[Ships at Sea] Run Away

[roseletters]

Title: Run Away
Story/Character: Ships at Sea / Godscalck, Johim, Theophrastus
Rating: PG-13
word count: 1,940

brigits_flame prompt of "a fool and his money".

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Comments

[writteninsight]

You have me entirely hooked into this story. Very well done!

edit

[chaotic_vanity]

Hi, I'm one of your editors this week :)

I love the opening paragraph; it really drew me into the story and I always appreciate that. You provide lots of details and insights into the characters without it ever feeling like too much. Your descriptions of the boy in the beginning are particularly effective.

Two grammar changes:

And then, tapping one blunt finger against his own temple, he said, "Is he touched?"

then, before the boy could duck back out again, he added, "hold a moment."

Most of your grammar is perfect, but just remember that you have to have a tag before any dialogue, even if you're continuing what someone has just said.

Like someone else commented, your pacing is really well done. You reveal just enough at a time and that takes a lot of skill. I really enjoyed this; nice job!

Edits

[jamais_toujours]

Hey, I'm your other editor for this piece :).

* They were still two days out of Portugal seas by the time Godscalck decided that his Navigator was stark raving, more so than normal. - Great opening line, sets the scene straight away and draws the reader in. I'd suggest leaving out the "more so than normal" to make it even tighter. Also, you're missing the word "mad".

*Don't overuse adjectives. Less is more: they are more effective when they are few and far between.

*For the remaining ten percent - which was when he could be pried out of Johim's grasp - he was a walking disaster. - Good use of conflicting descriptions, makes me want to read on.

*Your dialogue is strong, believable and humourous. Nice job.

*"Tell Beeck's to make the change," - No need for the apostrophe s here.

*He couldn't properly tell, under the burn on the boy's cheeks, how much was sun and how much was a flush. - LOVE this detail.

*Nice twist with the boy turning out to have sight problems. Wasn't expecting it.

Let me know if you have any other questions :)