Right now...
I feel very alone in life, both in a general, physical, social, relationship, friendship, everything way right now. Its this really bad funk I get into whenever Im left to myself. Its been building up for a while and I dont know why I cant just be happy being by myself... and sometimes im perfectly fine with it... but about 75% of the times it just really gets me down. The worst part of it is that it doesnt ever stay just being sad about it... It always ends up twisting and contorting into something ugly to the point now that instead of being sad and depressed...im just upset... im upset and angry and really hateful towards things and people that i shouldnt be feel angry at... not saying that there arent a few people that i am not angry at for real reasons... but at this point right now the only thing that keeps running through my head are things like "fuck the world and fuck everyone... I dont fucking need them or anyone else... It just makes me want to just pack up and leave this place right now and leave everyone behind. I doubt anyone would notice or care if i werent even here anymore." It not even true... but i just feel like ive lost everyone.
And its so dumb because i know logically in my head none of that is true... I know that its all just DUMB emoness and me letting my feelings get to me... but why do i keep feelings this? Why do i keep feeling like im so fucking alone all the fucking time. Its not anyones fault in particular... not even the closest of friends and family. Everyone has their lives and their different relations with other people... no one is expected to "have to" hang out or be around me... so why is it so hard right now for me to be left by myself? I mean people say "go out... surround yourself with people... do stuff you like" but really all going out to a mall or anything even just reminds me more how alone i am in this sea of people all out together... and as for doing things I like? I just want to hang our with people that matter to me, people i care about. At at this point I feel like there is none. I dont care about the random mass of ppl that our out and about?!
What sucks the most right now is that im so fucking moody right now thats it already past that point... im so full of saddness converted rage that i really dont know if i could stand to see anyone right now which of course just feeds back into me feeling alone and abandoned... I really dont know what the heck is wrong with me and right now dont see many other options.
Fuck
One day im just not gonna be here.