(no subject)
I am still high and happy and feeling amazingly alive :D
I can't remember much further back than Tuesday, so I'll start there... I remember having 'She put de lime in de coconut she drank dem bot' up...' going round and round in my head, so I was dancing round the house singing that over and over and over as I got ready for rocksoc. I went to get the bus and then realized I'd gotten the times wrong so I had an hour to wait. I really really wanted to just start walking, which was such a lovely, if frustrating feeling.
Waiting for the bus was weird and lovely and weird. I used to get the bus 4 miles to school and back every day, and then when I was at college I got trains a lot as well. I've spoken before about how commuting used to be my favourite part of the day, I think? I used to miss the bus a lot - I've never been good at timekeeping. And when I missed it, I would just keep walking, because it usually got me there about the same time as waiting for the next bus would have, and I'd rather walk than stand. I knew that route backwards. There's a sense of control, as well. When you see the bus drive past there's a sense of frustration and powerlessness, and walking took that away. I've always liked walking.
Waiting for the bus, all dressed up in my rocksoc clothes... that took me back to waiting at Ash Vale train station, on my way to a pub or a gig in Farnham or Guildford or a mate's party in Aldershot. That sense of excitement, anticipation, all keyed up and ready to go - and that moment of calm and thought before all that loudness to come. That confidence. Doesn't matter what happens once I'm there, whether I'm the life and soul of the party, or if I turn wallflower and sit in the corner feeling embarrassed and shy and trying to pull the hem of my skirt in the vague direction of my knee, or at least over my pants. Before I get there, I nearly always got that confidence and excitement and anticipation.
--> I miss that, when I drive. When you drive you go from getting ready to in the car and moving to there. There's no waiting, no anticipation.
So I was feeling good, waiting at the stop, with music already kicking at my hindbrain. I love when I move with music in me. And then I realized I had another hour to go, because I'd gotten the times wrong.
And I wanted to walk.
So much. I felt so damn good, so alive, and I wanted to just pick up my skirts and start walking. It's 4 miles. Same old. But some common sense was retained, and I knew that even if I made it somehow - and christ knows, my pain levels aren't THAT good - I'd never enjoy rocksoc afterwards. Even if I wasn't crippley, I was so out of practice a walk like that would eat all my dancing energy. So I had to restrain myself. That was frustrating, though. A night like that, I would have loved to walk through.
So I thought about hitching a lift - yes, potentially dangerous - but the risks were manageable. I had a phone, people were expecting me, it was a main road going straight to Aber, etc. Buuuuut I was dressed for rocksoc, which upped the risk factor, and I had a walking stick, which could mark me out as potentially vulnerable. Was weighing it up when Duncan rang, and we proceeded to have a lovely long conversation, which distracted me thoroughly, so hitch hiking got put to one side. By the time my phone battery died there was only ten minutes to the next bus, so there was no point by then (plus I wouldn't want to hitch with no phone).
So, bus to town! Still hyper! Still singing 'you put de lime in de coconut' (although I kept it under my breath whilst on the bus). Met up with Rover and Del and then headed to rocksoc...
I should confess at this point that I went to RockSoc with the express intention of putting my bare arm in front of Mike's face at some point... :P I've been wanting to play around with people more lately, and John is fine with that - it's not something he's particularly interested in doing with me, so he doesn't mind me doing it elsewhere. I've always thought Mike seemed... fun :P And I've been thinking about seeing if he'd like to play some time for a while, but I wasn't sure if he was interested in doing anything with me - we'd never really flirted or anything. But then, as I realized some time ago, only really women or guys who knew me from before me and John got together flirt with me nowadays, because those are the people I flirt with. I was in full-on monogamous mindset for the first couple of years, and that set a pattern. I was flirting with 'safe' people. I started wanting to break that pattern, but felt like no guys really thought of me that way - when of course that's how I've been presenting myself, of course they won't. So, back to Mike...
He mentioned on fetlife that if you shove an arm in front of his face he tends to bite it. So I figured I'd make sure I shoved my arm in front of him at some point and see what happened from there :)
It was a simple plan. It worked very well :D So, apparently I like being bitten. I don't usually tell bitey people this, because I don't like how most bitey people bite. There are certain people - mostly, but not exclusively, young women - who like to go around biting people, from cold, as hard as they can. This is not my thing. I want to enjoy being bitten, not endure it. If you walk up to me and bite me on the shoulder as hard as you can my first reaction will be to want to punch you in the face. As with most pain play, I'm more a fan of the slow build-up, pushing to the edge of what I can stand, and then maybe a little more here and there.
So, I was quite happy having Mike gnaw on my arm from time to time. Gnawing is good. So far so good. I switched seats so I was next to him rather than reaching all the way across the table, and I can't remember how the head stroking started, but it did :) I've been kind of interested in puppy play from an owner perspective, and figured this was a good chance to try it. One arm being gnawed on, the other giving Mike scritchings and strokings. He made some mention of needing to go before too long 'cause he had work the next day, and I tried to convince him not to, which seemed to work. Then I popped to the loo at one point, and when I came back he was stood up getting ready to leave..
My choice of words was - amusingly enough - completely inadvertent, and yet spot on. I just looked at him, frowned, and said "Sit."
So, he did.
That was a quarter to 12. The next, what, hour and a half? Was fun. Somewhat more fun than expected.
From just a bit of gnawing on my arm and me stroking his head, things got a bit more intense, whilst still being just... puppy play. I'm pretty sure my description is going to be insufficient, especially given people's reactions when I've tried talking about this so far. But I want to try, because the culmination was one of the hottest moments I've had in RockSoc, which, frankly, is saying something. Let's put aside that it was 'puppy play' and all the connotations most people have for that. Especially the cutesiness. That's the side that's never appealed, and it really wasn't a cutesy sort of thing.
I will preface this by explaining, in case anyone doesn't get it: It was intense, and hot, and I fucking loved it, and it in no way diminishes what's between me and John have, and was in no way dishonest to him, and he knows about it and is absolutely fine. Ok, we all cool?
Oh, also, don't mention I said anything about this to Mike, 'cause I'm totally crushing on him right now and am feeling all shy and awkward about it [ie what if it wasn't nearly as awesome from his point of view, or he's freaked out by my being so holyfuckthatwasawesome about it, or whatever...]
So. The head strokings and scritchings carried on, and the bitings got a bit more intense, and some of it was gentle soft gnawing and almost more love bitey than bitey bitey and then some of it would build up and up with nips here and there and long hard bites where it's good but it hurts and it's good but it hurts and it hurts and then it hurts so much you just - can't - bear - it and then release and ohhh that's good
and then we sort of... swapped. He started stroking and scritching me and mmmm that was good - I'm into sensation play more than power play, and I adore being stroked and scratched and I started biting him back and I found I enjoyed that a lot too, and then we were both biting and stroking and scritching and when my hand isn't being chewed on we're holding hands and stroking fingers together and there's a lot of... nuzzling? Rubbings heads together and biting necks and ears and I'm starting to lose myself, completely - that was what stepped it up a gear, the entire rest of rocksoc could have fucked off to another pub and I wouldn't have noticed, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing at all
- to start with there was a lot of that, will he like this? Do I like this? maybe I should do this, or that, am I biting too hard, not hard enough - not in a distracting way, just an inquisitive, still feeling things out kind of way - I didn't know what his boundaries were, or really what mine were, and so I was paying attention to body language and stuff, trying to figure out what was ok and what wasn't - trying to figure out if kissing was a-ok or not was the weirdest one, things were getting quite intense and my instinct was to start making out, but he kept his head down or away and I wasn't sure if he just didn't want to kiss, or wanted to but thought he shouldn't, or was waiting for me to make the first move - and I didn't want to push things into an area he was uncomfortable with - we did sort of kiss once, briefly, but it felt... weirdly human? Heh, not a phrase I'd have expected to use. I don't know, but we didn't kiss mouth to mouth again after that, and it was fine.
and then there was no thought, just biting and hair pulling and stroking and my hair's everywhere it's in my mouth in his mouth and it doesn't matter I even kind of like it - normally I hate when my hair gets in my mouth or in the way - but it was just all so... feral. That's probably the best word. And there were so many sensations and I'm so turned on and I'm just want and take and we're biting and pulling hair and stroking and and and
and then someone put Closer by Nine Inch Nails on.
Fucking hell yes. I mean, I love that song anyway, it never fails to get me unremittingly horny. Now imagine That Song when we're already biting and clawing at each other and there's hair and saliva everywhere and it's so fucking hot and I feel completely uninhibited I've forgotten about the rest of the world there's just this and we're both singing along in between so I'm biting his ear and he's nuzzling my shoulder and pulling my hair and we're both singing - quietly, just loud enough we can both hear, just.. reciting - I WANT TO FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL - and he's biting me and it's so good and - I WANT TO FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE - and that damn beat's running through me and...
yeah. That's going on my list of hottest rocksoc moments. I think the unexpectedness and discovery of it is half of what made it so good - I've had some pretty fucking uninhibited moments, but not often that uninhibited, and not for quite some time. Being sky high mood-wise already will have been a big part of it, I was already feeling free and high and on top of the world and I get so... tactile, when I'm like that, anyway - everything is sensation, to have such an amazing amount of sensory overload when I'm already keyed up, and in a way I've not tried before - yes yes I've stroked and bitten and scratched before and I've been stroked and bitten and scratched, but I haven't done THAT before and if the distinction isn't already evident I'm not sure how I can identify it - and then the music...
Everything came together for a song :D
We subsided into stroking and nuzzling over the next song and then Mike checked the time and it'd been a good hour and a half or so since I told him to sit and he had work in the morning, and I was a goopy mess of endorphins by this point anyway, so I let him go this time :P
I then danced my little socks off for a bit, ran into a bloke I used to work with at the Fountain and chatted to him for a while, and then headed back to Rover's (via the kebab shop) about 2am-ish.
Oh, I chatted to a bloke on the dance floor at one point, who turned out to be a bit of a tard. He said something that deserved an aw bless, so I reached out to tousle his hair, and he proceeded to bite my hand. Not in a nice gnawing sort of way, in more of an 'I'm trying to draw blood' kind of way. Exactly the kind of biter I dislike - too hard and non-consensual. He was biting over the knuckles with my fingers bent closed into a fist, so it was a nasty place to bite, too, and it fucking hurt. I shouted ow, and he kept biting so I kicked him in the shins. At which point he let go, and said 'that's what happens when you mess with a vampire' and walked off. At which point I pissed myself laughing.
Anyway. Went to bed. Got a bit of sleep, but not much, 'cause I was still buzzing. I lay there for hours until I felt like I could justify getting up, and I went for a walk into town.
So at 7 in the morning I wandered along the seafront in my red leather trench, top hat, and red spotty ladybird umbrella, singing at the waves, through the rain. And it was fucking amazing.
This is what I've missed. These moments. I haven't had these. No, I've not had the crushing suicidal depressions, either, let's not forget that, but I haven't had the highs. I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of beauty and love and joy. I loved the world that morning - I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the sea, and the smell of the rain and the way it felt on my skin, and I felt like my heart might burst out of my chest with love for it all.
[I remember that when I first came to Aber - sitting on the beach feeling my heart all swollen with how beautiful and amazing it was - and moments like that have always been what got me through all the shit, the way everything could come together for one small moment and be perfect in their tiny nothingness... I remember walking to the railway station one morning at college in the middle of a bad patch, and having that feeling, and picking a great big daisy-type flower and feeling so at peace with everything and holding that feeling close, knowing that was what would get me through, because no matter what happened, no matter if I didn't have money to eat, no matter if I failed everything, if I was lonely or scared or tired, no matter what shit fell on me, I knew that sooner or later I would be able to look up and put it all to one side and LOVE everything, however it was, and so nothing could hold any fear for me, because nothing could be bigger than that, nothing could take that away]
I bought breakfast and came back to Rover's and oh this post is so long I've done the important part, basically everything has been lovely, and John's got his car fixed, and I have my John back, and my dad's buying me a car, and I've been singing and painting and IT'S ALL SO BLOODY LOVELY
I just wanted to fix this where it can't slip away. My mind has eaten so much and I don't even know how much because I don't know what's gone until I reach for it, and some of it I don't even know to reach for.
Plus right now I'm a gobby cow, so all my thoughts seem to need to spill out somewhere or I might burst.
Sorry :P Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I can't remember much further back than Tuesday, so I'll start there... I remember having 'She put de lime in de coconut she drank dem bot' up...' going round and round in my head, so I was dancing round the house singing that over and over and over as I got ready for rocksoc. I went to get the bus and then realized I'd gotten the times wrong so I had an hour to wait. I really really wanted to just start walking, which was such a lovely, if frustrating feeling.
Waiting for the bus was weird and lovely and weird. I used to get the bus 4 miles to school and back every day, and then when I was at college I got trains a lot as well. I've spoken before about how commuting used to be my favourite part of the day, I think? I used to miss the bus a lot - I've never been good at timekeeping. And when I missed it, I would just keep walking, because it usually got me there about the same time as waiting for the next bus would have, and I'd rather walk than stand. I knew that route backwards. There's a sense of control, as well. When you see the bus drive past there's a sense of frustration and powerlessness, and walking took that away. I've always liked walking.
Waiting for the bus, all dressed up in my rocksoc clothes... that took me back to waiting at Ash Vale train station, on my way to a pub or a gig in Farnham or Guildford or a mate's party in Aldershot. That sense of excitement, anticipation, all keyed up and ready to go - and that moment of calm and thought before all that loudness to come. That confidence. Doesn't matter what happens once I'm there, whether I'm the life and soul of the party, or if I turn wallflower and sit in the corner feeling embarrassed and shy and trying to pull the hem of my skirt in the vague direction of my knee, or at least over my pants. Before I get there, I nearly always got that confidence and excitement and anticipation.
--> I miss that, when I drive. When you drive you go from getting ready to in the car and moving to there. There's no waiting, no anticipation.
So I was feeling good, waiting at the stop, with music already kicking at my hindbrain. I love when I move with music in me. And then I realized I had another hour to go, because I'd gotten the times wrong.
And I wanted to walk.
So much. I felt so damn good, so alive, and I wanted to just pick up my skirts and start walking. It's 4 miles. Same old. But some common sense was retained, and I knew that even if I made it somehow - and christ knows, my pain levels aren't THAT good - I'd never enjoy rocksoc afterwards. Even if I wasn't crippley, I was so out of practice a walk like that would eat all my dancing energy. So I had to restrain myself. That was frustrating, though. A night like that, I would have loved to walk through.
So I thought about hitching a lift - yes, potentially dangerous - but the risks were manageable. I had a phone, people were expecting me, it was a main road going straight to Aber, etc. Buuuuut I was dressed for rocksoc, which upped the risk factor, and I had a walking stick, which could mark me out as potentially vulnerable. Was weighing it up when Duncan rang, and we proceeded to have a lovely long conversation, which distracted me thoroughly, so hitch hiking got put to one side. By the time my phone battery died there was only ten minutes to the next bus, so there was no point by then (plus I wouldn't want to hitch with no phone).
So, bus to town! Still hyper! Still singing 'you put de lime in de coconut' (although I kept it under my breath whilst on the bus). Met up with Rover and Del and then headed to rocksoc...
I should confess at this point that I went to RockSoc with the express intention of putting my bare arm in front of Mike's face at some point... :P I've been wanting to play around with people more lately, and John is fine with that - it's not something he's particularly interested in doing with me, so he doesn't mind me doing it elsewhere. I've always thought Mike seemed... fun :P And I've been thinking about seeing if he'd like to play some time for a while, but I wasn't sure if he was interested in doing anything with me - we'd never really flirted or anything. But then, as I realized some time ago, only really women or guys who knew me from before me and John got together flirt with me nowadays, because those are the people I flirt with. I was in full-on monogamous mindset for the first couple of years, and that set a pattern. I was flirting with 'safe' people. I started wanting to break that pattern, but felt like no guys really thought of me that way - when of course that's how I've been presenting myself, of course they won't. So, back to Mike...
He mentioned on fetlife that if you shove an arm in front of his face he tends to bite it. So I figured I'd make sure I shoved my arm in front of him at some point and see what happened from there :)
It was a simple plan. It worked very well :D So, apparently I like being bitten. I don't usually tell bitey people this, because I don't like how most bitey people bite. There are certain people - mostly, but not exclusively, young women - who like to go around biting people, from cold, as hard as they can. This is not my thing. I want to enjoy being bitten, not endure it. If you walk up to me and bite me on the shoulder as hard as you can my first reaction will be to want to punch you in the face. As with most pain play, I'm more a fan of the slow build-up, pushing to the edge of what I can stand, and then maybe a little more here and there.
So, I was quite happy having Mike gnaw on my arm from time to time. Gnawing is good. So far so good. I switched seats so I was next to him rather than reaching all the way across the table, and I can't remember how the head stroking started, but it did :) I've been kind of interested in puppy play from an owner perspective, and figured this was a good chance to try it. One arm being gnawed on, the other giving Mike scritchings and strokings. He made some mention of needing to go before too long 'cause he had work the next day, and I tried to convince him not to, which seemed to work. Then I popped to the loo at one point, and when I came back he was stood up getting ready to leave..
My choice of words was - amusingly enough - completely inadvertent, and yet spot on. I just looked at him, frowned, and said "Sit."
So, he did.
That was a quarter to 12. The next, what, hour and a half? Was fun. Somewhat more fun than expected.
From just a bit of gnawing on my arm and me stroking his head, things got a bit more intense, whilst still being just... puppy play. I'm pretty sure my description is going to be insufficient, especially given people's reactions when I've tried talking about this so far. But I want to try, because the culmination was one of the hottest moments I've had in RockSoc, which, frankly, is saying something. Let's put aside that it was 'puppy play' and all the connotations most people have for that. Especially the cutesiness. That's the side that's never appealed, and it really wasn't a cutesy sort of thing.
I will preface this by explaining, in case anyone doesn't get it: It was intense, and hot, and I fucking loved it, and it in no way diminishes what's between me and John have, and was in no way dishonest to him, and he knows about it and is absolutely fine. Ok, we all cool?
Oh, also, don't mention I said anything about this to Mike, 'cause I'm totally crushing on him right now and am feeling all shy and awkward about it [ie what if it wasn't nearly as awesome from his point of view, or he's freaked out by my being so holyfuckthatwasawesome about it, or whatever...]
So. The head strokings and scritchings carried on, and the bitings got a bit more intense, and some of it was gentle soft gnawing and almost more love bitey than bitey bitey and then some of it would build up and up with nips here and there and long hard bites where it's good but it hurts and it's good but it hurts and it hurts and then it hurts so much you just - can't - bear - it and then release and ohhh that's good
and then we sort of... swapped. He started stroking and scritching me and mmmm that was good - I'm into sensation play more than power play, and I adore being stroked and scratched and I started biting him back and I found I enjoyed that a lot too, and then we were both biting and stroking and scritching and when my hand isn't being chewed on we're holding hands and stroking fingers together and there's a lot of... nuzzling? Rubbings heads together and biting necks and ears and I'm starting to lose myself, completely - that was what stepped it up a gear, the entire rest of rocksoc could have fucked off to another pub and I wouldn't have noticed, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing at all
- to start with there was a lot of that, will he like this? Do I like this? maybe I should do this, or that, am I biting too hard, not hard enough - not in a distracting way, just an inquisitive, still feeling things out kind of way - I didn't know what his boundaries were, or really what mine were, and so I was paying attention to body language and stuff, trying to figure out what was ok and what wasn't - trying to figure out if kissing was a-ok or not was the weirdest one, things were getting quite intense and my instinct was to start making out, but he kept his head down or away and I wasn't sure if he just didn't want to kiss, or wanted to but thought he shouldn't, or was waiting for me to make the first move - and I didn't want to push things into an area he was uncomfortable with - we did sort of kiss once, briefly, but it felt... weirdly human? Heh, not a phrase I'd have expected to use. I don't know, but we didn't kiss mouth to mouth again after that, and it was fine.
and then there was no thought, just biting and hair pulling and stroking and my hair's everywhere it's in my mouth in his mouth and it doesn't matter I even kind of like it - normally I hate when my hair gets in my mouth or in the way - but it was just all so... feral. That's probably the best word. And there were so many sensations and I'm so turned on and I'm just want and take and we're biting and pulling hair and stroking and and and
and then someone put Closer by Nine Inch Nails on.
Fucking hell yes. I mean, I love that song anyway, it never fails to get me unremittingly horny. Now imagine That Song when we're already biting and clawing at each other and there's hair and saliva everywhere and it's so fucking hot and I feel completely uninhibited I've forgotten about the rest of the world there's just this and we're both singing along in between so I'm biting his ear and he's nuzzling my shoulder and pulling my hair and we're both singing - quietly, just loud enough we can both hear, just.. reciting - I WANT TO FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL - and he's biting me and it's so good and - I WANT TO FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE - and that damn beat's running through me and...
yeah. That's going on my list of hottest rocksoc moments. I think the unexpectedness and discovery of it is half of what made it so good - I've had some pretty fucking uninhibited moments, but not often that uninhibited, and not for quite some time. Being sky high mood-wise already will have been a big part of it, I was already feeling free and high and on top of the world and I get so... tactile, when I'm like that, anyway - everything is sensation, to have such an amazing amount of sensory overload when I'm already keyed up, and in a way I've not tried before - yes yes I've stroked and bitten and scratched before and I've been stroked and bitten and scratched, but I haven't done THAT before and if the distinction isn't already evident I'm not sure how I can identify it - and then the music...
Everything came together for a song :D
We subsided into stroking and nuzzling over the next song and then Mike checked the time and it'd been a good hour and a half or so since I told him to sit and he had work in the morning, and I was a goopy mess of endorphins by this point anyway, so I let him go this time :P
I then danced my little socks off for a bit, ran into a bloke I used to work with at the Fountain and chatted to him for a while, and then headed back to Rover's (via the kebab shop) about 2am-ish.
Oh, I chatted to a bloke on the dance floor at one point, who turned out to be a bit of a tard. He said something that deserved an aw bless, so I reached out to tousle his hair, and he proceeded to bite my hand. Not in a nice gnawing sort of way, in more of an 'I'm trying to draw blood' kind of way. Exactly the kind of biter I dislike - too hard and non-consensual. He was biting over the knuckles with my fingers bent closed into a fist, so it was a nasty place to bite, too, and it fucking hurt. I shouted ow, and he kept biting so I kicked him in the shins. At which point he let go, and said 'that's what happens when you mess with a vampire' and walked off. At which point I pissed myself laughing.
Anyway. Went to bed. Got a bit of sleep, but not much, 'cause I was still buzzing. I lay there for hours until I felt like I could justify getting up, and I went for a walk into town.
So at 7 in the morning I wandered along the seafront in my red leather trench, top hat, and red spotty ladybird umbrella, singing at the waves, through the rain. And it was fucking amazing.
This is what I've missed. These moments. I haven't had these. No, I've not had the crushing suicidal depressions, either, let's not forget that, but I haven't had the highs. I haven't felt that overwhelming sense of beauty and love and joy. I loved the world that morning - I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the sea, and the smell of the rain and the way it felt on my skin, and I felt like my heart might burst out of my chest with love for it all.
[I remember that when I first came to Aber - sitting on the beach feeling my heart all swollen with how beautiful and amazing it was - and moments like that have always been what got me through all the shit, the way everything could come together for one small moment and be perfect in their tiny nothingness... I remember walking to the railway station one morning at college in the middle of a bad patch, and having that feeling, and picking a great big daisy-type flower and feeling so at peace with everything and holding that feeling close, knowing that was what would get me through, because no matter what happened, no matter if I didn't have money to eat, no matter if I failed everything, if I was lonely or scared or tired, no matter what shit fell on me, I knew that sooner or later I would be able to look up and put it all to one side and LOVE everything, however it was, and so nothing could hold any fear for me, because nothing could be bigger than that, nothing could take that away]
I bought breakfast and came back to Rover's and oh this post is so long I've done the important part, basically everything has been lovely, and John's got his car fixed, and I have my John back, and my dad's buying me a car, and I've been singing and painting and IT'S ALL SO BLOODY LOVELY
I just wanted to fix this where it can't slip away. My mind has eaten so much and I don't even know how much because I don't know what's gone until I reach for it, and some of it I don't even know to reach for.
Plus right now I'm a gobby cow, so all my thoughts seem to need to spill out somewhere or I might burst.
Sorry :P Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee