Con Behavior: Clues for Free

[rm]

The following is a list of things I should never, ever have to say. As someone who attends many, many cons for professional and personal reasons, it should be noted that I, in fact, almost never have to say them.

Yet, every single one of the issues raised below transpired at this year's Lunacon (either to me directly or as reported to me by

Comments

[plymouth]

Do hold the door for people of all abilities -- it's polite!

This is the one item on your list with which I vehemently disagree - holding doors for people who have every ability to open the door themselves is patronizing and rude. Holding doors for people on crutches, people carrying heavy objects, or even people with their hands full of several cups of coffee is polite and appropriate.

That doesn't, of course, mean that one should let the door slam in their face.

[dichroic]

Well, it depends on the logistics. I hold doors open for people who are behind me, period. Not waay behind, of course - there's that awkward distance where you have to decide whether to wait an extra few seconds or just let them deal, and in those cases it does make a difference if there's a clear reason they'll have trouble with the door. But yeah, for anyone right behind me. Where I grew up that was the polite thing, and it still seems logical to me.

Then I moved to Texas for a few years, where Men open doors for Women. It's particularly funny when you have double doors, and the guy sort of walks a little faster to get to the first one, then scampers aroudn you and scurries to the next. But these were guys who were taught that *that* was the way to be polite so I generally just said thank you. (And promptly tore them a new one if they *ever* dared imply that my gender affected my ability to do any part of my job!)

[plymouth]

I had a guy once accuse me of being a lesbian for going through the door he wasn't holding open of a set of double doors. It happened to be the door I was headed for before I even noticed him. Not that being a lesbian would be a terrible thing, but they way he said it you'd think it was.

[dichroic]

What, you didn't know that sexual preference is infallibly revealed via door choice?

Or no, wait, I get it - you didn't notice him and automatically take the choice that got you closer to him. Therefore you obviously weren't attracted to him. Therefore you *must* be a lesbian, because it's inconceivable that you could be straight nad not attracted to him personally. And of course the corollary is that being a lesbian is a terrible thing, merely because lesbians were by nature deprived of the wonder that was Him.

See how simple it all is when you use logic?
/sarcasm

[these_3_remain]

Really? I often hold doors open for people and it's never occurred to me that it might be perceived as patronizing and rude.

There was one time when a man (a complete stranger!) placed his hand on my back as I walked through a door he held open for me, and that made me see red. I think I scared him with my response.

[filkerdave]

Were the doctors able to reconnect the hand?

(Holding the door? Polite. Touching you? Not.)

[these_3_remain]

For real! I don't know what went on inside his head to make him think that was appropriate. I'm hoping that my yelling, "WHOA, BUDDY, YOU DON'T NEED TO TOUCH ME," made him second-guess repeating his mistake in the future.

[filkerdave]

Really? I typically hold doors for any person behind me (for some small value of "behind; if they're more than a 5 second long walk, they're on their own unless they're carrying lots of stuff of are obviously physically challenged). I do this in fannish and mundane contexts and really, the only reaction I've ever gotten is a "thank you" (usually with a pleasant smile).

I think "patronizing and rude" is possibly an outlier of a reaction.

[rm]

Agree. There's a difference between holding the door for the person behind you (what I meant) and opening the door for women (which I can see how it can be offensive and logistically annoying).

[filkerdave]

Indeed so. I've found myself waving several people through doors I'm holding just because it's easier and I'm rarely in that much of a rush to get someplace.

(BTW, I've friended you because this is interesting stuff)

[plymouth]

If someone is directly behind me I will hand the door off to them. (if I am feeling silly I sometimes even say "here - have a door!"). This is different from holding the door and letting them pass by me.

[phoenix64]

I was thinking about this, and I don't have so much of a problem with the door thing anymore along the lines of men being annoying about it, but I do run into problems when getting on a bus. The man in question could be right at the door and I'm five feet back because I'm fumbling in my purse for my bus pass and he'll stop and wait for me to get on the bus. Thank you, you've just made that bus a little bit later and made everyone wait for me.

It's still interesting to me what the door opening thing can bring up in conversation. That young woman I mentioned earlier who asked for an explanation as to why men opening doors for women made some people mad, she brought it up in a post in her LJ and most of her friends who were around her age were pretty much scratching their heads. It's progress in a way.

[laurahcory1]

This may be a regional thing; here in the South, it's considered polite to hold the door for everyone--regardless of age, gender, or perceived ability.

[filkerdave]

I'm working in Houston these days and notice that. But I was brought up on Long Island, in the NY Metro area, spent most of my life there, and I was brought up exactly the same way.

[dulcinbradbury]

If you hold doors for people regardless of gender or physical ability, you're not being patronizing towards anyone of any ability or gender. You're just being nice.

That said, if you're going to hold a door open for someone, do so in a way that you're not blocking most of the door.

[griffen]

OH HELL YES. THIS.

Trust me, after the second time you run over someone's foot in your wheelchair because they weren't standing behind the door as they held it for you? You start warning people to please not block the door if they're going to hold it.