to whom it may concern (just you please)
to whom it may concern (just you please)
For: serenelilacs
Rating: pg
Length: 3938 words
Summary: highschool!au. Luhan gets stuck with the biggest puzzle he has ever met, Do Kyungsoo.
Warning(s): none
Author's Note: I’m sorry for going out of point but I still hope you’ll like it nevertheless :)
Kyungsoo stares at the letter, with the sound of his beating heart filling the silence in his head. He isn’t sure if this is the right thing to do, but it is all he has to offer. He wonders if this is enough.
This is desperation, he thinks sadly, desperation for an infatuation.
But here goes nothing.
To Kim Joonmyeon,
I like you.
Kyungsoo closes his eyes and slots the letter in.
When he walks away, he doesn’t notice the pair of eyes watching him.
-
Luhan likes puzzles.
He likes the presence of their complexity with the companion of a solution. No matter how hard they are, there will always be an answer.
It always starts with the loud pounding of his heart and the adrenaline rushing to the top of his head as he untangles the knots in his head. And then it all clicks. The tingle of excitement fades into ripples of relief. That is the best part, Luhan reckons, when the colours on his rubik cube match or when the letters fill every single hole in the columns and rows. It makes him feel safe, it makes him feel like he is in control. It makes him forget about the mess he is.
Kyungsoo is a puzzle, Luhan thinks, a very complicated puzzle.
Kyungsoo is like ice. As cold and stiff as ice, devoid of any hints of emotion and unpierceable. Nothing seem to go through to him, as though he is in his own world, he sees nothing but straight. Anything at the sidelines are just a mere speck of dust in his tunnel of vision. And that’s exactly why Luhan’s so curious.
He wonders if he would ever have a chance to be in Do Kyungsoo’s spotlight.
Luhan thinks he can unravel this puzzle. Puzzles are, after all, his specialty.
-
Luhan is the kind of person Kyungsoo would avoid.
Chatty and always mingling in a crowd, people like him are like feathers, groundless and light, moving on from group to group and never settling down because they only chase what’s best for themselves. And Kyungsoo is glad he’s never the best.
But Joonmyeon, however, is on a different league.
Smart, diligent and all the possible cliche descriptions you ever can think of. Kim Joonmyeon, the closest thing to perfection and the furthest thing Kyungsoo can ever reach.
And he is a very close friend of Luhan’s.
Unfortunately.
Luhan is a very touchy person, Kyungsoo notices. He likes to rest his head on Joonmyeon’s shoulder, or swing an arm around his neck. Not a very pretty sight to match his pretty face. Kyungsoo can’t help but be annoyed, frowning whenever their eyes meet.
He realises he doesn’t really like Luhan much.
But for some strange reasons, Kyungsoo often finds himself under the scrutiny of Luhan’s gaze, feeling his eyes on his back, or following him wherever he goes. It’s not a good feeling and it makes him restless and very uneasy.
Does Luhan know of his feelings?
Kyungsoo hopes not.
Because Luhan’s definitely the last person he would talk about his unrequited feelings for Joonmyeon to.
-
“I know he’s more than that,” Luhan says absently. Joonmyeon hums as he inserts the disc into the player.
“Kyungsoo again?” Joonmyeon sighs, “well, this sounds like something Grandpa Joonmyeon can solve.”
Luhan rolls his eyes. “Very funny. Share your insight then, Grandpa Joonmyeon.”
“Well, you could,” Joonmyeon holds up the disc cover, waving it, “seduce him. Like what those girls do in the movie. Seducing their prince charming. That’d be pretty effective.”
“We should stop watching chick flicks. They’re getting into your head, Gramps.”
“Hey, an old man needs his company.” Joonmyeon narrows his eyes at Luhan, arms crossed.
Luhan snortles. “Whatever you say, Gramps. Whatever makes you happy.”
-
Kyungsoo sees Luhan with Joonmyeon. Again. And he looks away, as usual. It’s bitter with the terrible tightening of his chest and white knuckles. Kyungsoo wonders if he should be more like Luhan. Maybe Joonmyeon would like him better that way. Pretty smile and pretty laughter, Kyungsoo wants them all.
“Damn, this is cheesy,” Joonmyeon laughs. “This letter scares me.”
Letter?
Kyungsoo freezes, his grip on his books tightening.
“That’s mean,” Luhan whines.
“I should throw it into bin. It’s just--”
Kyungsoo starts walking. He wants to get out of there, away from Joonmyeon and pretty Luhan, away from the wretched letter of unrequited feelings.
He just wants-
“Oh hey! Kyungsoo’s there.”
out.
Luhan’s eyes meets with his and Kyungsoo frowns, as usual. But this time, there are tears dripping down the side of his face.
-
Luhan didn’t expect the tears from the ice. The broken gaze coated with his glistening tears, Luhan found it hard to smile or breathe.
Is he finally melting? Luhan stares at the letter in his hands and it all clicks.
No.
Crap.
The ice isn’t melting, Luhan realises, for it is something much worse.
The ice is broken, shattered into bits before his eyes.
There isn’t a puzzle if its broken. Luhan can’t let the ice break.
-
Late afternoons are Kyungsoo's favourite. Joonmyeon will always be at the library, eyes buried
in the pages of his book or assignment. Kyungsoo would take a moment to stare at him, his lips in particular. The vague thoughts of how Joonmyeon's lips would feel like against his lips, they dance around in his head with fluttering steps. His chest tightens and he tears his gaze away from Joonmyeon, taking a breather for his palpitating heart and his unwinding head. It hurts to watch and it hurts to think. He wonders why it’s so hard to stop.
Kyungsoo remembers the way the letter will be forgotten, imagines the way it will be slotted into the bin, along with a piece of his heart. With a piece missing, maybe that’s why he feels weird.
He wonders if he’ll ever get it back.
He wants to be full again.
-
The minute the bells goes off, Kyungsoo gets up from his seat, eager to leave. But a figure stops in front of him, blocking him. Kyungsoo purses his lips together as he looks up.
It’s Luhan and his pretty smile.
“You’re Kyungsoo, right?” Luhan asks hesitantly. Kyungsoo shrugs, furrowing his brows
together.
“What do you want?”
“I need to explain something.” With that, Luhan holds out a letter, smiling mildly at him. Kyungsoo gapes at it, pushing the letter away.
“Am I a joke to you? Does it make you feel better to make me feel like shit? I get it, you know, I get it.”
“What-” Luhan reaches out to Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo flinches away from his touch.
“Don’t touch me. J-just leave me alone.”
Luhan lets out a sigh, stuffing the letter into Kyungsoo’s hands.
“Just read the letter and you’ll get it.”
With that, Luhan sprints off, leaving a bewildered Kyungsoo behind.
-
By now, Luhan is very familiar with Do Kyungsoo’s life. From the way Kyungsoo always digs out the tomatoes from his sandwiches to the way he flinches whenever someone asks him a question. And Kyungsoo always has a frown on his face.
Luhan often tries to remember the face he saw, the face Kyungsoo had when he slotted the letter into the locker.
It was different from the usual ice.
It was warm.
Luhan starts to take notice of small things, like how his lips curve up he’s in the midst of books, and how close to the book Kyungsoo's head is when he reads, Luhan thinks he could probably dive into the story. Kyungsoo prefers to walk through a park home, rather than the sidewalk downtown, and he’ll always walk on the path with the most dried leaves. Kyungsoo is quiet but his smile is the loudest thing Luhan has ever heard. Luhan would do anything to hear it again and again.
Luhan wants a smile from Kyungsoo, a smile that’s only meant for him.
Luhan thinks it’s cruel, for Kyungsoo to make the mistake of slotting the letter into his locker instead, and for him to see Kyungsoo being nothing like an ice.
If only the letter was really his.
If only he was Kim Joonmyeon.
-
Kyungsoo thinks its best to keep everything to his own reflection, leaving none of his trail to anyone. He’s the first to be in class, only lingering at his seat, right at the back of the classroom.
And he’s the last to leave because it’s always best to leave when no one’s around.
He likes it silent because it’s easier, less talking means less mistakes.
But Joonmyeon was the only exception.
He was different, all kind and friendly, without the pushiness Luhan is in abundance of.
He was perfect.
So Kyungsoo left a trail for Joonmyeon and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
Kyungsoo stares at the letter, with his fingers hovering over it.
He opens it.
Your eyes are really wide but they’re cool.
We should hang out. It’ll be fun.
From Luhan.
And it all clicks, from the way Joonmyeon laughed to the way Luhan blushed, it all makes sense. Kyungsoo blinks at the letter, letting the words slowly sink in.
And he laughs, because It’s ridiculous, just like Luhan.
But strangely, he doesn’t hate it.
-
Luhan finds Kyungsoo waiting for him outside of the classroom.
“The letter’s dumb,” Kyungsoo mutters before he smacks the letter onto Luhan’s chest. Luhan feels disappointed, a little stupid for thinking that maybe Kyungsoo would be his friend-
“Read the letter. Bye,” Kyungsoo quickly says and walks off, as fast as he can. His cheeks are red, Luhan notices. He quickly flips the letter open.
You’re dumb. But I’m sorry for bursting at you.
And yes, we should hang out.
From Kyungsoo.
With that, Luhan slips through the cracks he had made on the ice. Smiling widely, Luhan runs down the aisle to catch up with Kyungsoo.
-
Kyungsoo doesn’t really know why he agreed to hang out, or why he lets Luhan slip into his quiet life so easily. Was it curiosity, or was it because he couldn’t bear to say no?
Regardless, Luhan has made a spot in his routine.
When he’s first to reach class, Luhan would be second. When’s he leaves, Luhan would be next to him, either laughing or rumbling about god knows what. He’s annoying but Kyungsoo doesn’t really mind.
It’s nice, to have company after a long while of solitude.
It’s like spring after winter, the subtle warmth creeping in, dripping into his heart like fresh dew.
It’s different from watching afar, wishing that the green pastures were his. It’s definitely better to have his own meadow.
Luhan is good.
Kyungsoo realises that he doesn’t go to the library that often anymore. Books are abandoned as he spends more time chasing Luhan down the park. Luhan tells him about the different leaves and trees there, making up weird stories about sprites and faeries.
Luhan makes him forget all about Joonmyeon. He’s like a veil covering him, wrapping them into their own world of happiness. Slowly, Kyungsoo stops hurting.
Of course he feels bad, for using Luhan’s friendship as a distraction from Joonmyeon. But as time goes by, Kyungsoo realises that Luhan is different from Joonmyeon, with different expectations and different feelings.
Kyungsoo starts noticing how pretty Luhan really is, the way his doe eyes crinkle when he smiles and the way Luhan runs his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair when its messy. Kyungsoo finds it hard to take his eyes off his new friend.
Soon, Luhan’s ‘pretty’ becomes an affectionate word, rather than a mocking one.
-
“So, how’s your conquest with Do Kyungsoo? I see you’re always with him,” Joonmyeon asks as he bites on his bun.
“Why? Jealous?” Luhan teases, snatching the bun away.
“Nope. Thankful. Because you’re not bugging me. Hallelujah.” Joonmyeon reaches out for the bun, frowning.
“He’s different I guess. Really nice. And shy. And cute. Very cute.”
Joonmyeon grabs the bun back. “Okay, I get it. But you sound really obsessed with him.”
“Well, that’s ‘cause Kyungsoo is a better friend than you, Grampsy.”
“Mean,” Joonmyeon huffs before he bites onto the bun hard. “Kyungsoo better know about that!”
Luhan thinks of Kyungsoo’s infatuation with Joonmyeon, him smiling at the letter and him watching Joonmyeon at the library. Luhan opens his mouth, wanting to tell Joonmyeon about the letter because he deserves to know and as Kyungsoo’s new friend, he wants to help him.
But he shuts his mouth instead.
He’s afraid of losing Kyungsoo, afraid that Joonmyeon might snatch his puzzle away.
-
Luhan finds himself staring Kyungsoo longer than usual, hearing the rare and gentle laughter lingering in his own head. This is bad, it’s a terrible sign.
Luhan realises he wants more, more from the budding friendship.
But it’s dangerous.
For someone like Kyungsoo, he has every reason to leave him, every reason to stop being his friend. So he can’t really risk it. But when he watches those heart-shaped lips curve up into a rare smile, or how those wide eyes always find him in the crowd, Luhan starts thinking of more.
The skies are darker than usual, but Kyungsoo still insist on walking through the park.
“You’re stubborn, aren’t you?” Luhan teases, and he gets a punch on his arm in return.
“You can go your own way, I don’t really care.” Kyungsoo mutters and walks faster. Luhan quickly matches his pace and gives a light punch at Kyungsoo’s arm. There’s a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips, Luhan notices and he smiles too, moving closer to Kyungsoo.
Halfway through the park, the first few drops of rain hits him. Soon, a shower starts and the two gets trapped in it.
“Don’t,” Kyungsoo raises his hand to Luhan’s face. “I know what you’re going to say.”
Luhan snorts as he attempts to shelter himself with his hands. “But I’m still going to say it.”
“Dont-” Kyungsoo eyes him but Luhan scrunches his nose at him, with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
“I told you so.”
“You-” Kyungsoo’s retort gets muted by the loud crack of thunder. Luhan then quickly grabs Kyungsoo’s hand.
“Let’s go find a shelter first and then you can beat me up, alright?”
Kyungsoo nods blankly at him.
After running in the rain for god knows how long, they finally stop at a shelter, drenched but they don’t mind a bit of it. As they both bend over, trying to catch their breath, they burst into laughter after realising how ridiculous they both look.
Luhan can’t help being memorised by the way his hair falls down the side of his face and how the raindrops glisten over his skin. Kyungsoo’s smile falters when he notices Luhan being silent.
“You alright?”
“Yeah. It’s just,” Luhan takes a step forward. “I’ve never heard you laugh so hard before.”
“W-what?”
Luhan leans forward, his heartbeats deafening the sound of his thought screaming for him to stop. But in that instant, more becomes a mere figment of nothing.
“No,” Kyungsoo pushes Luhan away. “Don’t.”
“I-I didn’t...I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo.” Luhan realises what he had done, but the aftermath is too grave for him to rectify the mistake.
“Just stay away from me.” Kyungsoo mutters as he takes a few steps back, eyes empty and distant.
“I better go.”
With that, Luhan sprints off into the rain.
More becomes the restart button for his puzzle.
-
Kyungsoo’s at the library.
It’s been awhile, he realises, how long he hasn’t come. Well, Luhan had distracted him well. But ironically now, Luhan’s the thing that’s troubling him, not Joonmyeon. The pages of the book used to calm him, because they resemble wings, floating through the air as they flutter down.
Books are angels with words inscribed onto their bodies, breathing on the myths and fables trapped within them. The silence of the library reminds him of the solitude he had before, before Luhan came to disrupt.
So the library is a better distraction, he concludes, better than Luhan. Luhan’s just too much for him, like Joonmyeon. That’s why he hasn’t spoken to him for days. As Kyungsoo sinks deeper into the comforts of his book haven, he doesn’t notice the approaching figure.
“Hey,” Luhan starts. Kyungsoo stops reading, his eyes pausing in the middle of the paragraph.
Luhan lets out a heavy sigh. “Please listen to my explanation, I’ll leave you alone after that, I promise.”
Kyungsoo slowly lifts his head up, his eyes meeting with a pair of sad-looking ones.
“Look, I like you,” Luhan forces out a strained smile, “just like how you like Joonmyeon.”
Kyungsoo puts his book down and straightens his back. “If you’re saying that to make me feel better, save it-”
“No,” Luhan cuts in, “I’ll never be your Joonmyeon, will I?”
“H-how do you know about him?” Kyungsoo stutters before he looks away from Luhan. Luhan isn’t supposed to know that, anyone but him.
“Right from the start, I should have known it was a mistake. I’m sorry for messing it up for you.”
Luhan takes out a crumpled paper from his pocket and holds it out to Kyungsoo.
“You put it in the wrong locker, by the way.”
Kyungsoo takes it from him and opens it. Though its crumpled with stains and whatnot, it’s his letter, the forgotten letter.
“But thanks anyway, Kyungsoo. For letting me be your friend in this short while.”
And Luhan walks away. Kyungsoo simply stands there and watches Luhan disappear from his sight, bewildered and in disbelief with this new twist. All this while, he had thought that Joonmyeon was going to be a secret he’d carry to his grave. He made a mistake, an absurd mistake that cost him-
No.
Luhan wasn’t really a mistake, Kyungsoo wants to tell him. Even if he truly was, Luhan’s the best mistake he has ever made.
-
Luhan realises that from the very beginning, Kyungsoo was never a puzzle he wanted to solve because he’d already known the answer.
It was just a dumb excuse to be closer to Kyungsoo.
Joonmyeon was the answer, the dreaded solution to Kyungsoo’s equation and Luhan was never a part of it, now matter how hard he has tried to squeeze in. He’s not even a mere bracket.
It’s back to square one, Luhan reckons.
It’s just him and the unsolved puzzle of his own feelings.
-
The empty spot next to him feels extremely painful to stare at. Kyungsoo remembers how he used to listen to Luhan's dumb whining about the teachers or the obnoxious snorting he heard whenever Luhan laughed. Now the silence is something he doesn’t want to get used to but he has to.
Luhan was like a earthquake, leaving him in his own debris after shakes of noises and unexpected twists. He was everything Kyungsoo hated and everything he misses right now. Somehow the sickening familiarity of Luhan will always stick to him and it pisses him off.
“You know,” Joonmyeon slips into the space next to Kyungsoo. “Luhan’s totally obsessed with you. He just couldn’t stop talking about his new friend. And truthfully, it was getting on my nerves.”
Kyungsoo stiffens. “Oh really?”
“Yeah, but right now, he’s really quiet and ugh, that’s worse than his usual whiny self.”
“Oh,” Kyungsoo says softly, his head down and hands clenched together.
“Did something happen between you two?”
Kyungsoo remembers the way Luhan walks away from him, the sunken shoulders and the heavy steps.
“Why don’t you ask him?” Kyungsoo’s voice comes out a little sharper than he intended and Joonmyeon finches at his hostility.
“Tried that. Told you he was quiet.”
Kyungsoo purses his lips together, his brows furrowed.
“He told me how he felt about me and just left like that. He’s giving up on me.”
“And you’re letting him?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say.
So Kyungsoo starts thinking. He thinks about the times when Luhan’s just being plain loud and boisterous but Kyungsoo doesn’t mind it. In fact, he likes it. But it’s weird because normally Luhan’s the kind of guy he would definitely shut out, someone he would never want to be seen with. But for Luhan, Kyungsoo realises, it was alright for him to stir a mess or create chaos in his peaceful and serene life. It’s because of the little moments he treasured, like when Luhan places his hands gently on his back, and the warmth pools under his touch. Or when he rests his chin on the edge of his shoulder, with his breath nuzzling the crook of his neck. It’s the small parts he had came to love when Luhan’s with him and Kyungsoo learns that Luhan isn’t that bad after all.
So Luhan can’t just change everything and leave it be.
No.
Kyungsoo decides he has to do something. Because he really really likes Luhan and he doesn’t mind losing his first kiss to him.
“You know, I used to like you. A lot. But right now, I’m just thinking of Luhan. That means something, right?”
Joonmyeon hums and gives him a wink.
“That’s meanseverything.”
-
A freshly healed wound might still sting a little with a single touch, Luhan's heart is sore from the heartache. Avoiding Kyungsoo has to work, he's afraid he might actually break if the plan fails.
Just a little more, Luhan thinks his heart needs a little longer to get used to Kyungsoo's absence. But it’s so hard to cope, with the way everything is right now, it’s worse than an unsolved puzzle.
“Oh look, Luhan is sulking like a grumpy cat,” Joonmyeon pokes his friend’s frown. “It’s
Kyungsoo, I assume?”
“What do you know?” Luhan hides his face in his arms, sniffing loudly.
“Oh please, you only think of him.”
“Am I that obvious?” Luhan mumbles and makes a strangled noise. “Well, that has to stop.”
“Why?”
“Because He likes you. Not me. That’s why.”
“I know. He confessed.”
“What-” Luhan sits up almost immediately and turns to glare at Joonmyeon.
“-But he likes you more now. I think.” Joonmyeon quickly says.
“Huh, how do you know?” Luhan scoffs at his friend.
“Because,” Joonmyeon gestures towards the front, “he’s walking towards us right now. And it’s my cue to leave.”
Luhan turns to the front and he sees Kyungsoo walking towards them, face decorated with that usual frown. Luhan gurgles.
“You can’t leave me alone. He’s probably gonna-”
“Aidos, my dear friend. Have fun.” And Joonmyeon scoots away. Not knowing what to do, Luhan quickly grabs a book and hides behind it. He hears a shuffle of footsteps and the sound of a chair being dragged out. A letter is slipped under his book.
“It’s for you.”
“Don’t want it.” Luhan pushes it back. He’s afraid of the answer, he’s scared of the conclusion.
“Just read it, or I’ll read it out. and you’ll be embarrassed.”
Luhan groans and puts the book down. “Fine.”
He opens it.
To Luhan,
I like you.
Without saying a word, Luhan drops the letter and turns to face Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s cheeks have a hint of red on them and his lips are trembling, but his gaze is strong and determined.
Picking up the book, he covers both their faces with it and quickly presses his lips against Kyungsoo’s.
Letters are nice, Luhan thinks happily, especially if they have your name on it.
“You’re unbelievable.” Kyungsoo gapes at him, covering his lips in shock. Luhan chuckles, batting his lashes at Kyungsoo.
“And I like you too, Do Kyungsoo.”
For: serenelilacs
Rating: pg
Length: 3938 words
Summary: highschool!au. Luhan gets stuck with the biggest puzzle he has ever met, Do Kyungsoo.
Warning(s): none
Author's Note: I’m sorry for going out of point but I still hope you’ll like it nevertheless :)
Kyungsoo stares at the letter, with the sound of his beating heart filling the silence in his head. He isn’t sure if this is the right thing to do, but it is all he has to offer. He wonders if this is enough.
This is desperation, he thinks sadly, desperation for an infatuation.
But here goes nothing.
To Kim Joonmyeon,
I like you.
Kyungsoo closes his eyes and slots the letter in.
When he walks away, he doesn’t notice the pair of eyes watching him.
-
Luhan likes puzzles.
He likes the presence of their complexity with the companion of a solution. No matter how hard they are, there will always be an answer.
It always starts with the loud pounding of his heart and the adrenaline rushing to the top of his head as he untangles the knots in his head. And then it all clicks. The tingle of excitement fades into ripples of relief. That is the best part, Luhan reckons, when the colours on his rubik cube match or when the letters fill every single hole in the columns and rows. It makes him feel safe, it makes him feel like he is in control. It makes him forget about the mess he is.
Kyungsoo is a puzzle, Luhan thinks, a very complicated puzzle.
Kyungsoo is like ice. As cold and stiff as ice, devoid of any hints of emotion and unpierceable. Nothing seem to go through to him, as though he is in his own world, he sees nothing but straight. Anything at the sidelines are just a mere speck of dust in his tunnel of vision. And that’s exactly why Luhan’s so curious.
He wonders if he would ever have a chance to be in Do Kyungsoo’s spotlight.
Luhan thinks he can unravel this puzzle. Puzzles are, after all, his specialty.
-
Luhan is the kind of person Kyungsoo would avoid.
Chatty and always mingling in a crowd, people like him are like feathers, groundless and light, moving on from group to group and never settling down because they only chase what’s best for themselves. And Kyungsoo is glad he’s never the best.
But Joonmyeon, however, is on a different league.
Smart, diligent and all the possible cliche descriptions you ever can think of. Kim Joonmyeon, the closest thing to perfection and the furthest thing Kyungsoo can ever reach.
And he is a very close friend of Luhan’s.
Unfortunately.
Luhan is a very touchy person, Kyungsoo notices. He likes to rest his head on Joonmyeon’s shoulder, or swing an arm around his neck. Not a very pretty sight to match his pretty face. Kyungsoo can’t help but be annoyed, frowning whenever their eyes meet.
He realises he doesn’t really like Luhan much.
But for some strange reasons, Kyungsoo often finds himself under the scrutiny of Luhan’s gaze, feeling his eyes on his back, or following him wherever he goes. It’s not a good feeling and it makes him restless and very uneasy.
Does Luhan know of his feelings?
Kyungsoo hopes not.
Because Luhan’s definitely the last person he would talk about his unrequited feelings for Joonmyeon to.
-
“I know he’s more than that,” Luhan says absently. Joonmyeon hums as he inserts the disc into the player.
“Kyungsoo again?” Joonmyeon sighs, “well, this sounds like something Grandpa Joonmyeon can solve.”
Luhan rolls his eyes. “Very funny. Share your insight then, Grandpa Joonmyeon.”
“Well, you could,” Joonmyeon holds up the disc cover, waving it, “seduce him. Like what those girls do in the movie. Seducing their prince charming. That’d be pretty effective.”
“We should stop watching chick flicks. They’re getting into your head, Gramps.”
“Hey, an old man needs his company.” Joonmyeon narrows his eyes at Luhan, arms crossed.
Luhan snortles. “Whatever you say, Gramps. Whatever makes you happy.”
-
Kyungsoo sees Luhan with Joonmyeon. Again. And he looks away, as usual. It’s bitter with the terrible tightening of his chest and white knuckles. Kyungsoo wonders if he should be more like Luhan. Maybe Joonmyeon would like him better that way. Pretty smile and pretty laughter, Kyungsoo wants them all.
“Damn, this is cheesy,” Joonmyeon laughs. “This letter scares me.”
Letter?
Kyungsoo freezes, his grip on his books tightening.
“That’s mean,” Luhan whines.
“I should throw it into bin. It’s just--”
Kyungsoo starts walking. He wants to get out of there, away from Joonmyeon and pretty Luhan, away from the wretched letter of unrequited feelings.
He just wants-
“Oh hey! Kyungsoo’s there.”
out.
Luhan’s eyes meets with his and Kyungsoo frowns, as usual. But this time, there are tears dripping down the side of his face.
-
Luhan didn’t expect the tears from the ice. The broken gaze coated with his glistening tears, Luhan found it hard to smile or breathe.
Is he finally melting? Luhan stares at the letter in his hands and it all clicks.
No.
Crap.
The ice isn’t melting, Luhan realises, for it is something much worse.
The ice is broken, shattered into bits before his eyes.
There isn’t a puzzle if its broken. Luhan can’t let the ice break.
-
Late afternoons are Kyungsoo's favourite. Joonmyeon will always be at the library, eyes buried
in the pages of his book or assignment. Kyungsoo would take a moment to stare at him, his lips in particular. The vague thoughts of how Joonmyeon's lips would feel like against his lips, they dance around in his head with fluttering steps. His chest tightens and he tears his gaze away from Joonmyeon, taking a breather for his palpitating heart and his unwinding head. It hurts to watch and it hurts to think. He wonders why it’s so hard to stop.
Kyungsoo remembers the way the letter will be forgotten, imagines the way it will be slotted into the bin, along with a piece of his heart. With a piece missing, maybe that’s why he feels weird.
He wonders if he’ll ever get it back.
He wants to be full again.
-
The minute the bells goes off, Kyungsoo gets up from his seat, eager to leave. But a figure stops in front of him, blocking him. Kyungsoo purses his lips together as he looks up.
It’s Luhan and his pretty smile.
“You’re Kyungsoo, right?” Luhan asks hesitantly. Kyungsoo shrugs, furrowing his brows
together.
“What do you want?”
“I need to explain something.” With that, Luhan holds out a letter, smiling mildly at him. Kyungsoo gapes at it, pushing the letter away.
“Am I a joke to you? Does it make you feel better to make me feel like shit? I get it, you know, I get it.”
“What-” Luhan reaches out to Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo flinches away from his touch.
“Don’t touch me. J-just leave me alone.”
Luhan lets out a sigh, stuffing the letter into Kyungsoo’s hands.
“Just read the letter and you’ll get it.”
With that, Luhan sprints off, leaving a bewildered Kyungsoo behind.
-
By now, Luhan is very familiar with Do Kyungsoo’s life. From the way Kyungsoo always digs out the tomatoes from his sandwiches to the way he flinches whenever someone asks him a question. And Kyungsoo always has a frown on his face.
Luhan often tries to remember the face he saw, the face Kyungsoo had when he slotted the letter into the locker.
It was different from the usual ice.
It was warm.
Luhan starts to take notice of small things, like how his lips curve up he’s in the midst of books, and how close to the book Kyungsoo's head is when he reads, Luhan thinks he could probably dive into the story. Kyungsoo prefers to walk through a park home, rather than the sidewalk downtown, and he’ll always walk on the path with the most dried leaves. Kyungsoo is quiet but his smile is the loudest thing Luhan has ever heard. Luhan would do anything to hear it again and again.
Luhan wants a smile from Kyungsoo, a smile that’s only meant for him.
Luhan thinks it’s cruel, for Kyungsoo to make the mistake of slotting the letter into his locker instead, and for him to see Kyungsoo being nothing like an ice.
If only the letter was really his.
If only he was Kim Joonmyeon.
-
Kyungsoo thinks its best to keep everything to his own reflection, leaving none of his trail to anyone. He’s the first to be in class, only lingering at his seat, right at the back of the classroom.
And he’s the last to leave because it’s always best to leave when no one’s around.
He likes it silent because it’s easier, less talking means less mistakes.
But Joonmyeon was the only exception.
He was different, all kind and friendly, without the pushiness Luhan is in abundance of.
He was perfect.
So Kyungsoo left a trail for Joonmyeon and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
Kyungsoo stares at the letter, with his fingers hovering over it.
He opens it.
Your eyes are really wide but they’re cool.
We should hang out. It’ll be fun.
From Luhan.
And it all clicks, from the way Joonmyeon laughed to the way Luhan blushed, it all makes sense. Kyungsoo blinks at the letter, letting the words slowly sink in.
And he laughs, because It’s ridiculous, just like Luhan.
But strangely, he doesn’t hate it.
-
Luhan finds Kyungsoo waiting for him outside of the classroom.
“The letter’s dumb,” Kyungsoo mutters before he smacks the letter onto Luhan’s chest. Luhan feels disappointed, a little stupid for thinking that maybe Kyungsoo would be his friend-
“Read the letter. Bye,” Kyungsoo quickly says and walks off, as fast as he can. His cheeks are red, Luhan notices. He quickly flips the letter open.
You’re dumb. But I’m sorry for bursting at you.
And yes, we should hang out.
From Kyungsoo.
With that, Luhan slips through the cracks he had made on the ice. Smiling widely, Luhan runs down the aisle to catch up with Kyungsoo.
-
Kyungsoo doesn’t really know why he agreed to hang out, or why he lets Luhan slip into his quiet life so easily. Was it curiosity, or was it because he couldn’t bear to say no?
Regardless, Luhan has made a spot in his routine.
When he’s first to reach class, Luhan would be second. When’s he leaves, Luhan would be next to him, either laughing or rumbling about god knows what. He’s annoying but Kyungsoo doesn’t really mind.
It’s nice, to have company after a long while of solitude.
It’s like spring after winter, the subtle warmth creeping in, dripping into his heart like fresh dew.
It’s different from watching afar, wishing that the green pastures were his. It’s definitely better to have his own meadow.
Luhan is good.
Kyungsoo realises that he doesn’t go to the library that often anymore. Books are abandoned as he spends more time chasing Luhan down the park. Luhan tells him about the different leaves and trees there, making up weird stories about sprites and faeries.
Luhan makes him forget all about Joonmyeon. He’s like a veil covering him, wrapping them into their own world of happiness. Slowly, Kyungsoo stops hurting.
Of course he feels bad, for using Luhan’s friendship as a distraction from Joonmyeon. But as time goes by, Kyungsoo realises that Luhan is different from Joonmyeon, with different expectations and different feelings.
Kyungsoo starts noticing how pretty Luhan really is, the way his doe eyes crinkle when he smiles and the way Luhan runs his fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair when its messy. Kyungsoo finds it hard to take his eyes off his new friend.
Soon, Luhan’s ‘pretty’ becomes an affectionate word, rather than a mocking one.
-
“So, how’s your conquest with Do Kyungsoo? I see you’re always with him,” Joonmyeon asks as he bites on his bun.
“Why? Jealous?” Luhan teases, snatching the bun away.
“Nope. Thankful. Because you’re not bugging me. Hallelujah.” Joonmyeon reaches out for the bun, frowning.
“He’s different I guess. Really nice. And shy. And cute. Very cute.”
Joonmyeon grabs the bun back. “Okay, I get it. But you sound really obsessed with him.”
“Well, that’s ‘cause Kyungsoo is a better friend than you, Grampsy.”
“Mean,” Joonmyeon huffs before he bites onto the bun hard. “Kyungsoo better know about that!”
Luhan thinks of Kyungsoo’s infatuation with Joonmyeon, him smiling at the letter and him watching Joonmyeon at the library. Luhan opens his mouth, wanting to tell Joonmyeon about the letter because he deserves to know and as Kyungsoo’s new friend, he wants to help him.
But he shuts his mouth instead.
He’s afraid of losing Kyungsoo, afraid that Joonmyeon might snatch his puzzle away.
-
Luhan finds himself staring Kyungsoo longer than usual, hearing the rare and gentle laughter lingering in his own head. This is bad, it’s a terrible sign.
Luhan realises he wants more, more from the budding friendship.
But it’s dangerous.
For someone like Kyungsoo, he has every reason to leave him, every reason to stop being his friend. So he can’t really risk it. But when he watches those heart-shaped lips curve up into a rare smile, or how those wide eyes always find him in the crowd, Luhan starts thinking of more.
The skies are darker than usual, but Kyungsoo still insist on walking through the park.
“You’re stubborn, aren’t you?” Luhan teases, and he gets a punch on his arm in return.
“You can go your own way, I don’t really care.” Kyungsoo mutters and walks faster. Luhan quickly matches his pace and gives a light punch at Kyungsoo’s arm. There’s a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips, Luhan notices and he smiles too, moving closer to Kyungsoo.
Halfway through the park, the first few drops of rain hits him. Soon, a shower starts and the two gets trapped in it.
“Don’t,” Kyungsoo raises his hand to Luhan’s face. “I know what you’re going to say.”
Luhan snorts as he attempts to shelter himself with his hands. “But I’m still going to say it.”
“Dont-” Kyungsoo eyes him but Luhan scrunches his nose at him, with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
“I told you so.”
“You-” Kyungsoo’s retort gets muted by the loud crack of thunder. Luhan then quickly grabs Kyungsoo’s hand.
“Let’s go find a shelter first and then you can beat me up, alright?”
Kyungsoo nods blankly at him.
After running in the rain for god knows how long, they finally stop at a shelter, drenched but they don’t mind a bit of it. As they both bend over, trying to catch their breath, they burst into laughter after realising how ridiculous they both look.
Luhan can’t help being memorised by the way his hair falls down the side of his face and how the raindrops glisten over his skin. Kyungsoo’s smile falters when he notices Luhan being silent.
“You alright?”
“Yeah. It’s just,” Luhan takes a step forward. “I’ve never heard you laugh so hard before.”
“W-what?”
Luhan leans forward, his heartbeats deafening the sound of his thought screaming for him to stop. But in that instant, more becomes a mere figment of nothing.
“No,” Kyungsoo pushes Luhan away. “Don’t.”
“I-I didn’t...I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo.” Luhan realises what he had done, but the aftermath is too grave for him to rectify the mistake.
“Just stay away from me.” Kyungsoo mutters as he takes a few steps back, eyes empty and distant.
“I better go.”
With that, Luhan sprints off into the rain.
More becomes the restart button for his puzzle.
-
Kyungsoo’s at the library.
It’s been awhile, he realises, how long he hasn’t come. Well, Luhan had distracted him well. But ironically now, Luhan’s the thing that’s troubling him, not Joonmyeon. The pages of the book used to calm him, because they resemble wings, floating through the air as they flutter down.
Books are angels with words inscribed onto their bodies, breathing on the myths and fables trapped within them. The silence of the library reminds him of the solitude he had before, before Luhan came to disrupt.
So the library is a better distraction, he concludes, better than Luhan. Luhan’s just too much for him, like Joonmyeon. That’s why he hasn’t spoken to him for days. As Kyungsoo sinks deeper into the comforts of his book haven, he doesn’t notice the approaching figure.
“Hey,” Luhan starts. Kyungsoo stops reading, his eyes pausing in the middle of the paragraph.
Luhan lets out a heavy sigh. “Please listen to my explanation, I’ll leave you alone after that, I promise.”
Kyungsoo slowly lifts his head up, his eyes meeting with a pair of sad-looking ones.
“Look, I like you,” Luhan forces out a strained smile, “just like how you like Joonmyeon.”
Kyungsoo puts his book down and straightens his back. “If you’re saying that to make me feel better, save it-”
“No,” Luhan cuts in, “I’ll never be your Joonmyeon, will I?”
“H-how do you know about him?” Kyungsoo stutters before he looks away from Luhan. Luhan isn’t supposed to know that, anyone but him.
“Right from the start, I should have known it was a mistake. I’m sorry for messing it up for you.”
Luhan takes out a crumpled paper from his pocket and holds it out to Kyungsoo.
“You put it in the wrong locker, by the way.”
Kyungsoo takes it from him and opens it. Though its crumpled with stains and whatnot, it’s his letter, the forgotten letter.
“But thanks anyway, Kyungsoo. For letting me be your friend in this short while.”
And Luhan walks away. Kyungsoo simply stands there and watches Luhan disappear from his sight, bewildered and in disbelief with this new twist. All this while, he had thought that Joonmyeon was going to be a secret he’d carry to his grave. He made a mistake, an absurd mistake that cost him-
No.
Luhan wasn’t really a mistake, Kyungsoo wants to tell him. Even if he truly was, Luhan’s the best mistake he has ever made.
-
Luhan realises that from the very beginning, Kyungsoo was never a puzzle he wanted to solve because he’d already known the answer.
It was just a dumb excuse to be closer to Kyungsoo.
Joonmyeon was the answer, the dreaded solution to Kyungsoo’s equation and Luhan was never a part of it, now matter how hard he has tried to squeeze in. He’s not even a mere bracket.
It’s back to square one, Luhan reckons.
It’s just him and the unsolved puzzle of his own feelings.
-
The empty spot next to him feels extremely painful to stare at. Kyungsoo remembers how he used to listen to Luhan's dumb whining about the teachers or the obnoxious snorting he heard whenever Luhan laughed. Now the silence is something he doesn’t want to get used to but he has to.
Luhan was like a earthquake, leaving him in his own debris after shakes of noises and unexpected twists. He was everything Kyungsoo hated and everything he misses right now. Somehow the sickening familiarity of Luhan will always stick to him and it pisses him off.
“You know,” Joonmyeon slips into the space next to Kyungsoo. “Luhan’s totally obsessed with you. He just couldn’t stop talking about his new friend. And truthfully, it was getting on my nerves.”
Kyungsoo stiffens. “Oh really?”
“Yeah, but right now, he’s really quiet and ugh, that’s worse than his usual whiny self.”
“Oh,” Kyungsoo says softly, his head down and hands clenched together.
“Did something happen between you two?”
Kyungsoo remembers the way Luhan walks away from him, the sunken shoulders and the heavy steps.
“Why don’t you ask him?” Kyungsoo’s voice comes out a little sharper than he intended and Joonmyeon finches at his hostility.
“Tried that. Told you he was quiet.”
Kyungsoo purses his lips together, his brows furrowed.
“He told me how he felt about me and just left like that. He’s giving up on me.”
“And you’re letting him?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say.
So Kyungsoo starts thinking. He thinks about the times when Luhan’s just being plain loud and boisterous but Kyungsoo doesn’t mind it. In fact, he likes it. But it’s weird because normally Luhan’s the kind of guy he would definitely shut out, someone he would never want to be seen with. But for Luhan, Kyungsoo realises, it was alright for him to stir a mess or create chaos in his peaceful and serene life. It’s because of the little moments he treasured, like when Luhan places his hands gently on his back, and the warmth pools under his touch. Or when he rests his chin on the edge of his shoulder, with his breath nuzzling the crook of his neck. It’s the small parts he had came to love when Luhan’s with him and Kyungsoo learns that Luhan isn’t that bad after all.
So Luhan can’t just change everything and leave it be.
No.
Kyungsoo decides he has to do something. Because he really really likes Luhan and he doesn’t mind losing his first kiss to him.
“You know, I used to like you. A lot. But right now, I’m just thinking of Luhan. That means something, right?”
Joonmyeon hums and gives him a wink.
“That’s meanseverything.”
-
A freshly healed wound might still sting a little with a single touch, Luhan's heart is sore from the heartache. Avoiding Kyungsoo has to work, he's afraid he might actually break if the plan fails.
Just a little more, Luhan thinks his heart needs a little longer to get used to Kyungsoo's absence. But it’s so hard to cope, with the way everything is right now, it’s worse than an unsolved puzzle.
“Oh look, Luhan is sulking like a grumpy cat,” Joonmyeon pokes his friend’s frown. “It’s
Kyungsoo, I assume?”
“What do you know?” Luhan hides his face in his arms, sniffing loudly.
“Oh please, you only think of him.”
“Am I that obvious?” Luhan mumbles and makes a strangled noise. “Well, that has to stop.”
“Why?”
“Because He likes you. Not me. That’s why.”
“I know. He confessed.”
“What-” Luhan sits up almost immediately and turns to glare at Joonmyeon.
“-But he likes you more now. I think.” Joonmyeon quickly says.
“Huh, how do you know?” Luhan scoffs at his friend.
“Because,” Joonmyeon gestures towards the front, “he’s walking towards us right now. And it’s my cue to leave.”
Luhan turns to the front and he sees Kyungsoo walking towards them, face decorated with that usual frown. Luhan gurgles.
“You can’t leave me alone. He’s probably gonna-”
“Aidos, my dear friend. Have fun.” And Joonmyeon scoots away. Not knowing what to do, Luhan quickly grabs a book and hides behind it. He hears a shuffle of footsteps and the sound of a chair being dragged out. A letter is slipped under his book.
“It’s for you.”
“Don’t want it.” Luhan pushes it back. He’s afraid of the answer, he’s scared of the conclusion.
“Just read it, or I’ll read it out. and you’ll be embarrassed.”
Luhan groans and puts the book down. “Fine.”
He opens it.
To Luhan,
I like you.
Without saying a word, Luhan drops the letter and turns to face Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s cheeks have a hint of red on them and his lips are trembling, but his gaze is strong and determined.
Picking up the book, he covers both their faces with it and quickly presses his lips against Kyungsoo’s.
Letters are nice, Luhan thinks happily, especially if they have your name on it.
“You’re unbelievable.” Kyungsoo gapes at him, covering his lips in shock. Luhan chuckles, batting his lashes at Kyungsoo.
“And I like you too, Do Kyungsoo.”