Boys don't cry OO9
doojoon/yoseob (main)
junhyung/hyunseung ; dongwoon/gikwang
Alternative Universe ; Angst ; Drama
NC-17
A life that slowly kills him. Wounds from a remote past that won't ever heal.
Chapter OO1 | Chapter OO2 | Chapter OO3 | Chapter OO4 | Chapter OO5 | Chapter OO6 | Chapter OO7 | Chapter OO8
i'm the worst human being ever :( i'm sorry for this late update (it's been 3 months but i finally managed to write the next part!!! yay! just i hope you'll like it :( my english is failing since it's been a while without writing...
thanks caramel_chai for beta-ing me ^^ like always)
boys don't cry
(chapter oo8)
My house is still the same in case you want to come and find me again
Just in case you still remember my name…
A hole has just gone through yoseob’s chest, but he has become too numb to feel anything anymore. He lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling, blankly, not being able to fall asleep.
His feelings didn’t change at all, just as he thought. They are still there, making his life a bigger struggle than it already is. And now he notices that the piece of his heart that is missing hurts so much inside, a pain that his ribs probably won’t be able to hold back.
But as he totters at the edge of the sleep, the bell rings. It’s probably past midnight, who could it be at this time? Yoseob wasn’t waiting for anyone, much less at these hours -in fact, he was never waiting for anyone, though sometimes gikwang shows up at the apartment, but not at these hours-
Yoseob gets off his bed and bumps into several humps which are supposed to be his things spread around his room. He turns on a faint light and opens the front door while rubbing one of his eyes.
He widens his eyes until the point where they almost pops out from their hollows, because he was expecting to find anything but him there.
Yoon doojoon was standing below the door’s frame. The lights from the hallway made it difficult to make out more than his silhouette, but yoseob knew he was smiling, probably amused by his reaction.
“Can I come in?”
Yoseob had to shut the door in his nose, or maybe give him a good pair of slaps, or tell him who the hell do you think you are to come whenever you want? But he didn’t, because he’s a fool, foolish enough to let him in his life again.
Yoseob diverted his glance, embarrassed “Sure.” And moved away.
Yoon doojoon came in and left his shoes in the entrance. He was wearing the same clothes he wore in the coffee shop. When he lifted his eyes, doojoon saw a confused yoseob standing a few meters away from him, saying no words.
“is this a bad time? I can come back tomorrow” he said. And of course it’s a bad time when it’s past midnight but yoseob shook his head in signal it was okay; he wasn’t sleeping after all.
Yoseob wanted to ask him why it took him so long to come but words just didn’t come out from his mouth. Doojoon stared at him, the lack of light didn’t let the shortie to tell apart what kind of glance it was.
“There’s something I have to tell you” he said and yoseob covered his ears almost instinctively in order to protect his heart from another (deep) crack on his heart. No, doojoon, he doesn’t want to hear it, he doesn’t want to hear you’re gonna desert him because you already have a girlfriend and you love her like no there, that you both are happy together. Yoseob doesn’t want to hear it, even when he already know it’s true, because true hurts so much…
Doojoon came towards him and tried to take his hands off their ears. “yoseob, listen to me” but even a strong grip around his wrist wasn’t enough. Yoseob was decided to not hear a word. “Please” he begged, and the shorter one shook his head. “Please, don’t be stubborn”
“I’m not stubborn!” he cried and doojoon noticed he was having a hard time trying to fight back his tears. “I don’t wanna hear you, ‘cause I know it’s gonna hurt, ‘cause I know I will still love you even though you say this cannot be, ‘cause I know I don’t care if you have a girlfriend or not… I just… need you… I don’t want to be alone again… ‘cause it hurts, doojoon, it hurts to wait someone without you knowing if he’s going to come back. Is it too hard to comprehend?”
Doojoon didn’t move any single muscle, or at least, that was what yoseob believed, because he had his ears covered and his eyes shut in order to not hear the true nor face the moment where doojoon leaves through the same door he came, this time, maybe, forever.
“yoseob…” he said in a barely perceptible voice, as if he just wanted the shortie to hear him, even when there was no one around to hear them. “do you really… love me?”
Yoseob’s heart was beating with such violence against his ribs that was afraid doojoon would hear.
He nodded.
And doojoon let off the grip around his wrist.
It’s done. Now he’s gonna leave and disappear… forever.
“I’m sorry” he said and yoseob opened his eyes. Doojoon was still in front of him.
“w-why…” yoseob said, uncovering his ears little by little.
“just… forgive me…” he said, lowering his eyes. “I didn’t have to appear in your life if i was going to give you such grief… I… didn’t know… I think the best now is to disa...”
“No!” yoseob reacted in the instant he felt the word disappear close, so close to become a reality. “please, don’t. I don’t care if you have someone else, I need you, and I won’t be able to survive if you leave me again. Please, don’t, please…” it was so pathetic the way he begged at him, the way now he made a strong grip around doojoon’s arms, as if he was trying to make him stay. Thick tears were running down his cheeks while he tightened the grip around his clothes. “please…” he cried and doojoon put his arms around him, pulling yoseob’s body closer.
“it’s okay…” he tried to calm him down “it’s okay, it’s okay… don’t cry…” he said as yoseob buried his face in his chest and small spasms shook his back. “it’s okay, baby, I’m not going anywhere tonight…”
Doojoon couldn’t believe his own words, but he just can’t leave like that, not now, now that he knows it’s all his fault.
__________
It’s still quite late to receive a call (or quite early, it depends) and junhyung has been waiting for it all night long, until he fell asleep over his bed in a strange position, with his clothes on and the phone between his hand.
When the phone starts ringing, he didn’t understand at first from where the sounds come from and gives a start in the confusion (and there’s when he notices how much his back hurts because of that weird position). When he sees the flashing screen of the pone as the only light in the dark room, his cell brains realizes it’s a call, and he’s supposed to answer, but he doesn’t remember there’s a boy called hyunseung, that he wrote him his number on the bill and he waited for his call all night long, wondering if perhaps he didn’t even see the paper.
He doesn’t remember, and he still wanders in the edge between sleep and reality, so he acts mechanically and picks up.
“yoboseyo?” he rubs one of his eyes. There’s silence at the other side of the line, as if the one calling were holding his breath. “yoboseyo?” he asks again.
“h-hi” there’s a shy response from the other side, and at first junhyung thought it was a girl’s voice.
“who is it?” he asks, kind of rudely. But what kind of response you expect to have when you call at three in the morning?
“who I a-?” then junhyung realizes it’s not a girl, but a boy, and the guy sounds confused at first, next he hears the sound that a giggle makes “are you waiting for someone else, joker?”
Junhyung blinks.
“is it you, batman?”
“NO, IDIOT”
“Then…”
“This is hyunseung”
That name echoes inside junhyung’s head and several images of this guy at the other side of the line flashes in front of his eyes. (and he suddenly remembers the series of numbers written with smeared ink, written in a rush so doojoon wouldn’t notice)
And he suddenly remembers what this whole thing is about.
“… are you still there?” asks the other line. Junhyung shakes his head trying to go back to reality.
“yea…”
“sorry for the late call. I just didn’t want you to think I wasn’t going to call”
“too late” junhyung mumbles, as a little smile appears in the corner of his lips.
“don’t be like that!” he says, and junhyung kind of wants to believe hyunseung pouting at the other side of the line “I called… late… but I did…” junhyung chuckled and rested his back against the wall. He was amused by the course of the talk.
“why are you awake at these hours… anyway...”
“I… couldn’t fall asleep”
“so you woke up me”
“yea, so I called you” he smiled. “hey…” he said in a mumble, and the joker suddenly felt his face burning, because that hey sounded too intimate for his own good. “you aren’t going to tell me your name, are you?”
Junhyung lifted an eyebrow in the room’s darkness.
“No”
“Yah! What’s the point trying to hide your name?” hyunseung kind of tried to act mad, but junhyung didn’t believe him at all. “you know I can find it out at the university”
“Really? Try it” he defied.
“Wait and see”
“Can’t wait”
(hyunseung, at the other side of the line, thought that joker’s voice sounded better through the phone than in real life, maybe because he was talking only with him and the words he used were only for him)
“is this your number” he asked, bringing hyunseung back to reality.
“my w-? oh, yeah it is…
“I’ll save it then, hum, what was your name?” he asked.
And Hyunseung kind of felt the phone sliding off his hands. And a huge empty space in his stomach.
“my name?” he asked with a low voice “… I thought you k…” and he realized joker was just kidding when he heard a chuckle from the other side.
“I was joking, hyunseung.”
(and why his own name sounds even better between his lips?)
“That. Was. Not. Funny.”
“You think?
“Whatever. Go to sleep.
“Yeah, we should go to sleep already. It’s freaking late.” Hyunseung kind of forgot how to speak after the joker said ‘we’.
“Y-yes… I think…” he wasn’t sure what to say next, but somehow, one was waiting for the other one to say the last words, and hyunseung didn’t want to say good bye, but he did, at the end “then, bye…”
“Good night”
Even when the line died, hyunseung kept his phone against his ear, unable to breathe.
That was real?
“It’s all your fault, dongwoon-ah” he said, ‘cause it was because of the younger’s insistence that he called in the end. Hyunseung didn’t care it was late at night, he didn’t care if he were busy with gikwang or in the middle of his sleep, he texted dongwoon anyway, because he deserves being interrupted.
Gikwang hears the buzz of the phone in the night stand. He thinks at first that it’s dongwoon, calling at his own number (‘cause it’s 3 in the morning already and he still doesn’t come back home), but it’s just hyunseung.
He rests his head again against the pillow, but he doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, because he knows upfront he won’t be able to fall asleep if dongwoon is not by his side.
He said their friends arranged a party in a club, but he’s not keen on them, so he assured he’ll come back soon, but it’s three in the morning and he’s still somewhere else outside.
It’s not as if gikwang doesn’t trust dongwoon, sometimes he’ll go out with his friends and everything is okay, even when he wakes up the next morning with a killing hangover and the older has to take care of him (“I told you to not drink that much, sweetie, do you remember?”)
But, now, why does he feel so nervous?
junhyung/hyunseung ; dongwoon/gikwang
Alternative Universe ; Angst ; Drama
NC-17
A life that slowly kills him. Wounds from a remote past that won't ever heal.
Chapter OO1 | Chapter OO2 | Chapter OO3 | Chapter OO4 | Chapter OO5 | Chapter OO6 | Chapter OO7 | Chapter OO8
i'm the worst human being ever :( i'm sorry for this late update (it's been 3 months but i finally managed to write the next part!!! yay! just i hope you'll like it :( my english is failing since it's been a while without writing...
thanks caramel_chai for beta-ing me ^^ like always)
boys don't cry
(chapter oo8)
My house is still the same in case you want to come and find me again
Just in case you still remember my name…
A hole has just gone through yoseob’s chest, but he has become too numb to feel anything anymore. He lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling, blankly, not being able to fall asleep.
His feelings didn’t change at all, just as he thought. They are still there, making his life a bigger struggle than it already is. And now he notices that the piece of his heart that is missing hurts so much inside, a pain that his ribs probably won’t be able to hold back.
But as he totters at the edge of the sleep, the bell rings. It’s probably past midnight, who could it be at this time? Yoseob wasn’t waiting for anyone, much less at these hours -in fact, he was never waiting for anyone, though sometimes gikwang shows up at the apartment, but not at these hours-
Yoseob gets off his bed and bumps into several humps which are supposed to be his things spread around his room. He turns on a faint light and opens the front door while rubbing one of his eyes.
He widens his eyes until the point where they almost pops out from their hollows, because he was expecting to find anything but him there.
Yoon doojoon was standing below the door’s frame. The lights from the hallway made it difficult to make out more than his silhouette, but yoseob knew he was smiling, probably amused by his reaction.
“Can I come in?”
Yoseob had to shut the door in his nose, or maybe give him a good pair of slaps, or tell him who the hell do you think you are to come whenever you want? But he didn’t, because he’s a fool, foolish enough to let him in his life again.
Yoseob diverted his glance, embarrassed “Sure.” And moved away.
Yoon doojoon came in and left his shoes in the entrance. He was wearing the same clothes he wore in the coffee shop. When he lifted his eyes, doojoon saw a confused yoseob standing a few meters away from him, saying no words.
“is this a bad time? I can come back tomorrow” he said. And of course it’s a bad time when it’s past midnight but yoseob shook his head in signal it was okay; he wasn’t sleeping after all.
Yoseob wanted to ask him why it took him so long to come but words just didn’t come out from his mouth. Doojoon stared at him, the lack of light didn’t let the shortie to tell apart what kind of glance it was.
“There’s something I have to tell you” he said and yoseob covered his ears almost instinctively in order to protect his heart from another (deep) crack on his heart. No, doojoon, he doesn’t want to hear it, he doesn’t want to hear you’re gonna desert him because you already have a girlfriend and you love her like no there, that you both are happy together. Yoseob doesn’t want to hear it, even when he already know it’s true, because true hurts so much…
Doojoon came towards him and tried to take his hands off their ears. “yoseob, listen to me” but even a strong grip around his wrist wasn’t enough. Yoseob was decided to not hear a word. “Please” he begged, and the shorter one shook his head. “Please, don’t be stubborn”
“I’m not stubborn!” he cried and doojoon noticed he was having a hard time trying to fight back his tears. “I don’t wanna hear you, ‘cause I know it’s gonna hurt, ‘cause I know I will still love you even though you say this cannot be, ‘cause I know I don’t care if you have a girlfriend or not… I just… need you… I don’t want to be alone again… ‘cause it hurts, doojoon, it hurts to wait someone without you knowing if he’s going to come back. Is it too hard to comprehend?”
Doojoon didn’t move any single muscle, or at least, that was what yoseob believed, because he had his ears covered and his eyes shut in order to not hear the true nor face the moment where doojoon leaves through the same door he came, this time, maybe, forever.
“yoseob…” he said in a barely perceptible voice, as if he just wanted the shortie to hear him, even when there was no one around to hear them. “do you really… love me?”
Yoseob’s heart was beating with such violence against his ribs that was afraid doojoon would hear.
He nodded.
And doojoon let off the grip around his wrist.
It’s done. Now he’s gonna leave and disappear… forever.
“I’m sorry” he said and yoseob opened his eyes. Doojoon was still in front of him.
“w-why…” yoseob said, uncovering his ears little by little.
“just… forgive me…” he said, lowering his eyes. “I didn’t have to appear in your life if i was going to give you such grief… I… didn’t know… I think the best now is to disa...”
“No!” yoseob reacted in the instant he felt the word disappear close, so close to become a reality. “please, don’t. I don’t care if you have someone else, I need you, and I won’t be able to survive if you leave me again. Please, don’t, please…” it was so pathetic the way he begged at him, the way now he made a strong grip around doojoon’s arms, as if he was trying to make him stay. Thick tears were running down his cheeks while he tightened the grip around his clothes. “please…” he cried and doojoon put his arms around him, pulling yoseob’s body closer.
“it’s okay…” he tried to calm him down “it’s okay, it’s okay… don’t cry…” he said as yoseob buried his face in his chest and small spasms shook his back. “it’s okay, baby, I’m not going anywhere tonight…”
Doojoon couldn’t believe his own words, but he just can’t leave like that, not now, now that he knows it’s all his fault.
__________
It’s still quite late to receive a call (or quite early, it depends) and junhyung has been waiting for it all night long, until he fell asleep over his bed in a strange position, with his clothes on and the phone between his hand.
When the phone starts ringing, he didn’t understand at first from where the sounds come from and gives a start in the confusion (and there’s when he notices how much his back hurts because of that weird position). When he sees the flashing screen of the pone as the only light in the dark room, his cell brains realizes it’s a call, and he’s supposed to answer, but he doesn’t remember there’s a boy called hyunseung, that he wrote him his number on the bill and he waited for his call all night long, wondering if perhaps he didn’t even see the paper.
He doesn’t remember, and he still wanders in the edge between sleep and reality, so he acts mechanically and picks up.
“yoboseyo?” he rubs one of his eyes. There’s silence at the other side of the line, as if the one calling were holding his breath. “yoboseyo?” he asks again.
“h-hi” there’s a shy response from the other side, and at first junhyung thought it was a girl’s voice.
“who is it?” he asks, kind of rudely. But what kind of response you expect to have when you call at three in the morning?
“who I a-?” then junhyung realizes it’s not a girl, but a boy, and the guy sounds confused at first, next he hears the sound that a giggle makes “are you waiting for someone else, joker?”
Junhyung blinks.
“is it you, batman?”
“NO, IDIOT”
“Then…”
“This is hyunseung”
That name echoes inside junhyung’s head and several images of this guy at the other side of the line flashes in front of his eyes. (and he suddenly remembers the series of numbers written with smeared ink, written in a rush so doojoon wouldn’t notice)
And he suddenly remembers what this whole thing is about.
“… are you still there?” asks the other line. Junhyung shakes his head trying to go back to reality.
“yea…”
“sorry for the late call. I just didn’t want you to think I wasn’t going to call”
“too late” junhyung mumbles, as a little smile appears in the corner of his lips.
“don’t be like that!” he says, and junhyung kind of wants to believe hyunseung pouting at the other side of the line “I called… late… but I did…” junhyung chuckled and rested his back against the wall. He was amused by the course of the talk.
“why are you awake at these hours… anyway...”
“I… couldn’t fall asleep”
“so you woke up me”
“yea, so I called you” he smiled. “hey…” he said in a mumble, and the joker suddenly felt his face burning, because that hey sounded too intimate for his own good. “you aren’t going to tell me your name, are you?”
Junhyung lifted an eyebrow in the room’s darkness.
“No”
“Yah! What’s the point trying to hide your name?” hyunseung kind of tried to act mad, but junhyung didn’t believe him at all. “you know I can find it out at the university”
“Really? Try it” he defied.
“Wait and see”
“Can’t wait”
(hyunseung, at the other side of the line, thought that joker’s voice sounded better through the phone than in real life, maybe because he was talking only with him and the words he used were only for him)
“is this your number” he asked, bringing hyunseung back to reality.
“my w-? oh, yeah it is…
“I’ll save it then, hum, what was your name?” he asked.
And Hyunseung kind of felt the phone sliding off his hands. And a huge empty space in his stomach.
“my name?” he asked with a low voice “… I thought you k…” and he realized joker was just kidding when he heard a chuckle from the other side.
“I was joking, hyunseung.”
(and why his own name sounds even better between his lips?)
“That. Was. Not. Funny.”
“You think?
“Whatever. Go to sleep.
“Yeah, we should go to sleep already. It’s freaking late.” Hyunseung kind of forgot how to speak after the joker said ‘we’.
“Y-yes… I think…” he wasn’t sure what to say next, but somehow, one was waiting for the other one to say the last words, and hyunseung didn’t want to say good bye, but he did, at the end “then, bye…”
“Good night”
Even when the line died, hyunseung kept his phone against his ear, unable to breathe.
That was real?
“It’s all your fault, dongwoon-ah” he said, ‘cause it was because of the younger’s insistence that he called in the end. Hyunseung didn’t care it was late at night, he didn’t care if he were busy with gikwang or in the middle of his sleep, he texted dongwoon anyway, because he deserves being interrupted.
Gikwang hears the buzz of the phone in the night stand. He thinks at first that it’s dongwoon, calling at his own number (‘cause it’s 3 in the morning already and he still doesn’t come back home), but it’s just hyunseung.
He rests his head again against the pillow, but he doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, because he knows upfront he won’t be able to fall asleep if dongwoon is not by his side.
He said their friends arranged a party in a club, but he’s not keen on them, so he assured he’ll come back soon, but it’s three in the morning and he’s still somewhere else outside.
It’s not as if gikwang doesn’t trust dongwoon, sometimes he’ll go out with his friends and everything is okay, even when he wakes up the next morning with a killing hangover and the older has to take care of him (“I told you to not drink that much, sweetie, do you remember?”)
But, now, why does he feel so nervous?