(no subject)
I've been a mess of emotions lately. I wish Jeff would come home already so I can go back to being myself. :(
my xanga has been my own little sounding board lately. I find myself writing in it about things that I won't/can't address verbally, but continually float around the back of my mind and scream in little naggy voices.
You know what's depressing? Wal-Mart is already setting up the school supply displays. It's almost as if to say, "Not to put a damper on your summer or anything, but school will be starting in less than two months!" Oy vey. I don't want to go back to school. I want to do something wild, something crazy, something EXOTIC. I want to hop on a plane and fly somewhere, and not tell a single soul where I'm going. I want to make the summer last forever. I want to just live and not have to worry about anything. I don't want to think about everyone going away in the fall and leaving me behind. I don't want to think about missed opportunities and all of my past mistakes. I just want to BE.
I want someone to be proud of me.
I want to feel proud of something that I've done.
I want to feel successful.
But most of all, I want to love me for me.
I'm just not there yet, and sometimes I don't think I ever will be.
I've also come to realization that I live a sad, sad existence.
Jeff is gone for almost 2 weeks, and I have no life.
I love being with him, and I'm not about to change that, but I feel like my relationship with him has sort of pushed me out of the loop.
I mean, turning down an invitation is one thing, but not getting invited and then hearing about it later is something entirely different.
oh, I just love watching the summer slip away and realizing that I have nothing to show for it.
(fuck you, Carroll Community. if you were a real college, I might have some other people to spend time with this summer. I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?)
blaaah.
my xanga has been my own little sounding board lately. I find myself writing in it about things that I won't/can't address verbally, but continually float around the back of my mind and scream in little naggy voices.
You know what's depressing? Wal-Mart is already setting up the school supply displays. It's almost as if to say, "Not to put a damper on your summer or anything, but school will be starting in less than two months!" Oy vey. I don't want to go back to school. I want to do something wild, something crazy, something EXOTIC. I want to hop on a plane and fly somewhere, and not tell a single soul where I'm going. I want to make the summer last forever. I want to just live and not have to worry about anything. I don't want to think about everyone going away in the fall and leaving me behind. I don't want to think about missed opportunities and all of my past mistakes. I just want to BE.
I want someone to be proud of me.
I want to feel proud of something that I've done.
I want to feel successful.
But most of all, I want to love me for me.
I'm just not there yet, and sometimes I don't think I ever will be.
I've also come to realization that I live a sad, sad existence.
Jeff is gone for almost 2 weeks, and I have no life.
I love being with him, and I'm not about to change that, but I feel like my relationship with him has sort of pushed me out of the loop.
I mean, turning down an invitation is one thing, but not getting invited and then hearing about it later is something entirely different.
oh, I just love watching the summer slip away and realizing that I have nothing to show for it.
(fuck you, Carroll Community. if you were a real college, I might have some other people to spend time with this summer. I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?)
blaaah.