Fanfic, Stargate SG-1, Who Is She, Really?, PG/PG-13
Title: Who is she, really?
Category: Drama, episode tags
Characters: Samantha Carter
Rating: PG/PG-13
Summary: How was Sam changed after being host to Jolinar? Five situations where she noticed it.
Pairings: Mention of past Jolinar/Martouf/Lantash. Also, Sam has some thoughts about Martouf/Lantash, and her attraction to them.
Written for Tok'ra Kree! Round 8.
Prompt: 067. SG1, Samantha Carter, how much is she Jolinar? Maybe do a five things that is different now
Notes: A look at Sam and how she has changed after being host to Jolinar. Not so much five things that is different, as five situations where she is reminded of the change, and how she reacts to it.
1.
It was shortly after they had returned from P3R-636 - the planet where Daniel had become addicted to using the sarcophagus. He was getting better now, and his withdrawal symptoms were easing.
Sam still remembered her outburst - "We do not use the sarcophagus!" It had clearly surprised her teammates, but at the time they had just found the information useful, and now they seemed to have forgotten all about it.
She had not, but she was not about to remind them. It had been a really strange experience. In some ways it had been as if she had observed someone else say it, but at the same time it had felt as if she was that someone. Jolinar. It was, in a way, as if she had been two people at the same time.
Nor had it been the only time she had had memory flashes, though it was the first time she had actually spoken out loud during one of those instances. The memory flashes had become more frequent since then, and she regularly saw glimpses of what she assumed must be Jolinar's life.
For now, at least, the others did not know about this, and she was not certain she wanted to tell anyone. What if they decided she could be a liability on a mission? She readily admitted it was not completely unlikely - what would happen if she had a memory flash during an attack, for instance? It had not happened until now, though, so she hoped it would not.
Since she could not face the possibility of not being allowed to go through the Stargate anymore, she decided to keep quiet.
She sometimes wondered if somehow a part of Jolinar still survived within her - and if she, Sam, had become a different person, and by how much.
2.
Sam took a long drink from her black coffee and grimaced. It was even more bitter than usual. Why could they not make decent coffee in the mess hall?
The last few days had been an emotional roller coaster for her, not the least because her father had almost died. Now he would survive, because of the Tok'ra.
She thought back to the mission they had just been on, the mission to meet the Tok'ra for the first time.
Of course, technically they had already met the Tok'ra, represented by Jolinar.
She sighed and took another drink. Jolinar! At first she had been so furious at her!
No, that was not true. Her first reaction had been fear. She had been terrified. Terrified that Jolinar would harm her friends, while they thought she was her. Terrified that she would never again be able to say or do anything. Basically, that her life was over.
It was said that nothing of the host survived, and according to Teal'c, that was true. Or it could as well be true, because there was no way to remove the symbiote without killing the host. As they had seen with Kawalsky.
Then, when her fear started to fade, she had become angry. Furious, really. She had fought Jolinar constantly, ignoring anything that the symbiote had said.
Strange that she had not realized how different this was from what she had been told. Why would Jolinar talk to her? Try to reason with her? Apologize, even? And she never punished her.
Then Jolinar had given her life to save Sam's. Along with a flood of thoughts - and emotions.
Suddenly she saw Martouf before her inner eye, smiling sadly. Together with the image followed a barrage of feelings, including love, as well as a strong desire to comfort him.
She shook her head at herself. She had wanted to embrace him and kiss him, shortly after meeting him. She had not told her teammates how strong the feeling had been. She had told the Colonel that she felt as if she had a weird 'bond' with Martouf, and that was more true than she wanted to admit.
She had been completely caught up in her emotions when she had held hands with him in the desert, barely reacting when Daniel and a group of Tok'ra arrived. She knew Daniel had given her strange looks, but she had refused to discuss it.
Even now, her heart beat faster as she thought of Martouf. Leftover memories from Jolinar, she was sure, because she was definitely not the type to fall in love at first sight. Or was she?
Then there was this dream she had had tonight, a dream she would normally just have dismissed as a fantasy, if it was not for the detailed knowledge she seemed to have of Martouf's body, and what he - and Lantash - liked, as well as the little sounds they made as...
She groaned and pushed the memory away. Sighing, she emptied her cup of coffee. It was all so confusing, and she could not truly tell which emotions were hers, and which were Jolinar's.
That could wait. She had work to do.
3.
She could still see Daniel's horrified expression when he saw how she had killed Seth, with a powerful blast from a hand device, pushing the Goa'uld down into the ground.
It was almost as if he was afraid of her, even if a hand device was really only a weapon, just like any other. Except, it could normally only be used by a Goa'uld.
Back then she had been relieved to be able to use it, even if doing so had meant putting herself in the state where she felt more like Jolinar. It was almost as if she became Jolinar when she used Goa'uld technology, probably because the part of her that was Jolinar was the part that knew how to use it.
Being able to use Goa'uld technology was useful, even if she still felt somewhat strange when she did so. This mission she had been reminded of other leftover gifts from Jolinar - the naquadah in her blood, for instance, which meant Goa'uld could sense she had been a host. Of course, the naquadah was also what gave her the ability to use Goa'uld technology.
The naquadah together with a number of changes to her body chemistry gave her partial protection against many diseases, and partial immunity to many drugs.
Truly, she was no longer... completely human.
There was also the weird lack of body hair that she had noticed not long after Jolinar. She no longer had to shave her legs, for instance. No doubt it was a cultural thing among the Goa'uld, or perhaps it was just a dislike for body hair among the beings that were naturally aquatic reptiles. Whatever the reason, the Tok'ra could obviously not risk being different.
None of these physical changes concerned her, not really. What worried her was the changes to her personality and her mind. The regular memory flashes she had were reminders that she carried Jolinar's memories, but how much did they affect her?
Shaking off the thoughts, she concentrated on the present. She was in the mess hall getting food, and her teammates had already gotten theirs, and found seats.
Almost as an afterthought, she grabbed a cup of blue jello, and put that on the tray as well, before hurrying on.
She sat down at the table where her teammates already sat, and began eating her roasted chicken with mashed potatoes.
"Blue jello, Sam?" Daniel suddenly wondered, as he spotted the dessert.
"Yes? Why not? I like it."
"You like it? I thought you hated 'artificially coloured food'," O'Neill said, stuffing a forkful of mashed potatoes in his mouth.
"As well as jello. Indeed, you explained to me that it was without 'nutritious value'," Teal'c added.
Sam looked at them, confused. "I never said that! I've always loved jello," she hesitated, as she had a memory of eating it as host to Jolinar. She quickly grabbed the cup of jello and took a spoonful from it, eating it. She felt relief flood through her as she found she actually liked it. "It's good."
So it was not Jolinar who had liked it and she, Sam, did not just remember Jolinar's reaction.
O'Neill shook his head. "Okay."
"What?" Sam said, irritated.
"Sam, I remember you telling me how much you hated it," Daniel insisted.
She looked at the jello, getting a vague feeling he might be right. It did not change the fact that she loved it now. "Well, I've changed my mind. You're allowed to do that, aren't you? Can we talk about something else?"
"Sure." O'Neill shrugged. "Did you guys give any thoughts to my suggestion of having a Simpsons-marathon?"
As Daniel launched himself into an argument of how that was not a good choice for a movie marathon, Sam started mentally going through things she liked and disliked - and tried to remember if her preferences had changed, and if so, when.
To her concern, she came up with many examples, all of which had happened after she was host to Jolinar. Food that she remembered liking or disliking, fashion - like all the clothes that she had suddenly decided to throw out, when she went through her wardrobe and found much of the content to be something she did not understand ever liking.
It was not just Jolinar's memories, and her emotions - it was clearly other things as well.
Leaving Sam with the worrisome realization that not only was it fairly certain she was a different person than she had been before Jolinar, but it would also seem the differences were pretty many. She wondered if her teammates had noticed, or if they thought this was how she had always been.
4.
She threw herself on the bed in her quarters, and closed her eyes. The last few days had been very hard, for all of them.
A delegation of Goa'uld had visited, in order to negotiate with the Asgard about including Earth in the protected planets treaty. Having them there at the base had been stressful for all of them, especially having Cronus there, with the history he had with Teal'c's father. It was no wonder Teal'c had been as much on edge as she had ever seen him.
In addition, Cronus had been the one to send the Ashrak after Jolinar. The reason she had been killed. Sam had had a very hard time with his presence, and as much as her memories - and abilities - from Jolinar had helped them, they had also caused problems.
Colonel O'Neill had merely observed that the part of her that knew how to use healing devices and other Goa'uld technology was also the part of her that had cause to hate Cronus for killing Jolinar.
Sam had insisted that she merely held Jolinar's memories, but that Jolinar did not control her. Nevertheless, it had been very hard overcoming the block that seemed to prevent her from healing Cronus, even if she had eventually succeeded.
To be very honest, now when she thought about it again, she could not say with certainty that the remnant of Jolinar had not controlled her. Or perhaps it was more likely to be another of those examples of Sam being partially Jolinar. Yet another example of how she was not the same she was before her experience as Jolinar's host.
She did not know what was worse, but she knew that she was not going to mention it to anyone else, lest they send her off to Doctor McKenzie, or some other psychologist. She had barely passed the test they gave her shortly after being Jolinar's host, and that was before most of her memories had begun to surface or affect her. She did not think she would pass it a second time, and if she did not, she might not be allowed to go off world again.
She could not let that happen. She needed to fight the Goa'uld. She had promised Egeria, sworn loyalty to her and the Tok'ra...
Sam groaned and shook her head. Not again!
She got up and took off her clothing, then went to take a long hot bath. Perhaps that would wash the concerns away.
As she stood under the water spray, she found herself wishing she say in a nice Tok'ra pool instead.
With a deep sigh, she gave up and turned off the water. She was tired and would go to bed. Perhaps tomorrow the ghost of Jolinar would leave her alone.
5.
Sam let herself slide down to the floor, sitting with her back against the wall of the teltac. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes, as she leaned her head back against the wall.
Her father had fallen asleep, after being treated as well as they could, using the medkit onboard the teltac. Martouf had assured her that he would survive, now when he was away from Netu.
That meant she could allow herself to focus on other, personal, aspects of their trip to hell.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had never thought or wanted to go back to Netu, but yet she had done just that. Sam shook her head. No, Jolinar had been there before, she, Sam, had not.
She again sighed deeply. The memory recall device, and the blood of Sokar, together with now having been to Netu herself, and seen some of what Jolinar experienced, meant that she periodically had a very hard time keeping herself apart from Jolinar. To the point of thinking she was Jolinar some of the time.
The memory recall device had made the memories very clear, and it had, in fact, been exactly as if she was experiencing them at that moment - the smells, sights, sounds, feelings, sensations. To say it was unnerving would be to put it mildly. Pain, pleasure. Everything! With complete clearness and all senses engaged.
Including the very pleasurable memories of the night before Jolinar left on the mission that ended up with her being on Netu. Like they always did before a longer, potentially dangerous mission, Rosha/Jolinar had spent the night with Martouf/Lantash, talking, snuggling, and making love.
Sam felt like an intruder to those memories - well, except when she hallucinated that she was Jolinar - but she much preferred them to the other memories. So many memories from her former symbiote, and so many that were painful or otherwise unpleasant. Jolinar had lived a hard life, and Martouf and Lantash were some of the few bright spots in it.
Right now many of Jolinar's experiences before, during, and shortly after she came to Netu were extra clear in Sam's mind. As clear as if she had experienced them, and not long ago, even.
She had experienced Jolinar's disgust at having to seduce Bynarr. Revulsion was perhaps a better word for what she had felt against the Goa'uld. Now Sam felt simultaneously as if she had betrayed Martouf and Lantash, and as if she had betrayed Jolinar. Her symbiote had never wanted her mates to know.
Sam opened her eyes and looked towards where Martouf/Lantash were sitting. They looked tired and sad. She knew they were hurting because of what Jolinar had had to go through, Pain, torture, and more. While they would of course not be angry at what she had done to escape - she had merely done the only thing she could do - they would be saddened that Jolinar had not felt she could confide in them.
She felt a wave of compassion for them, and wanted to go and comfort them. Jolinar would have wanted the same, she knew, but in this situation she felt it was also her, Sam, who wanted it.
Unsure if they would want to be disturbed, she stayed where she was, though.
Another memory played out for her inner eye; Jolinar, when she had returned to the Tok'ra after her ordeal on Netu. She had managed to fly the stolen teltac to a planet the Tok'ra sometimes went to, and there she had been found, unconscious and badly injured, lying on the floor. She had awoken for only a moment when they picked her up.
She was taken back to the tunnels, where she was treated by the healers. When she woke again, days later, a worried Martouf and Lantash were at her side. Seeing them had brought her first happy feeling in months.
Sam smiled to herself as the memory faded. This, at least, had been a good memory, not like most of those she had experienced from Jolinar the last several days.
She did not doubt that she would be in for a barrage of memories from Jolinar after all that had happened, and after the memory recall device had made many of them clearer and much more accessible for her. At least she was no longer caught up in the memories, feeling as if they happened right now, like she had been a few times on Netu.
She closed her eyes again and made a soft moan. She was exhausted, but she did not dare go to sleep. She was certain that would bring terrible nightmares.
She opened her eyes when she sensed someone sit down beside her. Sensed the energy signature, the naquadah causing her blood to hum, and her skin to prickle lightly when he touched her hand.
"Martouf." She smiled softly at him.
"Are you okay?" he asked, stroking his thumb over her hand.
She smiled wryly. "To be honest, I'm not sure. I guess." She sighed. "What about you?"
Martouf was quiet for several moments, before answering, "The mission was... quite distressful, for both Lantash and I. Seeing the place, the place where Jolinar and Rosha suffered so much... it was not easy. My poor Jolinar and Rosha."
Sam took his hand and squeezed it. "I know. It was much harder than I had expected." She looked towards her father. "At least we saved dad, and it looks like Sokar got killed. And Netu is gone. That's one place I'm not going to miss!"
"Yes, Netu and Sokar are gone. Thankfully." Martouf smiled a little bleakly at her. "I am glad we could save Jacob."
Sam nodded and smiled back at him. "Yes."
He put an arm around her and she sighed and leaned against him, closing her eyes. Sitting like this brought solace to him as much as her.
She did not know if she was mostly Sam, or mostly Jolinar, or just a hopeless mix of both. Right now she did not care, because both parts of her was grateful for the comfort his nearness provided.