(no subject)
So once again, I'm finding myself...befuddled. We just played a review Jeopardy-type game in Economics...but my mind wasn't there. I sat in the corner of the room, just leaning against the wall thinking about my latest situation and all. Here's the current verdict ::
I miss him more than anything. I thought of the times that we spent together, not just back in September, but back even before high school. In 8th grade when we used to walk to the end of the hallway after Spanish, departing with our goofy phrases...how I was soooo excited when I got his screen name. :-) And I was thinking about freshman year, how he'd wait for me in front of my bus, giving me a big hug good-bye every single day. And how the one day before x-mas break that I really wanted to see him, because I knew it'd be awhile...he wasn't there. And I wanted to cry. How he invited me to go see 8 crazy nights with him over that break...how we laughed our asses off...and how every time I see that movie on, I think of him. I thought about how he'd hold my hand walking to class...just 'cause. He's a little shyer than that, now. I thought about summer before sophomore year...what happened...how our friendship was almost ruined because of it all. But how I was still so incredibly crazy about him. How we didn't talk most of that year, then we talked in March, and he made me so upset, and I got so worried about him. Then this summer, things started looking up. He gave me confidence to go for Mike...he told me to keep my head up, that I could get anything I wanted, just so long as my heart was in it. How I missed my uncle's fireworks on the 4th of July, because I was on the computer inside, talking to him. That night he told me that he had decided to quit smoking and drinking...and I was so proud that I couldn't stop telling how much I loved him. I almost gave up Mike for him, just then. How ironic, that conversation happened, all the while I was sipping a frozen margarita. Shame on me. Then, not even a week after Mike and I broke up...he was there waiting for me. He pretty much whisped me off of my feet...and I literally felt weightless. Lasted for almost 3 weeks, but it seemed like so much longer. He made me so happy. He made me as happy as Andy used to make me happy. That is incredible...noone has ever been able to do that for me...not since Andy. Then when things went all stupid on my birthday, I felt so lost...I didn't know what to do with myself. I shut down for almost 2 weeks...I was just...lifeless. Things have been up and down since then...right now, I'm guessing they're in the middle-ish. But I miss him. So much. Last night, I called him...he didn't answer, so I left a message...I don't know if he got it or not. I sounded like an idiot...I was sitting there listening to nsync, playing video games...once it beeped for me to talk, I didn't know what to say. I miss him. I don't even know why. I miss how he'd call me when I was sleeping, but I wouldn't even care, I'd still carry on talking about Napoleon Dynamite, and he'd laugh...wether it was at me, or with me..it didn't matter. I miss how he stares me down...his eyes are amazingly amazing that you just fall into them.
Wow...I think I should stop...this entry is way way too stalker-ish. But at the same time it's not. His neighbor asked me how I felt about him...I didn't know what to say....I should have told her that I miss him more than he couldn't believe. That's what I should have told her.