Fic: Down the List
Title: Down the List (Into the Lion's Den and Out of the Closet part 3/4)
Pairing: Albus Severus/OMC
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and friends belong to JKR
Summary: Al didn't realize that coming out was such a never-ending process.
A/N: This is part of a series that I started ages ago, originally prompted by the lgbtfest. Since there's been a bit of renewed interest, I'm finally posting the third part. The fourth will go up when I get around to writing it, though there's no telling when that will be. Thanks to killing_rose who was my excellent beta when this was first written.
ETA: I currently have no plans to continue this series, for which I apologize. But hopefully the first three stories stand well enough on their own.
(And if you're patiently waiting for the next chapter of Missing Pages, it's with the beta, so don't despair!)
The Dinner Table
Head First and Eyes Closed
Down the List
For the first time ever, Al was positively itching to get to Potions. Obviously, it had nothing to do with the class itself. All morning he had been bursting with the news that he, Albus Potter, in a shockingly Gryffindor display, had finally snogged Kirk Wallace, very thoroughly, and very mutually. And since the only person he could actually tell was Drew, and the only time they ever got to talk was in Potions, he had never been so anxious to get to class.
He took his seat next to Drew with a wide grin and a heartfelt, “Morning!”
Drew was hardly a morning person, and scowled at the greeting. “Why’re you in such a good mood?”
Instead of standing on a desk to proclaim, “I snogged Kirk!” Al simply shrugged and leaned down to get his Potions book. He was still grinning uncontrollably, and when he looked up Drew was eyeing him suspiciously.
“You weren’t doing cheering charms, were you?”
“Nope.”
Drew let out an exaggerated sigh. “You’re going to make me guess, aren’t you?”
“Guess what?” Al innocently asked, pulling out a few ingredients.
“Oh, come on Al. How am I supposed to -” Suddenly, Drew’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t!”
“Quiet!” Al hissed, before breaking out into a new grin. “I did.”
Drew leaned in and lowered his voice. “When? I thought you were avoiding him again. And I thought he wasn’t…you know.”
“I was, but he is.” Al looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Last night. The library.”
Drew snorted. “You swot. So what, you were busy studying away and he just came up and kissed you?”
“Drew, shut up!” Al dropped his voice to barely a whisper. “Actually, I - I sort of kissed him first.”
Drew stared, then started laughing out loud, causing a few students to turn their heads. “Yeah right.”
“What, you don’t believe me?” Al kept his indignation for all of two seconds before laughing as well - he was in far too good a mood to feel affronted. Besides, he wouldn’t have believed himself a week ago. But ever since last night he was feeling like a whole new person.
“So I guess that means you won’t be transferring to Hufflepuff after all, huh?”
Al shrugged. “Guess not.”
Class began, and conversation was quickly stifled as their professor went over the preparation of Amortentia. The irony wasn’t lost on Al, who amused himself throughout the lecture thinking of the poor desperate souls who would need to resort to such a potion.
It was a good thing Drew had been paying attention to the instructions, because Al hadn’t absorbed a word. Drew sighed in frustration and began walking Al through the steps. It wasn’t until some time later, with the first stage of their concoctions safely simmering, that Drew suddenly turned to him and asked, “So what, are you two boyfriends now or something?”
Al blanched, and once again shot a look around the room. “Would you be quiet? People are going to hear you, prat.”
“Stop being paranoid.” Drew pointed an accusatory ladle at Al. “You’re just trying to avoid the question.”
“Well, yeah, we…” Al trailed off mid sentence. Truth be told, he didn’t know what they were. Even though there had been snogging the night before - a lot of it - there hadn’t really been much talking. And following Al’s new policy, he hadn’t really thought it over, either. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Drew shook his head in a fondly frustrated gesture. “You should probably find that out, you know.”
Al’s potion chose that moment to start bubbling over, and he used it as an excuse to promptly drop the topic.
***
Despite the seeds of doubt Drew had planted, the rest of the day passed in a blissful haze. Al found he was barely able to pay attention in any of his classes, and when he returned to the common room later that night to start his homework, he didn’t fare much better. Especially since Kirk was sitting right there, with a group of his seventh year friends, drifting away from the conversation every now and then to turn and make ridiculous faces at Al. Al tried very hard to ignore him and focus on his essay. He had to work especially hard not to grin at his parchment.
It was well into the night, and most students had already gone up to their dorms, when Kirk sauntered over to Al’s table and sat across from him. Al kept his eyes on his parchment, pretending not to notice. He wrote a new sentence, and then distractedly scratched it out when he felt the tip of a trainer dragging along his trousers, making the skin underneath prickle.
“Some of us are working, you know,” Al said. He finally looked up, trying his best to look dead serious, and having the distinct impression that he was failing miserably.
“Are you calling me a distraction?” Kirk asked with raised eyebrows. “Because I can be a hell of a lot more distracting.” He placed his hand over Al’s on the table.
Al instinctively jerked it away, shooting a glance at the two third years sitting by the fireplace. Then he looked back at Kirk, and his stomach dropped.
Kirk’s entire demeanor had changed; his playful smirk had vanished. He leaned far back in his seat and crossed his arms. “Oh, what?” he snapped. “You just wanted one good snog, and now you’re done?”
“What?” Al kept shooting nervous looks toward the third years, but they seemed to be fully engrossed in their own whispered discussion. “No. No, of course not. It’s not like that at all. I just…” Al couldn’t help glancing at the other students once again.
Kirk followed his gaze, and his shoulders relaxed, though he looked no less displeased. He slowly rubbed a hand over his face. “Shit. Of course. You’re not out yet.”
It was a statement, not a question, but Al shook his head anyway. He assumed that family didn’t count.
Kirk stared at him, sizing him up, and the concerns Al had been avoiding all day flooded back at once. He didn’t know anything about being gay. How could he possibly keep up in a relationship when it had only taken him 24 hours to do something wrong? He wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong, whether Kirk was more upset about the unconscious withdrawal of his hand or his entire closeted life.
All he could do was wait and watch as Kirk slowly came to a decision. Kirk leaned forward once again, fixing Al with a determined stare. “Ok. Ok, it’s like this. I’m not - I’m not playing games with you, Potter. I’m not going to start tiptoeing around just to make you comfortable. So if you want to do this, that’s it. You’ll have to start telling people. Or don’t, I don’t really care, I’m just not…I’m not going out of my way to hide it for you, got it? I’m not going back in the closet for your sake.” He looked down and once again covered Al’s hand with his own. This time there was nothing playful about the gesture. “So I guess you can take it or leave it.”
That’s when Al detected the edge of fear underneath the resolve in Kirk’s voice. Kirk was afraid of his own ultimatum; he probably expected Al to bolt from the room at the first opportunity. Al almost laughed because it couldn’t have been further from his mind.
“I’ll take it,” he quickly responded. Kirk let out a held breath, and smiled brilliantly, a smile that warmed Al’s insides. He was glad to know he’d finally said the right thing, and it spurred him on. “I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. I’m going to tell people, I’ve been meaning to all year, it’s just, well…how did you do it? I mean, how do you get everyone together at the same time? What did you say?”
Kirk looked confused for a moment, and then quietly chuckled. “Sorry Al, but it doesn’t work like that. No one gets it over with all at once; it takes bloody forever. So you better start making the rounds before I do it for you.” Al’s apprehension must have shown in his face, because Kirk’s tone turned teasing. “Oh, come on, what sort of Gryffindor are you, anyway?”
Al looked down at their touching hands and looked over one last time to the oblivious third years. Apparently he was the sort that required all of his courage just to keep his hand still, just to allow their skin to touch in the presence of others. But he didn’t dare voice that answer out loud. What he said instead was, “The sort that had to make the first move, you arse.”
Kirk grinned and leaned forward over the desk, resting his entire weight on Al’s hand so he could quickly and quietly press their lips together. Al shivered, and worked hard to ignore the pair of eyes that could turn and discover them at any moment.
***
So Al’s incredulous joy at his first (very attractive and funny and smart) boyfriend was tempered by the prospect of finally coming out to his friends. The next morning, as he was brooding over this task, he looked up to find himself alone in the dorm with Gary, his closest mate in Gryffindor.
The two of them enjoyed an easy friendship that had begun on their third night of sharing a dorm, once it was discovered that Al had an extra chocolate frog card of Roberta Highsmith, the inventor of wizarding photography. When Gary unveiled his extra copy of Agrippa, they both decided that the friendship was meant to be.
What made it easy was that, with Gary, there were no expectations and no complications. They spent plenty of time together listening to Gary’s wireless, playing exploding snap, or complaining about class, but they never fought and they never, ever discussed anything serious. Those were the unspoken rules. Al felt a little guilty, if not flat out uncomfortable, with breaking those rules now, and complicating a system that had worked so well for six years.
“I have something to tell you.” The words left Al’s mouth before he realized he was saying them, and his heart began working overtime when Gary looked up in surprise.
“Yeah?” Gary grinned. “Hey, if this is about the Dungbombs in Lucas’ bed, I really don’t want to know.”
“No, I…” Al’s voice stopped working. The blood pounding in his temples was making him lightheaded, and he suddenly realized that he was terrified. All over again. Time hadn’t made this any easier, although he hadn’t exactly had much practice.
Gary stopped smiling to give him a look of concern, which somehow made it even worse. “What is it?”
Al hesitated, but there was nothing for it but to blurt it out and get it over with, regardless of how it would or wouldn’t damage things. He reminded himself that he was doing this for Kirk.
“I’m gay.”
He hadn’t said those two words together out loud since the Hogwarts Express with James and Lily, and he couldn’t help feeling strangely detached from them. The statement still felt like something that had been forced onto him, not a part of himself.
“Oh. Okay.” Gary quickly looked down at the chocolate frog cards he had been alphabetizing, and an awkward discomfort silently bloomed between them. “Well, that’s cool. I mean, not cool I guess, but it’s okay. As long as I don’t find you in my bed in the middle of the night, right?” Gary let out a forced laughed, but Al just sat there, frozen, struggling with the second part to his confession.
“Also…” Al began, as Gary looked back up at him. “Well, I’m already seeing someone.”
Gary waited a beat, and when Al said nothing, prompted him with, “Anyone I know?”
Of course Gary knew Kirk. Everyone knew Kirk. Everyone in the whole sodding school knew Kirk. “You know Kirk?”
“Oh.” Gary blinked at him in obvious surprise. “Kirk Wallace? I didn’t…nevermind. Hey, um, I’m going to go and get breakfast before they take it away. You - are you coming?”
“I’ll catch you up,” Al replied.
Gary looked grateful as he took his leave, although maybe Al was simply imagining that. Al wasn’t feeling very hungry at all. Actually, he was a little concerned about his ability to keep food down just then. So instead, he picked up some blank parchment and headed for the owlery, somewhere he could hope to be alone.
***
Al didn’t end up writing a letter. Who was there to write to, anyway? Instead, he took his parchment and quill, found a spot on the ground relatively free of owl droppings, and made a list. First, he wrote down his parents, his siblings, Drew, Kirk, and Gary, and then promptly crossed them off. Following that were only four more names, although he probably could have added more: Lucas, Rose, Bret and Jackie. Seven down and four to go. The numbers made him feel slightly better, but not very.
Intellectually, he knew that telling Gary had gone well enough. He wasn’t upset, or angry, or disgusted - meaning he’d reacted a lot better than Al’s parents had. So why did Al feel that same unsettling aftermath sensation in his stomach? Why did he feel like he had stepped out of his own skin? Admitting he was gay didn’t feel liberating; it still left him feeling like a stranger.
Discomfort. That was how Gary had reacted. He had clearly felt uncomfortable, and Al had been doubly so. It hadn’t been like that with Drew, but then again, Drew was an anomaly - a Hufflepuff one, at that. The rest of the list would probably react like Gary, or worse.
The sound of approaching footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts. Al inwardly cursed, and hastily shoved the list into his bag before jumping to his feet.
But the slight panic was unnecessary, because the intruder turned out to be Kirk. When Al saw him, he relaxed and said, “Oh. It’s you.”
Kirk tilted his head. “Yeah, nice to see you too. You didn’t come down for breakfast, so I nicked you an apple.” He tossed the fruit to Al, who was about to insist he wasn’t hungry, except his stomach beat him to it with an unfortunate grumble. Al thanked him and took a bite, while Kirk watched him with uncomfortable concern. “Um, are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
The statement came out much more bitter than sincere, and Kirk must have noticed the tone. But just because they were going together, Al rationalized, didn’t mean he had to start telling Kirk every little detail in his life. Besides, he wasn’t exactly sure how Kirk would react; this was personal, and it seemed selfish and needy of him to test the boundaries of their relationship so early on. Al was perfectly capable of working out his problems on his own, which was exactly what he planned to do. “Listen, I was just sending a letter, but I have to go get some work done. I’ll be in the library if you need me…”
Al tried to step past him, but Kirk grabbed his arm, probably a bit harder than intended. “Bullshit. It’s Saturday morning. You’re not running off to do work; you’re telling me what’s going on.” Kirk’s voice suddenly took on some of the anger from last night, and under that, the same hint of fear, as though Al were something fragile he might inadvertently scare away. This time Al resented him for it, as he leaned back against the stone wall, crossing his arms.
“What do you want me to tell you?”
Kirk clenched his hands into fists. “Well, you can start by telling me why you’re trying to avoid me.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Oh, and I suppose you weren’t going to ditch me just now?” Kirk gestured angrily to the exit. “It’s fine, you know. I get it. You’re too scared to come out, right? If you don’t want to do this, I just wish you’d be a Gryffindor about it and tell me instead of running away.”
Al blinked at him with sudden understanding. Kirk opened his mouth, but before he could make any more false accusations, Al cut in with, “I told my friend Gary.”
Kirk froze with his mouth hanging open. “You did?”
“Yeah. Just now.”
“Oh.” Kirk paused. His tone immediately lost its aggressive edge - all that was left was the trace of fear. “Um, so what did he say?”
Al shrugged and looked to his feet. “He said it was fine.”
“And…is it?” Al looked up to find Kirk staring at him in concern, and finally realized what an idiot he was being. If there were anyone he could actually talk to about what this felt like, it was Kirk.
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
Kirk hesitantly reached out to place a hand on Al’s arm. Al gave a small, grateful smile. Although they didn’t say anything, it was enough to know that he wasn’t the only one who’s had to go through this crap. He could work out the details later - for now, the unspoken comfort was enough.
They stood like that for a moment before Kirk brought him into a full hug, then stepped back and let his hands drop to his sides. “So…does that mean you told him about me, too?”
“Well, I told him we were going out.”
“Was he surprised?”
“Yeah, sort of but -“ Al broke off, realizing what Kirk was asking. “Gary didn’t know you’re gay?”
“Probably not. I mean, I never told him; it’s not like we’re close friends or anything.”
“But - you’re out. I thought everyone knew.” Al looked on in confusion as Kirk grinned. Clearly he was missing something.
“Seriously?” Kirk said. “You think all of Hogwarts knows I’m gay?” He laughed at the thought. “Being out isn’t on or off like lumos, you know. I told a few people, and I know some other people figured it out, but everyone else either doesn’t care or hasn’t noticed. You didn’t know.”
Al smiled in embarrassment. “Yeah, but I thought I was just being oblivious.”
“You may be oblivious, Al, but not that oblivious.” Kirk moved forward to plant a kiss on his mouth, which turned into two, and then a series. The concept of casually snogging the very boy who made his heart stutter was still a new one. “Come on,” Kirk said, finally pulling away. “I happen to know there’s no one on the pitch right now. Finish that apple and grab your broom. You’d better have been joking about that library rubbish.”
***
In their first year, Lucas had been the one boy Al had to beg not to put up the Harry Potter poster by his bed. Although they got along just fine, Al still had the feeling that, in Lucas’s eyes, he would forever be Harry Potter’s Son. So he was expecting his confession to be met with shock or disappointment. Heaven forbid the Boy Who Lived fathered a boy who liked boys. Al had even prepared a speech about how he was just a normal guy with tons of problems like anyone else.
In reality, Lucas never even bothered looking up from his History book.
“Uh, Lucas? There’s something I wanted to tell you.”
Lucas flipped a page. “Yeah? What’s that?”
Al took a deep breath and steadied his voice. “I’m gay.”
Lucas’s eyes stilled over the page he’d been perusing. After a short, tense moment he said, “Okay,” and grabbed a quill to underline a particular passage.
“And I’m going out with Kirk.”
“Well I guessed that much.”
Al was taken aback for a moment, and stood there waiting for some sort of elaboration. Were they that obvious? Sure, they were spending a lot of time together lately, but it was still very friendly on the surface. Despite their earlier discussion, Kirk seemed content to keep their affectionate moments private.
Lucas finally looked up from his book, and caught Al staring. He pointed to the page he had been reading, and asked, “Did your dad ever tell you about the Chamber of Secrets?”
Al gave a dramatic sigh, and excused himself to see if Kirk was back from practice yet.
***
Al didn’t remember what excuse he gave for spending the next Hogsmeade weekend with Kirk instead of his dorm mates. What he did remember was the way Gary avoided looking at him, the way Lucas arched his eyebrows but kept his mouth shut, and the way Bret rolled his eyes and jokingly asked, “What, is he taking you to Madame Puddifoot’s or something?” At least, Al assumed Bret was joking, considering he hadn’t come out to him yet.
After the obligatory stop in Honeydukes, Al and Kirk definitely did not go to Madame Puddifoot’s, nor did they head to the Three Broomsticks with everyone else. Instead they chose one of the less popular cafes that Hogsmeade had to offer, where they would be less likely to run into people they knew. The space was cramped and dusky, and Al’s drink smelled vaguely like his failed Amortentia. But it was worth it for a chance of some uninterrupted privacy.
At first they talked about the usual things: classes, people, Quidditch. (Kirk talked about Quidditch; Al pretended to listen.) Then the conversation slowly ventured into new territory. It was amazing how little Al knew about Kirk despite their years of casual friendship, and their solid month as a couple. But even though they were in the same house, and theoretically saw each other every day, they rarely got the chance to see each other. And when they did, their time was usually spent on snogging or flying, not sitting down together and just talking.
For example, Al already knew that Kirk had no idea what to do outside of school, and that he was terrified of the prospect - not that he would ever admit it out loud. What he didn’t know was that Kirk had this romantic notion of living as a muggle for a year, just for the hell of it, just to see if he could. Some of his other unlikely plans involved backpacking through India, deep sea diving, and starting his own farm. Al was especially amused by the last option, considering that Herbology was one of Kirk’s poorest subjects. When he asked what exactly Kirk planned to grow on this farm of his, Kirk’s eyes dramatically widened as he proclaimed, “It’s going to be a llama farm!”
This left Al bent over the table laughing hysterically, probably far more than was warranted. He slowly sat up again, catching his breath, and marveling over what an oddball he had landed himself with. “What are your parents like?” he asked, suddenly curious as to where people like Kirk came from.
Kirk’s smile faltered slightly, then quickly resumed its place. “It’s just my mum actually. My dad left when I was little.”
Al stopped laughing. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t -“
Kirk waved a dismissive hand. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I don’t even remember him. And my mum’s brilliant. She’s even funnier than I am, if you can possibly imagine it. I think you’d like her.”
Kirk’s sincerity had Al grinning again. “Any siblings?”
“One. My sister. She’s much older than me though, and she left a few years after my dad. She’s a solicitor in the States now. Don’t know her too well, actually. Oh, and I have a nephew! But I’ve only seen him a few times, you know, at Christmas and stuff.”
“So it’s just you and your mum, then?”
“Yeah.” Kirk’s eyes suddenly sparkled with mischief. “Oh, and Harry.”
The conversation froze midair. At first, Al didn’t think he had heard him correctly, but Kirk’s expression told him he was being baited. There was definitely a joke at the end of this, and Al wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the punch line. Not that he had much of a choice. “Okay, who’s Harry?” he asked cautiously.
“My dog,” Kirk replied.
Al sighed, and gave in. He should have known it was only a matter of time before this came up. “And let me guess. You named him after my dad.”
Kirk suddenly burst out laughing, and Al had to wait a good two minutes before Kirk had enough breath to spit out his answer. “Nope - he’s named after my uncle Harold!” He began laughing all over again, “I’m sorry, but you should see your face right now. It’s priceless! You know, there is more than one Harry in the world.”
Al was going to give an angry retort, but ended up laughing along with him. He couldn’t help it.
The rest of the day passed so quickly that they barely made it back to the castle before curfew. By that time, Al was in such good spirits he didn’t even notice any strange looks coming from Gary or Lucas.
It wasn’t until later that night, as he was lying in bed, that a surprising thought struck him. Maybe he hadn’t noticed the strange looks because there hadn’t been any to begin with.
***
Since Rose was in Ravenclaw, and their schedules rarely meshed, it took another two weeks before Al could finally get her on her own. He eventually managed it in the library, as they sat together looking up defensive spells.
Al was fairly certain Rose would be accepting. They had known each other since they were infants, and trusted each other with more secrets than most. But he didn’t expect her to jump up from her seat and fling her arms around him.
“Al, I’m so proud of you!” she cried, hugging him even tighter. Al was flabbergasted; Rose was the first person who acted as though being gay was actually a good thing. Al shrugged her off, embarrassed by the girly display, even if he was secretly grateful for the reaction.
Rose took a step back and beamed at him. “So you and Kirk, huh? You know, James was tying to drop hints, but I just thought he was being an arse as usual.”
“Yeah, well, just because James was telling the truth doesn’t mean he wasn’t being an arse,” Al pointed out.
“True.” Rose’s face lit up in another smile, and she shoved him in the arm. “You have to tell me all about it! Oh, is it okay if I tell my mum?”
Rose told her mum everything. Al shrugged. “I guess, if she doesn’t already know.”
Rose snorted. “She doesn’t know everything, Al.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I just didn’t know if my parents might have mentioned it.”
The smile slid off of Rose’s face. “Wait a minute. You mean you already told Aunt Ginny and Uncle Harry?”
“Well yeah, last summer.”
“Last summer? And it took you this long to tell me?”
Al looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Merlin, don’t take it personally. It’s not like this is easy, you know. I mean, I’m telling you now, right?”
Rose’s expression softened, and she gave him a thoughtful look. Then, she nodded her head once, the gesture that typically signified when she had found a solution to a problem. “You know what, I don’t think I should say anything to my parents. I should probably let you do it, right?”
Al resisted groaning. Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione weren’t even on his extensive list, the list he was trying to shorten, not expand on. And if he was going to include extended family, did that mean he’d have to tell his grandparents? All five of his mum’s brothers? All of his cousins, second cousins? Why did his mum have so much family, anyway?
Rose was waiting for a response, and Al sighed. “I’ll tell them if it comes up,” he conceded. Rose didn’t seem pleased with the compromise, but didn’t argue it further. Al wondered if his parents had settled on the same solution. We don’t have to mention it unless they mention it first. It made Al bitter. Telling family should be their responsibility; he had enough on his plate as it was.
Rose shoved him again, knocking him out of his thoughts.
“Come on then, heartbreaker. I want details.”
***
By the time Al came out to Bret and Jackie, he had been with Kirk for almost two months. At this point, working up the nerve to interrupt a conversation came a little easier. His heart didn’t pound quite so loudly in his ears. And every time Al said, “I’m gay,” it sounded and felt more and more true.
“No shit, I’m not thick you know,” Bret replied. Jackie glanced over at her boyfriend, and shrugged in agreement.
Al truly thought he was getting used to this coming out business. He assumed he had already encountered all of the responses capable of throwing him for a loop. Clearly, he had been wrong. No shit? What kind of answer was no shit?
The strangest part was that, only a few months ago, those were the exact words Al had wanted to hear. We already know. You don’t have to tell us. But now, the response that should have been a relief suddenly sounded…wrong. Frustrating.
Al just stood there, trying to figure out what had changed. Back then, (all of two months ago), there had been a lot of anxiety about people knowing. Because that’s what ‘coming out’ had meant to him: other people knowing. Al thought that when he came out the entire school would suddenly know, the entire wizarding world would know. He thought, at the time, that that was the whole point.
Only it wasn’t the point at all, and his current situation proved it. Bret already knew the truth, and Al already knew he knew. Any Gryffindor with half a brain (which excluded quite a few Gryffindors) could tell that he and Kirk were more than friends. And yet here he was, making a point to tell Bret and Jackie what all three of them had already figured out.
Because - and the realization nearly knocked him over - it wasn’t about knowing. It was about telling. This whole stupid process was for Al’s sake, not Bret’s. He wasn’t telling Bret and Jackie that he was gay. He was letting them know that it wasn’t a secret; that he was okay with sharing who he was. Suddenly, Al knew what he had accomplished in the last few months. The whole point was the bloody coming out.
And Bret was being a prat and acting like it wasn’t even important.
Al opened his mouth to explain the significance of his gesture, but Jackie cut him off.
“Thanks for telling us, though.”
They left through the portrait hole, and that was that.
** *
Sometime towards the end of March, James clued Al into the fact that Kirk’s birthday was in less than a week. Needless to say, Al panicked.
Calling in a quick favor from his Uncle George, Al asked for anything that might appeal to a Quidditch player who secretly wanted to raise llamas in India as a muggle for a year. George took the challenge to heart. A day before Kirk turned 18, an owl arrived at Al’s dorm window with a box that boasted Weasley’s Worldwide Travel Kit: See The World By Broom! The kit included a broom compass, a sophisticated invisibility cloak, a backpack full of charmed maps, and a muggle book titled, Guide to Europe’s More Unusual Domesticated Animals. It wasn’t really that practical a gift, but it was perfect nonetheless. Al sent a silent prayer of thanks to his uncle, and rewrapped the package.
Kirk’s birthday landed on a Monday, and Al had to wait until he was done class to properly wish him a happy year. They stole a few minutes snogging in the Quidditch locker rooms before heading back for the castle. Kirk had no shortage of friends, and Al couldn’t keep him to himself, as much as he wanted to.
There was an informal celebration in the common room, with the entire Gryffindor team surprising Kirk with a chocolate cake from the kitchens. Al kept his gift hidden under his bed, waiting for a more private moment to present it, but the festivity didn’t show signs of letting up. Around ten, Kirk leaned over and muttered, “The real party’s going to start in a few minutes in the seventh year dorm. You coming?”
“Of course,” Al replied with a slight surge of panic. Was he reading too much into the use of the word “party”? They hadn’t done anything too sexual yet - it was virtually impossible in a boarding school - but it was something Al had been thinking about more and more lately. A birthday seemed to be a logical time to start.
It turned out he was reading too much into it, however. When Kirk and Al climbed the stairs to his room, the rest of the seventh years were already there, breaking open the bottles of smuggled firewhiskey. Al didn’t know the seventh years too well, and he wondered if they really wanted him there.
It certainly didn’t help when an all too familiar voice called out, “Oi! Who invited the kid?”
Al instinctively spun around to tell James to shut the hell up or something equally witty, but Kirk placed a hand on his shoulder and smirked.
“Be nice. I told him he could tag along if he behaved himself.”
To Al’s great shock, James didn’t retort with something obnoxious or incendiary, but simply laughed and raised an alcoholic bottle in salute. “Well, I do like to set a good example for the younger generation.” He took a swig and levitated the bottle to Al.
Eyeing James suspiciously, Al brought the bottle to his lips. He tried to remain stoic as the burning liquid seared his throat, but couldn’t quite keep it in. A combination of choking and laughing had him doubled over as he passed the bottle to Kirk.
“Good,” said James brightly. “Now you can’t tell Dad.”
Kirk took a few sips of the drink to be polite, but mostly they sat together on Kirk’s bed, watching in amusement as the rest of his friends got pissed. There was a round of gift giving, mostly involving various sweets and Quidditch paraphernalia. Al excused himself to retrieve his own gift, and returned a moment later with nervous anticipation. His present was met with confusion by the rest of the boys, but Kirk’s entire face lit up when he read the front of the box. By the time he got to the muggle book, there were tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. His friend Terrence complained loudly that he didn’t get the joke. Kirk just shoved the book back in the box, smiled and said, “Good.”
Conversation turned to Quidditch as it inevitably did, and Al’s mind began to wander. He looked around the room, as a strange thought occurred to him:
Everyone in the room knew about their relationship.
It was the first time he could ever recall that being the case. Only he and Kirk weren’t behaving any differently together. Even now, there was enough space between them that anyone walking into the room would probably just take them for good mates. Is that how Kirk wanted to act, even in front of his friends, or was he still being overly cautious for Al’s sake?
It made Al think about his gift. Sure, it showed that he knew Kirk quite well, but was it the right sort of gift to give to a boyfriend? Or was it too platonic, like the way they acted, the way they sat together even now?
An idea slowly made its way into Al’s brain. Maybe the tiny bit of firewhiskey was augmenting his Gryffindor side, but he had the perfect addition to his gift. And he knew Kirk would recognize its significance.
Somewhere in the midst of Terrence’s impassioned speech about the cruelty of a Charms N.E.W.T., Al reached over and blindly placed his hand over Kirk’s. The conversation died down to a drone in his ears as he waited for Kirk’s response. Then, very casually, Kirk twisted his wrist so he could hold Al’s hand properly, their fingers interlocking. Kirk squeezed lightly. Al squeezed back.
They remained like that for the rest of the night, completely nonchalant, their hands completely still. The others didn’t comment, not even James who seemed to be avoiding the sight of their hands as though it were something private, or perhaps slightly obscene. Al didn’t care which. Sparks from their simple touch shot up his arm, the deceptively brave act leaving him drunk off adrenaline and pride.
At the end of the evening when he finally stood up to leave, he realized that most of the sparks had been a sign that his arm had fallen asleep. Kirk, too, was clenching and stretching his fingers, trying to bring some life back to them.
Kirk walked Al back to his dorm, the overblown chivalry making Al roll his eyes.
“Thanks for the gifts,” Kirk whispered outside Al’s door.
“I hope you had a good birthday.”
“Oh, I did. And I plan to make yours even better. June 27th, was it?”
Al nodded. “Does that mean you’ll visit over the summer?”
“It means I’m going to kidnap you so we can travel the world looking for camels and yaks.”
Al’s witty response was stolen with an insistent kiss, quiet and soft and slightly fiery from the whiskey. Kirk reached for his hand, and it made Al grin against his lips.
“Good night,” Kirk said, pulling away to head back up the hall.
“Night,” Al replied. Before he went to bed, Al took a very crumpled list out of his bag, extracted a quill, and placed a big satisfactory X over the whole damn thing.
***
Al and Kirk sat on the pitch, lazily shooting various colored sparks into the air. With Kirk’s exams and the Quidditch Cup looming just over the horizon, it was a rare opportunity to get him alone, and normally Al would take the opportunity to pin him down and explore his mouth. But there was something he’d been meaning to bring up.
“I asked my parents if you could come visit this summer, I mean, if you still want to.”
“Of course I do.” Kirk looked over at him and grinned. “And what did you tell them - that I’m giving you private flying lessons or something?” He nudged Al’s leg and gave him a suggestive look.
Al made a face. “God, definitely not. I don’t even want to know the conclusions my dad would draw if I told him that.”
“Don’t be paranoid. He’s not going to draw conclusions, not unless you let something slip.”
“Well, I told him we were…you know.” Al hesitated, still unused to saying the word out loud. “Boyfriends.”
Kirk stared at him, and Al had the distinct impression that he must have done something wrong. But even if he hadn’t introduced Kirk as his boyfriend, his parents weren’t stupid. They would have figured it out anyway. Why keep it a secret?
He waited for Kirk to regain the ability to speak. It took a few moments before Kirk said, “You told him?”
“Yeah. Is…is that okay?”
“Okay? You actually came out to your parents?”
Now it was Al’s turn to stare. Is that was this was about? Being out to his parents was old news by now, almost a year old. True, he had never actually told Kirk as much, but since Lily and James knew, he thought it was implied. “Uh, yeah. I told them last summer.”
“You came out to your parents last summer?”
Al nodded. Kirk, the boy who had practically shoved him out of the closet a few months ago, was starting to sound hysterical.
“Al, you’re barely even out to your friends, and you already told your family? And you never even felt the need to mention it? And shit, oh shit, now you want me to meet your dad?”
“What’s wrong with meeting my dad?” Al asked, slightly defensive. And why did everything always have to come back to him?
“What’s wrong? Your dad is Harry bloody fucking Potter, that’s what’s wrong! He’s - shit, he’s going to murder me! He’ll curse me into next month!” Kirk shook his head then covered his face with his hands. “Great. Not only am I going out with Harry Potter’s son of all people, but his dad already knows! Bloody fucking hell. Why don’t I just place myself in Azkaban and save everyone the trouble?” He looked back at Al with accusation in his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re out to your parents and you never even told me, you wanker!”
“It never came up,” Al muttered. It was the first time he’d ever seen Kirk get genuinely angry, and he wasn’t sure how to react. He let out a sigh before running a hand through his hair. “If you don’t want to visit, then fine. Don’t visit. I’m not forcing you or anything.”
For a brief moment, Al was afraid Kirk would take the suggestion seriously. Then the words seemed to sink in, slowly diffusing Kirk’s anger. He studied Al, who stared back, tense, waiting. “So what happened? How did they find out?”
“Oh. No, it wasn’t like that.” The thought of Al’s parents walking in on him as he wanked off to Who’s Who in Quidditch - the book his dad got him a few years back and was really only good for one thing - flashed through his mind and made him shudder. “They didn’t find out. I just…told them, that’s all.”
“But why?” Kirk looked honestly perplexed, but Al didn’t have a good answer for him.
“I don’t know. I felt like I had to.” He shrugged. “I’m no good at keeping secrets.”
Silence once again opened up between them as Kirk digested this weak explanation. “They’re not going to tell my mum, are they?”
The barely concealed fear in that question took Al by surprise. Just as Kirk had assumed that Al wasn’t out to his parents, Al had assumed that Kirk was. There was so much about each other they still didn’t know. “They won’t say anything if I tell them not to,” Al assured him. “I don’t think they’re telling anyone at this point, actually. They’re more closeted than I was.”
Kirk laughed shakily, and then shrugged. When he looked up he was smiling, trying to regain his composure and his usual amused ease with the world. “In that case, I’d love to come visit. Why the hell not, yeah? I’ve lived a good life.”
Al shoved Kirk in the arm playfully. Then, he took hold of that arm and drew Kirk into a deep, slow kiss. It was nice to occasionally be the brave one.
Pairing: Albus Severus/OMC
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and friends belong to JKR
Summary: Al didn't realize that coming out was such a never-ending process.
A/N: This is part of a series that I started ages ago, originally prompted by the lgbtfest. Since there's been a bit of renewed interest, I'm finally posting the third part. The fourth will go up when I get around to writing it, though there's no telling when that will be. Thanks to killing_rose who was my excellent beta when this was first written.
ETA: I currently have no plans to continue this series, for which I apologize. But hopefully the first three stories stand well enough on their own.
(And if you're patiently waiting for the next chapter of Missing Pages, it's with the beta, so don't despair!)
The Dinner Table
Head First and Eyes Closed
Down the List
For the first time ever, Al was positively itching to get to Potions. Obviously, it had nothing to do with the class itself. All morning he had been bursting with the news that he, Albus Potter, in a shockingly Gryffindor display, had finally snogged Kirk Wallace, very thoroughly, and very mutually. And since the only person he could actually tell was Drew, and the only time they ever got to talk was in Potions, he had never been so anxious to get to class.
He took his seat next to Drew with a wide grin and a heartfelt, “Morning!”
Drew was hardly a morning person, and scowled at the greeting. “Why’re you in such a good mood?”
Instead of standing on a desk to proclaim, “I snogged Kirk!” Al simply shrugged and leaned down to get his Potions book. He was still grinning uncontrollably, and when he looked up Drew was eyeing him suspiciously.
“You weren’t doing cheering charms, were you?”
“Nope.”
Drew let out an exaggerated sigh. “You’re going to make me guess, aren’t you?”
“Guess what?” Al innocently asked, pulling out a few ingredients.
“Oh, come on Al. How am I supposed to -” Suddenly, Drew’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t!”
“Quiet!” Al hissed, before breaking out into a new grin. “I did.”
Drew leaned in and lowered his voice. “When? I thought you were avoiding him again. And I thought he wasn’t…you know.”
“I was, but he is.” Al looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Last night. The library.”
Drew snorted. “You swot. So what, you were busy studying away and he just came up and kissed you?”
“Drew, shut up!” Al dropped his voice to barely a whisper. “Actually, I - I sort of kissed him first.”
Drew stared, then started laughing out loud, causing a few students to turn their heads. “Yeah right.”
“What, you don’t believe me?” Al kept his indignation for all of two seconds before laughing as well - he was in far too good a mood to feel affronted. Besides, he wouldn’t have believed himself a week ago. But ever since last night he was feeling like a whole new person.
“So I guess that means you won’t be transferring to Hufflepuff after all, huh?”
Al shrugged. “Guess not.”
Class began, and conversation was quickly stifled as their professor went over the preparation of Amortentia. The irony wasn’t lost on Al, who amused himself throughout the lecture thinking of the poor desperate souls who would need to resort to such a potion.
It was a good thing Drew had been paying attention to the instructions, because Al hadn’t absorbed a word. Drew sighed in frustration and began walking Al through the steps. It wasn’t until some time later, with the first stage of their concoctions safely simmering, that Drew suddenly turned to him and asked, “So what, are you two boyfriends now or something?”
Al blanched, and once again shot a look around the room. “Would you be quiet? People are going to hear you, prat.”
“Stop being paranoid.” Drew pointed an accusatory ladle at Al. “You’re just trying to avoid the question.”
“Well, yeah, we…” Al trailed off mid sentence. Truth be told, he didn’t know what they were. Even though there had been snogging the night before - a lot of it - there hadn’t really been much talking. And following Al’s new policy, he hadn’t really thought it over, either. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Drew shook his head in a fondly frustrated gesture. “You should probably find that out, you know.”
Al’s potion chose that moment to start bubbling over, and he used it as an excuse to promptly drop the topic.
***
Despite the seeds of doubt Drew had planted, the rest of the day passed in a blissful haze. Al found he was barely able to pay attention in any of his classes, and when he returned to the common room later that night to start his homework, he didn’t fare much better. Especially since Kirk was sitting right there, with a group of his seventh year friends, drifting away from the conversation every now and then to turn and make ridiculous faces at Al. Al tried very hard to ignore him and focus on his essay. He had to work especially hard not to grin at his parchment.
It was well into the night, and most students had already gone up to their dorms, when Kirk sauntered over to Al’s table and sat across from him. Al kept his eyes on his parchment, pretending not to notice. He wrote a new sentence, and then distractedly scratched it out when he felt the tip of a trainer dragging along his trousers, making the skin underneath prickle.
“Some of us are working, you know,” Al said. He finally looked up, trying his best to look dead serious, and having the distinct impression that he was failing miserably.
“Are you calling me a distraction?” Kirk asked with raised eyebrows. “Because I can be a hell of a lot more distracting.” He placed his hand over Al’s on the table.
Al instinctively jerked it away, shooting a glance at the two third years sitting by the fireplace. Then he looked back at Kirk, and his stomach dropped.
Kirk’s entire demeanor had changed; his playful smirk had vanished. He leaned far back in his seat and crossed his arms. “Oh, what?” he snapped. “You just wanted one good snog, and now you’re done?”
“What?” Al kept shooting nervous looks toward the third years, but they seemed to be fully engrossed in their own whispered discussion. “No. No, of course not. It’s not like that at all. I just…” Al couldn’t help glancing at the other students once again.
Kirk followed his gaze, and his shoulders relaxed, though he looked no less displeased. He slowly rubbed a hand over his face. “Shit. Of course. You’re not out yet.”
It was a statement, not a question, but Al shook his head anyway. He assumed that family didn’t count.
Kirk stared at him, sizing him up, and the concerns Al had been avoiding all day flooded back at once. He didn’t know anything about being gay. How could he possibly keep up in a relationship when it had only taken him 24 hours to do something wrong? He wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong, whether Kirk was more upset about the unconscious withdrawal of his hand or his entire closeted life.
All he could do was wait and watch as Kirk slowly came to a decision. Kirk leaned forward once again, fixing Al with a determined stare. “Ok. Ok, it’s like this. I’m not - I’m not playing games with you, Potter. I’m not going to start tiptoeing around just to make you comfortable. So if you want to do this, that’s it. You’ll have to start telling people. Or don’t, I don’t really care, I’m just not…I’m not going out of my way to hide it for you, got it? I’m not going back in the closet for your sake.” He looked down and once again covered Al’s hand with his own. This time there was nothing playful about the gesture. “So I guess you can take it or leave it.”
That’s when Al detected the edge of fear underneath the resolve in Kirk’s voice. Kirk was afraid of his own ultimatum; he probably expected Al to bolt from the room at the first opportunity. Al almost laughed because it couldn’t have been further from his mind.
“I’ll take it,” he quickly responded. Kirk let out a held breath, and smiled brilliantly, a smile that warmed Al’s insides. He was glad to know he’d finally said the right thing, and it spurred him on. “I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. I’m going to tell people, I’ve been meaning to all year, it’s just, well…how did you do it? I mean, how do you get everyone together at the same time? What did you say?”
Kirk looked confused for a moment, and then quietly chuckled. “Sorry Al, but it doesn’t work like that. No one gets it over with all at once; it takes bloody forever. So you better start making the rounds before I do it for you.” Al’s apprehension must have shown in his face, because Kirk’s tone turned teasing. “Oh, come on, what sort of Gryffindor are you, anyway?”
Al looked down at their touching hands and looked over one last time to the oblivious third years. Apparently he was the sort that required all of his courage just to keep his hand still, just to allow their skin to touch in the presence of others. But he didn’t dare voice that answer out loud. What he said instead was, “The sort that had to make the first move, you arse.”
Kirk grinned and leaned forward over the desk, resting his entire weight on Al’s hand so he could quickly and quietly press their lips together. Al shivered, and worked hard to ignore the pair of eyes that could turn and discover them at any moment.
***
So Al’s incredulous joy at his first (very attractive and funny and smart) boyfriend was tempered by the prospect of finally coming out to his friends. The next morning, as he was brooding over this task, he looked up to find himself alone in the dorm with Gary, his closest mate in Gryffindor.
The two of them enjoyed an easy friendship that had begun on their third night of sharing a dorm, once it was discovered that Al had an extra chocolate frog card of Roberta Highsmith, the inventor of wizarding photography. When Gary unveiled his extra copy of Agrippa, they both decided that the friendship was meant to be.
What made it easy was that, with Gary, there were no expectations and no complications. They spent plenty of time together listening to Gary’s wireless, playing exploding snap, or complaining about class, but they never fought and they never, ever discussed anything serious. Those were the unspoken rules. Al felt a little guilty, if not flat out uncomfortable, with breaking those rules now, and complicating a system that had worked so well for six years.
“I have something to tell you.” The words left Al’s mouth before he realized he was saying them, and his heart began working overtime when Gary looked up in surprise.
“Yeah?” Gary grinned. “Hey, if this is about the Dungbombs in Lucas’ bed, I really don’t want to know.”
“No, I…” Al’s voice stopped working. The blood pounding in his temples was making him lightheaded, and he suddenly realized that he was terrified. All over again. Time hadn’t made this any easier, although he hadn’t exactly had much practice.
Gary stopped smiling to give him a look of concern, which somehow made it even worse. “What is it?”
Al hesitated, but there was nothing for it but to blurt it out and get it over with, regardless of how it would or wouldn’t damage things. He reminded himself that he was doing this for Kirk.
“I’m gay.”
He hadn’t said those two words together out loud since the Hogwarts Express with James and Lily, and he couldn’t help feeling strangely detached from them. The statement still felt like something that had been forced onto him, not a part of himself.
“Oh. Okay.” Gary quickly looked down at the chocolate frog cards he had been alphabetizing, and an awkward discomfort silently bloomed between them. “Well, that’s cool. I mean, not cool I guess, but it’s okay. As long as I don’t find you in my bed in the middle of the night, right?” Gary let out a forced laughed, but Al just sat there, frozen, struggling with the second part to his confession.
“Also…” Al began, as Gary looked back up at him. “Well, I’m already seeing someone.”
Gary waited a beat, and when Al said nothing, prompted him with, “Anyone I know?”
Of course Gary knew Kirk. Everyone knew Kirk. Everyone in the whole sodding school knew Kirk. “You know Kirk?”
“Oh.” Gary blinked at him in obvious surprise. “Kirk Wallace? I didn’t…nevermind. Hey, um, I’m going to go and get breakfast before they take it away. You - are you coming?”
“I’ll catch you up,” Al replied.
Gary looked grateful as he took his leave, although maybe Al was simply imagining that. Al wasn’t feeling very hungry at all. Actually, he was a little concerned about his ability to keep food down just then. So instead, he picked up some blank parchment and headed for the owlery, somewhere he could hope to be alone.
***
Al didn’t end up writing a letter. Who was there to write to, anyway? Instead, he took his parchment and quill, found a spot on the ground relatively free of owl droppings, and made a list. First, he wrote down his parents, his siblings, Drew, Kirk, and Gary, and then promptly crossed them off. Following that were only four more names, although he probably could have added more: Lucas, Rose, Bret and Jackie. Seven down and four to go. The numbers made him feel slightly better, but not very.
Intellectually, he knew that telling Gary had gone well enough. He wasn’t upset, or angry, or disgusted - meaning he’d reacted a lot better than Al’s parents had. So why did Al feel that same unsettling aftermath sensation in his stomach? Why did he feel like he had stepped out of his own skin? Admitting he was gay didn’t feel liberating; it still left him feeling like a stranger.
Discomfort. That was how Gary had reacted. He had clearly felt uncomfortable, and Al had been doubly so. It hadn’t been like that with Drew, but then again, Drew was an anomaly - a Hufflepuff one, at that. The rest of the list would probably react like Gary, or worse.
The sound of approaching footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts. Al inwardly cursed, and hastily shoved the list into his bag before jumping to his feet.
But the slight panic was unnecessary, because the intruder turned out to be Kirk. When Al saw him, he relaxed and said, “Oh. It’s you.”
Kirk tilted his head. “Yeah, nice to see you too. You didn’t come down for breakfast, so I nicked you an apple.” He tossed the fruit to Al, who was about to insist he wasn’t hungry, except his stomach beat him to it with an unfortunate grumble. Al thanked him and took a bite, while Kirk watched him with uncomfortable concern. “Um, are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
The statement came out much more bitter than sincere, and Kirk must have noticed the tone. But just because they were going together, Al rationalized, didn’t mean he had to start telling Kirk every little detail in his life. Besides, he wasn’t exactly sure how Kirk would react; this was personal, and it seemed selfish and needy of him to test the boundaries of their relationship so early on. Al was perfectly capable of working out his problems on his own, which was exactly what he planned to do. “Listen, I was just sending a letter, but I have to go get some work done. I’ll be in the library if you need me…”
Al tried to step past him, but Kirk grabbed his arm, probably a bit harder than intended. “Bullshit. It’s Saturday morning. You’re not running off to do work; you’re telling me what’s going on.” Kirk’s voice suddenly took on some of the anger from last night, and under that, the same hint of fear, as though Al were something fragile he might inadvertently scare away. This time Al resented him for it, as he leaned back against the stone wall, crossing his arms.
“What do you want me to tell you?”
Kirk clenched his hands into fists. “Well, you can start by telling me why you’re trying to avoid me.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Oh, and I suppose you weren’t going to ditch me just now?” Kirk gestured angrily to the exit. “It’s fine, you know. I get it. You’re too scared to come out, right? If you don’t want to do this, I just wish you’d be a Gryffindor about it and tell me instead of running away.”
Al blinked at him with sudden understanding. Kirk opened his mouth, but before he could make any more false accusations, Al cut in with, “I told my friend Gary.”
Kirk froze with his mouth hanging open. “You did?”
“Yeah. Just now.”
“Oh.” Kirk paused. His tone immediately lost its aggressive edge - all that was left was the trace of fear. “Um, so what did he say?”
Al shrugged and looked to his feet. “He said it was fine.”
“And…is it?” Al looked up to find Kirk staring at him in concern, and finally realized what an idiot he was being. If there were anyone he could actually talk to about what this felt like, it was Kirk.
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
Kirk hesitantly reached out to place a hand on Al’s arm. Al gave a small, grateful smile. Although they didn’t say anything, it was enough to know that he wasn’t the only one who’s had to go through this crap. He could work out the details later - for now, the unspoken comfort was enough.
They stood like that for a moment before Kirk brought him into a full hug, then stepped back and let his hands drop to his sides. “So…does that mean you told him about me, too?”
“Well, I told him we were going out.”
“Was he surprised?”
“Yeah, sort of but -“ Al broke off, realizing what Kirk was asking. “Gary didn’t know you’re gay?”
“Probably not. I mean, I never told him; it’s not like we’re close friends or anything.”
“But - you’re out. I thought everyone knew.” Al looked on in confusion as Kirk grinned. Clearly he was missing something.
“Seriously?” Kirk said. “You think all of Hogwarts knows I’m gay?” He laughed at the thought. “Being out isn’t on or off like lumos, you know. I told a few people, and I know some other people figured it out, but everyone else either doesn’t care or hasn’t noticed. You didn’t know.”
Al smiled in embarrassment. “Yeah, but I thought I was just being oblivious.”
“You may be oblivious, Al, but not that oblivious.” Kirk moved forward to plant a kiss on his mouth, which turned into two, and then a series. The concept of casually snogging the very boy who made his heart stutter was still a new one. “Come on,” Kirk said, finally pulling away. “I happen to know there’s no one on the pitch right now. Finish that apple and grab your broom. You’d better have been joking about that library rubbish.”
***
In their first year, Lucas had been the one boy Al had to beg not to put up the Harry Potter poster by his bed. Although they got along just fine, Al still had the feeling that, in Lucas’s eyes, he would forever be Harry Potter’s Son. So he was expecting his confession to be met with shock or disappointment. Heaven forbid the Boy Who Lived fathered a boy who liked boys. Al had even prepared a speech about how he was just a normal guy with tons of problems like anyone else.
In reality, Lucas never even bothered looking up from his History book.
“Uh, Lucas? There’s something I wanted to tell you.”
Lucas flipped a page. “Yeah? What’s that?”
Al took a deep breath and steadied his voice. “I’m gay.”
Lucas’s eyes stilled over the page he’d been perusing. After a short, tense moment he said, “Okay,” and grabbed a quill to underline a particular passage.
“And I’m going out with Kirk.”
“Well I guessed that much.”
Al was taken aback for a moment, and stood there waiting for some sort of elaboration. Were they that obvious? Sure, they were spending a lot of time together lately, but it was still very friendly on the surface. Despite their earlier discussion, Kirk seemed content to keep their affectionate moments private.
Lucas finally looked up from his book, and caught Al staring. He pointed to the page he had been reading, and asked, “Did your dad ever tell you about the Chamber of Secrets?”
Al gave a dramatic sigh, and excused himself to see if Kirk was back from practice yet.
***
Al didn’t remember what excuse he gave for spending the next Hogsmeade weekend with Kirk instead of his dorm mates. What he did remember was the way Gary avoided looking at him, the way Lucas arched his eyebrows but kept his mouth shut, and the way Bret rolled his eyes and jokingly asked, “What, is he taking you to Madame Puddifoot’s or something?” At least, Al assumed Bret was joking, considering he hadn’t come out to him yet.
After the obligatory stop in Honeydukes, Al and Kirk definitely did not go to Madame Puddifoot’s, nor did they head to the Three Broomsticks with everyone else. Instead they chose one of the less popular cafes that Hogsmeade had to offer, where they would be less likely to run into people they knew. The space was cramped and dusky, and Al’s drink smelled vaguely like his failed Amortentia. But it was worth it for a chance of some uninterrupted privacy.
At first they talked about the usual things: classes, people, Quidditch. (Kirk talked about Quidditch; Al pretended to listen.) Then the conversation slowly ventured into new territory. It was amazing how little Al knew about Kirk despite their years of casual friendship, and their solid month as a couple. But even though they were in the same house, and theoretically saw each other every day, they rarely got the chance to see each other. And when they did, their time was usually spent on snogging or flying, not sitting down together and just talking.
For example, Al already knew that Kirk had no idea what to do outside of school, and that he was terrified of the prospect - not that he would ever admit it out loud. What he didn’t know was that Kirk had this romantic notion of living as a muggle for a year, just for the hell of it, just to see if he could. Some of his other unlikely plans involved backpacking through India, deep sea diving, and starting his own farm. Al was especially amused by the last option, considering that Herbology was one of Kirk’s poorest subjects. When he asked what exactly Kirk planned to grow on this farm of his, Kirk’s eyes dramatically widened as he proclaimed, “It’s going to be a llama farm!”
This left Al bent over the table laughing hysterically, probably far more than was warranted. He slowly sat up again, catching his breath, and marveling over what an oddball he had landed himself with. “What are your parents like?” he asked, suddenly curious as to where people like Kirk came from.
Kirk’s smile faltered slightly, then quickly resumed its place. “It’s just my mum actually. My dad left when I was little.”
Al stopped laughing. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t -“
Kirk waved a dismissive hand. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I don’t even remember him. And my mum’s brilliant. She’s even funnier than I am, if you can possibly imagine it. I think you’d like her.”
Kirk’s sincerity had Al grinning again. “Any siblings?”
“One. My sister. She’s much older than me though, and she left a few years after my dad. She’s a solicitor in the States now. Don’t know her too well, actually. Oh, and I have a nephew! But I’ve only seen him a few times, you know, at Christmas and stuff.”
“So it’s just you and your mum, then?”
“Yeah.” Kirk’s eyes suddenly sparkled with mischief. “Oh, and Harry.”
The conversation froze midair. At first, Al didn’t think he had heard him correctly, but Kirk’s expression told him he was being baited. There was definitely a joke at the end of this, and Al wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the punch line. Not that he had much of a choice. “Okay, who’s Harry?” he asked cautiously.
“My dog,” Kirk replied.
Al sighed, and gave in. He should have known it was only a matter of time before this came up. “And let me guess. You named him after my dad.”
Kirk suddenly burst out laughing, and Al had to wait a good two minutes before Kirk had enough breath to spit out his answer. “Nope - he’s named after my uncle Harold!” He began laughing all over again, “I’m sorry, but you should see your face right now. It’s priceless! You know, there is more than one Harry in the world.”
Al was going to give an angry retort, but ended up laughing along with him. He couldn’t help it.
The rest of the day passed so quickly that they barely made it back to the castle before curfew. By that time, Al was in such good spirits he didn’t even notice any strange looks coming from Gary or Lucas.
It wasn’t until later that night, as he was lying in bed, that a surprising thought struck him. Maybe he hadn’t noticed the strange looks because there hadn’t been any to begin with.
***
Since Rose was in Ravenclaw, and their schedules rarely meshed, it took another two weeks before Al could finally get her on her own. He eventually managed it in the library, as they sat together looking up defensive spells.
Al was fairly certain Rose would be accepting. They had known each other since they were infants, and trusted each other with more secrets than most. But he didn’t expect her to jump up from her seat and fling her arms around him.
“Al, I’m so proud of you!” she cried, hugging him even tighter. Al was flabbergasted; Rose was the first person who acted as though being gay was actually a good thing. Al shrugged her off, embarrassed by the girly display, even if he was secretly grateful for the reaction.
Rose took a step back and beamed at him. “So you and Kirk, huh? You know, James was tying to drop hints, but I just thought he was being an arse as usual.”
“Yeah, well, just because James was telling the truth doesn’t mean he wasn’t being an arse,” Al pointed out.
“True.” Rose’s face lit up in another smile, and she shoved him in the arm. “You have to tell me all about it! Oh, is it okay if I tell my mum?”
Rose told her mum everything. Al shrugged. “I guess, if she doesn’t already know.”
Rose snorted. “She doesn’t know everything, Al.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I just didn’t know if my parents might have mentioned it.”
The smile slid off of Rose’s face. “Wait a minute. You mean you already told Aunt Ginny and Uncle Harry?”
“Well yeah, last summer.”
“Last summer? And it took you this long to tell me?”
Al looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Merlin, don’t take it personally. It’s not like this is easy, you know. I mean, I’m telling you now, right?”
Rose’s expression softened, and she gave him a thoughtful look. Then, she nodded her head once, the gesture that typically signified when she had found a solution to a problem. “You know what, I don’t think I should say anything to my parents. I should probably let you do it, right?”
Al resisted groaning. Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione weren’t even on his extensive list, the list he was trying to shorten, not expand on. And if he was going to include extended family, did that mean he’d have to tell his grandparents? All five of his mum’s brothers? All of his cousins, second cousins? Why did his mum have so much family, anyway?
Rose was waiting for a response, and Al sighed. “I’ll tell them if it comes up,” he conceded. Rose didn’t seem pleased with the compromise, but didn’t argue it further. Al wondered if his parents had settled on the same solution. We don’t have to mention it unless they mention it first. It made Al bitter. Telling family should be their responsibility; he had enough on his plate as it was.
Rose shoved him again, knocking him out of his thoughts.
“Come on then, heartbreaker. I want details.”
***
By the time Al came out to Bret and Jackie, he had been with Kirk for almost two months. At this point, working up the nerve to interrupt a conversation came a little easier. His heart didn’t pound quite so loudly in his ears. And every time Al said, “I’m gay,” it sounded and felt more and more true.
“No shit, I’m not thick you know,” Bret replied. Jackie glanced over at her boyfriend, and shrugged in agreement.
Al truly thought he was getting used to this coming out business. He assumed he had already encountered all of the responses capable of throwing him for a loop. Clearly, he had been wrong. No shit? What kind of answer was no shit?
The strangest part was that, only a few months ago, those were the exact words Al had wanted to hear. We already know. You don’t have to tell us. But now, the response that should have been a relief suddenly sounded…wrong. Frustrating.
Al just stood there, trying to figure out what had changed. Back then, (all of two months ago), there had been a lot of anxiety about people knowing. Because that’s what ‘coming out’ had meant to him: other people knowing. Al thought that when he came out the entire school would suddenly know, the entire wizarding world would know. He thought, at the time, that that was the whole point.
Only it wasn’t the point at all, and his current situation proved it. Bret already knew the truth, and Al already knew he knew. Any Gryffindor with half a brain (which excluded quite a few Gryffindors) could tell that he and Kirk were more than friends. And yet here he was, making a point to tell Bret and Jackie what all three of them had already figured out.
Because - and the realization nearly knocked him over - it wasn’t about knowing. It was about telling. This whole stupid process was for Al’s sake, not Bret’s. He wasn’t telling Bret and Jackie that he was gay. He was letting them know that it wasn’t a secret; that he was okay with sharing who he was. Suddenly, Al knew what he had accomplished in the last few months. The whole point was the bloody coming out.
And Bret was being a prat and acting like it wasn’t even important.
Al opened his mouth to explain the significance of his gesture, but Jackie cut him off.
“Thanks for telling us, though.”
They left through the portrait hole, and that was that.
** *
Sometime towards the end of March, James clued Al into the fact that Kirk’s birthday was in less than a week. Needless to say, Al panicked.
Calling in a quick favor from his Uncle George, Al asked for anything that might appeal to a Quidditch player who secretly wanted to raise llamas in India as a muggle for a year. George took the challenge to heart. A day before Kirk turned 18, an owl arrived at Al’s dorm window with a box that boasted Weasley’s Worldwide Travel Kit: See The World By Broom! The kit included a broom compass, a sophisticated invisibility cloak, a backpack full of charmed maps, and a muggle book titled, Guide to Europe’s More Unusual Domesticated Animals. It wasn’t really that practical a gift, but it was perfect nonetheless. Al sent a silent prayer of thanks to his uncle, and rewrapped the package.
Kirk’s birthday landed on a Monday, and Al had to wait until he was done class to properly wish him a happy year. They stole a few minutes snogging in the Quidditch locker rooms before heading back for the castle. Kirk had no shortage of friends, and Al couldn’t keep him to himself, as much as he wanted to.
There was an informal celebration in the common room, with the entire Gryffindor team surprising Kirk with a chocolate cake from the kitchens. Al kept his gift hidden under his bed, waiting for a more private moment to present it, but the festivity didn’t show signs of letting up. Around ten, Kirk leaned over and muttered, “The real party’s going to start in a few minutes in the seventh year dorm. You coming?”
“Of course,” Al replied with a slight surge of panic. Was he reading too much into the use of the word “party”? They hadn’t done anything too sexual yet - it was virtually impossible in a boarding school - but it was something Al had been thinking about more and more lately. A birthday seemed to be a logical time to start.
It turned out he was reading too much into it, however. When Kirk and Al climbed the stairs to his room, the rest of the seventh years were already there, breaking open the bottles of smuggled firewhiskey. Al didn’t know the seventh years too well, and he wondered if they really wanted him there.
It certainly didn’t help when an all too familiar voice called out, “Oi! Who invited the kid?”
Al instinctively spun around to tell James to shut the hell up or something equally witty, but Kirk placed a hand on his shoulder and smirked.
“Be nice. I told him he could tag along if he behaved himself.”
To Al’s great shock, James didn’t retort with something obnoxious or incendiary, but simply laughed and raised an alcoholic bottle in salute. “Well, I do like to set a good example for the younger generation.” He took a swig and levitated the bottle to Al.
Eyeing James suspiciously, Al brought the bottle to his lips. He tried to remain stoic as the burning liquid seared his throat, but couldn’t quite keep it in. A combination of choking and laughing had him doubled over as he passed the bottle to Kirk.
“Good,” said James brightly. “Now you can’t tell Dad.”
Kirk took a few sips of the drink to be polite, but mostly they sat together on Kirk’s bed, watching in amusement as the rest of his friends got pissed. There was a round of gift giving, mostly involving various sweets and Quidditch paraphernalia. Al excused himself to retrieve his own gift, and returned a moment later with nervous anticipation. His present was met with confusion by the rest of the boys, but Kirk’s entire face lit up when he read the front of the box. By the time he got to the muggle book, there were tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. His friend Terrence complained loudly that he didn’t get the joke. Kirk just shoved the book back in the box, smiled and said, “Good.”
Conversation turned to Quidditch as it inevitably did, and Al’s mind began to wander. He looked around the room, as a strange thought occurred to him:
Everyone in the room knew about their relationship.
It was the first time he could ever recall that being the case. Only he and Kirk weren’t behaving any differently together. Even now, there was enough space between them that anyone walking into the room would probably just take them for good mates. Is that how Kirk wanted to act, even in front of his friends, or was he still being overly cautious for Al’s sake?
It made Al think about his gift. Sure, it showed that he knew Kirk quite well, but was it the right sort of gift to give to a boyfriend? Or was it too platonic, like the way they acted, the way they sat together even now?
An idea slowly made its way into Al’s brain. Maybe the tiny bit of firewhiskey was augmenting his Gryffindor side, but he had the perfect addition to his gift. And he knew Kirk would recognize its significance.
Somewhere in the midst of Terrence’s impassioned speech about the cruelty of a Charms N.E.W.T., Al reached over and blindly placed his hand over Kirk’s. The conversation died down to a drone in his ears as he waited for Kirk’s response. Then, very casually, Kirk twisted his wrist so he could hold Al’s hand properly, their fingers interlocking. Kirk squeezed lightly. Al squeezed back.
They remained like that for the rest of the night, completely nonchalant, their hands completely still. The others didn’t comment, not even James who seemed to be avoiding the sight of their hands as though it were something private, or perhaps slightly obscene. Al didn’t care which. Sparks from their simple touch shot up his arm, the deceptively brave act leaving him drunk off adrenaline and pride.
At the end of the evening when he finally stood up to leave, he realized that most of the sparks had been a sign that his arm had fallen asleep. Kirk, too, was clenching and stretching his fingers, trying to bring some life back to them.
Kirk walked Al back to his dorm, the overblown chivalry making Al roll his eyes.
“Thanks for the gifts,” Kirk whispered outside Al’s door.
“I hope you had a good birthday.”
“Oh, I did. And I plan to make yours even better. June 27th, was it?”
Al nodded. “Does that mean you’ll visit over the summer?”
“It means I’m going to kidnap you so we can travel the world looking for camels and yaks.”
Al’s witty response was stolen with an insistent kiss, quiet and soft and slightly fiery from the whiskey. Kirk reached for his hand, and it made Al grin against his lips.
“Good night,” Kirk said, pulling away to head back up the hall.
“Night,” Al replied. Before he went to bed, Al took a very crumpled list out of his bag, extracted a quill, and placed a big satisfactory X over the whole damn thing.
***
Al and Kirk sat on the pitch, lazily shooting various colored sparks into the air. With Kirk’s exams and the Quidditch Cup looming just over the horizon, it was a rare opportunity to get him alone, and normally Al would take the opportunity to pin him down and explore his mouth. But there was something he’d been meaning to bring up.
“I asked my parents if you could come visit this summer, I mean, if you still want to.”
“Of course I do.” Kirk looked over at him and grinned. “And what did you tell them - that I’m giving you private flying lessons or something?” He nudged Al’s leg and gave him a suggestive look.
Al made a face. “God, definitely not. I don’t even want to know the conclusions my dad would draw if I told him that.”
“Don’t be paranoid. He’s not going to draw conclusions, not unless you let something slip.”
“Well, I told him we were…you know.” Al hesitated, still unused to saying the word out loud. “Boyfriends.”
Kirk stared at him, and Al had the distinct impression that he must have done something wrong. But even if he hadn’t introduced Kirk as his boyfriend, his parents weren’t stupid. They would have figured it out anyway. Why keep it a secret?
He waited for Kirk to regain the ability to speak. It took a few moments before Kirk said, “You told him?”
“Yeah. Is…is that okay?”
“Okay? You actually came out to your parents?”
Now it was Al’s turn to stare. Is that was this was about? Being out to his parents was old news by now, almost a year old. True, he had never actually told Kirk as much, but since Lily and James knew, he thought it was implied. “Uh, yeah. I told them last summer.”
“You came out to your parents last summer?”
Al nodded. Kirk, the boy who had practically shoved him out of the closet a few months ago, was starting to sound hysterical.
“Al, you’re barely even out to your friends, and you already told your family? And you never even felt the need to mention it? And shit, oh shit, now you want me to meet your dad?”
“What’s wrong with meeting my dad?” Al asked, slightly defensive. And why did everything always have to come back to him?
“What’s wrong? Your dad is Harry bloody fucking Potter, that’s what’s wrong! He’s - shit, he’s going to murder me! He’ll curse me into next month!” Kirk shook his head then covered his face with his hands. “Great. Not only am I going out with Harry Potter’s son of all people, but his dad already knows! Bloody fucking hell. Why don’t I just place myself in Azkaban and save everyone the trouble?” He looked back at Al with accusation in his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re out to your parents and you never even told me, you wanker!”
“It never came up,” Al muttered. It was the first time he’d ever seen Kirk get genuinely angry, and he wasn’t sure how to react. He let out a sigh before running a hand through his hair. “If you don’t want to visit, then fine. Don’t visit. I’m not forcing you or anything.”
For a brief moment, Al was afraid Kirk would take the suggestion seriously. Then the words seemed to sink in, slowly diffusing Kirk’s anger. He studied Al, who stared back, tense, waiting. “So what happened? How did they find out?”
“Oh. No, it wasn’t like that.” The thought of Al’s parents walking in on him as he wanked off to Who’s Who in Quidditch - the book his dad got him a few years back and was really only good for one thing - flashed through his mind and made him shudder. “They didn’t find out. I just…told them, that’s all.”
“But why?” Kirk looked honestly perplexed, but Al didn’t have a good answer for him.
“I don’t know. I felt like I had to.” He shrugged. “I’m no good at keeping secrets.”
Silence once again opened up between them as Kirk digested this weak explanation. “They’re not going to tell my mum, are they?”
The barely concealed fear in that question took Al by surprise. Just as Kirk had assumed that Al wasn’t out to his parents, Al had assumed that Kirk was. There was so much about each other they still didn’t know. “They won’t say anything if I tell them not to,” Al assured him. “I don’t think they’re telling anyone at this point, actually. They’re more closeted than I was.”
Kirk laughed shakily, and then shrugged. When he looked up he was smiling, trying to regain his composure and his usual amused ease with the world. “In that case, I’d love to come visit. Why the hell not, yeah? I’ve lived a good life.”
Al shoved Kirk in the arm playfully. Then, he took hold of that arm and drew Kirk into a deep, slow kiss. It was nice to occasionally be the brave one.