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The Universe smiled and said, "Ok, you're ready."
On September 15
I got fired for no good reason.
No warning at all.
A week after the brakes failed in my car.
With two months left on my lease.
Just as I was applying to college.
And had hoped to move out on my own.
You know.
Get space from Dave?
And this turn of events really stressed me out.
So I got sick.
The sort of sickness that exhausts you completely.
( Read more... ) -
Revelations!!
So after having had a conversation with a pivotal person from my past, and one nervous breakdown later, it finally occurred to me:
I'm doing ok. In fact, I'm doing awesome.
I came here for a reason.
I've learned so much about people, about relationships.
About what I'm capable of.
About letting go.
About clawing your way out of a bad, bad situation.
( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
I think that, finally, I'm no longer content to play roles in other peoples lives.
Now I want something more.
I demand more significance.
I can't continue to let it be all about what I can offer them.
I want to know what they can offer me.
Somehow.
Somewhere along the way I will figure this out.
Determine if I have any worth.
But for now
I think I'll just ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
Hmm... So. Today, a not so special day, I started working out. Since it's me, I probably pushed myself too far. I usually do.
I need a personal trainer. Someone who can force me to start small.
I'm too tired to write.
Just thought I'd make a note of it.
Resolutions never work. Mirrors, self-loathing, and randomness usually do the trick, ( Read more... ) -
When things begin to stand still...
I blow
bubbles
on the street corner.
$8.50 an hour.
Beats cigarettes.
But I end up with smoke, anyway.
In the light from the parking lot outside my
window
it billows
up and just hangs.
Slow, familiar and.
Gray.
Inevitable.
Mine.
I can't remember the last time I was with somebody I "adored."
It must have been New York. It must have. -
A Question:
Do you think human beings, "human-ness," Homo sapien sapiens, us--do you think as a species we were an evolutionary inevitability?
Personally, I don't. I think we were and remain just as random and accidental as any other creature... But that does not seem to be the prevailing viewpoint, now does it?
Fucking humans... -
Quickie update
Parents in town:
The first day here they dropped $250 on a suit and two pairs of really nice dress pants for me at a hoity-toity store down town... By the time I got home, a bottle of new nail polish (which they had also bought for me) had exploded and thoroughly soaked the suit jacket and one of the pairs of pants...
HOLY HELL!
So now I have to ( Read more... ) -
Between the side walk and the recycling dumpster, a door
I swear the cars are breathing around me on the street, up the alleys, at night.
Breathing.
Feel a little bit like melting. Like flaking away. Like old bones.
Old bones.
And the cars breathe around me.
Breathe.
It's a suffocating sound.
The breathing of city cars on 14th fills the alleys up full, dirt and sound, expanding.
Up. Up.
The poison sound of ( Read more... ) -
Glitter and spinal column fusion
Tonight: pulled my wings from behind the sofa and, picking off the collected dog hair, shaking loose the dust, I've set to making them sparkle again.
A long time ago I threw my (first pair of) wings away. I saw myself as 'growing up' and felt that forsaking the loud orange and purple pair would be a necessary symbol if I wished a real step forward ( Read more... ) -
Writer's Block: Stolen Goods
The most valuable thing I've ever had stolen was several months worth of emotional, passionate, inspired and deeply personal writing created in the time following my abortion. 86 online entires, some as long as 3 pages, were lost to cyber space on Christmas Eve, 2005. I've never been more prolific, more sincere. That careless crash, that ( Read more... )