[private] Belladonna.
I have found, after all this time, that there is something yet left to fear.
Perhaps I should delete this before I become too honest with myself write something incriminating. Security is not guaranteed -- Omi is not the only cracker capable of hacking into my journal.
Or perhaps the time for denial is over.
How does one regain what is lost? It is easy enough if it is a material posession, something you can cup in your hands. But no one has ever taught me how to regain my capacity for tenderness, to be able to touch another person without destroying him.
I can never become Ran again. Nor am I Aya-chan -- she would be able to let herself love Ken without reservation.
I am simply Aya.
I dream sometimes of reaching into my sister's heart while she sleeps. I am looking for something, searching with my fingers, and I can feel her heart beating against my skin. I always wake up before I find it.
I think I could want to give it to Ken, whatever it is.
It would be simpler if this was purely a physical attraction. I have had sex on that basis in the past. At times it even helped smooth over... fractious working partnerships. I do what I need to in order to get the mission done -- on my terms.
I would be lying if I say that I have not considered propositioning Ken. It angers me that he tries to pretend I do not exist, and his increasing instability concerns me. We are all damned in this place, but at the very least we should not be as mad as our targets.
However, my reaction to his post makes it clear that involving myself with Ken will not be wise. I have faced enough death and guilt without putting myself in a situation that could break me again. I do not want to break Ken, either.
Even if we could be happy, even if I could give him what he wants and receive something in return... what makes me deserving of any of it?
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I am tired of this.
I will sleep and dream.
Perhaps I should delete this before I become too honest with myself write something incriminating. Security is not guaranteed -- Omi is not the only cracker capable of hacking into my journal.
Or perhaps the time for denial is over.
How does one regain what is lost? It is easy enough if it is a material posession, something you can cup in your hands. But no one has ever taught me how to regain my capacity for tenderness, to be able to touch another person without destroying him.
I can never become Ran again. Nor am I Aya-chan -- she would be able to let herself love Ken without reservation.
I am simply Aya.
I dream sometimes of reaching into my sister's heart while she sleeps. I am looking for something, searching with my fingers, and I can feel her heart beating against my skin. I always wake up before I find it.
I think I could want to give it to Ken, whatever it is.
It would be simpler if this was purely a physical attraction. I have had sex on that basis in the past. At times it even helped smooth over... fractious working partnerships. I do what I need to in order to get the mission done -- on my terms.
I would be lying if I say that I have not considered propositioning Ken. It angers me that he tries to pretend I do not exist, and his increasing instability concerns me. We are all damned in this place, but at the very least we should not be as mad as our targets.
However, my reaction to his post makes it clear that involving myself with Ken will not be wise. I have faced enough death and guilt without putting myself in a situation that could break me again. I do not want to break Ken, either.
Even if we could be happy, even if I could give him what he wants and receive something in return... what makes me deserving of any of it?
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I am tired of this.
I will sleep and dream.