Sakura, Ino One-shots: "Lay It On" + "Shadowgirl"

[rot_chan]

Two companion one-shots for the week 3 exercise at write_dattebayo . It's about what would happen, in first person POV, when two characters who don't get along walk into a room and see one another there.

**Important: I also have a new fic journal. Yes, I am that fickle. It is called

Comments

CRITIQUE --- Ino [1/1]

[aestover]

The colon usage in the first sentence looks awkward, but that could just be me. That's the only awkward sentence in this piece, but it's not really a big deal ;P

Your characterization of Ino was very, very good. She was delicate and dependent on others to make herself feel good, but it was very subtly done. I'm not used to Ino not being confident in herself, but I was able to read through this without going "what am I reading?" at all. That's awesome xD.

I love the last line, about social reputation. That's so like her, and I'm glad you ended her piece with that. It's like a little piece of confident!Ino that's still in her, and it really comes out in that line.

Re: CRITIQUE --- Ino [1/1]

[rot_chan]

Thanks for the critique. I'm glad you liked my characterization of Ino; since writing this 5-chapter fic called "Spokes" I have been working on my characterization of her, and trying to perfect it. I'm glad you liked how I depicted her here, and totally understood what I was going for. Like a girl who is seen as popular, but is deeper and not as confident as she seems.

CRITIQUE --- sakura [1/1]

[aestover]

Sakura~~~ She's so delicate, so fragile; I was reading this with a sort of... edge-of-my-seat kind of feel the whole time because she just seemed so fragile. Her tone here made me feel as if her words would tumble off the screen and dissolve into nothing.

Seventeen actually promotes a healthy lifestyle, and is one of the many well-known magazines that try to stamp out eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders in teens (It's Cosmo that does otherwise by not addressing it at all).

You seem to have gotten the dive into the disorders pretty well, as well as the portrayal. I'm very happy about this, as most writers usually skimp out on the facts and make things even more dramatic than they should be.

The last lines. They're so beautiful. You can feel her relief when Ino acknowledges her, and it's just so... hnnngh!

I JUST LOVE THIS, OKAY? THIS BLOWS MY MIND. ♥

Re: CRITIQUE --- sakura [1/1]

[rot_chan]

I'm so glad you liked Sakura in this. For some reason I felt I was on the verge of making her OOC...I'm glad I wrote her well. I see Sakura as more of the type who would suffer from restricting, and in this way, I juxtaposed her to Ino. Ino seems more reckless and emotionally unconfident here, whereas Sakura is strict and heavily guarded...I think personality and personal issues play a huge role in how an ED takes shape.

I totally get what you mean about Seventeen magazine. You're right, it isn't unhealthy - I heavily fictionalized there. Cosmo would have been a better choice actually!

Aww, I'm glad you liked the last lines so much...I wanted them to be really touching and powerful. I appreciate how much you liked it ♥

[weisquared]

(here from write-dattebayo. I wasn't assigned to you, but I hope you wouldn't mind another critique? Overall, I thought it was lovely

[rot_chan]

Aww, thanks hun! That's sweet of you to want to critique this when you don't need to. That makes me feel great, that you liked these two drabbles so much 8D

I'm glad you like the details again. I tried to make it interesting, with good style, despite having only 500 words for each character. I found it a bit challenging to make the setting strong with so few words, and I'm glad I pulled it off!

Thanks again for pointing out my grammatical errors. I agree with #2, it does sound somewhat awkward how I wrote that sentence. (BTW For #1, I meant 'our middle school' because I wanted her to refer to Sakura, who Ino does see walk in by that point :')