”
The spell has broken.
“Jin,” Kame starts.
***
Kame’s back is pressed against the synthetic leather seat; the shirt underneath his jacket clings to his clammy skin awkwardly as sweat trickles down his spine. Kame closes his eyes as he rolls his head to the side; the humid air inside the car blurs his sight. He sees figures, waltzing and dancing, evaporating… and there’s a quiet pop. The figures are gone.
“Where are you?” Jin’s voice is soft, almost like a lullaby, rocking him gently; Kame’s wariness slipping.
“In my car.” And the other’s breathe of relief seems to be from another lifetime and the bad line cannot even be credited for the sound of it.
He moves and presses his forehead against the window; he exhales, with a long drag, and the fog further moistens the glass.
His finger traces the surface, scribbling lines and curves until the mist is gone and his busy finger is merely making small, screeching sounds against the glass.
But he hears none of it. He continues till the pad of his finger goes numb. His eyes flicker in endless darkness before him; the rest of him trembles.
“Are you driving?” He can almost see Jin’s shoulders droop from exhaustion and all the other things the world decided to burden the other with.
Kame closes his eyes, “No.”
“…You’re parked somewhere?”
He moves again, shifting in his seat, curling at his sides and resting his head against his knees.
“Yes.”
“Kame, can you please stop answering monosyllabically?”
“Hmm. Sorry.” Kame runs his palms across the rough fabric of jeans, lips curving into a bittersweet arc.
“Where are you? I’ll pick you up.” Jin asks, his words calm and measured.
“Narita.”
Kame’s temple prickles as he hears the other’s small gasp, “What? Kame - Why?”
“I can go too. Leave. I’ll meet you there. We’ll runaway. It’ll be cool.” There’s a surge of untamed confidence as he slurs out words that sound empty…. he believes it anyway.
“Kame -, ” a pause and a slight movement, “Just -, ” a suppressed groan followed by a sigh, “Don’t go anywhere - Kame? Are you still there?”
Kame almost laughs as he senses Jin’s confusion and annoyance over the bad line, over the crackles and static, over everything else.
“Yeah.” He sings, his eyes still closed. Sleep sounds like a wonderful idea.
“I’m on my way. What are you - I mean, are you drunk?” Jin asks, his tone is light, almost amused but Kame can sense the worried frustration underneath it all.
Drunkenly, insanely in love with you, Kame thinks but he has never been the type to say such things aloud.
Kame quietly hiccups as mist forms again and second ticks away…
“Kame?”
Kame blinks distractedly, “…Yeah.”
“Where are you particularly?” The other drawls slowly and Kame breaks into a small, wry smile.
Jin always indulges him. Ever patient, ever kind Jin. Jin always steps back and lets things simmer down. Armed always with an easy smile and warm embrace, Jin’s forgiving and patient soul has crossed borders and touched Kame in places and moved him with emotions Kame never thought he had in himself.
“P1? Terminal 1, I think.”
His legs are dying, growing numb, and his blood is failing to rush through his veins as he moves again - shifting and shifting and shifting again until he finds a comfortable spot, slowly drifting out of consciousness.
Jin’s soft voice lulls him; the other’s voice quivers in worry with a drop of frustration, stained with fatigue, “Are you sleeping? Please don’t go anywhere. Stay there. Kame?”
Kame dreams of his mother and brothers, and Jin and their dogs.
***
Jin huffs as he rounds the parked cars, hands warm inside his coat pockets. Fall is at its early peak and its chilly air poses a pure threat for those warm-blooded like him.
Behind him, the airport is alive and bustling; no one sleeps and everyone is on the go. Its bright silver light from the inside, with the occasional blinking red ones from the towers above, illuminates the parking lot faintly.
Jin suppresses a shudder when a numbing breeze wafts around him, leaving his skin with goosebumps, hairs on the back of his neck standing. Even the sparse lamplights flicker as he rushes from one lane to another.
As he turns to another row of cars, his eyes catch something. His heart jumps, skipping a beat or two as relief washes over him.
He sprints towards the blue car at the farthest side. His heart starts beating again.
He is merely a dozen step from said car when five years worth of exhaustion finally catches up. He slows down; his breathing hangs on a thin thread.
Jin swallows down the huffs and wheezes that try to escape. He fights the breathlessness he doesn’t want to acknowledge.
The clouds above clear, the moon shines.
He comes to a complete stop.
Dread and the reason for all this foolishness and abrupt decisions and stupid words and fucked up mistakes come rushing in.
Jin weakens.
He slumps forward, trembling, and presses his sweaty palms against his bent knees. His head dips as tears threaten to come loose.
Jin presses his eyes closed as he shakes his head, tears dancing as he does so.
The clouds move, it’s darker again.
When he finally raises his head, his lips have turned white and molded into a thin, grim line.
He closes his eyes one last time before moving towards the car; back straight, arms at his sides, unmoving, his strides quick and quiet.
The night is colder as he walks.
***
Jin peers through the window and sees Kame sleeping; his body curled, like a child, in the driver seat. His face shows no trace of any worry.
There’s a tired smile that tugs at the end of Jin’s lips as he sinks to the ground.
He leans against the cold body of Kame’s car.
The sky is dark above him.
He waits for dawn.
***
Kame wakes up at twilight; the sun hiding just below the horizon, painting the sky a faint shade of purple and a promise of orange at the edges.
Kame cracks one eye open and it only takes a second for him to remember everything - there’s a rapid flash of scenes, like from an old movie. Black and white without subtitles.
He doesn’t understand it, why.
With great strength, he blinks away the weariness that seems to have curved around his eyes and sits up.
He’s aching in every other square inch of his body, numbing at the rest. He slumps forward, burying his pale face on his palms.
You can’t deny reality when it sinks up on you; clawing your flesh, marking you, not letting you forget, leaving you only with a venom set to kill you from within.
Quiet sobs slices through the stillness inside the car.
Kame swears he could hear his own heart breaking.
Another moment of silence passes before Kame is able to straighten up again. He leans back and distractedly let his eye wander outside - his breath hitches as he sees the soft, almost translucent purple sky.
Purple, he scoffs. Jin is everywhere.
Kame is thinking of dead raccoons, pirate ships and medleys when a movement outside and the soft knock on the window that follows bring him back to his senses.
Jin smiles and shows him a brown paper bag from a coffee shop.
Kame stares.
Jin’s kind face is shrouded by the dark shadow of fatigue; his eyes lack the usual gleam of never-ending youth and sanguinity, even his smile is stiff around the edge of his mouth.
Kame bites down the desire to hurtle out of the car and cry and promise Jin the world and everything else.
He sits there instead and smiles back at Jin.
***
Jin steps back as Kame opens his door slowly and quietly swings his legs out. Kame doesn’t move from his seat, he gathers his hands on his lap as he looks up at Jin, like a lost puppy - domesticated and with soundless barks.
“Hey.” Kame’s voice is quiet.
“Morning.” Jin’s is husky, his bedroom voice.
Kame sighs softly, his lips curled, a happy arc this time. That voice never fails to make Kame feel all sorts of excitement even in the most inappropriate and dire situations.
Jin visibly brightens as he sees Kame somewhat in a better mood. He kneels in front of Kame, settling between the other’s legs.
“How long have you been here?” Kame reaches down and cups Jin's face, fingers gently tracing over the other’s features, brushing off the invisible dust of dreariness, weakness and vulnerability that rounds Jin’s face; a face that once gave boundless rushes of light and hope. “Did you even sleep?”
“Sort of. I didn't have the heart to wake you up. You seem tired.” Jin whispers, eyes still on Kame as he absentmindedly lays the take out brown bag on the ground, its promise of waffle goodness and caffeine overdose all forgotten.
They share a quiet moment as their eyes lock in a soft gaze.
Kame tries to read him but there are thousand nameless, unfamiliar things that flash and burn in Jin’s eyes.
Kame thinks the world is unfair.
As one tear trails down Kame’s cheek, Jin quickly moves to plant small kisses from the other’s jaw line to his forehead.
Kame remains still as Jin rests his lips against the corner of Kame’s mouth, and softly whispers words Kame knows by heart but barely believes anymore: everything will be alright, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m here, forever.
Jin’s fingers are warm as they wipe his tears away.
***
Kame slowly relaxes, molding his body against Jin’s. Jin breathes a sigh of relief at this as he moves and presses their foreheads together.
Kame doesn’t need to believe or even hear Jin’s white lies to feel good. Jin himself is enough to make their boxed up world a better breathing place.
Kame answers Jin’s silent question by blindly searching for Jin’s hand and links their fingers together, tight.
Their pulses slowly dance into sync, in a rhythm that makes Kame thinks they’re in the safety, warmth and comfort of their bed, love and affection hanging above them rather than defeat and long murky days ahead.
Kame’s shoulders drops and he lets out an easy, happy sigh as Jin’s scent of nicotine, coffee and discounted men’s cologne envelops him, leaving him no further reason to muse over regrets or even tainted nostalgia.
“You stayed here? Outside? All night long?” Kame allows himself to sound amused; he can play along.
For now, they know none of the world’s best tragedies.
Jin tries to pull away but Kame curls his arm around his neck, foreheads still glued together. Jin chuckles but indulges him anyway, “Two hours? I think. But I got cold so I went inside to have coffee.”
“Hmm.” Kame muses in his singsong tone as he moves again, lays his head on the other’s shoulder. The rise and fall of Jin’s chest relaxes him.
Kame’s mind is a thousand miles away, thinking of brilliant memories and selfless promises of the future. He suddenly makes a small surprised but pleased sound, almost like of a purr, as Jin’s hands work on his back, massaging, softly pressing, thumbs kneading.
Seconds tick… slowly. But Kame knows it’s a lie.
He nestles closer to Jin and lets out a soft sigh that makes Jin shiver.
No, Kame lets another tear fall.
He buries himself into the crook of Jin’s neck, kissing the soft almost pale skin there, marking the other.
Jin’s laughter vibrates and it wakes him up, “What is this? Now you tell me you’re for PDA? Bit late for it, don’t you think?” Jin runs his hands through Kame hair, twirling Kame’s dark locks around his fingers, the other hand ghostly tracing the outline of Kame’s bare neck.
Kame kisses the spot one last time before moving, pulling away slightly but still carefully staying within the intimate distance he prefers.
“I’m sorry.” Kame says quietly. They are the only words he can say without having a meltdown at that instant.
Jin stares at him instead, eyes unreadable again, as he moves to thumb Kame’s cheeks.
Kame wonders with a sharp pain in his chest when his Jin becomes unreadable.
“Are you feeling better now?” Jin asks, husky voice distracting Kame again.
Kame fights to meet his eyes, “I’m sorry, Jin.”
Contrary to what Kame is expecting, Jin brightens instead, “I love it when you’re impulsive and all. Gives back the thrill in this relationship.” Jin laughs as he rests his nose just below Kame’s ear.
“God, you have no idea how much I love you.” Jin whispers and his backhanded confession brings Kame to a whole new level of mourning.
Not now, Kame thinks as tightens his hold on Jin, clinging with no intention of letting go anytime soon - making sure that Jin understands clearly his reply as he is unable to voice out his desire to just be with him until they’re old, with never-ending telltale lines on their faces.
***
When Kame finally gets tired from crying, he moves and kisses Jin, soft, slow and sincere.
Familiar hazy figures dances and waltzes behind his closed eyes.
Seconds slips by.
There’s a static he hears.
***
“Let’s go home?” Jin asks with a bright smile; his face void of the jaded expression Kame anticipates.
Kame pauses, “Do you mind if we go somewhere else first?”
***
The street is empty when they pull over.
Kame wordlessly steps out of the car; Jin follows him, worry and uncertainty sketched on his face.
The sun is up but the heat it offers is just not enough to neutralize this numbing autumn crisp air that morning offers to them. Jin instinctively hugs himself when a particularly chilly wind blows.
Jin stares down at the ground and sees a floor of red and brown leaves underneath his boots.
He looks at his feet for a longer moment with a soft expression before raising his head again to squint at the sun.
The sun’s brightness slices through his vision, blinding him for a moment. He shuts his eyes when he finally feels his eyes burning.
Even without the skin-pricking heat it is known for, the sun is still able to hurt him. Even just looking at it hurts him. Despite their distance the sun still burns him.
He is aware of the pain it comes with but he does it again and again anyway.
He has always been a sucker for pretty, shiny things. Especially for stars.
Like the sun and maybe, Kame.
***
Jin walks away from the car. The leaves breaking with painful crisp sounds as he steps on them, crushing them.
He shoots Kame another hesitant glance as he sees the familiar three-story white house in front of them. Kame merely smiles at him before going inside the small, rusting gate and walks up to ring the doorbell.
A sweet melody of bells and chimes is heard from the inside of the house.
Jin's brows furrow into what seems to be permanent scowl as he hears a movement behind the door.
He settles behind Kame; his pulse racing.
They wait.
***
“Morning, Mom.” Kame moves to embrace his mother the second she opens the door.
When he finally pulls away, he laughs at his mother whose face’s contour speaks only of bleak shock, “Mom, what?”
“It’s eight in the morning! What are you doing here? Did I miss your call? When did you say you’ll be dropping by? It’s bee - Oh dear! Akanishi-kun!”
Jin steps out from behind Kame’s back and bows, “Kamenashi-san. Good morning. Sorry for dropping by unexpectedly.”
She breaks into a huge smile, with the warmth Kame admittedly craves, “Silly boys! What did I miss? Come inside, come inside.” She looks at them with her big, clear knowing eyes.
Then there is a small pause. With a small yelp, she hurriedly sprints inside, leaving them alone in the genkan.
But they can still hear her, “Oh my. Oh my. Breakfast! I hope we still have some miso.”
Kame says nothing but simply glances sideways at Jin, giving him a discreet reassuring smile before stepping inside.
Jin tries to return the smile but Kame is already walking ahead of him.
***
Kame follows his mother’s voice as he navigates through a series of dim hallways and creaking doors. The whole house seems to be empty as their footsteps echoes through the walls.
Their house might be old but like wine, the more it age, the sweeter it becomes.
There used to be lot more commotion during this time of the day when Kame was younger. There was never a dull moment in a home of four Lost Boys, with Peter Pan as their father and Tinker Bell mother.
As Kame walks, he sees the scratches and vents on the walls caused by four boys wrestling over the remote control, the last piece of meat, who was going to take the trash out and who just used whose leather jacket.
Kame smiles to himself as he remembers the memories, his childhood void of any of the stress and mess he had gotten himself into the past few years.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go back to Neverland?
Though the house is now almost empty as he and two of his brothers have moved out, the house is still able to radiate a warmth distinctively of his family.
Kame smiles. The walls even reek of pleasant nostalgia.
Kame pauses for a brief moment as he passes by the staircase; he looks up, the second floor seems darker. His hand grasps the railing, tight.
Jin is a few steps behind him, eyeing Kame.
Kame slouches, his shoulder drops further when he shifts weight onto his side.
After some seconds of hesitation, he walks again.
Jin decides not to say anything.
He simply follows Kame, like always.
***
When Kame reaches the kitchen he sees his mother rushing from the refrigerator to the table. Her hair is pulled into a loose bun, her smile bright and big, like a little, bouncing sunshine in their old kitchen.
She turns towards him and her face falls at that instant, “You look so horrible.” She gripes, little sunshine smile dying, faltering. “Have you eaten breakfast?
Kame doesn’t answer; he gives her a small smile instead.
She’s having none of that, “What brings you boys here?”
Kame’s cheeks shouldn’t hurt from smiling. He’s idol. He should be a goddamn expert on this.
He leans on the wall, a soft grunt comes out as his sore shoulder bumps with the sharp edge of a certain picture frame. He suppresses the urge to cringe, “Can we stay here and rest for a couple of hours, Mom?”
She pauses and eyes him.
She sees the dark rings under his once bright eyes, sees the slight tremble of his thin frame despite the heater’s work. Behind her son, the hallway to the living room is dark and it casts a darker shadow over Kame’s almost pitifully thin body.
That moment in her small kitchen, her son, a man whom the public owns now is simply a frostbitten child.
She aches for him. Somehow, she knows.
“Of course you can.” She smiles just in time for Jin to step into view.
Jin stands at Kame’s side and doesn’t try to hide his confusion and exhaustion.
He’s sweating and cold but he doesn’t tremble. He mustn’t.
“You two seem to be in need of some homemade food,” she says and Jin thinks he knows where Kame had gotten that brilliant smile that Jin has been smitten with since day one.
***
Kame’s father enters the kitchen fifteen minutes later, smoke trailing after him. He stops and blinks; the burning ash of his cigarette falls, tainting the floor.
“Hi, Dad.” Kame remains seated, smiling at his father.
Jin quickly gets up and bows, hitting his knees on the table along the process, “Good morning, Kamenash-san.” He winces, grunts and curses silently.
Kame’s father stays rooted, “I just saw you last night on the evening news!” He points at Jin. He isn’t implying anything, Jin prays, but it doesn’t stop him feeling rather queasy.
“Ah yes, sorry about that.” Jin bows again and a drop of cold sweat trails down his neck, his hair clings to his neck. Itchy.
Kame lets out a small genuine laugh and Jin’s morale jumps upon hearing it. It’s simply raw, comfortable and soothing, like the hypnotic echoes of waterfalls in the deep forests, like the sweet wind chimes in the middle of lazy summers - exactly like everything Jin ever wanted in his life.
“Oh shush you.” Kame’s mother crosses the room to stand in front of her husband, hands on her hips.
“Was I supposed to know they’d be coming?” He mocks whisper, eyeing the clutter in the kitchen warily.
Kame laughs again and somehow it doesn’t feel wrong. He tugs the ends of Jin’s jacket, urging the other to sit down.
His smile reaches his tired eyes, “No, Dad. This is your prodigal son coming home unannounced.”
The other puts on a sad face, “Oh. But why do you have to? We’re doing just fine.” He blinks, “And why is he with you?” He gestures in Jin’s general direction again.
Jin stiffens but Kame laughs again. Years of this act and yet Jin still doesn’t get it.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in America?” Kame’s father moves to sit in front of them, “English, huh.” He pauses, “Hello, what is your name?”
Jin grimaces.
Kame’s mother snorts instead and grabs the cigarette dangling between her husband’s lips and presses the gleaming end in the ashtray until it dies, “I said no smoking inside the house.”
She faces them again, “Excuse him, retirement is not going well for him.”
Jin just sits there, awkwardly glancing back and forth, from Kame’s relaxed face to his bantering parents.
“I love you, Dad.” Kame laughs lightly, wiping a happy tear from the corner of his eyes. There is not a hitch on his tone when he says that.
His father eyes him for a moment. “You’re so disgusting.” The older one says, curtly.
Jin is taken a back with that, baffled with everything that’s happening in front of him, but Kame giggles again, seemingly unaffected, “Oh Dad. But I love you!”
Kame’s mother then snips with a fake scowl, “Shooo you, go, go! Go play golf, clean whatever. Don’t you see they’re eating?”
With a resigned expression, Kame’s father slowly stands up, hands up in the air, surrendering.
“Fine, fine.” He mutters as he trots away, nodding at no one.
Jin breathes in relief when Kame’s father opens the back door.
His relief is, sadly, short-lived as the older Kamenashi pauses just before going out, hands on the door and glances back, giving Jin a stern once-over, “Will you be coming back?”
Jin's mouth dries.
A quick look at Kame sitting beside him somehow gives him the guts he’s seems to have lost over the past few months, “Yes, sir. “
He stands too. He is even willing to kneel.
Kame’s dad cocks his head at the side, “Is that a promise or statement?”
“Statement.”
The older man simply shrugs and turns his back at him, “’Kay.”
Jin feels drained to the last drop of blood as he falls back to his seat.
Kame’s father softly hums a nursery rhyme Kame loved as a child on his way out of the back door, leaving the kitchen in a surprisingly comfortable silence.
Jin is still blinking to himself when he feels Kame’s hand close around his under the table.
Kame feels warmer now. Jin clasps the other’s hand tighter.
***
The hinge doesn’t creak when Jin opens the door. He was somehow even expecting cobwebs.
He pauses by the doorframe and watches Kame as the other curls down onto the bed. Jin smiles to himself bitterly. The truth is, this is where Kame belongs.
Kame sinks further onto the mattress as he rolls onto his back and eyes Jin with such a distant look.
Jin doesn’t return the look. He closes the door instead.
“Lock it.” Kame says, and he does.
Jin tries not to drag his feet as he walks inside and looks around the room.
With a heavy heart, Jin sees that the window is closed and the curtain is down. He can’t see the sky, can’t see his sun.
It seems only like yesterday. Even his feet remember how it feels to stroll on this floor. The room is not dusty; it doesn’t even smell stale.
But it’s lonely. It’s cold here.
Exactly how an abandoned place should be.
Kame stretches his arm towards him, distracting him, a great part of the younger’s face is buried on the pillow, his eyes half-lidded. “C’mere.” The other whispers tiredly.
Jin hesitates, “Shouldn’t we change first?”
Kame shakes his head, “It’s alright.” And he smiles with so much grief Jin thinks someone is dying, lost, breaking. Maybe someone is.
Jin complies anyway. He lies down, facing Kame but not touching him. “Do you have anything scheduled today?”
“Nothing important.” Kame smiles again, distractedly and with such familiar longing, and Jin winces at the sight of it.
Jin breathes deep. He moves, tracing his fingers on Kame’s cheeks. “Please,” Jin pauses, his voice breaks.
God, so much hurt. “Don’t try so hard.”
Kame doesn’t falter, his eyes dark, “Between you and me, I think you should speak for yourself.”
Jin closes his eyes, there’s a dull pain in his chest, “Kame…”
Kame cuts, “Should I go too? America sounds wonderful.” There’s no tremble in his voice. He continues, eyes not blinking, “Should I go instead?”
Jin opens one eye, his arms find Kame’s waist and pulls the other closer. “Why? Do you need to?”
Kame thinks for a moment, his lashes dark against his pale cheeks, “I want to.”
Jin lifts an arm and buries his hand in the other’s hair, fingers stroking the soft locks.
Jin is even humming. His own melody slices through him - memories breaking, desires unfolding.
When Kame makes no movement, Jin buries his head on Kame’s neck and embraces the other, arms snaking around Kame’s slightly trembling frame.
Silence stretches between them. The clock on the wall ticks loudly.
“But you don’t need to,” Jin finally says.
Kame shakes his head. “This is stupid.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kame pulls away and looks at him, eyes tainted with worry, “Why?”
Jin tries to smile at him, “This is all my fault.” He doesn’t acknowledge the tears trailing down his own cheeks.
He grabs Kame’s hands when Kame tries to wipe his tears away, “No.” He kisses and worships the other’s hand instead, “No no no no no…”
“Oh Jin.” Kame gripes as he curls around Jin.
They are breaking.
This time, Jin cries.
***
“I’ll be back.” Jin promises hours later. He had dreamed of stage lights, Spain and Disneyland.
Kame is still asleep, his breathing even, and Jin himself is barely conscious but he continuously whispers these words again despite himself. He hums his promise with a taunting melody, whose dark beats of uncertainty is clouded by the sweet wistfulness that hangs over them.
Kame moans in his sleep, as if responding to Jin’s gentle mantra, and restlessly moves closer to the other.
Jin nestles his face closer on the other’s neck in response and kisses the soft skin there. He inhales deeply and lets himself get lost in Kame’s scent. He remembers it and etches the fragrance deep in his soul.
With a soft sigh, Jin finally closes his eyes.
The sun has fallen outside.
Together, they dream again.
END
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Notes: This is a product of fionnakreuz the ficcer and blackfrog66 the graphic maker.
beta by awesome bellemainec
Comments are appreciated.