sepia tone loving
2006
i just came back from maui. i will post some pictures later. it was unreal...my eyes were awake the full 5 hours of the plane ride home. i couldn't help but think of how quickly the most anticipated two weeks of every year went by so quickly, yet again. each day began at 10:30...sitting on the beach. swimming in 30 foot waves. laying poolside. i won't speak of the LA vibe. each day was filled with new gossip and mishaps. word travels fast in an island filled with LA/NY beautiful, exposed, young people. nights were spent differently. some on the beach...stargazing...talking with friends. and others were spent with severe headaches the next morning. this was the first year i was exposed to a heavy amount of alcohol. new years was good. the majority was spent with annabelle and phoebe, and a brazillian man named romario. if you would like to know...in detail the extent of my nights...then you may ask.
this year has been crazy. the beginning of 2005 was terrible. i was at a new school...and it was different, but adaptable. as the year progressed, i started loosing focus on my priorities. and shit. as a divorce threat arised, my life slowly began to swerve out of control. the once solid relationship i had with my mother slowly began to loose it's values. as my shithead behavior continued, even more yelling went around the house. i felt like anybody who tired to help me or talk to me "didn't understand" or "needed a motive" to say the things they did. this next situation turned my life around; i was driving to a friend's house in hancock park with my mother's friend from texas. who is african american. we didn't read directions carefully, and ironically ended up in south central. we started to drive along as we got looks from people. i saw kids making drug deals..10 or 11 years old. i rolled down the window, and one kid yelled out to me "why are you here, nigga? what the fuck is wrong with your life?" i didn't know the answer to that question. my mother's friend thought nothing of the situation, but i asked to drive straight home. i sat in my room for two weeks. thinking, catching up on school work. i felt to selfish. so unbelievably selfish. so this is an apology. to those of you who suffered from my behavior. and this is also a thank you. to everyone that helped me. and stood by me. even in times of trouble.
first and foremost, my sister, dani. i don't know what i would do without you. the feeling that you will love me unconditionally, despite the shit that i do, is so comforting. when i am weak, you are there to be strong for me. and when you are weak, i am there to be strong for you. we walk side by side. and when it hurts to walk, i am there to carry you. you are my one and only, my best friend. you make me a better person, and i can't ask for anything more.
erin. my girl. my love. one of my truest, best friends. we have learned so much from each other. the laughs, the secrets, the times we have shared together. you are such an amazing person. when shit gets you down, you find a way to rise back up. you have always been there for me. you are the best listener. and always have time for me, even in inconvenience. i love you and me. i love how different, yet how similar we are. i always know that we will overcome any obstacle we stumble over, and get through it together, with even more love for each other than we had before. you will be in my life forever. and that's a fact.
david kursh. i am sad that we haven't talked in forever. but i love you, regardless. you are such an amazing person. you are so real. despite the people around you, or everything going on, you are still you. and i can always count on you to be the same guy. you will always be one of my best friends. so don't ever change.
olivia. collins. one of my best friends. the greatest person i have ever met. you are so cute. so fun. so amazing. every time i see you smile, i want to cry, jump, and start giggling. you step into a room, and automatically make every situation better. you're presence is so astonishing. your ability to light up a room is quite admirable and so reassuring. you are such a loyal friend. even when we haven't spoken in forever...we can immediately catch up and go back to normal. and be LALA loooose. we have so much fun together and we laugh until our tummies hurt. i love you.
georgia. you are an amazing person. and although i feel like we have drifted, i will love you forever. and you will always be one of my best friends. i still laugh at the day all of us met. we almost had a mini war going on..untill we realized that we liked each other. i have loved you everyday since.
halley. my lovely, beautiful girl. you have seriously changed me. my mind is filled with memories of you and i...speaking in our clancie cat voices. and i hate cats. i have no idea how we entertain ourselves. but i have never laughed harder than when i was with you. your personality is amazing. your laugh is audible world-wide. as a person, you are so deep. you express your feelings so well and you always have the time to listen. you relate to everyone so well...and know instantly how to make me feel better. i can always come to you...with anything on my mind. and i want you to know that you are one of my best friends. and one of my mentors. i can't wait to see you again. and truly, you are one of the most beautiful people i have ever met, inside and out.
adler. we have the oddest relationship. but you have become one of my brothers, part of the family. i loff you kidd.
becca. my llama, forever and always.
lily NG. enough said. baby, we need to spend more time together. and i can't even speak of the things we go through. but all in all, i love every inch of you.
maddie mayerson: the greatest person alive. i really do not know what i would do without you. you are the craziest, most beautiful girl. i can't even begin to speak about you, or how deep our relationship goes. we bitch at each other, constantly. we are always mad at each other. but we are always so forgiving. you will always be excited for me, and vice versa. i look forward to sharing everything with you. we are so different, and laugh at everything going on around us. how behind everyone and everything is. we laugh at our flaws, and could care less. i love you baby. you are one of my best friends. i love you. AHH.
niko. you have literally made me the strongest person. i don't know how you sleep at night knowing that you hurt me so badly. it is almost inhumane. i know that you think about me, because we had such a strong relationship, that vanished so quickly. you went from my future husband to satan in a short matter of time. i won't go on about what you did to me, because there is still a deep hole in my heart. for everything you've done. and everything you've said. i don't regret our relationship, even after everything that's happened. i hope one day, you realize what you have done. and you find the strength in yourself to apologize. you have the potential to be anything you want, and i know the world will recognize you for your many talents. i will apologize to you for being so vulnerable. you are the sole reason i have trust issues. i gave you everything i had. and you simply brushed it off you're shoulders. congratulations; for you are still the person who gives me chills. only now, i am afraid of you. one day, mark my words, i will be the stronger person. you may be almost 7 feet tall, but inside, you are worth an inch of my time. i hope that one day you will look at me, everything i have done, and the life i created for you and say "damn, i screwed up." when that day comes, i will take your call.
to everyone else that has hurt me: i pity you. for if you are my friend, i will listen to you. hug you. cry with you. but most of all, be there for you. i love each of my friends more than i can...and will ever be able to explain. i also want to take this time to apologize. i am sorry. but most of all, i am thankful. for everyone that takes time to care[to the rest of my friends]. without you, i would not be able to go through things that i do, no matter the situation. thank you for being there for me, regardless. i am a stronger person now. i have realized my mistakes. and how selfish, obnoxious, and uncaring i can be sometimes. i am human, and i make mistakes. so i thank god, and ask you, for the ability to forgive.
resolutions:
- be more understanding
- be healthier
- be less and more forgiving
- learn to relax
- help children in africa
- do more for the world
thank you. all of you. for this year.
let this year be great. let it be filled with love, joy, health, and happiness.
love your friends, love yourself.
be good to the people around you, for karma will surely bite you in the ass.
stay safe, and as always, use protection.
happy new years, everyone.
the best is yet to come.