(no subject)
Oh man, did i ever have to share . i can't believe people read and BELIEVE this crap.
Women have no souls!!
Landover Baptist Creation Scientist, Dr. Fred Neiman, announced findings related to his research into the female soul early this week. "The absence of either salvation or condemnation for women finds extensive support in the Word of God." He reported. "Jesus said that the sole reason God created women in the first place was to provide company and service to men (1 Corinthians 11:9), God determined that men would be lonely living alone, so he created women purely to keep men company and serve their needs (Genesis 2:18-22). Women are therefore completely subordinate to men (1 Corinthians 11:3). It stands to reason, though, that once men enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they will be one with God, and will no longer be lonely and in need of mortal companionship. Thus, the reason behind having women will no longer exist. Women, like the members of the animal kingdom, will fall by the wayside." Dr. Neiman went on to say that, "once men reunite with their maker, they will no longer be burdened with the care of women. After all, women were inferior creations from the start. Women are fond of self-indulgence (Isaiah 32:9-11). They are silly and easily led into error (2 Timothy 3:6). They are subtle and deceitful (Proverbs 7:10; Ecclesiastes 7:26). They are zealous in promoting superstition and idolatry (Jeremiah 7:18; Ezekiel 13:17, 23). And they are active in instigating to iniquity (Numbers 31:15-16; 1 Kings 21:25; Nehemiah 13:26). It was the inherent weakness of women that led them to be deceived by Satan (Genesis 3:1-6; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:14). Consequently, women were cursed from the start (Genesis 3:16). There is simply no room in heaven for such flawed and inadequate beings."
Pastor Deacon Fred warned the congregation that there was no reason to be alarmed. "Dr. Neiman's conclusions still need to be formalized," he assured. "I am certain that our team of religious experts will find some way around these Scriptures." Some of the women present were visibly shaken by the report. A teary eyed Sister Taffy Crockett said through choked sobs, "I've heard of colored women not having souls... but me? NO! This is outrageous!"
Head Pastor, Rev. Ebeneezer Smith, had some comforting words for the ladies of Landover. "I personally want to assure all female members of this church that until we examine Dr. Neiman's research to our complete satisfaction, consider yourselves saved."
This one is a better laugh tho...I can't believe people believe this stuff.
The Pope's Message from HELL!!!
Friends, normally I would stand up here and preach a sermon, but today I have a news flash directly from Hell. It was so uplifting that I thought I'd share it with you. It reads as such:
Last Sunday night, Pope John Paul II sent a message to his countless mourners via Archangel Michael (who translated the missive into English, the only language understood by True Christians™). John Paul II assured his followers that Hell isn’t nearly as bad as he frequently preached it to be. “First, I strongly encourage you to stop fawning all over me or those plaster busts of my head, as though I was some sort of ‘idol,’” the Pope’s message said. “I learned the hard way that my countless prayers to Mary and the various saints (particularly Anthony, to help me find all those keys my shaking hands kept dropping) really irritated God, who was apparently serious about those prohibitions on idolatry in the Old Testament. And Jesus, who testified at my brief trial at the Pearly Gates, was obviously not happy that his mother got so much deferential attention from my millions of followers.
The Pope reported that the conditions in Hell are bearable, though far from pleasant. “I had assumed that if I wound up here, at least I would be away from that anorexic, Mother Theresa, who spent her entire life trying to one-up me,” the Pope noted. “But not so! There she was. Apparently, she, like so many of us, assumed that being baptized at birth and performing Christ-like acts throughout her life would be enough for her to eventually walk through the Pearly Gates. It turns out that we both wound up here for different reasons. I was told that my unshakable commitment to Old Testament precepts, despite the Christ’s superseding words, was responsible for my plight. It seems I had just too much trouble dealing with all that acceptance, tolerance and compassion broohaha that Jesus preached. “
By contrast, according to Heaven’s press release, Mother Theresa never took the affirmative act of abandoning her sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-achievement by accepting what a miserable wretch she inherently was and asking Jesus to come into her life to supplant her intrinsically despicable self and make her a person of value, ensuring that she blindly follow the teachings of the Christian Coalition and G.O.P., without ever questioning their logic, motives or financial dealings. After weeks of waiting in the Judgment Day line, where Mother Theresa had consoled Salem witch-burners, 1960’s Baptist KKK members and Pentecostal child molesters, the nun was whisked to Hell while her audience ascended into Heaven since each of them had at one time or another, sober or otherwise, asked Jesus to enter their lives.
The Pope encouraged his followers to adhere to the Lord’s word, no matter how inexplicable, and avoid Hell. “It’s really . . . hot down here,” he noted, censoring himself (through Michael). “Plus, I have been sodomized by demons here on an hourly basis, though that really doesn’t differ much in kind from my pre-teen years as an altar boy. Fortunately, the quarts of sweat dripping down my rear are almost as efficient as K-Y. But it’s still better to have control over your own schedule and not have your moments of deviance dictated.”
The Pope concluded by encouraging all his followers to go to Confession regularly. “The videotapes of unsaved and consequently Hell-bound Catholics confessing their sins to mere mortals are just about the only entertainment we have down here in Hell. And frankly, the confession booth tapes from those churches within former Cardinal O’Connor’s parishes are better than a Jeff Stryker video.”