Two attempts at the same idea

[rovingseaturtle]

I could never get this one to work right. One of these is complete, the other is, well, not. In case you are interested, the story I posted earlier called Love Supreme is a response to this

Comments

[peshekee]

the second version reads much better.

i want to read it again - before i respond in more detail - but i like
what you have done - it feels real and the ending makes the story from beginning to end - a nice complete loop

[randomlanguage]

# 2 I feel like I want the first line either in quotes or somehow offset, it is a little unclear who is saying what at first, and you have quotes later.

# 1

Actually, this feels more complete to me than 2, not sure why. Perhaps because it ends with a very visual/tactile image.