(no subject)
I am in California- which sounds amazing except
I arrived here due to the fact that I lost my job and couldn't pay my rent- after an intensely stressful year my Dad stepped in for the frst time in my life adn gave me a ticket to come stay with him adn my step mum.
So I have been here, sans friends, without my girls, and the man who has my heart became so distant again that we broke up. I hate the dance of a person becoming distant and when you are connected it makes you stepo forward when really I should have just walked away. but this relationship is very magnetic - in that if one steps away- like a dance- the other steps forward. I think Is stepped off a cliff. sigh. So this is like ground zero. Decimation. And now I am readying myself to return home- and must find a place to live, a job, and to figure out what my heart feels about this Man. Do I give up and try dating or do I let time pass and see what happens- do I stay in contact - do I shut everything off and down the road if he wants he can see if I am around? The thing about all this too is that I am returning to Edmonton only becasue of my girls- it is not a place I want to live - it is not a place where I thrive. I have also ended Cockatoo- the band has just not grown to where I want it to and wayyy too much lip service is paid - the sound is not atmospheric enough. I am the main songwriter so I have started a new project called Peony. I wanted something lush and beautiful and feminine even though I love to rock out too. I need some beauty and only my mind can create that for me. So Peony is like a gift to myself from myself. The other thing about this trip is that I don't have my recording gear so I can't express myself through music , adn my Dad lives in a part of the bay that has no late night tansport so It is hard to get out dancing or to gigs. But I have ridden my bike the 10 miles there and then back and it was fun - danced and drank plenty hahah- at a place called The Blank Club. I am not in a bad place becasue I have been stripped of all I know and I still surface to be me- if that makes any sense. I have made new friends here and found amazing art- I have written and danced. So I guess my spirit still survives even if I feel broken.
