(no subject)
I've never been so scared in my life. I'm slowly dying, and I may have been for years. If James has it, it's because of me, which means it's because of my father... And... reading over a list of symptoms, I realize that I've had them since I was about 11. I... have no idea how HIV affects cats, so... Well. I've had it for at least seven years. ...Or... something.
And I've given it to the love of my life.
I nearly died right there when I found out. I just... there's no reason to live, really, when you've pretty much signed the death sentence for your husband, who you adore. I just wanted to die. I've never spent a worse night. I was wrapped in the arms of the man I'm killing, and he was trying to comfort me, when comfort is what he needs. And... God, I do need comfort. But I'm afraid he'll take it all on himself, and just die inside, and I... I need him. No matter what anyone thinks, I'm nothing without him. I can't ever give him up.
I'm so scared that this will separate us... I'm scared that he'll decide that I'm not worth it anymore, or he'll be angry at me for giving it to him, or... Something. I'm just terrified. I know he loves me, but I can't help but be terrified that he'll pull away from me for some reason. After all I've done to him, and all I've put him through, I... I'm surprised he hasn't given up on me yet. I was just starting to trust him after... the other night. When I was raped. I was realizing, hey. Maybe I am worth it. But... now... God, I just don't know anymore.
And... he doesn't have anyone but me. I'm all he has, and he needs me. I can't... I can't rely on him so much to take care of me when he needs to be taken care of, too. He hides his emotions sometimes and it kills me because I want so much to help him. He does so much for me, but I can never do enough for him. God, I love him... I'm so scared.
...I managed to forget for a little while, today. He took me to a park, and it was wonderful. I haven't done a cartwheel in so damn long. It was amazing. I haven't been able to just... play like that in so long... It was so nice. And it made him laugh. It was so good to see him laugh. That alone could heal me, if he was happy.
I can't think anymore. ...I'm too worried about him, and about us.
I don't want to die just when I've found him. I don't want to die. I - God, I don't want him to die... Ever...