Q: What do you do with a B.A. in English?
A: You mock vampire romances dressed up as Literature. Apparently.
You may have noticed my complete lack of progress on New Moon. Umm, the reason for that is that as I was getting ready to wrap Chandra's Christmas present, I thought, "...I"ll just skim a few pages before I box it up." That little misjudgement turned into reading the whole thing, 'cause whoa, that book is almost as hilariously bad as Twilight.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined Pride and Prejudice and Twilight? No? Well, good, that means your brain is working properly. And it also means that maybe you shouldn't read Vampire Darcy's Desire. No, really, it's a real book. Curse you, Amazon, and your whimsical search engine results! I got it for Chandra, hoping for lols. OMG, I HAD NO IDEA.
The astoundingness starts with the author, Regina Jeffers's, preface, which is just so amazing I have give you a giant chunk of the beginning:
When the initial concept came to me from the publisher, Ulysses Press, to write a vampire version of Pride and Prejudice, my hackles immediately rose. To me, Pride and Prejudice is the most perfect novel ever written [okay, I love Austen, but that set off some warning bells], and the thought of someone abusing that story line sent me into a state of amusement mixed with pure irritation. [Irony AND foreshadowing! Signs of authorial skill!]
As a member of the Jane Austen Society of North America, I love everything to do with Jane Austen. However, unlike some hard-core Janeites, I read everything related to her works. Some of it I love, and some of it I throw across the room in disgust; but even when I angrily throw the book against the wall, I retrieve it and continue to read, looking for something in it I can enjoy. There are only a few Austen-related alternatives in which I find nothing I can accept to be possible. [!!!] Most of those I deem ridiculous, however, deal with the story of Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet, because like many Austen readers, I hold a preconceived idea of how these two would get on[1] in their lives once they were married. [SPOILER ALERT!] Austen gives us very specific allusions as to how the couple might achieve happiness, so when presented with the concept, I flatly refused to even consider a vampire version. However, after discussing the idea with close friends and with my editor, I conceded. It was my belief that the project would go forward with or without me. At least if I was involved, I could possibly maintain some integrity in the story. (v)
TAKE NOTE, GENTLE READERS. This will be pertinent soon.
So, the basic plot is, two hundred years prior, the evil vampire Wickham turned Darcy's ancestor into a vampire, and then that vampire had half-vampire/half-human kids, so then the first-born sons of the Darcy line are all "dhampirs," aka kinda-sorta-not-really-vampires. Jeffers never quite explains what being a dhampir means, other than having a vague urge (not a need) to drink blood, some poorly-defined "magic" skills, and Edward-Cullen-esque levels of PURE ANGST AND SELF-LOATHING. And conceitedness. So Darcy is a dhampir (contrary to the, um, TITLE OF THE BOOK), oh noes! Then he falls for Elizabeth, and they are in luuuurrrrrve by, like, page forty. (OUT OF 440!) (Remember how in P&P it takes her like two-thirds of the book to realize she might actually like him? Yeah.) Elizabeth starts out all sleuthy and trying to solve some unimportant off-screen murders, of which she suspects Darcy is the perpetrator, but that's all out the window (with barely a further mention! Despite being, you know, murders) once she notices that Darcy is hot. Then they spend the rest of the book angsting about how this ridiculous dhampir business is in the way of their luuurrrrrrrrve. Oh, and how to kill Wickham.
But the writing. THE WRITING. It's like a cheesy romance novel, except even sillier and more contrived! The most offensive thing, though, is that Jeffers completely ignored every strong personality that Austen created, and she replaced them with blank-eyed little dolls she could play with. Elizabeth's family is nice. Her mother is well-meaning and sympathetic. Her father is utterly dull. And I didn't hate Lydia. I didn't. Hate. Lydia. Because there was not enough character there to hate. Near the end of the book, Vampire!Lydia gets stabbed through the heart, and I hardly cared enough to cheer! Jeffers turned P&P into a Twilight world where the hero and damsel and their lurve float through a watercolor haze of near-interchangeable minor characters.
And then there's Jeffers herself. She's a sixty-ish English teacher who has self-published three other Austen fanfics: one told through "Darcy's perspective," one retelling the story as a modern melodrama in a collegiate setting, and one sequel WHERE DARCY GETS AMNESIA AND THEY HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN. I am not even making this up. Go to her website, where you can see such gems as:
"Writing about “passion” comes easily to Regina Jeffers. A master teacher for thirty-seven years, she has passionately taught thousands of students English"
Hint: do not imply in the first lines of your "About the Author" blurb THAT YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE.
"'I have written all my life,' she says, 'except it was not always in this format. When I write now, I write as I used to choreograph routines for my dance teams'"
"The story of Fitzwilliam Darcy is one most women know."
What.
"Whereas most female writers can relate to the strong, independent Elizabeth Bennet, my friends will tell you my voice comes out of Fitzwilliam Darcy’s mouth."
Oh my god. Darcy, I am so sorry this demented woman is using you as her sockpuppet.
"Romance novels reassure the reader of the value of love in his life"
How old-school is she that she uses by-male-I-mean-unisex-obviously pronouns, even when discussing a group that is overwhelmingly female?
Okay, enough making fun of her website. (Giant typo! In the giant banner on every page!) I'm here to make fun of her book. So, yes, Regina Jeffers is a serial Austen-fanfic writer who just got a real book deal. A few months after Pride and Prejudice and Zombies came out. To write... Pride and Prejudice and Vampires. Coincidence, I'm sure. (Just like Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, published just a few months later, by a different nobody-press. I chose Vampire Darcy's Desire because Mr. Darcy, Vampyre looked WORSE, if you can imagine.) Noooo bandwagon to be seen here! Move along, folks, move along! (Speaking of bandwagons, a quick Amazon search also turns up: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim (uh, that could have some... interesting... racial undertones), The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts, and Zombies, Mansfield Park and Mummies, Emma and the Werewolves, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls (a prequel, same publisher, different author), and, I fear somehow relatedly, The Big Book of Porn: A Penetrating Look at the World of Dirty Movies. Oh wait, it's written by the P&P&Z guy. Classy.)
Where was I? Ah, yes, terrible books. Excerpt time!!
Reaching for her wrapper, Elizabeth pulled it over her muslin gown. "At this time of night, who else could be awake?" She lit a candle and eased her way out the door. The carpeting muffled the sound of her footsteps, but she heard the squish of each step on the marble stairs.
A dim light came from the library as she approached the door. Assuming it to be only the fire burning down slowly, she entered without thinking [right after... thinking it must be the fire?]; but seeing a movement near the hearth, Elizabeth froze, poised for action. Then she recognized the figure, slowly coming to its feet in the shadows.
"Mr. Darcy!" she gasped.
Turning toward the sound of her voice, he felt a pull in his groin, a strange sense of lust and longing. Maybe it was because his heart thudded to a complete stop when his eyes beheld her. Elizabeth stood in the middle of the room, barefoot [and yet her feet "squished"??? Is this Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters???] and in her night shift and dressing gown. His dreams of her did not come close to her exquisite beauty. His heart clenched [ah, moving a bit further north, at least] with the recognition of how much he wanted her. She was everything -- pure intelligence -- pure control -- pure loveliness. "Miss -- Miss Elizabeth," he stammered, "I did not expect company at such an hour."
Elizabeth let her gaze wander over him. He wore tight breeches and a loosely fitted shirt open at the neck. Standing so tall and so erect [BWAHAH], she thought him one of the most handsome men she ever met. "I beg your pardon, Sir. I could not sleep. Netherfield has a reputation for possessing an exceptional library. I came in search of a book." Then, with a touch of mischief she added, "Improve my accomplishments and all." (34-35)
Oh, where to begin?! How about with my steadfast belief that my understanding of Pride and Prejudice was full and complete WITHOUT MY EVER NEEDING TO KNOW THE DETAILED GOINGS-ON OF DARCY'S GROIN. Brain bleach, please! (Not just for the TMI factor, either. "Groin" is a terribly unattractive word, and pairing it with "pull" makes me think "athletic injury,"[2] not "sexy tiems!".) It baffles me that Jeffers claims to be so madly in love with Austen's universe and yet a) have such a poor understanding of its subtleties and b) have absolutely no desire to maintain Austen's writing style or quality. Not even close. There are so many glaring anachronisms, not just in the narrative but in the dialogue! And this woman has TAUGHT AUSTEN'S BOOKS for decades!! Her poor students.
(Just a note: it's not the vampires getting in her way, either: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was infinitely, infinitely better done than this piece of crap. It injected zombies without losing (er, much of) that classy Austen flavor! It IS possible, Jeffers!)
Forgive me, but let's do a whopping big passage[3] here. First, from the original, a key scene:
"Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at!" cried Elizabeth. "That is an uncommon advantage, and uncommon I hope it will continue, for it would be a great loss to me to have many such acquaintances. I dearly love a laugh."
"Miss Bingley," said he, "has given me credit for more than can be. The wisest and best of men -- nay, the wisest and best of their actions may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke."
"Certainly," replied Elizabeth -- "there are such people, but I hope I am not one of them. I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies, do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely what you are without."
"Perhaps that is not possible for anyone. But it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule."
"Such as vanity and pride."
"Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride -- where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will always be under good regulation."
Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile.
"Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume," said Miss Bingley; "and pray what is the result?"
"I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise."
"No," said Darcy, "I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding -- certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost for ever."
"That is a failing indeed!" cried Elizabeth. "Implacable resentment is a shade in a character. But you have chosen your fault well. I really cannot laugh at it. You are safe from me."
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil -- a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."
"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
"And yours," he replied, with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them." (42-43)
So we have the eponymous themes of pride and prejudice, but more importantly, we see the crux of the whole Elizabeth/Darcy mess: they don't quite get each other, and until they do, there can be no real lurrrrve. Like every other Austen (why do I still know the word bildungsroman, Gottlieb??), the whole point of the book is How To Read People, and it's not until they work out a clear picture of each other's (and their own) characters that they fall in love at all. Just about every scene they have together is the two of them debating, trying to figure out the other's exact philosophical position on one matter or another. It is HOT.
...and then there's Jeffers'... "adaptation":
"Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at," protested Caroline.
Elizabeth inquired lightly, "Then you think him to have no imperfections?" Darcy flinched. Had he made a mistake in trusting Elizabeth? She circled where he sat before she spoke again. He felt the intensity of her eyes on his body, and despite his current angst, he reacted to her scrutiny with an unexpected surge of desire. Elizabeth analyzed him from head to toe. "Can a man be so perfect?" she mused. "I wonder what secrets he keeps!"
"I made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding." Darcy commented dryly, attempting to distract himself from his lust. [DUDE, CHILLAX.] He wondered if she comprehended his double meaning. Did Elizabeth truly understand him? "My temper I dare not vouch for. -- It is, I believe, too little yielding -- certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against me. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost is lost forever."
"I would not wish to be a recipient of your wrath, Mr. Darcy." Elizabeth thought she might like to be the recipient of something else, but not his temper. [OMG] "There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome." She started away from him. "Do you not agree, Mr. Darcy?" She gazed at him intently over her shoulder.
"Agree, Miss Elizabeth?" He smiled seductively. "We rarely agree."
"Do you have a need to hate everyone?" she challenged, his superior attitude causing irritation.
Darcy shifted uncomfortably. Hate? All he wanted now was to touch her. "You, Miss Elizabeth, willfully misunderstand me." (64-65)
That's right, Jeffers TOOK THE PRIDE AND THE PREJUDICE OUT OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE. Darcy's pride has evaporated right out of the text, and Elizabeth's prejudice consists of... kinda suspecting him of serial murders? But she quickly abandons that theory on the grounds of NO EVIDENCE OF HIS INNOCENCE WHATSOEVER that Darcy seems waaaaay too nice to be a killer! So she's all over him by page forty. All that's left is the inane vampire B-plot, and the flaw in his character is reduced to grudge-holding, making him into an avenging hero with a "natural defect" called VAMPIRISM. Listen! What's that noise?? Oh wait, it's Austen rolling in her grave.
Summary: Austen - subtle + sex 'n' vampires = steaming pile of poo.
But there's more!
Her arms clung to Darcy's neck. "Elizabeth? I have you; it is all right," he whispered next to her ear. He wanted to kiss her, but Bingley stood too close.
"The-- the woman," she whimpered.
Darcy adjusted her in his hold. "What, Sweetling?"[BARRRRRRRFFFF] he murmured.
"The woman." Her voice held more strength, but she still did not look at anything but him. Elizabeth flung her arm out in the direction of the body.
Darcy followed her motion with his eyes, and then he realized her fear. Lying in a crevice where two hills met, lay what appeared to be the mangled body of a woman. Her face and neck showed the telltale signs of mutilation. "Elizabeth," he whispered, "may I put you down so I can see to the woman?"
"I am afraid."
"I will not leave you," he assured her, "but I must see to the lady." Elizabeth nodded, and he put her down gently under a tree. He cupped her chin with his palm. "I will be right back?" Tears formed in her eyes, and her bottom lip trembled, but she sat quietly and waited for him. (90-91)
FAIL.
Anyhoo, what powers, you may ask, does a vampire/dhampir have in this terrible universe of bad writing?
Darcy never used the powers he possessed on a woman -- powers to make her not remember what happened between them -- but he was sorely tempted to do so now. It would be so simple; Elizabeth would never know, and he could indulge his desire to kiss her and touch her. (40)
Yes, that's right, Darcy's first mentioned vampiric power is ROOFIES. Wtf, Jeffers?!
As for his other power:
"Stay here, Sweetling, and let me work my magic." Darcy released her and turned her back toward the house. Then he spread his arms wide and concentrated his power on the household. Streaks of blue light snaked across the marble balcony, bathing the windows and doors in a sealed energy.... He dropped his arms to his side, but the blue light continued to zigzag about the house, encasing it in a snowstorm of energy. (123)
Shockingly (har!), my first thought was not Return of the Jedi so much as 80's-music-video, and the first song that popped into my head was... "The Safety Dance", so guess what Darcy's theme song now is in my head? Yeah, that lasted, um, a few hundred pages. 'Cause Darcy's friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of his.
Ah, but back to the feminism!fail. Yeah, 196 years later, and Jeffers still manages to have weaker, meeker women than Austen?
She wanted all the things every woman wants: a husband who loved her and children they shared. (136)
I kept waiting for the sentence to keep going and somehow fix itself, but no, my eyeballs just hit that period and fell off a cliff of Meyerian despair.
Speaking of Meyer, guess who's an angst-ridden vampire sworn to celibacy? DARCY. Because his vampirism apparently travels by primogeniture. Yeah. So even though they're married before the book is halfway over... yeah.
"I cannot allow myself to succumb to your charms! I cannot ruin your life by touching you the way I wish to touch you!" (187)
Fitzwilliam Darcy, DRAMA. QUEEN.
Oh, but Elizabeth has gone all Bella Swan on him, and she has other plans:
Elizabeth knew she would surrender to his seductive mastication. (188)
The phrase "seductive mastication" JUST MADE THIS WHOLE BOOK WORTHWHILE.
OM NOM NOM SEXY NOM!
*
Elizabeth tried to swallow -- to clear the burn from her throat -- to say something to him -- but all she could do was to cough again before leaning against his chest -- into his love -- into his protection.
"I have you," he murmured as he took another towel to help dry her. "I will never let you go."
Elizabeth nodded, unable to speak, but thankful for the strength of his arms.
"Do not leave me, Elizabeth," Darcy whispered close to her ear. "I cannot live without you." Elizabeth nodded mutely. Darcy sat in a nearby chair and settled her in his arms. "Please, Love; you are everything to me." Darcy tilted her chin up to where he cold see her face. "Never leave me."
"Never," she said as she kissed his lips, eager to be a part of him. (214-15)
OMG IT'S ROBOT PORN.
*
Anyhoo, Darcy's a vampire. Dhampir, whatever. A fact that's easy to forget, what with it having not much to do with the plot, really, besides give him an excuse to angst all over everywhere. Oh, and he likes to gnaw lightly on Elizabeth's jugular and think about how "tasty" her "blood" would be. Um. Not that he actually survives on blood or even requires it. He's just got a bad case of the blood-munchies? Yes. And gumming her neck all the time gives him angst. Like everything else in the world. But! Then Elizabeth's aunt Mrs. Gardiner lets slip that she gets hickeys all the time from Mr. Gardiner! Elizabeth had never heard of such a thing! Which leads her to think:
Elizabeth's mind churned -- turning fast and faster. What if what Darcy thought to be the perversion of the curse was actually just part of what he desired during lovemaking? What if he was not a vampire? But he was a vampire, she reasoned. She had witnessed his supernatural powers. But what if he is not? (248)
Translation: "Maybe Darcy's not a vampire after all! Maybe he's just kinky!"
ROFLCOPTERS!!
Uh, no, actually, he's still a vampire. Nice try, Elizabeth. Way to apply that mental prowess.
Blah, blah, cliche crap, blah, Darcy confronts evil vampire Wickham, blah, "their gazes met and did battle," blah. (397) In a surprise twist, the Mary-Sues good guys win. Gasp! Then the ending is too stupid for me to bear typing up verbatim, so here's a paraphrase:
Elizabeth: So, about that whole you-being-celibate-forever-and-ever thing...
Darcy: Yes! For I am a CURRRRRSED and evil dhampir, and I shall produce only demonspawn! Er, unless they aren't the eldest son? Or something like that?
Elizabeth: But... but... sex.
Darcy: CURRRRRRRRRRRRSED!!! DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! I COULD NEVER EVER EVER INFLICT THAT UPON FUTURE GENERATIONS, EVER EVER! THIS MUST DIE WITH MEEEEEEE!!1ELEVENTY!!11!
Elizabeth: *seduce*seduce*seduce*
Darcy: Oh, fine. We'll have demonspawn. If you insist. You are awfully hot, and my wife, and all.
Elizabeth: Woo!
Demonspawn: We are cute in epilogue form! And apparently perfectly normal, because it's not like Darcy was a vampire anyway, just a regular guy with Emperor-Palpatine-plus-date-rape powers, and a tendency to lightly massage people's jugulars! We are actually quite cherubic, and didn't even rip out Elizabeth's spine while tearing our way out of her womb at all!
Darcy: LET'S MAKE MORE ADORABLE DEMONSPAWN, STAT!
Elizabeth: Righto!
fin
*
Chandra, I'm sorry Amazon ever told me to buy this for you.
To wash that terrible taste out of our mouths, let's watch Austen on YouTube!:
The Pond Scene. Oh, the Beeb, you know how to pander.
Snarky dancing!
Outrageously adorable dancing!
Austen herself mocking the stupidity of taking vampire tropes too simplistically and thus missing their emotional point! (Plus general lols!)
[1] Freudian Reading Comprehension Slip Of The Day: "I hold a preconceived idea of how these two would get it on in their lives once they were married." But you know that's the motivation behind all these "sequels"! They're just elaborate excuses for all the Stephenie Meyers of the world to fabricate outrageously out-of-character sex lives for the Darcys! EVEN FICTIONAL CHARACTERS HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES TO BE RESPECTED, ALL YOU STEPHENIE MEYERS! Stop being voyeuristic creepers!
[2] Pointless tangent: Jim and Pam's weddings! It's weird watching it on YouTube: like the internet is eating itself.
[3] I remember taking a mandatory touch-typing class in eighth grade, and thinking, "THIS IS SO STUPID WHEN WILL I EVER EVER NEED TO TYPE A LOT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD WOE MY PRECIOUS TIME IS A-WASTING," but now... now I know. It makes copying out big chunks of text from vampire romance novels much more efficient. Thank you, 1998 eighth-grade sophistication, for preparing me for a life on the internet.
You may have noticed my complete lack of progress on New Moon. Umm, the reason for that is that as I was getting ready to wrap Chandra's Christmas present, I thought, "...I"ll just skim a few pages before I box it up." That little misjudgement turned into reading the whole thing, 'cause whoa, that book is almost as hilariously bad as Twilight.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined Pride and Prejudice and Twilight? No? Well, good, that means your brain is working properly. And it also means that maybe you shouldn't read Vampire Darcy's Desire. No, really, it's a real book. Curse you, Amazon, and your whimsical search engine results! I got it for Chandra, hoping for lols. OMG, I HAD NO IDEA.
The astoundingness starts with the author, Regina Jeffers's, preface, which is just so amazing I have give you a giant chunk of the beginning:
When the initial concept came to me from the publisher, Ulysses Press, to write a vampire version of Pride and Prejudice, my hackles immediately rose. To me, Pride and Prejudice is the most perfect novel ever written [okay, I love Austen, but that set off some warning bells], and the thought of someone abusing that story line sent me into a state of amusement mixed with pure irritation. [Irony AND foreshadowing! Signs of authorial skill!]
As a member of the Jane Austen Society of North America, I love everything to do with Jane Austen. However, unlike some hard-core Janeites, I read everything related to her works. Some of it I love, and some of it I throw across the room in disgust; but even when I angrily throw the book against the wall, I retrieve it and continue to read, looking for something in it I can enjoy. There are only a few Austen-related alternatives in which I find nothing I can accept to be possible. [!!!] Most of those I deem ridiculous, however, deal with the story of Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet, because like many Austen readers, I hold a preconceived idea of how these two would get on[1] in their lives once they were married. [SPOILER ALERT!] Austen gives us very specific allusions as to how the couple might achieve happiness, so when presented with the concept, I flatly refused to even consider a vampire version. However, after discussing the idea with close friends and with my editor, I conceded. It was my belief that the project would go forward with or without me. At least if I was involved, I could possibly maintain some integrity in the story. (v)
TAKE NOTE, GENTLE READERS. This will be pertinent soon.
So, the basic plot is, two hundred years prior, the evil vampire Wickham turned Darcy's ancestor into a vampire, and then that vampire had half-vampire/half-human kids, so then the first-born sons of the Darcy line are all "dhampirs," aka kinda-sorta-not-really-vampires. Jeffers never quite explains what being a dhampir means, other than having a vague urge (not a need) to drink blood, some poorly-defined "magic" skills, and Edward-Cullen-esque levels of PURE ANGST AND SELF-LOATHING. And conceitedness. So Darcy is a dhampir (contrary to the, um, TITLE OF THE BOOK), oh noes! Then he falls for Elizabeth, and they are in luuuurrrrrve by, like, page forty. (OUT OF 440!) (Remember how in P&P it takes her like two-thirds of the book to realize she might actually like him? Yeah.) Elizabeth starts out all sleuthy and trying to solve some unimportant off-screen murders, of which she suspects Darcy is the perpetrator, but that's all out the window (with barely a further mention! Despite being, you know, murders) once she notices that Darcy is hot. Then they spend the rest of the book angsting about how this ridiculous dhampir business is in the way of their luuurrrrrrrrve. Oh, and how to kill Wickham.
But the writing. THE WRITING. It's like a cheesy romance novel, except even sillier and more contrived! The most offensive thing, though, is that Jeffers completely ignored every strong personality that Austen created, and she replaced them with blank-eyed little dolls she could play with. Elizabeth's family is nice. Her mother is well-meaning and sympathetic. Her father is utterly dull. And I didn't hate Lydia. I didn't. Hate. Lydia. Because there was not enough character there to hate. Near the end of the book, Vampire!Lydia gets stabbed through the heart, and I hardly cared enough to cheer! Jeffers turned P&P into a Twilight world where the hero and damsel and their lurve float through a watercolor haze of near-interchangeable minor characters.
And then there's Jeffers herself. She's a sixty-ish English teacher who has self-published three other Austen fanfics: one told through "Darcy's perspective," one retelling the story as a modern melodrama in a collegiate setting, and one sequel WHERE DARCY GETS AMNESIA AND THEY HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN. I am not even making this up. Go to her website, where you can see such gems as:
"Writing about “passion” comes easily to Regina Jeffers. A master teacher for thirty-seven years, she has passionately taught thousands of students English"
Hint: do not imply in the first lines of your "About the Author" blurb THAT YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE.
"'I have written all my life,' she says, 'except it was not always in this format. When I write now, I write as I used to choreograph routines for my dance teams'"
"The story of Fitzwilliam Darcy is one most women know."
What.
"Whereas most female writers can relate to the strong, independent Elizabeth Bennet, my friends will tell you my voice comes out of Fitzwilliam Darcy’s mouth."
Oh my god. Darcy, I am so sorry this demented woman is using you as her sockpuppet.
"Romance novels reassure the reader of the value of love in his life"
How old-school is she that she uses by-male-I-mean-unisex-obviously pronouns, even when discussing a group that is overwhelmingly female?
Okay, enough making fun of her website. (Giant typo! In the giant banner on every page!) I'm here to make fun of her book. So, yes, Regina Jeffers is a serial Austen-fanfic writer who just got a real book deal. A few months after Pride and Prejudice and Zombies came out. To write... Pride and Prejudice and Vampires. Coincidence, I'm sure. (Just like Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, published just a few months later, by a different nobody-press. I chose Vampire Darcy's Desire because Mr. Darcy, Vampyre looked WORSE, if you can imagine.) Noooo bandwagon to be seen here! Move along, folks, move along! (Speaking of bandwagons, a quick Amazon search also turns up: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim (uh, that could have some... interesting... racial undertones), The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts, and Zombies, Mansfield Park and Mummies, Emma and the Werewolves, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls (a prequel, same publisher, different author), and, I fear somehow relatedly, The Big Book of Porn: A Penetrating Look at the World of Dirty Movies. Oh wait, it's written by the P&P&Z guy. Classy.)
Where was I? Ah, yes, terrible books. Excerpt time!!
Reaching for her wrapper, Elizabeth pulled it over her muslin gown. "At this time of night, who else could be awake?" She lit a candle and eased her way out the door. The carpeting muffled the sound of her footsteps, but she heard the squish of each step on the marble stairs.
A dim light came from the library as she approached the door. Assuming it to be only the fire burning down slowly, she entered without thinking [right after... thinking it must be the fire?]; but seeing a movement near the hearth, Elizabeth froze, poised for action. Then she recognized the figure, slowly coming to its feet in the shadows.
"Mr. Darcy!" she gasped.
Turning toward the sound of her voice, he felt a pull in his groin, a strange sense of lust and longing. Maybe it was because his heart thudded to a complete stop when his eyes beheld her. Elizabeth stood in the middle of the room, barefoot [and yet her feet "squished"??? Is this Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters???] and in her night shift and dressing gown. His dreams of her did not come close to her exquisite beauty. His heart clenched [ah, moving a bit further north, at least] with the recognition of how much he wanted her. She was everything -- pure intelligence -- pure control -- pure loveliness. "Miss -- Miss Elizabeth," he stammered, "I did not expect company at such an hour."
Elizabeth let her gaze wander over him. He wore tight breeches and a loosely fitted shirt open at the neck. Standing so tall and so erect [BWAHAH], she thought him one of the most handsome men she ever met. "I beg your pardon, Sir. I could not sleep. Netherfield has a reputation for possessing an exceptional library. I came in search of a book." Then, with a touch of mischief she added, "Improve my accomplishments and all." (34-35)
Oh, where to begin?! How about with my steadfast belief that my understanding of Pride and Prejudice was full and complete WITHOUT MY EVER NEEDING TO KNOW THE DETAILED GOINGS-ON OF DARCY'S GROIN. Brain bleach, please! (Not just for the TMI factor, either. "Groin" is a terribly unattractive word, and pairing it with "pull" makes me think "athletic injury,"[2] not "sexy tiems!".) It baffles me that Jeffers claims to be so madly in love with Austen's universe and yet a) have such a poor understanding of its subtleties and b) have absolutely no desire to maintain Austen's writing style or quality. Not even close. There are so many glaring anachronisms, not just in the narrative but in the dialogue! And this woman has TAUGHT AUSTEN'S BOOKS for decades!! Her poor students.
(Just a note: it's not the vampires getting in her way, either: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was infinitely, infinitely better done than this piece of crap. It injected zombies without losing (er, much of) that classy Austen flavor! It IS possible, Jeffers!)
Forgive me, but let's do a whopping big passage[3] here. First, from the original, a key scene:
"Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at!" cried Elizabeth. "That is an uncommon advantage, and uncommon I hope it will continue, for it would be a great loss to me to have many such acquaintances. I dearly love a laugh."
"Miss Bingley," said he, "has given me credit for more than can be. The wisest and best of men -- nay, the wisest and best of their actions may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke."
"Certainly," replied Elizabeth -- "there are such people, but I hope I am not one of them. I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies, do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely what you are without."
"Perhaps that is not possible for anyone. But it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule."
"Such as vanity and pride."
"Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride -- where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will always be under good regulation."
Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile.
"Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume," said Miss Bingley; "and pray what is the result?"
"I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise."
"No," said Darcy, "I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding -- certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost for ever."
"That is a failing indeed!" cried Elizabeth. "Implacable resentment is a shade in a character. But you have chosen your fault well. I really cannot laugh at it. You are safe from me."
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil -- a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."
"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
"And yours," he replied, with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them." (42-43)
So we have the eponymous themes of pride and prejudice, but more importantly, we see the crux of the whole Elizabeth/Darcy mess: they don't quite get each other, and until they do, there can be no real lurrrrve. Like every other Austen (why do I still know the word bildungsroman, Gottlieb??), the whole point of the book is How To Read People, and it's not until they work out a clear picture of each other's (and their own) characters that they fall in love at all. Just about every scene they have together is the two of them debating, trying to figure out the other's exact philosophical position on one matter or another. It is HOT.
...and then there's Jeffers'... "adaptation":
"Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at," protested Caroline.
Elizabeth inquired lightly, "Then you think him to have no imperfections?" Darcy flinched. Had he made a mistake in trusting Elizabeth? She circled where he sat before she spoke again. He felt the intensity of her eyes on his body, and despite his current angst, he reacted to her scrutiny with an unexpected surge of desire. Elizabeth analyzed him from head to toe. "Can a man be so perfect?" she mused. "I wonder what secrets he keeps!"
"I made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding." Darcy commented dryly, attempting to distract himself from his lust. [DUDE, CHILLAX.] He wondered if she comprehended his double meaning. Did Elizabeth truly understand him? "My temper I dare not vouch for. -- It is, I believe, too little yielding -- certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against me. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost is lost forever."
"I would not wish to be a recipient of your wrath, Mr. Darcy." Elizabeth thought she might like to be the recipient of something else, but not his temper. [OMG] "There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome." She started away from him. "Do you not agree, Mr. Darcy?" She gazed at him intently over her shoulder.
"Agree, Miss Elizabeth?" He smiled seductively. "We rarely agree."
"Do you have a need to hate everyone?" she challenged, his superior attitude causing irritation.
Darcy shifted uncomfortably. Hate? All he wanted now was to touch her. "You, Miss Elizabeth, willfully misunderstand me." (64-65)
That's right, Jeffers TOOK THE PRIDE AND THE PREJUDICE OUT OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE. Darcy's pride has evaporated right out of the text, and Elizabeth's prejudice consists of... kinda suspecting him of serial murders? But she quickly abandons that theory on the grounds of NO EVIDENCE OF HIS INNOCENCE WHATSOEVER that Darcy seems waaaaay too nice to be a killer! So she's all over him by page forty. All that's left is the inane vampire B-plot, and the flaw in his character is reduced to grudge-holding, making him into an avenging hero with a "natural defect" called VAMPIRISM. Listen! What's that noise?? Oh wait, it's Austen rolling in her grave.
Summary: Austen - subtle + sex 'n' vampires = steaming pile of poo.
But there's more!
Her arms clung to Darcy's neck. "Elizabeth? I have you; it is all right," he whispered next to her ear. He wanted to kiss her, but Bingley stood too close.
"The-- the woman," she whimpered.
Darcy adjusted her in his hold. "What, Sweetling?"[BARRRRRRRFFFF] he murmured.
"The woman." Her voice held more strength, but she still did not look at anything but him. Elizabeth flung her arm out in the direction of the body.
Darcy followed her motion with his eyes, and then he realized her fear. Lying in a crevice where two hills met, lay what appeared to be the mangled body of a woman. Her face and neck showed the telltale signs of mutilation. "Elizabeth," he whispered, "may I put you down so I can see to the woman?"
"I am afraid."
"I will not leave you," he assured her, "but I must see to the lady." Elizabeth nodded, and he put her down gently under a tree. He cupped her chin with his palm. "I will be right back?" Tears formed in her eyes, and her bottom lip trembled, but she sat quietly and waited for him. (90-91)
FAIL.
Anyhoo, what powers, you may ask, does a vampire/dhampir have in this terrible universe of bad writing?
Darcy never used the powers he possessed on a woman -- powers to make her not remember what happened between them -- but he was sorely tempted to do so now. It would be so simple; Elizabeth would never know, and he could indulge his desire to kiss her and touch her. (40)
Yes, that's right, Darcy's first mentioned vampiric power is ROOFIES. Wtf, Jeffers?!
As for his other power:
"Stay here, Sweetling, and let me work my magic." Darcy released her and turned her back toward the house. Then he spread his arms wide and concentrated his power on the household. Streaks of blue light snaked across the marble balcony, bathing the windows and doors in a sealed energy.... He dropped his arms to his side, but the blue light continued to zigzag about the house, encasing it in a snowstorm of energy. (123)
Shockingly (har!), my first thought was not Return of the Jedi so much as 80's-music-video, and the first song that popped into my head was... "The Safety Dance", so guess what Darcy's theme song now is in my head? Yeah, that lasted, um, a few hundred pages. 'Cause Darcy's friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of his.
Ah, but back to the feminism!fail. Yeah, 196 years later, and Jeffers still manages to have weaker, meeker women than Austen?
She wanted all the things every woman wants: a husband who loved her and children they shared. (136)
I kept waiting for the sentence to keep going and somehow fix itself, but no, my eyeballs just hit that period and fell off a cliff of Meyerian despair.
Speaking of Meyer, guess who's an angst-ridden vampire sworn to celibacy? DARCY. Because his vampirism apparently travels by primogeniture. Yeah. So even though they're married before the book is halfway over... yeah.
"I cannot allow myself to succumb to your charms! I cannot ruin your life by touching you the way I wish to touch you!" (187)
Fitzwilliam Darcy, DRAMA. QUEEN.
Oh, but Elizabeth has gone all Bella Swan on him, and she has other plans:
Elizabeth knew she would surrender to his seductive mastication. (188)
The phrase "seductive mastication" JUST MADE THIS WHOLE BOOK WORTHWHILE.
OM NOM NOM SEXY NOM!
*
Elizabeth tried to swallow -- to clear the burn from her throat -- to say something to him -- but all she could do was to cough again before leaning against his chest -- into his love -- into his protection.
"I have you," he murmured as he took another towel to help dry her. "I will never let you go."
Elizabeth nodded, unable to speak, but thankful for the strength of his arms.
"Do not leave me, Elizabeth," Darcy whispered close to her ear. "I cannot live without you." Elizabeth nodded mutely. Darcy sat in a nearby chair and settled her in his arms. "Please, Love; you are everything to me." Darcy tilted her chin up to where he cold see her face. "Never leave me."
"Never," she said as she kissed his lips, eager to be a part of him. (214-15)
OMG IT'S ROBOT PORN.
*
Anyhoo, Darcy's a vampire. Dhampir, whatever. A fact that's easy to forget, what with it having not much to do with the plot, really, besides give him an excuse to angst all over everywhere. Oh, and he likes to gnaw lightly on Elizabeth's jugular and think about how "tasty" her "blood" would be. Um. Not that he actually survives on blood or even requires it. He's just got a bad case of the blood-munchies? Yes. And gumming her neck all the time gives him angst. Like everything else in the world. But! Then Elizabeth's aunt Mrs. Gardiner lets slip that she gets hickeys all the time from Mr. Gardiner! Elizabeth had never heard of such a thing! Which leads her to think:
Elizabeth's mind churned -- turning fast and faster. What if what Darcy thought to be the perversion of the curse was actually just part of what he desired during lovemaking? What if he was not a vampire? But he was a vampire, she reasoned. She had witnessed his supernatural powers. But what if he is not? (248)
Translation: "Maybe Darcy's not a vampire after all! Maybe he's just kinky!"
ROFLCOPTERS!!
Uh, no, actually, he's still a vampire. Nice try, Elizabeth. Way to apply that mental prowess.
Blah, blah, cliche crap, blah, Darcy confronts evil vampire Wickham, blah, "their gazes met and did battle," blah. (397) In a surprise twist, the Mary-Sues good guys win. Gasp! Then the ending is too stupid for me to bear typing up verbatim, so here's a paraphrase:
Elizabeth: So, about that whole you-being-celibate-forever-and-ever thing...
Darcy: Yes! For I am a CURRRRRSED and evil dhampir, and I shall produce only demonspawn! Er, unless they aren't the eldest son? Or something like that?
Elizabeth: But... but... sex.
Darcy: CURRRRRRRRRRRRSED!!! DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! I COULD NEVER EVER EVER INFLICT THAT UPON FUTURE GENERATIONS, EVER EVER! THIS MUST DIE WITH MEEEEEEE!!1ELEVENTY!!11!
Elizabeth: *seduce*seduce*seduce*
Darcy: Oh, fine. We'll have demonspawn. If you insist. You are awfully hot, and my wife, and all.
Elizabeth: Woo!
Demonspawn: We are cute in epilogue form! And apparently perfectly normal, because it's not like Darcy was a vampire anyway, just a regular guy with Emperor-Palpatine-plus-date-rape powers, and a tendency to lightly massage people's jugulars! We are actually quite cherubic, and didn't even rip out Elizabeth's spine while tearing our way out of her womb at all!
Darcy: LET'S MAKE MORE ADORABLE DEMONSPAWN, STAT!
Elizabeth: Righto!
fin
*
Chandra, I'm sorry Amazon ever told me to buy this for you.
To wash that terrible taste out of our mouths, let's watch Austen on YouTube!:
The Pond Scene. Oh, the Beeb, you know how to pander.
Snarky dancing!
Outrageously adorable dancing!
Austen herself mocking the stupidity of taking vampire tropes too simplistically and thus missing their emotional point! (Plus general lols!)
[1] Freudian Reading Comprehension Slip Of The Day: "I hold a preconceived idea of how these two would get it on in their lives once they were married." But you know that's the motivation behind all these "sequels"! They're just elaborate excuses for all the Stephenie Meyers of the world to fabricate outrageously out-of-character sex lives for the Darcys! EVEN FICTIONAL CHARACTERS HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES TO BE RESPECTED, ALL YOU STEPHENIE MEYERS! Stop being voyeuristic creepers!
[2] Pointless tangent: Jim and Pam's weddings! It's weird watching it on YouTube: like the internet is eating itself.
[3] I remember taking a mandatory touch-typing class in eighth grade, and thinking, "THIS IS SO STUPID WHEN WILL I EVER EVER NEED TO TYPE A LOT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD WOE MY PRECIOUS TIME IS A-WASTING," but now... now I know. It makes copying out big chunks of text from vampire romance novels much more efficient. Thank you, 1998 eighth-grade sophistication, for preparing me for a life on the internet.