Too long...
It's been too long since I wrote here. Hell, even read here. Too much has happened. But, for my own sake, I'll try to speak to it.
It started in Oklahoma. We killed there- not just the basic killing of a jungle before time, but a calculated killing. I consciously asked Her to see to it that a man died. She agreed, grudgingly. Then I finished the job the second the Herald said "Okay." I watched the looks as they urned to see me- two people, one who knew me as well as anyone and the other who knew me not at all. They both went white. I blinked, and wondered why. I thought it was the blood, the sound the skull made when I tapped it and it caved. I dissolved the body, but that was too little, too late. They saw the look in my eyes when I killed someone- and it didn't really register, much less trouble me. Oh, he deserved it, no doubt. But even he, just for being human, deserved more consideration, maybe even more mourning, than that.
It went on. Eris was concerned for me. Cricket, Black Arrow... even Jou. Alibi smirked, understanding. Chance frowned, understanding. But, in the end, everyone let me work at it my own way. Eris never questioned why I'd quit sleeping with her. No one else realized- they all thought that I was simply finding someone else to sleep with. No one knew... no one knows... that it's been months since I was that close to anyone. Of everyone, Winter's the closest to it, and she has more than enough of her own issues. It's not right to burden her with the weight on my soul, too.
So much since then, too much for words. Trying to help Ildiko with the Asylum, but it never happened. Or maybe it did, and I just missed it, too wrapped up in my own troubles to think about someone else's. Mama wouldn't be happy to hear that, but it's true. I know in my soul that taking care of someone else helps heal, that giving makes things better for both the receiver and the giver. When you help others, you can't help helping yourself, right? But I missed that chance, and a lot more besides, I'd bet. I haven't talked to Jou in months, either. I don't think she can stand seeing me like this, this cold shine in my eyes.
Maxi lost her father. I tried to help, but I'm not sure if what I did was a help. On the good side, she felt avenged and no one died. On the bad side, I'm sure that the Guardians would choke on what we did, and it was likely bad for the world because of the Abyss. I don't think I've seen Maxi since then, either. Another missed opportunity. Best I could do was send her to Black Arrow and her confessor.
The deaths of Fabulous and Aaron. Understanding the one, but not the other, and so the one got tried and the other didn't. Seeing One and Smoke punished. Even then, though, one group stepped up to take the hit for their crime, and the other didn't. Neither Mage ever got a public trial, and even if Aaron was the best manipulator in the Awakened world, he still deserved a trial. Things I'd do over again if I could. I wonder if what's come since was because of that?
I've also had folks compare Eris' death and Fabulous'. I wonder why they stepped forward for his, but no one stepped forward for hers. Some of those around me have said that Fab didn't have anyone willing to kill to avenge him, so there was no risk. Eris had me, and anyone with half a brain knows it's a damn bad idea to admit to someone with Fate and Justice at his back that they're the one responsible. I'm not quite prideful enough to buy that, regardless of what Chance might say. I think it's more that the ones who killed Fab had an excuse, based on a mistake, and they've got nothing for Eris. No justification, no defense, nothing. So they hide in fear- afraid to admit to themselves that what they did was wrong.
I've barely heard from Fic, either. She tried to talk with me after Eris died, but there's not much to say. She has her life, I have mine, and they're not close paths any more. Not to say she doesn't matter... that will never be true. We just went walking down our roads, and they got a little farther apart every day. I miss that, sometimes, but I'm not sure that she's the woman I knew then. I'm sure I'm not the man she used to know. Maybe we can get to know each other again soon. I think I'd like that.
Nothing from Lachesis since she and Elias got that close. I do believe her, now. And I believe that he's done the same. Maybe she can save his soul the way Eris tried to save mine. Lathe moved away, and I haven't seen her since, either. You'd think that distance wouldn't mean anything, but it still does. Our minds, our hearts are still human, no matter what anyone says. Distance matters. Love matters. Everything that mattered to us before Awakening still does, for better or for worse.
Why does it so often have to be worse?
Is this just the Lady's latest fit? I know She hates it when I'm too close to another woman... so is this Her doing? Eris dead, most of the rest of the women I love somewhere else... Fate? Maybe a little. But I think most of it is just my own fuckups.
Boston. Zibah. The pregnancy, the birth. Lord and Lady.
Attacking Solomon in the UK. Winter. The volcano. She says she'd have died if not for me. One good thing I've done in recent months. Actually, several. Hell, it may be that the majority of the good that I've done in months has been because of her. I wonder if she'd run away with me somewhere and just go do good things for people?
After one last thing. Investigating Eris' death isn't my strong suit, but I'm almost done... almost. One last thing. I've been tracking the fleeing bastards through Time- they never had a real chance to erase everything, they were in such a hurry to run from me. A few more days of work and I'll have all the answers I'm ever likely to get. Then I give those to the smart guys and try to live my life a little until they find the ones responsible.
Too many dead. Too many good people. Jericho. At least we got the bastard responsible for that, though. Kheiron, and still no clue about his killer, other than that it was apparently Kuromaku. At least Special K signs his name to his murders. If the ones who killed Eris had done the same, they'd be dead by now. Even Viola- stupid from time to time, but she didn't deserve to be murdered by Smoke. Jack, though at least he died for a purpose, rest his soul.
Too many hurt. Sagira. No telling how bad things have gotten in Atlantic City, and what she went through while I was too busy. Kid getting hospitalized. Dagon. Missed opportunities.
Some good, too. Kid coming into the Arrow, with GB as a mentor. Getting rid of Corona Borealis- who just damn well needed to go. Being one of the only groups to drop their target without killing them (even if Tweak did fucking kill her right after that). The Guild apparently coming apart at the seams as their leaders die off or quit, and their hitters go to jail, or at least get seen to be the murdering thugs they really are. Almost got Go and Elias to talk, try to clear that air a little. If Go would focus on the ones who really deserve it, then he might get somewhere, but as long as he tries to gun for con-men like they're murderers, he just looks like a paranoid, ranting across the Internet. Which sucks, because he's right about a good batch of stuff. We got Smith's soul back, and that's been good for him, and for Shine. Did a little practical good with Alibi, that community service that Spectre asked of her, and I got sucked into.
It's good to know that when it all crashes, I can count on GB, Alibi, and Chance. More than anyone else, they've been here for me.
Soon, this will be out of my hands. I can't say that things will get back to normal, because I can't even see "normal" from where I stand. But maybe... just maybe... things will be better.
Fuck this. Too much talk. More whiskey.
It started in Oklahoma. We killed there- not just the basic killing of a jungle before time, but a calculated killing. I consciously asked Her to see to it that a man died. She agreed, grudgingly. Then I finished the job the second the Herald said "Okay." I watched the looks as they urned to see me- two people, one who knew me as well as anyone and the other who knew me not at all. They both went white. I blinked, and wondered why. I thought it was the blood, the sound the skull made when I tapped it and it caved. I dissolved the body, but that was too little, too late. They saw the look in my eyes when I killed someone- and it didn't really register, much less trouble me. Oh, he deserved it, no doubt. But even he, just for being human, deserved more consideration, maybe even more mourning, than that.
It went on. Eris was concerned for me. Cricket, Black Arrow... even Jou. Alibi smirked, understanding. Chance frowned, understanding. But, in the end, everyone let me work at it my own way. Eris never questioned why I'd quit sleeping with her. No one else realized- they all thought that I was simply finding someone else to sleep with. No one knew... no one knows... that it's been months since I was that close to anyone. Of everyone, Winter's the closest to it, and she has more than enough of her own issues. It's not right to burden her with the weight on my soul, too.
So much since then, too much for words. Trying to help Ildiko with the Asylum, but it never happened. Or maybe it did, and I just missed it, too wrapped up in my own troubles to think about someone else's. Mama wouldn't be happy to hear that, but it's true. I know in my soul that taking care of someone else helps heal, that giving makes things better for both the receiver and the giver. When you help others, you can't help helping yourself, right? But I missed that chance, and a lot more besides, I'd bet. I haven't talked to Jou in months, either. I don't think she can stand seeing me like this, this cold shine in my eyes.
Maxi lost her father. I tried to help, but I'm not sure if what I did was a help. On the good side, she felt avenged and no one died. On the bad side, I'm sure that the Guardians would choke on what we did, and it was likely bad for the world because of the Abyss. I don't think I've seen Maxi since then, either. Another missed opportunity. Best I could do was send her to Black Arrow and her confessor.
The deaths of Fabulous and Aaron. Understanding the one, but not the other, and so the one got tried and the other didn't. Seeing One and Smoke punished. Even then, though, one group stepped up to take the hit for their crime, and the other didn't. Neither Mage ever got a public trial, and even if Aaron was the best manipulator in the Awakened world, he still deserved a trial. Things I'd do over again if I could. I wonder if what's come since was because of that?
I've also had folks compare Eris' death and Fabulous'. I wonder why they stepped forward for his, but no one stepped forward for hers. Some of those around me have said that Fab didn't have anyone willing to kill to avenge him, so there was no risk. Eris had me, and anyone with half a brain knows it's a damn bad idea to admit to someone with Fate and Justice at his back that they're the one responsible. I'm not quite prideful enough to buy that, regardless of what Chance might say. I think it's more that the ones who killed Fab had an excuse, based on a mistake, and they've got nothing for Eris. No justification, no defense, nothing. So they hide in fear- afraid to admit to themselves that what they did was wrong.
I've barely heard from Fic, either. She tried to talk with me after Eris died, but there's not much to say. She has her life, I have mine, and they're not close paths any more. Not to say she doesn't matter... that will never be true. We just went walking down our roads, and they got a little farther apart every day. I miss that, sometimes, but I'm not sure that she's the woman I knew then. I'm sure I'm not the man she used to know. Maybe we can get to know each other again soon. I think I'd like that.
Nothing from Lachesis since she and Elias got that close. I do believe her, now. And I believe that he's done the same. Maybe she can save his soul the way Eris tried to save mine. Lathe moved away, and I haven't seen her since, either. You'd think that distance wouldn't mean anything, but it still does. Our minds, our hearts are still human, no matter what anyone says. Distance matters. Love matters. Everything that mattered to us before Awakening still does, for better or for worse.
Why does it so often have to be worse?
Is this just the Lady's latest fit? I know She hates it when I'm too close to another woman... so is this Her doing? Eris dead, most of the rest of the women I love somewhere else... Fate? Maybe a little. But I think most of it is just my own fuckups.
Boston. Zibah. The pregnancy, the birth. Lord and Lady.
Attacking Solomon in the UK. Winter. The volcano. She says she'd have died if not for me. One good thing I've done in recent months. Actually, several. Hell, it may be that the majority of the good that I've done in months has been because of her. I wonder if she'd run away with me somewhere and just go do good things for people?
After one last thing. Investigating Eris' death isn't my strong suit, but I'm almost done... almost. One last thing. I've been tracking the fleeing bastards through Time- they never had a real chance to erase everything, they were in such a hurry to run from me. A few more days of work and I'll have all the answers I'm ever likely to get. Then I give those to the smart guys and try to live my life a little until they find the ones responsible.
Too many dead. Too many good people. Jericho. At least we got the bastard responsible for that, though. Kheiron, and still no clue about his killer, other than that it was apparently Kuromaku. At least Special K signs his name to his murders. If the ones who killed Eris had done the same, they'd be dead by now. Even Viola- stupid from time to time, but she didn't deserve to be murdered by Smoke. Jack, though at least he died for a purpose, rest his soul.
Too many hurt. Sagira. No telling how bad things have gotten in Atlantic City, and what she went through while I was too busy. Kid getting hospitalized. Dagon. Missed opportunities.
Some good, too. Kid coming into the Arrow, with GB as a mentor. Getting rid of Corona Borealis- who just damn well needed to go. Being one of the only groups to drop their target without killing them (even if Tweak did fucking kill her right after that). The Guild apparently coming apart at the seams as their leaders die off or quit, and their hitters go to jail, or at least get seen to be the murdering thugs they really are. Almost got Go and Elias to talk, try to clear that air a little. If Go would focus on the ones who really deserve it, then he might get somewhere, but as long as he tries to gun for con-men like they're murderers, he just looks like a paranoid, ranting across the Internet. Which sucks, because he's right about a good batch of stuff. We got Smith's soul back, and that's been good for him, and for Shine. Did a little practical good with Alibi, that community service that Spectre asked of her, and I got sucked into.
It's good to know that when it all crashes, I can count on GB, Alibi, and Chance. More than anyone else, they've been here for me.
Soon, this will be out of my hands. I can't say that things will get back to normal, because I can't even see "normal" from where I stand. But maybe... just maybe... things will be better.
Fuck this. Too much talk. More whiskey.