I bet the people at the Saltine factory held up a chocolate covered pretzel one time and thought, "How the hell did we miss the boat on this one?"

It might be inappropriate to post such things publicly, but I couldn't help it ( Read more... )

I got the following result on an OkCupid.com quiz, and felt like I won the whole shebang. I mean... this is the best option, right?

the Provacateur
(52% dark, 31% spontaneous, 47% vulgar) your humor style:
VULGAR | COMPLEX | DARK You'll crack on anything, and you're often witty, even caustic, about it ( Read more... )

My latest one?  I think we are really lucky Hitler didn't set any major athletic records while he was alive.  Can you imagine how terrible that would be if we kept trying to beat Hitler's homerun record, or his mile time, but just couldn't quite do it?  But then again, once it was finally done we could be proud, and run headlines like, "Nazism ( Read more... )

Andrew has spent the majority of his life in a small American town whose claim to fame was a gas station shaped like a teapot.  He then moved to a city with a red wagon the size of semi truck.  The last year of Andrew's life has been spent here in Shanghai, where buildings are shaped like outstretched fingers toward the sky.

At some point, all the failures, missteps, and poor decisions you have made in life will lead you to the best spot you have yet been.*

*granted that you don't end up dead or in prison. 

I wonder if it's possible to safely pull out one's own wisdom teeth...

Miraclewall - Oasis

Today is gonna be the day that they gonna throw it back to you
Now you should be a certain way to achieve what you come here
I do not believe that anyone feels that I tell you now

Back to the team, will be the streets, is putting out the fire in your heart
I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really in doubt ( Read more... )

After faithfully investing in my Roth IRA every year since April 2005, my account balance is exactly $89 more than what the balance would be if I was just shoving the money in mattress. 

What’s up, Bitches?  My names D to the R to the E to the D.R.E. double you!  As in double your pleasure!  And I’m here to double the education of your little bastard.  No seriously though, I’m really fucking good at this.  Other kids in China?  They can’t line up for shit!  And they spit sunflower seeds all over their chin like some kinda marsupial ( Read more... )