i guess this is turning into a nightly thing
apparently, i'm getting the hang of using this thing for my personal thought dump. I think i'm having one of those nights where i'm scared about the world that is waiting for me in january. when the trainer said to us that going away for a year doesn't put your life on pause while you're gone, that your life continues even when you're 10,000 miles away it's nights like these that it really rings true.
it's already obvious that by the time i go back i won't be in a relationship with the ex anymore. i'm not really thinking about that much these days. i guess i've just lumped it into a collective thought that my lifestyle of moving on and never resting in one place for more than a certain amount of time has cost me so many friendships that it makes my head spin. naturally, my brain looks at the flipside and realizes that these friendships couldn't have lasted more than the duration that they did. I'm sure I could have kept in better touch and not been constantly been outside everyone's loop because I was always on my way back to college or off to my next adventure.
tonight i feel really misunderstood. as usual my natural personality is not what i should be doing according to one or another. and yet, like in everything else i can't defend a position because i don't have one. i don't even know who i am to defend other people's claims of what i should be doing and what i shouldn't. i'm so tired of being forced to choose an identity for myself after so many years of not having one continuous one that i can clearly identify as me. k i'm going to bed. sleep always makes me forget my tears.
"you're doing a good job."