post for no reason at all
so, i'm about to write this journal entry and already i know that it's going to be long, possibly heartfelt, most likely nostalgic and maybe with a dash of deep thought or what i used to refer to as "thinkiness."
I'm sitting here contemplating the reasoning for writing this particular entry and it's leading me in a circular thought pattern as to what i hoped to accomplish by writing it. I know those of you who will actually read this (probably only rob, calli, and fonny) will want to smash your head on the desk at how stupidly my brain operates, so i issue this warning that if you start to want test whether your skull or your desk is the denser material, stop reading.
so, anyway, it started with me wanting to write, having some unlabelled emotion stirring around my brain and eager to do something with it. Turns out that writing is that application. I got the inspiration to listen to some of my old favorite late night thinking music, that is, from the Xenogears OST. So upon that decision, it led me to think about the times that I used to write using this music to calm me and help me think. That being of course my first year of college. When I would write livejournal entries back then, i would issue my thoughts in the form of theories and hypotheses about whatever topic was on my mind and get rebuttals and criticisms in my comments from various peers at the time. What often followed was the advice to just stop thinking about things so much and put energy towards something else instead of toiling mentally.
Anyway, so once i got to the memories of first year, i started to think about why i used to listen to this music at that point and the reason was that it reminded me of a time prior to those times that were simpler and ones that i looked back on with longing contrary to the difficulties of that present time. It's like a negative feedback loop of looking to the past and being jealous about how much easier things seemed back then compared to now. so i didn't intend this to be a "grass is greener" kind of nostalgia post, but like i said, i'm not really in control of where my brain leads me when it's 3 in the morning and i'm listening to XG music.
So anyway, once i established that my brain was taking me in this direction i started to question what my brain was doing and the validity of being so nostalgic like that and what it can accomplish or what it's good for. I realize that I'm not old or have experienced much to look back and reflect on as serious life events that can or should be thought of as major points in my life requiring internal recognition or debate as to its impact on my life. So then my brain presented the hypothetical, well what about when you're 30, 40, 50, etc, will you look back on the years of your life and think similarly? So i posed the question to myself, does it make a difference how long of a scale you're looking at to diem whether or not its worth your time to evaluate that timeline and think deeply about the events within it to perhaps gain better understanding of your present situation?
I'm sure i've mentioned this somewhere before, perhaps in my private journal or in this one that I've often thought about my dad and what his mind must hold concerning all that he's seen and done. We've talked somewhat about his experience of going through post college early 20's and the difficulties of self-identity and finding one's path to follow. Given this advice I am led to believe that he must give his past some sort of thought or have nostalgic times when he drifts out of his present situation to exist mentally in a time long past that brings good feelings to him.
At this point, i'm no longer recounting my thought pattern up to the beginning of this entry and now I'm starting to simply write down where my brain is taking me while the words are going down onto my keyboard and into xJournal. (great program btw for you mac LJ-ers.) I don't know if I realize or if you'll realize the value in that this writing at this very moment is purely candid thought and that i'm not simply retelling my thoughts or brain patterns but instead am flying by the seat of my brain's pants and just going word for word as it comes to me. I'm sure you realize this by now because the lack of content is quite apparent.
So it seems that i've logically or just coincidentally arrived at a reasoning for why I would dwell on thoughts of the past and that is because, naturally, the past has something to do with where i am now, and perhaps where i will be in the future. And i don't mean to say that i'm thinking about if i had done things differently would I be happier, sadder, etc and how would it be different. Moreso, I'm trying to get used to the idea that the past is what it is and the very recent past, which up until I recognized it as occuring was the present is as it should be. I know those of you who have talked to me regularly and kept up with me about how i'm doing out here know that i've hit a lot of rough spots and had some good times too.
ps. i'm updating my music as it changes so it'll be whatever i'm listening to as i finish this entry.
So anyway, i just had a jump in my throat at the idea that perhaps this entry will actually have some sort of impact on me the following morning. perhaps i'm having a small epiphany concerning how i feel during the day to day. But at the same time my brain immediately contradicts itself and presents the negative to this positive thought that just jumped into my brain. So here we go:
my mini-ephiphany is that if things are the way they are because i'm doing essentially something that isn't detracting from personal growth and experience, maybe not necessarily my chosen path of final destiny but is good enough that i shouldn't complain that it's not something more or similar to the times i long to remember so often. Unfortunately, as my brain works, i immediately hear a voice from the center say "well doesn't that just mean that you're settling for what you're given and not striving for something to achieve greater happiness than what i currently have." So, now that my epiphany has come and passed, i find myself simply on a fence yet again about what to do and what this all means for me.
This is the part of my thought process where i get a little depressed at the futility of all this and guilty and ashamed of putting the reader through this only to arrive at something so anticlimactic and typical of me that i want to apologize for you voluntarily sitting through it all and arriving nowhere just like me. I know you'll say (if you read it and comment, that is) that you decided to read it on your own and i haven't done anything to you, etc, etc. But if you know me well enough this is so characteristically typical of me that i'm not surprised in the least that this is how i'm feeling. With that i'm going to stop typing so that my foot doesn't go further into my mouth and can go to sleep and rest my weary eyes, body, and mind. Thank you and sorry for reading this.