Thoughts
This post will probably be a bit odd, mostly posting random thoughts and feelings. So feel free to skip it and save yourself from a shard of my insanity.
Alright, first thoughts. Wow... Narcissus in Chains is definitely different that before. Its crazy, but I like it. Its nice to see things a bit different, a chink in good ol Anita's armor. Its nice to see her confused and actually doing things other than being a withdrawn little girl.
Oh, and the sex is pretty nice too. Reading at work is a bit odd, kind of makes me feel a bit guilty for the intimate words scrawled across the pages. And of course its really hard not to get a bit turned on by it too. Which again makes you a bit nervous, like someone could tell what smut you might be reading just by looking at you. Definately an odd feeling.
This all from reading my book for about 2 hrs at work... well, at the Mariot in E.L. I had gone to help set up our Audience Response system, much like that poll the audience thing from Who wants to be a Millionare? But cooler. After setting it up and instructing the speaker it its use, which is quite easy, I usually just hover out of the "spot light" so to speak for the first 10 minutes or so of their lecture, making sure they have a grasp on the technology and have no issues with it. Then I flee back outside to sit at the registration table thing, and read.
So that is how today has gone so far. I had hoped to swing by home after that, for a bit of time with the chan. But alas, she had plans to hang with her ol' best friend. I'll admit I was a bit sad, a bit disappointed, but whatev. Happens. Its what I get for trying to be spontaneous or something.
Anyway, I'm bored now in my little work area. There is a nice breeze coming in though, so can't complain too much there. Its finally getting nice out.
As for this week, it has been a bit odd too. In fact, I can't believe its thursday already. Perhaps it was the partying a bit on Tuesday night, or the Vampire game yesterday that helped make it go fast. Or perhaps the work weeks are just starting to meld together, a continuous cycle of boredom and work, followed by some partying, intoxication, and relaxing on the weekend. Then repeat. Over and over.
Even after a few days off, I still feel like I need a vacation. Maybe I do. From what I'm not sure. From work definately. From michigan, maybe. From my self, quite possibly. I've been a bit more confused recently than normal, mroe off balance. Yesterday, out of the blue I had my emotions plummet, an airplane that suddenly lost all its lift. I was really down, and I just couldn't really put a reason to it. I was a bit meaner to my cat than normal, and chan called me out on it. And I didn't care. I wanted to lash out at her too. WTF. That isn't like me really. I didn't really feel like eating much, or doing much... maybe going outside and loosing myself somewhere. I don't know. Thankfully it didn't stick around. Maybe I was hungry, maybe it was low blood sugar, pms, emotional backlash... I don't know. But it lifted, or at least got much better than it was. The presence of some of my other friends, especially the other Ashley, helped. Ashley is just always full of a sort of energy and happiness, its nearly always nice and refreshing. Its like she still has the spirit of a teenage. While I often feel more like a 40 year old, or even sometimes like I'm already dead. And that this world around me is just the momentum of life, maybe some echo of reality.
And before you get excited, no I'm not on any drugs. Makes me wonder if I should be though.
I mostly just feel tired. Physically tired a lot sure, fatigue and all that jazz. But often I feel completely drained, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. Just sort of tired of life I guess. Sometimes I just close down, push people out. Other times I'm the one being pushed out. I don't think people realize it happens either, at least not really. I will very seldom come out and say, hey I need you or I need help or hold me or whatever. Its small things, moving a bit closer, a slight touch, maybe a gesture. I don't even know really, but then when people don't notice I take it personally. When really, I could have just been blunt and said something. I wonder how much of that is being a guy, that sort of macho need for independence and strength. I mean really, how many guys will stop and ask for help, ask for directions when they get lost, etc.
And then when I don't get what I want, regardless of it being a particular food I'm in the mood for, a new game, sex, the comfort of someone else around me, a drag from a clove... whatever... I often will clam up and shut down in some way. WTF is that about. Its not like I Was particularly spoiled or anything; so the sort of spoiled rotten response from not getting what I want is odd. At least I don't protest and throw a tantrum (that's 5 damage by the way), but I just kind of withdraw into myself.
* You still bothering to read this? Man, you must be crazy. *
And randomly my mind wanders to starcraft II. Why, I have no idea. But it is. Probably due to reading about it more today, mostly in response to the april fools stuff at blizzard. They always have a bit of fun every 1st of april. And it made me look at the real things of the game, specifically the new terran units. Man, I really can't wait to get that game.
So I take a bit of time to answer some work emails... and then get some more. Wow, more email and schite than I usually get within an hour or so span. Hell, its more than I typically get in a whole day. Wowza.
Right right. Back to the pouring out of my feelings and emotions... or some schite. I just have been feeling slightly lost and confused, not really sure of a whole hell of a lot. My ability to run D&D games and what not has diminished, my desire to go out and do things all the time has waned. I even don't feel like gaming as much. Which is partially true and partially not. I do enjoy it, I always have... its just that I don't feel like dealing with it as much anymore, don't want to go out there, interact with people.. who knows what it is. Take Chris's game for example. I loved the first game of it, all its crazy time warping and tension from practically the first steps. And despite that, I just don't really feel like going to Mason and playing today. Even though I do want to play, I just don't feel like it now, today, tonight, etc.
I also have a strong desire to go shooting. Both my bow and some of my firearms. I just wonder if when the weather gets a bit nicer if I actually will, or if I'll feel similar. That it is too much hassle to get everything cleaned and around, to find a place to actually do it that isn't horribly expensive and still a little private enough not to be distracted by a bunch of other people. I really want to LARP in the woods, beating things with foam and pvp. I wanted to do that last year too, and it just didn't really happen.
Maybe I just need to spend a day or two on a nice warm beach, lying in the sun or swimming. Something to help thaw whatever frigid crap is permeating my being. Its annoying I tell ya.
Hrm, I'm loosing my steam and momentum with this post. Not sure what else I wanted to type, what other rants I wanted to do. I just sometimes feel a bit hopeless and helpless.
Well, if you endured that all I'd be somewhat surprised. I hope your sanity is still intact. I doubt mine fully is.
Anyway, back to work. Or whatever it is I do that I get paid for.
Alright, first thoughts. Wow... Narcissus in Chains is definitely different that before. Its crazy, but I like it. Its nice to see things a bit different, a chink in good ol Anita's armor. Its nice to see her confused and actually doing things other than being a withdrawn little girl.
Oh, and the sex is pretty nice too. Reading at work is a bit odd, kind of makes me feel a bit guilty for the intimate words scrawled across the pages. And of course its really hard not to get a bit turned on by it too. Which again makes you a bit nervous, like someone could tell what smut you might be reading just by looking at you. Definately an odd feeling.
This all from reading my book for about 2 hrs at work... well, at the Mariot in E.L. I had gone to help set up our Audience Response system, much like that poll the audience thing from Who wants to be a Millionare? But cooler. After setting it up and instructing the speaker it its use, which is quite easy, I usually just hover out of the "spot light" so to speak for the first 10 minutes or so of their lecture, making sure they have a grasp on the technology and have no issues with it. Then I flee back outside to sit at the registration table thing, and read.
So that is how today has gone so far. I had hoped to swing by home after that, for a bit of time with the chan. But alas, she had plans to hang with her ol' best friend. I'll admit I was a bit sad, a bit disappointed, but whatev. Happens. Its what I get for trying to be spontaneous or something.
Anyway, I'm bored now in my little work area. There is a nice breeze coming in though, so can't complain too much there. Its finally getting nice out.
As for this week, it has been a bit odd too. In fact, I can't believe its thursday already. Perhaps it was the partying a bit on Tuesday night, or the Vampire game yesterday that helped make it go fast. Or perhaps the work weeks are just starting to meld together, a continuous cycle of boredom and work, followed by some partying, intoxication, and relaxing on the weekend. Then repeat. Over and over.
Even after a few days off, I still feel like I need a vacation. Maybe I do. From what I'm not sure. From work definately. From michigan, maybe. From my self, quite possibly. I've been a bit more confused recently than normal, mroe off balance. Yesterday, out of the blue I had my emotions plummet, an airplane that suddenly lost all its lift. I was really down, and I just couldn't really put a reason to it. I was a bit meaner to my cat than normal, and chan called me out on it. And I didn't care. I wanted to lash out at her too. WTF. That isn't like me really. I didn't really feel like eating much, or doing much... maybe going outside and loosing myself somewhere. I don't know. Thankfully it didn't stick around. Maybe I was hungry, maybe it was low blood sugar, pms, emotional backlash... I don't know. But it lifted, or at least got much better than it was. The presence of some of my other friends, especially the other Ashley, helped. Ashley is just always full of a sort of energy and happiness, its nearly always nice and refreshing. Its like she still has the spirit of a teenage. While I often feel more like a 40 year old, or even sometimes like I'm already dead. And that this world around me is just the momentum of life, maybe some echo of reality.
And before you get excited, no I'm not on any drugs. Makes me wonder if I should be though.
I mostly just feel tired. Physically tired a lot sure, fatigue and all that jazz. But often I feel completely drained, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. Just sort of tired of life I guess. Sometimes I just close down, push people out. Other times I'm the one being pushed out. I don't think people realize it happens either, at least not really. I will very seldom come out and say, hey I need you or I need help or hold me or whatever. Its small things, moving a bit closer, a slight touch, maybe a gesture. I don't even know really, but then when people don't notice I take it personally. When really, I could have just been blunt and said something. I wonder how much of that is being a guy, that sort of macho need for independence and strength. I mean really, how many guys will stop and ask for help, ask for directions when they get lost, etc.
And then when I don't get what I want, regardless of it being a particular food I'm in the mood for, a new game, sex, the comfort of someone else around me, a drag from a clove... whatever... I often will clam up and shut down in some way. WTF is that about. Its not like I Was particularly spoiled or anything; so the sort of spoiled rotten response from not getting what I want is odd. At least I don't protest and throw a tantrum (that's 5 damage by the way), but I just kind of withdraw into myself.
* You still bothering to read this? Man, you must be crazy. *
And randomly my mind wanders to starcraft II. Why, I have no idea. But it is. Probably due to reading about it more today, mostly in response to the april fools stuff at blizzard. They always have a bit of fun every 1st of april. And it made me look at the real things of the game, specifically the new terran units. Man, I really can't wait to get that game.
So I take a bit of time to answer some work emails... and then get some more. Wow, more email and schite than I usually get within an hour or so span. Hell, its more than I typically get in a whole day. Wowza.
Right right. Back to the pouring out of my feelings and emotions... or some schite. I just have been feeling slightly lost and confused, not really sure of a whole hell of a lot. My ability to run D&D games and what not has diminished, my desire to go out and do things all the time has waned. I even don't feel like gaming as much. Which is partially true and partially not. I do enjoy it, I always have... its just that I don't feel like dealing with it as much anymore, don't want to go out there, interact with people.. who knows what it is. Take Chris's game for example. I loved the first game of it, all its crazy time warping and tension from practically the first steps. And despite that, I just don't really feel like going to Mason and playing today. Even though I do want to play, I just don't feel like it now, today, tonight, etc.
I also have a strong desire to go shooting. Both my bow and some of my firearms. I just wonder if when the weather gets a bit nicer if I actually will, or if I'll feel similar. That it is too much hassle to get everything cleaned and around, to find a place to actually do it that isn't horribly expensive and still a little private enough not to be distracted by a bunch of other people. I really want to LARP in the woods, beating things with foam and pvp. I wanted to do that last year too, and it just didn't really happen.
Maybe I just need to spend a day or two on a nice warm beach, lying in the sun or swimming. Something to help thaw whatever frigid crap is permeating my being. Its annoying I tell ya.
Hrm, I'm loosing my steam and momentum with this post. Not sure what else I wanted to type, what other rants I wanted to do. I just sometimes feel a bit hopeless and helpless.
Well, if you endured that all I'd be somewhat surprised. I hope your sanity is still intact. I doubt mine fully is.
Anyway, back to work. Or whatever it is I do that I get paid for.