[Uraboku] Changed by You
Title: Changed by You
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei
Word Count: 2,361
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None.
Summary: Shusei just wants to hear three simple words and Hotsuma just wants Shusei to know he cares.
Author's Note: Inspired by the song Changed by You by Between the Trees. Written for stargazing_love's Stargazing fst community project.
Shusei has always been unable to say the things he wants. He hides behind a veil of jokes and teases without ever really stepping outside that realm of comfort he has established in his relationship with Hotsuma. He can never really unravel his twisted tongue and tell Hotsuma what he is feeling. He's afraid to say the words aloud, afraid to utter the fears that strangle him in the middle of the night. Those fears have kept him awake for hours on end, left him sitting on the ledge of their shared rooms, wishing for more than just the solitary company of stars.
Hotsuma is always by his side yet despite the years and decades they have been together there are still things that Shusei cannot quite form into words. His feelings are perhaps the one thing that has always escaped his vocabulary. He can't say how he feels to Hotsuma because he can't fathom the idea of locking down his turbulent feelings with sounds. How could someone bottle up hundreds of years of love in so many simple words?
Maybe that's why it's so hard to speak these feeling that keep crushing the space around his heart. Hotsuma wants to know what's wrong but Shusei can't answer him. He can't speak and only silence wavers through the air between them when Hotsuma questions him. He's embarrassed by his inability, by the fear that swirls through his entire being until even breathing is difficult. Hotsuma makes everything look so easy. He speaks exactly what he feels, yet somehow he never says the words that Shusei wants to hear.
I love you.
They seem too simple to wrap around the feelings that clench his heart yet they are the syllables that Shusei desires more than anything in the world. Hotsuma can declare his devotion a million times, but that one phrase is all that Shusei has ever longed for. He's lived enough lives, remembers the past well enough to know that words can lie and deceive...yet there is nothing else he would rather hear coming from the lips of the partner who he has known and shared countless experiences with. Even though he knows there is no way three words can be said in exchange for everything he has ever felt, Shusei can't help but want it.
These thoughts and desires keep him awake at night. He can't sleep, tired from tossing and turning on empty sheets that make the loneliness his heart feels unbearable. He meanders around the open space of his solitary bedroom, creating path marks in the carpet until he finally settles down at the windowsill.
Shusei wonders if he has always felt this way about Hotsuma. He can remember his past lives, but their memory is blurry and fuzzy, and the emotions that accompany the actions are not quite as clear as Shusei would like. He wonders if the devotion he pledged to Hotsuma then is the same as the obsession he feels now. Did he always live straddling the line between love and torment for a person that may never truly return his feelings?
The thought weighs down his heart further, like a sagging sheet soaked with water. He can feel it pulling down his entire being, his very soul, until all the convoluted thoughts are enough to take over everything that is spinning through his head. Shusei doesn't know what to think anymore, he can't even find an escape from the thoughts that are constantly washing against the shores of the furthest corners of his mind.
His thoughts are too loud, open and bright inside his head. It makes Shusei think that the sounds he hears in his head from these tormenting thoughts are loud enough to wake the entire mansion. He's drowning in them, silently screaming from the depths of his mind for some sort of calm in the storm of his thoughts. For a moment he's sure this must be the truth when he hears the click of the door opening from across the room. Hotsuma is standing in the door's frame, fingers still wrapped around the golden knob and sleepy hair jumbled about his face.
"Did I wake you?" Shusei asks as he looks back toward the window when Hotsuma enters the room and closes the door behind him. He's yawning as he settles down in the space beside him, shoulder brushing against shoulder.
"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I'm not tired."
"You're lying." There isn't accusation in Hotsuma's voice, there's just a statement of fact. "You've been looking more tired lately. Is this where you've been spending your time?"
"You mean...staring at the stars?"
Hotsuma finishes his thought. "Like we used to do as kids."
Shusei nods and leans his head against the window pane. The window is only slightly open and the breeze that blows in from the small cracks is cool against his face. He can feel Hotsuma shifting in the space next to him, the warmth of his bare shoulders brushing against the soft fabric of his night shirt.
It's silent for a while until Hotsuma speaks.
"What's wrong?"
Shusei closes his eyes. "Nothing," he says and hopes that Hotsuma won't press it further. He has a way of going to extremes when Shusei least wants it, when he can't handle the weight of the conversation that could follow. His thoughts are still in too much chaotic disarray for him to handle this.
"Shusei."
"What?" There's a harsh edge to Shusei's words even if Hotsuma's voice is like a calming melody when he speaks his name. He's not really annoyed at Hotsuma, he's just annoyed at himself for letting his partner think that anything is wrong. He knows he's still not ready to have this conversation yet...he needs time...much more time. These decades have not been enough to wrap his mind around the emotions that Hotsuma boils in him, to put those feelings to words that Hotsuma could ever truly understand. Shusei still hasn't decided if there will ever be words that mean enough to convey what he wants to say. He just wants Hotsuma to say I love you--but those three words aren't good enough to display everything that Shusei wants to say to him.
"Look at me, Shusei."
Shusei complies because he will always do whatever Hotsuma wants. If Hotsuma asks him to leave, asks him sacrifice everything--he will do it without hesitation--because he just wants to be everything that Hotsuma needs. He'll do anything to be needed.
Hotsuma's looking at him with that look. It's his serious face, his don't give me any of this dodgy bullshit face. Shusei knows Hotsuma doesn't really understand the depth and divide between them. Hotsuma hasn't yet realized how Shusei always notices the hurt in his eyes when he sees the scars burned upon his back. But Shusei still wishes...wishes he could tell him his pain doesn't stem from those visible scars--it's the one's that can't be seen--the ones latched across his heart that are a million times more painful.
Hotsuma's fingers find his own. His palm is warm and sweaty, but it's firm and there. It's a tangible reality, something far more concrete than all the words swarming through Shusei's head. Hotsuma is trying to ground him, trying to tell him that he's there in his own way. Shusei was the one there when Hotsuma had been at his lowest--when life seemed not worth living. Shusei understands those feelings because he's felt them too--when the thought of living without something desperately needed is enough to not want to live anymore at all.
Even though Hotsuma's eyes are pleading for an answer, Shusei doesn't know what to say.
"Shusei."
It's those eyes that captivate him. They remind Shusei so much of nights so long ago. They are brilliant and so full of life, a burning fire that ignites the world around him with incandescent light. This longing he feels has spanned longer than the years spent as children, more than the years that would come and the trials that they would face...it has spanned deeper into his heart and into his soul--his devotion to Hotsuma--it has changed his very being. When they had been children he was satisfied with only wanting to be closer to this person that made him feel alive, but now...
"Shusei, are you listening to me!?"
Shusei knows he doesn't have the strength to do this on his own. He tries, but he's also a coward. He can never really tell Hotsuma the way he feels and he knows in the depths of his heart that being unable to find the right words is just an excuse. Are words really that important to the two of them, after everything they have experienced? Maybe he knows a way more powerful than words but he's too afraid to try...
But where he fails, Hotsuma's strength is overwhelming.
Hotsuma's hands grab both sides of his face and it's enough to knock him out of his reprive of thoughts. Shusei blinks, his mind coming into focus upon the clenched jaw and narrowed eyes of his partner. "Shusei, I'll take care of you..I promise..but you need to tell me what's wrong."
"Hotsu..." Shusei feels so dozy, lost in that burning gaze.
"Shusei!" Hotsuma's so desperate that Shusei feels his heart breaking. Why...can't he just say that he loves him? Why does he have to devour his feelings in words...why can't Hotsuma merely understand from the look in his eyes, in the pain that burns through his chest?
"I..." Shusei's words fall flat as they always do. Hotsuma's closed the distance between them and wraps his arms around him, and Shusei can't help but lean into his embrace. His heart burns from the closeness. It...hurts so much.
"You are my only partner, Shusei. No one can replace you." Hotsuma's words are mumbled against his hair, a whisper that only they share. "You've brought me back to life...I can't be without you. I've only been able to change because of you."
How is it that Hotsuma can so easily say these things that choke his own voice?
Shusei sighs and rests his head against Hotsuma's chest. He can feel the gentle rise and fall of his partner's chest, the distant thump of his beating heart. Hotsuma is alive, he is warm, and he is there. They have lived side by side for so long yet Shusei knows that is not enough. His love is too fragile to accept anything less than Hotsuma's everything.
Hotsuma runs his hands through Shusei's hair and Shusei can feel Hotsuma's fingers brushing against the base of his scalp and along his neck. Hotsuma is pressing him against his chest so hard that it hurts but Shusei's grateful for that...because if he were able to see Hotsuma's eyes anymore he may not be able to control the strangling sob that's choking his chest. He would much rather keep himself buried against Hotsuma's neck, his strong scent swarming his senses and burying him somewhere far away from the emotions that are toppling down around him.
"Shusei..."
Hotsuma says it again and again. His words, his name flutters in and out of Shusei's consciousness. It calms everything.
And for now...it's all that Shusei needs.
But Hotsuma won't say his name for forever and eventually he pulls away. The cold of their lost contact is more noticeable than Shusei anticipates, but soon Hotsuma is moving again and grabs his shoulders. Shusei is shocked by the sudden motion and bites his bottom lip when Hotsuma forces their eyes to meet.
Hotsuma doesn't say anything.
He stares--he keeps staring until Shusei feels as if his naked soul is being displayed.
Shusei is the first to break the contact of their locked eyes. He can't handle the overwhelming surge of Hotsuma's gaze. He can almost feel the sweltering heat of those fiery eyes upon him.
"You won't look at me anymore."
Hotsuma's words are harsh but still...Shusei can't look at him.
"You...are you giving up, Shusei?" The crude tone is lost in Hotsuma's words and they come out more like a whispered confession than a question. Shusei is lost in those words because the sudden panic they bring is more than his fluttering heart can tolerate. He tries to remain calm, but the suffocating panic makes that almost impossible.
Shusei only wants Hotsuma to know that he just wants to be everything that he needs but--
"Shusei...Shusei...I don't deserve you, Shusei..." Hotsuma's mumbling his name and closing his eyes, and Shusei can't think anymore. Hotsuma leans forward and rests his forehead against his shoulder, right over the clothing that hides Shusei's scars and the rapid beat of his trembling heart. Blonde hair brushes against his jawline as a shuddering breath escapes from Shusei's lips.
Hotsuma seems to have already forgotten the question and Shusei's wordless answer. He's drifted somewhere else, a place where guilt and hurt cannot be healed by Shusei's presence. Yes, he may be able to hold Hotsuma afloat when he is drowning, but he can never drag him from the river that keeps sweeping him away into the undertow. There is only one person that can save Hotsuma from that...
Shusei sighs.
Yuki may be the only one that can heal Hotsuma's wounds, and even though Shusei knows this he can't stop himself from reaching out for the flames that have already burned him once before. His selfish desire to not be alone only led to Hotsuma's own suffering and torment, shunning away the gaze and love of the one person he truly depended on and needed. It made Shusei wonder...just how different their world would be if Hotsuma didn't have to hurt because of him?
Hotsuma's fingers have curled around the fabric of Shusei's shirt. Resting his face against the side of Hotsuma's head, Shusei stays still. He's afraid to disrupt the delicate balance they have created. One day it will surely crumble to pieces, but until then he'll wait...he'll stay as still as possible, hold his breath, linger just a little longer--do anything to keep their inertia going.
It's all Shusei can do. It's all he's ever been able to do.
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei
Word Count: 2,361
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None.
Summary: Shusei just wants to hear three simple words and Hotsuma just wants Shusei to know he cares.
Author's Note: Inspired by the song Changed by You by Between the Trees. Written for stargazing_love's Stargazing fst community project.
Shusei has always been unable to say the things he wants. He hides behind a veil of jokes and teases without ever really stepping outside that realm of comfort he has established in his relationship with Hotsuma. He can never really unravel his twisted tongue and tell Hotsuma what he is feeling. He's afraid to say the words aloud, afraid to utter the fears that strangle him in the middle of the night. Those fears have kept him awake for hours on end, left him sitting on the ledge of their shared rooms, wishing for more than just the solitary company of stars.
Hotsuma is always by his side yet despite the years and decades they have been together there are still things that Shusei cannot quite form into words. His feelings are perhaps the one thing that has always escaped his vocabulary. He can't say how he feels to Hotsuma because he can't fathom the idea of locking down his turbulent feelings with sounds. How could someone bottle up hundreds of years of love in so many simple words?
Maybe that's why it's so hard to speak these feeling that keep crushing the space around his heart. Hotsuma wants to know what's wrong but Shusei can't answer him. He can't speak and only silence wavers through the air between them when Hotsuma questions him. He's embarrassed by his inability, by the fear that swirls through his entire being until even breathing is difficult. Hotsuma makes everything look so easy. He speaks exactly what he feels, yet somehow he never says the words that Shusei wants to hear.
I love you.
They seem too simple to wrap around the feelings that clench his heart yet they are the syllables that Shusei desires more than anything in the world. Hotsuma can declare his devotion a million times, but that one phrase is all that Shusei has ever longed for. He's lived enough lives, remembers the past well enough to know that words can lie and deceive...yet there is nothing else he would rather hear coming from the lips of the partner who he has known and shared countless experiences with. Even though he knows there is no way three words can be said in exchange for everything he has ever felt, Shusei can't help but want it.
These thoughts and desires keep him awake at night. He can't sleep, tired from tossing and turning on empty sheets that make the loneliness his heart feels unbearable. He meanders around the open space of his solitary bedroom, creating path marks in the carpet until he finally settles down at the windowsill.
Shusei wonders if he has always felt this way about Hotsuma. He can remember his past lives, but their memory is blurry and fuzzy, and the emotions that accompany the actions are not quite as clear as Shusei would like. He wonders if the devotion he pledged to Hotsuma then is the same as the obsession he feels now. Did he always live straddling the line between love and torment for a person that may never truly return his feelings?
The thought weighs down his heart further, like a sagging sheet soaked with water. He can feel it pulling down his entire being, his very soul, until all the convoluted thoughts are enough to take over everything that is spinning through his head. Shusei doesn't know what to think anymore, he can't even find an escape from the thoughts that are constantly washing against the shores of the furthest corners of his mind.
His thoughts are too loud, open and bright inside his head. It makes Shusei think that the sounds he hears in his head from these tormenting thoughts are loud enough to wake the entire mansion. He's drowning in them, silently screaming from the depths of his mind for some sort of calm in the storm of his thoughts. For a moment he's sure this must be the truth when he hears the click of the door opening from across the room. Hotsuma is standing in the door's frame, fingers still wrapped around the golden knob and sleepy hair jumbled about his face.
"Did I wake you?" Shusei asks as he looks back toward the window when Hotsuma enters the room and closes the door behind him. He's yawning as he settles down in the space beside him, shoulder brushing against shoulder.
"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I'm not tired."
"You're lying." There isn't accusation in Hotsuma's voice, there's just a statement of fact. "You've been looking more tired lately. Is this where you've been spending your time?"
"You mean...staring at the stars?"
Hotsuma finishes his thought. "Like we used to do as kids."
Shusei nods and leans his head against the window pane. The window is only slightly open and the breeze that blows in from the small cracks is cool against his face. He can feel Hotsuma shifting in the space next to him, the warmth of his bare shoulders brushing against the soft fabric of his night shirt.
It's silent for a while until Hotsuma speaks.
"What's wrong?"
Shusei closes his eyes. "Nothing," he says and hopes that Hotsuma won't press it further. He has a way of going to extremes when Shusei least wants it, when he can't handle the weight of the conversation that could follow. His thoughts are still in too much chaotic disarray for him to handle this.
"Shusei."
"What?" There's a harsh edge to Shusei's words even if Hotsuma's voice is like a calming melody when he speaks his name. He's not really annoyed at Hotsuma, he's just annoyed at himself for letting his partner think that anything is wrong. He knows he's still not ready to have this conversation yet...he needs time...much more time. These decades have not been enough to wrap his mind around the emotions that Hotsuma boils in him, to put those feelings to words that Hotsuma could ever truly understand. Shusei still hasn't decided if there will ever be words that mean enough to convey what he wants to say. He just wants Hotsuma to say I love you--but those three words aren't good enough to display everything that Shusei wants to say to him.
"Look at me, Shusei."
Shusei complies because he will always do whatever Hotsuma wants. If Hotsuma asks him to leave, asks him sacrifice everything--he will do it without hesitation--because he just wants to be everything that Hotsuma needs. He'll do anything to be needed.
Hotsuma's looking at him with that look. It's his serious face, his don't give me any of this dodgy bullshit face. Shusei knows Hotsuma doesn't really understand the depth and divide between them. Hotsuma hasn't yet realized how Shusei always notices the hurt in his eyes when he sees the scars burned upon his back. But Shusei still wishes...wishes he could tell him his pain doesn't stem from those visible scars--it's the one's that can't be seen--the ones latched across his heart that are a million times more painful.
Hotsuma's fingers find his own. His palm is warm and sweaty, but it's firm and there. It's a tangible reality, something far more concrete than all the words swarming through Shusei's head. Hotsuma is trying to ground him, trying to tell him that he's there in his own way. Shusei was the one there when Hotsuma had been at his lowest--when life seemed not worth living. Shusei understands those feelings because he's felt them too--when the thought of living without something desperately needed is enough to not want to live anymore at all.
Even though Hotsuma's eyes are pleading for an answer, Shusei doesn't know what to say.
"Shusei."
It's those eyes that captivate him. They remind Shusei so much of nights so long ago. They are brilliant and so full of life, a burning fire that ignites the world around him with incandescent light. This longing he feels has spanned longer than the years spent as children, more than the years that would come and the trials that they would face...it has spanned deeper into his heart and into his soul--his devotion to Hotsuma--it has changed his very being. When they had been children he was satisfied with only wanting to be closer to this person that made him feel alive, but now...
"Shusei, are you listening to me!?"
Shusei knows he doesn't have the strength to do this on his own. He tries, but he's also a coward. He can never really tell Hotsuma the way he feels and he knows in the depths of his heart that being unable to find the right words is just an excuse. Are words really that important to the two of them, after everything they have experienced? Maybe he knows a way more powerful than words but he's too afraid to try...
But where he fails, Hotsuma's strength is overwhelming.
Hotsuma's hands grab both sides of his face and it's enough to knock him out of his reprive of thoughts. Shusei blinks, his mind coming into focus upon the clenched jaw and narrowed eyes of his partner. "Shusei, I'll take care of you..I promise..but you need to tell me what's wrong."
"Hotsu..." Shusei feels so dozy, lost in that burning gaze.
"Shusei!" Hotsuma's so desperate that Shusei feels his heart breaking. Why...can't he just say that he loves him? Why does he have to devour his feelings in words...why can't Hotsuma merely understand from the look in his eyes, in the pain that burns through his chest?
"I..." Shusei's words fall flat as they always do. Hotsuma's closed the distance between them and wraps his arms around him, and Shusei can't help but lean into his embrace. His heart burns from the closeness. It...hurts so much.
"You are my only partner, Shusei. No one can replace you." Hotsuma's words are mumbled against his hair, a whisper that only they share. "You've brought me back to life...I can't be without you. I've only been able to change because of you."
How is it that Hotsuma can so easily say these things that choke his own voice?
Shusei sighs and rests his head against Hotsuma's chest. He can feel the gentle rise and fall of his partner's chest, the distant thump of his beating heart. Hotsuma is alive, he is warm, and he is there. They have lived side by side for so long yet Shusei knows that is not enough. His love is too fragile to accept anything less than Hotsuma's everything.
Hotsuma runs his hands through Shusei's hair and Shusei can feel Hotsuma's fingers brushing against the base of his scalp and along his neck. Hotsuma is pressing him against his chest so hard that it hurts but Shusei's grateful for that...because if he were able to see Hotsuma's eyes anymore he may not be able to control the strangling sob that's choking his chest. He would much rather keep himself buried against Hotsuma's neck, his strong scent swarming his senses and burying him somewhere far away from the emotions that are toppling down around him.
"Shusei..."
Hotsuma says it again and again. His words, his name flutters in and out of Shusei's consciousness. It calms everything.
And for now...it's all that Shusei needs.
But Hotsuma won't say his name for forever and eventually he pulls away. The cold of their lost contact is more noticeable than Shusei anticipates, but soon Hotsuma is moving again and grabs his shoulders. Shusei is shocked by the sudden motion and bites his bottom lip when Hotsuma forces their eyes to meet.
Hotsuma doesn't say anything.
He stares--he keeps staring until Shusei feels as if his naked soul is being displayed.
Shusei is the first to break the contact of their locked eyes. He can't handle the overwhelming surge of Hotsuma's gaze. He can almost feel the sweltering heat of those fiery eyes upon him.
"You won't look at me anymore."
Hotsuma's words are harsh but still...Shusei can't look at him.
"You...are you giving up, Shusei?" The crude tone is lost in Hotsuma's words and they come out more like a whispered confession than a question. Shusei is lost in those words because the sudden panic they bring is more than his fluttering heart can tolerate. He tries to remain calm, but the suffocating panic makes that almost impossible.
Shusei only wants Hotsuma to know that he just wants to be everything that he needs but--
"Shusei...Shusei...I don't deserve you, Shusei..." Hotsuma's mumbling his name and closing his eyes, and Shusei can't think anymore. Hotsuma leans forward and rests his forehead against his shoulder, right over the clothing that hides Shusei's scars and the rapid beat of his trembling heart. Blonde hair brushes against his jawline as a shuddering breath escapes from Shusei's lips.
Hotsuma seems to have already forgotten the question and Shusei's wordless answer. He's drifted somewhere else, a place where guilt and hurt cannot be healed by Shusei's presence. Yes, he may be able to hold Hotsuma afloat when he is drowning, but he can never drag him from the river that keeps sweeping him away into the undertow. There is only one person that can save Hotsuma from that...
Shusei sighs.
Yuki may be the only one that can heal Hotsuma's wounds, and even though Shusei knows this he can't stop himself from reaching out for the flames that have already burned him once before. His selfish desire to not be alone only led to Hotsuma's own suffering and torment, shunning away the gaze and love of the one person he truly depended on and needed. It made Shusei wonder...just how different their world would be if Hotsuma didn't have to hurt because of him?
Hotsuma's fingers have curled around the fabric of Shusei's shirt. Resting his face against the side of Hotsuma's head, Shusei stays still. He's afraid to disrupt the delicate balance they have created. One day it will surely crumble to pieces, but until then he'll wait...he'll stay as still as possible, hold his breath, linger just a little longer--do anything to keep their inertia going.
It's all Shusei can do. It's all he's ever been able to do.