For mad_muses - May 2010 - 2.5 - The Used
May 2010 2.5. The Used - Blood on My Hands
There's blood on my hands
Like the blood in you
Some things can't be treated
So don't make me, don't make me
Be myself around you
The first night he tries so hard to put on the brave face for her, but telling Lisa that Sammy's gone breaks him far more completely than all his time in Hell ever could have. That night he sleeps on the couch despite all of her coaxing. He knows he'd be terrible company and she shouldn't have to put up with that.
He drinks more than he should, and it takes him a week before he even starts looking in the want ads. Every damned thing reminds him of what he doesn't have anymore, and the only thing keeping him going is that goddamned promise he made. He'd break it in a second, except it's Sam...
And then there's the dreams. He's almost what one could call used to the bloody nightmares that are remnants of his time in Hell, but it's the other ones that have him crying out, flailing and sobbing when he wakes. The ones where Sam's still alive.
Lisa tries to calm him; tries to coax him back to bed, but it's at times like this that he thinks he's at his worst. He knows he's not good to be around when the emptiness is eating him up inside. He gets up, goes downstairs and paces; grabs the bottle and drinks straight from it; finally stops and stares out into the night.
Cas left him for Heaven, all pure and angelfied again. Bobby's still Hunting, 'cause somebody has to. And Sammy's GONE. Trapped in that cage for eternity, with Lucifer inside his head. He knows his brother is strong, but no one can last against that forever... Sam deserved a better eternity than that, and it's his fault he'll never get it.
If they thought he hated himself before, they really oughta see him now. He doesn't deserve this life. Part of him wonders if he's going to come to resent it because of that. But it's his, because he promised...
He finally flops down on the couch, tv on to some stupid infomercial that can't hold his attention long. He finishes off the bottle, gives up and lies down again; falls asleep to the white noise of dead air...
He gets a job as a mechanic, working on classic cars in a specialty dealership. Hell, he can't figure out what half the crap inside new cars is, these days. Computers were always Sammy's thing... Give him grease and oil and good old-fashioned American steel, and he's good, though. Another week passes, and he starts to feel a bit more normal, except for the burying himself in his work thing (bad sense of deja vu there...), and the dreams that just don't go away...
Sometimes they're bloody, but it's not him that's being sliced up. Sometimes, it's him doing the slicing. Blood up to his elbows, hands deep inside someone's chest, fingers reaching for just the right spot that will make the best scream...
Those are the ones that scare him the most, because there's a part of him that isn't entirely sure they're bad dreams...
When he wakes from them he doesn't scream, but there's an itch under his skin; energy jittering along his nerves that he just can't seem to burn off. Again Lisa tries to coax him back to bed, but the things pressing against the back of his eyes wanting to get out are not things he ever wants her to see. He has to get up, go downstairs again, and even that's not enough. Instead, he heads out for a run at oh-god-thirty, and doesn't come back until he's drenched in sweat with his heart hammering its way out of his chest. It's still dark out, and he doesn't want to wake them, so he sleeps on the couch again, comforted somehow by the almost-voices in the white noise of the tv.
It isn't until later in the morning, when he stumbles to the bathroom and steps in something still wet and sticky, that he sees the blood splashed all over the walls and carpet.
That's when he finally starts to scream...
[Author's note: I'm leaving this open to interpretation as to who did it (& exactly what they did), at least for now. I also FULLY expect to get Kripke'd (even without him running the show anymore) because as nice as symmetry is, I don't really think they'll go there. Though you never know... BTW, this is entirely speculation & extrapolation -- I am 100% spoiler-free right now and wish to stay that way!]
There's blood on my hands
Like the blood in you
Some things can't be treated
So don't make me, don't make me
Be myself around you
The first night he tries so hard to put on the brave face for her, but telling Lisa that Sammy's gone breaks him far more completely than all his time in Hell ever could have. That night he sleeps on the couch despite all of her coaxing. He knows he'd be terrible company and she shouldn't have to put up with that.
He drinks more than he should, and it takes him a week before he even starts looking in the want ads. Every damned thing reminds him of what he doesn't have anymore, and the only thing keeping him going is that goddamned promise he made. He'd break it in a second, except it's Sam...
And then there's the dreams. He's almost what one could call used to the bloody nightmares that are remnants of his time in Hell, but it's the other ones that have him crying out, flailing and sobbing when he wakes. The ones where Sam's still alive.
Lisa tries to calm him; tries to coax him back to bed, but it's at times like this that he thinks he's at his worst. He knows he's not good to be around when the emptiness is eating him up inside. He gets up, goes downstairs and paces; grabs the bottle and drinks straight from it; finally stops and stares out into the night.
Cas left him for Heaven, all pure and angelfied again. Bobby's still Hunting, 'cause somebody has to. And Sammy's GONE. Trapped in that cage for eternity, with Lucifer inside his head. He knows his brother is strong, but no one can last against that forever... Sam deserved a better eternity than that, and it's his fault he'll never get it.
If they thought he hated himself before, they really oughta see him now. He doesn't deserve this life. Part of him wonders if he's going to come to resent it because of that. But it's his, because he promised...
He finally flops down on the couch, tv on to some stupid infomercial that can't hold his attention long. He finishes off the bottle, gives up and lies down again; falls asleep to the white noise of dead air...
He gets a job as a mechanic, working on classic cars in a specialty dealership. Hell, he can't figure out what half the crap inside new cars is, these days. Computers were always Sammy's thing... Give him grease and oil and good old-fashioned American steel, and he's good, though. Another week passes, and he starts to feel a bit more normal, except for the burying himself in his work thing (bad sense of deja vu there...), and the dreams that just don't go away...
Sometimes they're bloody, but it's not him that's being sliced up. Sometimes, it's him doing the slicing. Blood up to his elbows, hands deep inside someone's chest, fingers reaching for just the right spot that will make the best scream...
Those are the ones that scare him the most, because there's a part of him that isn't entirely sure they're bad dreams...
When he wakes from them he doesn't scream, but there's an itch under his skin; energy jittering along his nerves that he just can't seem to burn off. Again Lisa tries to coax him back to bed, but the things pressing against the back of his eyes wanting to get out are not things he ever wants her to see. He has to get up, go downstairs again, and even that's not enough. Instead, he heads out for a run at oh-god-thirty, and doesn't come back until he's drenched in sweat with his heart hammering its way out of his chest. It's still dark out, and he doesn't want to wake them, so he sleeps on the couch again, comforted somehow by the almost-voices in the white noise of the tv.
It isn't until later in the morning, when he stumbles to the bathroom and steps in something still wet and sticky, that he sees the blood splashed all over the walls and carpet.
That's when he finally starts to scream...
[Author's note: I'm leaving this open to interpretation as to who did it (& exactly what they did), at least for now. I also FULLY expect to get Kripke'd (even without him running the show anymore) because as nice as symmetry is, I don't really think they'll go there. Though you never know... BTW, this is entirely speculation & extrapolation -- I am 100% spoiler-free right now and wish to stay that way!]