[One-Shot ]JaeMin - 'Cause we're all full of lies
Pairing: JaeMin
Genre: Angst
Summary: AU, like a reminiscence of a past JaeMin!breakup.
You always pushed me away.
I tried not to care and ignored the pain crawling slowly on the inside. But there’s just too much someone can bear.
Was all of this just a game? Was I so easy to trick?
I should’ve known better that things wouldn’t be the same, that you’ve never been able to keep your promises and that you never will.
But you were so good at making me blind, so good at shutting my thoughts carelessly. Refusing was my silence, but that was all I could do.
Our words collided and it was obvious that they weren’t meant to be, and even knowing that, I let you pull me through it, to it. My hand feeling your warm touch, my heart skipping a bit, things seemed so easy and clear when you smiled at me. It didn’t matter how dark it was, or how cold and numb I was feeling, life came back again at those little moments.
Such an irony.
Because I knew, I knew from the start that you were going to throw me away and rip me apart. But I didn’t care.
There’s no guilt behind my eyes, and you always said that they were your reflection. I don’t need to see myself through a mirror to know the hurt that hides within them. As I don’t need to hear you say that love comes and goes, that’s life, isn’t it?
Yeah, I know.
My steps get slower once I reach this place. You’re always hunting me, but sometimes… just sometimes, I wonder if it’s you the one who’s haunting me or if it’s just me haunting the traces you left.
The rooftop was your favourite place and it became mine without really noticing. Ah, I was naïve, but that was only the start. I’m glad that walls can’t talk because it they could there would be no way for me to return here and not going crazy. I can deal with my own paintless memories, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with clear images of what once happened here. There’s just too much someone can take… You were right, I’m strong. And I’m numb. And cold like the winter. But I’m still human… and with this humanity it comes emotions.
I’m just not as good as you to face them from time to time.
I’m also a coward, I admit that too. There are still so many unspoken words, thoughts… I lied. When you asked me if I had something that I wanted to say, when you asked me to open up to you. I lied. But you now what… You also knew that I was lying. And I knew that you knew. As I knew that you didn’t want to know. It was out of cortesy, it was just part of your good-bye. For all the years and time spent together, for the memories that should be cherished no matter what. And you smiled again at me, but this time life didn’t come.
And it never knocked at my door again.
Right. Love is just a word.
Would it make you proud to know that your donsaeng really learnt his lesson? I hope it does, if you still care to ask about me of course. Love is abstract, too complicated for us to understand. Out of reach. So we can only trace it with our fingers, just slightly enough... Like wine, It creeps slowly, numbing our senses for an instant and then we’re so high that we can barely notice when we’re about to fall until it’s too late.
Love and life are such similar words. But life presents itself just how it is, beautiful, tricky, and destructive. Love never shows itself. It embraces you covering up the solitude that seemed to gnaw at your bones, and then that hug that seemed so warm becomes so tight that ends up crashing every bit of them until they turn into ashes. It’s fire.
Passion awakes desire, and like a flame once it has reached its peak it dies, careful and slow, it dies.
I don’t hate you.
But once I did, I won’t deny.
Scars stay forever hyung, you forgot to tell me the most important part.
“Sometimes I can’t remember… Sometimes I can’t remember, I can’t remember that was us.”
-Alexz Johnson, “That was us”.
.-----.-----.------.
Quite lame and simple but yep, first thing in English.
-Z.