a slightly more sober and longer post
yeah, i started typing an entry last night when i was drunk enough to be depressed but too drunk to actually put thoughts down.
some tertiary things that are pissing me off are that my hard drive and computer are acting so fucked up that i'm just going to go ahead and reformat and try to start over again, i salvaged what i could, but inevitably i'm going to lose a bunch of stuff and i hate that. that's not what the emo-ness is about though.
i wasted a whole day away today watching scrubs, eating ice pops and playing my DS. of course i was so hung over and sick all morning that i was in absolute hell between 4 and 8 am. it was fucking ridiculous. i don't know why it bothers me, but i'm so used to needing to have an answer or status report for someone and now that there's no one really waiting for me to report to, i feel that the absence of that isn't what i wanted. i mean, it's not like i have no intentions or aspirations, but it's like the pressure i both hate and love isn't there and i feel limbo'd by it.
i kind of try to pinpoint just how close i am to a breaking point or where my feelings really lie. i'm floating through a sea of indecision and jadedness. i'm distancing myself from these people because... well i don't know why. i was disappointed that there was no real connection when i first arrived due to such different personalities and having to survive off of forced friendships due to a common language and situation. everyone knows that's not enough. i mean i've gotten so many people to start playing bemani and hanging out with me and playing games but i just can't shake the discomfort i have of just enjoying myself and not being so preoccupied that everyone else is having a good enough time not to just leave.
i don't think that i have a fear of abandonment. I've been separate from my family and real friends for so many years that i've never really had time to attach to anyone long enough to fear losing them. and yes i've had girlfriends whom i all loved at one point or another and have had them just ripped away, pushed away, whatever and had to completely modify the parts of my heart that i devoted to them and if anyone knows anything about hard drives you can only change a part of memory so many times before it just gets too fucked up to work right anymore. I'm searching for some way to just wipe the slate clean and not have these scars keep being the first thing i find when i do self introspection. i'm so pathetic, i still check her myspace to see if there are any pictures of her and him for me to hate and seethe over.
my workplace has become quiet, awkward and separate since adam left. anita is completely not into starting conversation with me and i'd rather just have time to play DS and not think about how much i hate the certain classes during the week that really irk me.
i just changed the song to what my music currently is and this song always takes me back to spending time in Ryan's small room trying desperately to stay connected to the internet on his dial-up long enough to download this song from napster when it first came out. just a stupid sidenote.
this lack of talking and fraternizing at work has left me with a lot of time to have my thoughts be the only person to talk to. and of course since not much is going on at present save for whatever hobbies i try to pick up or people here that i enjoy talking to, i constantly think about times before and after japan. it's sad that the only thing i like to spend time thinking about is the place that i just left. which, of course will be nothing like it was before i did leave.
when i think about the obvious fact that i'm not constantly thinking about where i am makes me wonder just how normal it is to be dissatisfied with ones current situation. and for that matter, how many times in my life have i really been completely content with where i was and wasn't looking forward to the next step. if i had to shell out a list off the top of my head, i'd say my first summer home from college (summer 03), summer 2005, summer 06, and the few months after i graduated school and hung around IH. and that really makes me think that the only times i was truly happy were when i was in NJ, the shore specifically. and as of now, i'm 5 months 2 weeks and 6 days remaining til I can go back there again.
things that are weighing on my mind atm:
whether or not the people with my concert tickets got my 3 emails about my address and whether or not i'll get the ticket in time.
how i'm going to send money home for pete and stef
sending home pete and stef's care package
figuring out what kind of job i want to have when i get back
things that i'm trying to pour myself into to keep my mind off stuff:
learning guitar
getting better at iidx doubles
fixing my computer
getting in some sort of shape
k i think that's all for now, the song's almost over and i need to head to bed. don't worry everyone, i'm a little closer to being home. i said that more for me than anyone else really.