Part Three
Part Three
“You’re an idiot,” Nikki hissed at him, right in his face. “You’re just… How can I describe you in just a few simple words? You’re proud and arrogant and I hate you for what you’re doing to her, and to yourself.”
Rob just looked blankly back at her. “You know I can’t hear anything you’re saying,” he said loudly. “Maybe if you slowed down… I could read your lips?”
Nikki got even closer to him. “You’re killing each other and I’ll never forgive you. Kristen weighs maybe ninety pounds right now.”
I was trying to ignore all of this. I pulled my book up over my eyes - Harry Potter, one of the safe books on my shelf - and tried to concentrate on the epic battle of the characters in my novel. I had my iPod in my ears, but it wasn’t turned on - something Nikki didn’t know, which I guessed was why she chose that moment to start hissing at Rob.
“Nikki, slow down. Are you all right? You look irritated. Maybe if you wrote it down? I can’t hear a word.” Rob was trying to soothe her, reaching out to her arm. Ever the gentleman; too bad he couldn’t hear what she was really saying.
The eye patches had come off nearly a week ago; in their wake, ear plugs were placed in his ears - with ear muffs on top, to completely drown out all sound. I could see his concerned face from where I sat in my chair, five yards away. It had been a month since the break up, and the hurt still hadn’t dulled. The thrumming in my veins hadn’t soothed. I still ached to reach out and touch him. I still wished that I could murmur the apologies that were constantly at the tip of my tongue.
But I was getting much, much better at hiding it. I barely flinched when he had to hold me in a loving way as Edward; I looked into his eyes with all the love that Bella could muster, and I hoped within me that it was hurting him to know that I had no problem still saying those words to him. I hoped that it hurt him to hear them from Bella, but to know that he chose to never hear them from me again.
I was trying not to think too hard about what today’s filming would encompass - the forest scene, in which Edward leaves Bella. I thought it ironic, how my job as an actor faced me with hearing a break up from the same man twice. But Rob had always commented on my strength and stubbornness - how they were both the most infuriating and most attractive qualities I possessed.
Well, he would see them in full score today.
I had to choke back laughter at what Nikki did next. She located a piece of paper and scribbled furiously across it - writing down her feelings, I assumed. But then she held it up in his face, and he took a visible step back.
It was only two words - Fuck You.
I pressed my lips together on a smile, shaking my head and turning my iPod on to full blast. I watched Nikki flick him off, and then stalk away. Laughter bubbled out of me, but I didn’t look up to see whether Rob had heard me or not. I didn’t owe him any explanations on how funny I thought that was. Dance Gavin Dance screamed in my ears, and apathy began to burn through my veins. Who cared how much Rob hurt? He nearly killed me; he turned me into a lifeless, unresponsive vegetable for three weeks.
I looked up at him, ghosting a glance across his face. He was staring at me, his eyes narrowed. I stared back at him levelly, shutting my book and raising my eyebrows, challenging him. His face contorted, and then he began to stalk towards with me with quick, even steps.
My heart lodged in my throat; he was showing me more attention now than he had in the past month combined. He was purposely coming in my direction with some sort of goal in mind - the fact that I was one of his goals, how ever that may fall, made me feel light and indestructible.
He stopped in front of my chair, and started yelling. I couldn’t understand a word of it - my iPod was still on full blast, but I could tell he was yelling by the way his jaw was tightened and his eyes were blazing under the topaz contacts. I put my hand to my iPod to pause it, but he shook his head and stopped my hand. I suddenly understood - we were both in a position to scream at other without the words being heard by either person. He couldn’t hear anything and I couldn’t hear anything and it was perfect.
So I screamed at him. I yelled at him all of the things I wished everyday that I could say to him - how perfect he was for me, how much I needed him, how much I missed him. I told him how lovely I thought he was, even with the bags under his eyes, how central his touch had been to my life, how I could hardly bare to dream because he was always the star. I stopped screaming before he did, but only by a few seconds. He snapped his mouth shut and his eyes stopped blazing - they melted into somewhat of tender look before he turned on his heel and practically sprinted across the asphalt.
I gaped open-mouthed at him for a moment, and then turned my head slightly to look at the audience that had gathered. It felt extremely intimate, extremely weird that all of these people knew exactly what he had said to me, what I had said to him - even though both of us had no idea.
Nikki came up to me, Kellan in tow. She grabbed my hand. “It’s time to go to the set,” she said softly.
“You two aren’t even involved in this part,” I told her as I dog-eared my page. “Why are you still here?”
“Emotional support,” Kellan answered when Nikki stayed silent.
I sighed. “I’m fine.”
“We know that,” Nikki said, shooting Kellan a terrible look. “But we just want to be here. Just in case.”
I nodded, appreciating their support even if I couldn’t say it out loud. Kellan bounded off, leaving me alone with Nikki. “Nik,” I whispered as we approached the wooded area that was filled with cameras, boom mics and… Rob.
“Yeah?” she asked slowly, like she knew what I was about to say.
“What was Rob yelling at me?” I wondered, both fearful and curious. I had to know if there was a chance, if he had been screaming love at me like I had been screaming love at him.
Nikki looked away, staring at Rob. He was looking over at both of us as a makeup girl dusted more white powder on his already too pale face. Then she looked back at me, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I think he’s just going to have to tell you himself.”
“Kristen?” Catherine called, waving me over. “Ready?”
I squared my shoulders, nodding to Nikki. “Ready,” I asserted.
*
“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.”
I thought I was okay. I thought I had been ready for this faux conversation.
I had been wrong.
My breath came out in long heaves. “You… don’t… want… me?” I reached out to him, involuntarily - that hadn’t been in the script. Shit, keep it together, Kristen.
Rob looked over my head, into the forest, backing away from my touch. His jaw worked together, and I saw the pain he was trying to mask. Whether it was Edward’s pain or his pain, I didn’t know. It didn’t seem to matter. “No,” he said clearly, snapping his dark gaze back to me.
I breathed out harshly, clenching my fists to my sides. “Well, that changes things.” My voice sounded clear and strong and logical. My heart, however, was thumping uncomfortably against my ribcage - it was beating so I hard I could feel the pulse in my concave stomach. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten.
He looked away again, staring into the trees. “I’ll always love you, Bella… in a way. But what happened with Jasper made me realize that it’s time for a change. I’m just… tired of pretending that I’m human. I’ve let this relationship continue too long, and for that I’m sorry.”
I reached out to him again. The coldness in his voice struck me to the very core, like someone had dropped an ice cube down my throat. “Don’t,” I pleaded, trying to catch his hand. Not in the script, Kristen! He wrenched his hand away, backing up some more. “Don’t do this.”
He shook his head, finally staring down into my eyes. “You’re no good for me, Bella.” I know, Rob, I know. I know and I’m so sorry, but please, give me a chance.
I opened my mouth to speak my next line, but it didn’t come out. Instead, I said, “Yes, I am. I’m perfect for you.”
Rob didn’t miss a beat from my improvisation. He smiled faintly. “I’m tired of having to be something I’m not for you. I’m not perfect, so I can’t be perfect for you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. Edward? Rob? Who was that from? “Please,” I begged, stepping towards him.
He shook his head. “Don’t do anything stupid or reckless, do you understand me?” His eyes blazed with tears that I knew vampires couldn’t shed. “Take care of yourself - Charlie… Charlie needs you. Do you promise?”
I nodded. “I… I will.”
He stepped towards me, grasping my upper arms in his spider-like fingers. “I’ll make you a promise in return. This will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed.”
I cried out in real pain, my knees nearly giving out. I thought about how different this scene would be if Rob and I were still together - we would deliver our lines, and then retire to our apartment so he could make love to me and assure me of his love and apologize for the words he had to pretend to mean.
He let go of my arms and turned to go. I reached out for him again - this time, I was supposed to - and tripped over a root. He caught me easily, and pressed a lingering kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes against it, smelling his familiar scent - the deodorant I had rubbed on my face weeks before, Marlboro cigarettes, laundry detergent.
“Cut!” Catherine shouted, but even her usually perky voice sounded subdued. I turned around to face her, but Rob caught my eye.
He smiled slightly at me, his lips lifting slightly at the corners. I’m sure he meant it as reassuring, but I felt something raw, something brutal, something terrible crawl up into my heart.
I started crying then and had to be escorted back to my trailer. I didn’t emerge for two hours.
*
It was just all terribly embarrassing. I did not consider myself a weak person - no one considered me one, to be honest. That was all I had ever heard about; my strength, my toughness, my inner core had defined me in such a way that it was rarely ever left out of a conversation about me.
I guess I felt like I had a lot to live up to, and I had failed every one around me miserably. Nikki had smoothed my hair back from my face and told me that everything was all right and that I was brave and that no one thought any less of me, but I couldn’t feel that way about it. I mean, people broke up all the time and who was I to still be lingering on it?
I was leaving for the day, hauling my bag on my shoulder and listening to Kiss the Rain by Yiruma - the most beautiful piano piece in the world - when I looked up and saw Rob leaning on my car.
I steeled myself for whatever he wanted, and told myself that I wasn’t going to cry. I had embarrassed us enough for the whole rest of our lives, and I was going to show him my strength… every single bit of it, even if it killed me.
“Hi,” I said to him as I unlocked the car from the remote in my hand. I opened the back seat, moving around him, and threw my bag in the back. I motioned for him to back away from my door so I could get in. He did so, his eyebrows colliding. I started the engine, plugging my iPod into the cigarette lighter. The beautiful notes of Kiss the Rain soothed me, and I closed my eyes.
“Yiruma?” he asked. I noticed that his ear plugs were out.
“It’s my favorite,” I clarified, gripping the wheel in my hands.
“I know,” he said softly, like he couldn’t remember why else he was standing there.
I sighed, gritting my teeth so I wouldn’t start crying again - or at the very least, so I wouldn’t start begging him to give me another chance. I was too proud. I wouldn’t beg. “What are you doing here?”
He cleared his throat awkwardly, looking down at his hands. “God, this music. It brings all of these memories rushing back -“
I turned the song off abruptly. It shuffled and started playing She Fucking Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd. “Better?” I asked bitingly. “What are you doing here, Rob?”
He leaned against the top of my car, his head ducking down into the interior. “I’m leaving,” he told me after a moment. He was so close, I could smell the cigarettes on his breath.
My heart dropped. “And what does that have to do with me?” I asked, moving to slam the door on him.
He stopped it. “I just wanted you to know. I won’t see you again until Italy.”
“Bye,” I said tonelessly, wrenching the door again.
“Kristen,” he bit out, obviously completely frustrated by my apathy. Good. “I just wanted to tell you to take care of yourself.”
“Cute,” I said without missing a beat. “I always do, Rob. It’s ironic to say this, but don’t worry about me.”
“And eat something,” he said, tracing my jutting collar bone with his eyes. He always loved my collar bones and how they protruded - he would trace them with his fingers and comment on how lovely and feminine and fragile they were.
I laughed and went to slam the door again. He caught it, but briefly.
“And Kristen…” He bent down to me, eye level.
“Yes?” I asked, looking away.
“Ooevoli.”
“Come… again?”
“Ooevoli.”
“I have no idea what you’re saying, Rob.” It sounded like ooh-eh-vuhl-eye. It made no sense.
“Good.” He backed away, and then slammed my door for me.
*
My cell phone buzzed loudly by my head, waking me up from a nearly deep sleep. My sleep patterns lately had revolved around me barely making it under before being awakened by a memory so strong that it brought me up, gasping for air. But that night, I had slipped into an almost REM patterned doze, so I was very annoyed that someone had the audacity to call me at 1:30 in the morning.
I grabbed my phone, staring blearily at the caller ID. I gaped at it in disbelief before flashing it to my ear.
“Michael?” I asked uncertainly.
“Kristen,” breathed my ex-boyfriend. The one that had been dumped because my love for Rob grew too strong to ignore. The one that had promised me that he’d always be there for me no matter what. The one that told me he would wait for me always.
“Hi,” I said, my fingers shaking a bit. Hearing his voice was so strange, but comforting in a way. It was like being away from your family for years after a really bad argument, then deciding to come home and realizing that they still loved you, despite everything.
“I’m sorry for calling so late. It’s 4:30 where I’m at, and I just woke up. I’m going to be in Portland in a couple of days for a movie I’m doing, and I thought it’d be nice to get dinner… catch up, maybe?” He sounded hopeful, and I smiled against my will.
Would it be fair to go to dinner with him, when I knew that I would never love him in the same way that he still loved me? What would the paparazzi say when they caught us out together? What would Rob say when he saw the pictures on the internet?
And then I smiled wickedly to myself. I vaguely thought about how it was probably wrong of me to use Michael like that, but having Rob see pictures of Michael and I together was exactly what the doctor ordered.
I was tired of being the one without the upper hand. I was tired of waiting on tenterhooks to see if Rob would choose to glance my way that day. I was tired of being the one hurt, so I decided in that moment to be the one to start hurting. Hurting him.
“That’d be great,” I told him sincerely - and it would be. Just imagining Rob’s face opening his emails to see me and Michael canoodling was more than I could ask for.
I could hear the smile in Michael’s voice as he said that he would see me in a few days. I could feel the smile on my face as I agreed.
I slept without interruption for the rest of the night.
*
Nikki refused to speak to me. I took this as a sign that I was doing the right thing - if she could be so indignant over what it would do to Rob (“You’re going to fucking kill him, Kristen!”), then I was certainly on the right track.
“And what exactly are you planning on doing when it’s only you, him, and Ashley in Italy? You’re going to make it extremely awkward for Ashley, I’ll tell you that much,” she complained. The only time she would speak to me was to lodge a complaint about my decision.
“Ashley is bringing her boyfriend. I asked her,” I said nonchalantly, turning up The Spill Canvas in my ears and trying to drown out Nikki’s voice.
It was impossible. “That’s just fucked up, Kristen. You know Michael still loves you. He was good to you, and now you’re taking him out to the dumpster.”
“I made it very clear to Michael how I felt when I broke up with him.”
“Yeah, when you and Rob were just around the corner from getting together and he knew that. Now, I’m sure he knows that you’re single and he’s hopeful. And you’re letting him be. That’s such a bitchy thing to do.”
I shrugged my shoulders delicately. “I don’t care.”
She sat down next to me, taking my hand. “Listen to yourself, baby girl. Where’s the passionate, loving woman that I knew a month ago?”
I wrenched my hand away. “That woman was abandoned, and she has had to pick up the pieces herself. It’s not her fault how she had to put herself back together.”
Nikki looked at me for a long moment, and then said, “If you believe that, then I feel sorrier for you than anyone else.”
*
The morning of the day I was to meet Michael, I got an email from Rob.
Hey. Hope things are well.
I’m actually looking forward to Italy. I hope we’ll be able to talk more there, without the constant protrusion of people in our lives. Also, I know you’ve never been - so I look forward to seeing it with you for the first time.
Take care,
Rob.
I tapped my toes against the floor, worrying my lip through my teeth. What the fuck did that mean? Did he… did he actually want to talk things out? My inner organs constricted as soon as that thought fluttered through my mind. No, no, don’t be an idiot. Of course he doesn’t - he just wants to be able to be friends.
So I sent him an email back.
Hi. Things are fine, thanks. Hope the filming in Toronto is going well.
I’m looking forward to Italy, too. It will be nice to try to form a friendship with you.
I might have someone coming with me, so I don’t know how much alone time we’ll get.
See you in two weeks,
K
Stew over that, asshole.
*
The ever-faithful friend, Nikki helped me get ready that night. She chose something extremely modest for me to wear; I rolled my eyes at the virginal white blouse and middle-cut jeans she threw in my direction.
“I’m pretty excited to see him,” I said truthfully, slipping the cotton shirt over my head. Nikki brushed the hair out of my eyes and didn’t comment. “Seriously,” I pressed. “It’s been forever. I really should have kept in touch with him.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” she argued, adding blusher to my cheeks. “He should stay in your past, where he belongs.” She backed up to scrutinize me, then shook her head and added more. “Did it ever occur to you that when Rob sees these pictures so close to your break up, he’s going to assume that you’ve wanted to be with Michael the whole time?”
That halted me. “No, I hadn’t,” I said slowly.
“No, you hadn’t,” repeated Nikki mockingly. “It’s just going to make him more unsure of this whole thing. Do you have any idea how insecure Rob was during the whole entirety of your relationship? Don’t fuck up this situation any worse.”
I wrenched her hands away from my face. “He broke up with me, do you not understand that? Why is everyone treating this like some sort of hiatus?”
“Because you hurt him by being a bitch about him to your friends - added on to the insecurity that he faces every day and the fact that you treated him like shit on a daily basis, of course he broke up with you! God, it’s not like he stopped loving you, but fucking come on, Kristen,” she nearly screamed at me.
“I did not treat him like shit!” I argued. “I treated him great!”
She shook her head. “It’s not my place to say. But I do know that Rob and I had many conversations where he was nearly hyperventilating because he thought he was so shit at loving you.”
“Get out!” I screeched, covering my ears.
She wrenched my hands down. “I love you, K. That’s why I’m telling you this. Think about it.”