Dandelion and Thistledown (1/4)
Part One Part Two Part Three Part FourI still feel that this is my signature piece. It was one of the few I still had up on my Elfy shelf, and now that's gone, I wanted to put it up here. Apologies for spamming those who are already familiar with it. I'm doing a quick tidying job on it, mostly to fix continuity errors which have arisen since
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:) Thanks.
Any nitpicks you do find are gratefully received, but I've been through this a few times now, so I've picked up a lot of the obvious ones. Of course, commas and semicolons are a constant bugbear of mine ;) I stripped out a lot of stray semicolons when I was reading this through the other day.
Good pick. I was thinking about her life on the rooftops, but that doesn't fit if she's staring at the streets. Thanks :)
*grins* It's a common pet name for a child in his culture.
I adore Nimbus, even when he steals stories and generally drives me insane. He's such a joy to write, because he's a genuinely good guy under all the bravado and melodrama.
Thank you for the lovely comment :) I'm glad you enjoyed this - it's one of my favourites.
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I love the idea of voices being like lace. ^-^ It's very, very easy for me to picture. Very pretty imagery there.
They were all absorbed in their game: they would not see her passing. <- not a semi-colon? *curious, mostly*
she sprang away from the chimney and ran lightly <- not sure you need to specify the chimney. It's mildly repetitive with the compound 'chimney pot', but it does work this way. Try both and see which you prefer?
he sea-girt queen of the world;Isola the glorious, <- missed a space, there. I do love the interwoven nursery rhyme there. It adds a nice little touch of the ordinary, both in the sense of it being a nursery rhyme and it being so very far from Aylili's (new) world. It's a gorgeous opening, me dear.
But that was in another time; in someone else’s life, and she would not think on it <- very sad events there, but the descriptions are utterly gorgeous. Again, so easy to picture and vivid, despite not focusing on every detail. The shadows of gulls' wings is a ( ... )
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The man immediately knelt beside her. <- did he move? He was crouching a moment ago. This is likely just an issue with my understanding of movements, mind.
“Clear and beauteous, the tears of the rain to cleanse a wound. Or if we cannot find fresh water we will use vinegar, though it will sting, perchance.” <- *loves Nimbus, loves Aylili's reaction to getting her scratch cleaned up* It's such a wonderful and lively scene, this.
The name meant nothing to Aylili and it must have shown for he said, indignantly, “It is no matter to joke upon, you tease of a child.” <- Ahhh, and the sheer Nimbosity shows. Wonderful descriptions throughout. Something tells me I'm going to keep saying that if I don't force myself to restrict it to a repetition at the end, though…
afraid..[.]”
She was too sleepy to respond[,] but he kept talking anyway.
And whispering through her memories was <- was or were? Asking because I can see both being grammatically correct depending on how the list following is read, so I'm curious whether it's absolutely ( ... )
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*snugs Nimbus* His ego gets badly bruised in this one. Bless him, he's not even exaggerating that much - it just sounds that way.
I had so much fun writing the washing line scene. It's still one of my favourite scenes ever.
This whole story was about the relationship between the two of them. They bounce off each other in such interesting ways, yet they're good for each other.
Thanks for the super-comment, especially given you've read this before. I'm glad it works the second time round as well.
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Meh, semi-colons. I hate them and change them when Word tells me too.
Thanks for all the picks.
I wanted Nimbus' first appearance to be startling, bless him.
Aylili is arrogant - for me it's one of the big clues about her background. She may not talk, but her thought patterns are very like Nimbus'.
Sorry to be such a slowpoke getting back to you. You are a marvel *hugs*
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