How things are going...
I was supposed to work my first real shift last night at the second job but she had called me to cancel and I missed the call. She told me to stay four hours and learn so I did. I didn't do all that well, which scares me. I have a feeling she's going to tell me I'm not scheduled for any shifts at all, by which I mean I will lose the job. Maybe telling them I was worried I didn't have the skills was a huge mistake, but I really couldn't handle it.
It's also possible that she's expecting me to stick to my original schedule and go to the other house which just would not work. I'm going to have to talk to her Monday.
I really don't know what I'm going to do. I can't freak out again and go back to the hospital I have to keep going. But I don't know how I can.
I was going to see a great place near my work today but I called to confirm and it's already been rented.
I feel guilty that I'm not considering sharing a room and I'm insisting on a private room. But I sleep during the day and I need my sleep, plus I need privacy. (Also I don't see that many ads for that anyway.) But if I move into a place I can't afford I'm in big trouble, and if I don't find a place soon I am in huge trouble.
I may have made a mistake wanting to switch to days at work because it will be less hours than graveyard. I did it so I would have more hours to work the second job but it looks like I may be out of luck on the second job. But also it's hard for me to get there at night without a car so there's that. And I need some kind of second job, or a new job. I haven't even been looking at the job listings because I haven't had they seem to be the same places over and over who are never interested. Plus I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a CNA. Which means I'm not cut out to be anything really.
I used to know that no matter what happened my dad would be there to help. Now he's gone and I just don't know.
I'm sorry I keep making these long posts about how my life is. I just feel better when I let it out, like I have someone to talk to about all this.