This is bad

[rovingseaturtle]

the three of us
sharing pine needles
dirt mud and sand
dripping water
inexplicable
be careful what you say to me
nothing is built in a day

Comments

[randomlanguage]

I like the last line,
but I almost wonder if it would be better, less overt, without the "inexplicable/becareful"
What do you think:

the three of us
sharing pine needles
dirt mud and sand
dripping water
nothing is built in a day

or even

the three of us
sharing pine needles
dirt mud and sand
dripping water
inexplicable
nothing is built in a day

[rovingseaturtle]

Maybe the second one. This one is partially based of a song. By the way, do you know what/who this one is about?

[randomlanguage]

I can guess, but I'm not certain