The Atwood DITFT: Generation 3, Chapter 10
Author's Note: Hi everyone! Look at me, posting only 2 weeks after the last entry! I'm so impressed xD I figured, I have all the stuff for this and the next chapter, and most of the one after that... it would probably be ok to post a little ahead of time! Especially seeing as I only have a month left of school, wheeeee! Actually though, one day less than a month and it will be summer. Yay! I'm excited and you should be too because summer hopefully means more chapters! With that said, let's pick up where we left off, shall we? There was quite a cliffhanger last chapter, hmm? ;)
The Atwood DITFT: Generation 3, Chapter 10
LAST TIME: Rue found out that James was engaged to a woman named Kayla. Their wedding plans were fairly imminent, and Rue couldn't stand being in Hidden Springs with that knowledge, so she and Millie flew off to China to escape! There, Rue reconnected with Ho Sung, and the two started dating. When we left off, Ho Sung had just proposed...
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Rue was shocked. He’s proposing to me?! Now? Already? What? How can this even work? I already felt a little shaky about this relationship because of James, and because we’re in China, and I don’t want to stay here forever! I want to go back to America someday, but I bet he doesn’t! And how can I say yes when I still have feelings for James?
“I know it is sudden,” Ho Sung said nervously as Rue stood staring at him in shock. “I do not mean to pressure you, for I know it is an enormous decision that should not be taken lightly. But I see great things in you, Rue, and it would please me greatly to share my life with you.”
Rue sighed to herself. She knew the formal tone was just the way Ho Sung was, but she couldn’t help wishing for something a bit more…well, romantic! Still… Maybe this is the best option I have, she realized. I cannot pine over James forever. I really can’t. If I say no to Ho Sung, then what will I have? No prospects whatsoever. Besides, I can’t deny that I have feelings for Ho Sung too. I would not be here right now if I didn’t. Maybe it is time for me to move on. “I… I do think it is sudden, Ho Sung, and maybe a little bit fast. But I’m willing to try with you, if you are. Yes, I will marry you!”
Is this the right decision?
* * *
Lying in bed, cuddling with Ho Sung, Rue could only feel confusion. Though she smiled outwardly at him, underneath she couldn’t help wondering how she felt about having him in her bed. Was this right?
“Thank you for agreeing to my proposal, Rue,” Ho Sung said. His tone was unusually affectionate. “It pleases me greatly.”
Rue smiled. “I’m glad,” was all she could think to say.
“And I am glad to have you here,” he replied.
He kissed her gently. She kissed back with more insistence, trying to prove to him-and herself-that her feelings were real and that this was the right decision.
After some time of this, Ho Sung came up for air and asked, “Would you like to…?”
Oh, no, Rue lamented. What do I say? Sure, she wanted to-she couldn’t deny the physical attraction she felt for Ho Sung. But somehow she had always imagined her first time to be with-
“Sure,” she said, interrupting her own thoughts. Why not?
* * *
That was definitely the wrong decision, Rue woke up thinking.
She stopped and assessed this. That’s not a good thought to have after losing your virginity… What’s really going on here?
Ho Sung had left for work already. Rue took a long bath, deep in thought and mumbling to herself the whole time. A shift had gone through her brain during the night, a shift whose implications she wasn’t sure of just yet. What the hell do I even want? she demanded. No one answered.
She wished she could talk to Millie about all this, but her travel companion had left the night before, when Ho Sung moved in. “It’s been fun, Rue, but I gotta get back to the States,” she had said. “Just… be careful with Ho Sung, okay? I’m worried about you.”
Then Rue remembered her travel journal. It had sat unused in her bag for a few months-about the same amount of time she and Ho Sung had been officially together. It’s not a feelings journal, she had always insisted to herself. It’s to document my adventures.
But now she was realizing that the rollercoaster of emotions she currently felt might be considered an adventure to some; and either way, engagement was a big deal, and it was happening in China, so that had to count for something, right?
It’s been awhile, little journal. So here is the scoop. For the past few months I’ve been dating Ho Sung. I never really wrote in here about how I felt about him (besides being “conflicted”) so it might seem a little out of the blue. I just always tried to avoid writing about feelings in here, because I’ve always dealt with problems by shutting them out. Plus, who really wants to read about my feelings, anyway? Tombs and martial arts and traveling are just more interesting. So if you want to skip over this little section and get back to the good stuff, go ahead. But I’m going to try taking Mom’s advice. I’m going to write about it and see if that helps me figure it all out.
I’m engaged to Ho Sung. He proposed to me yesterday, and I had doubts but I said yes anyway. Last night we… well… I lost my virginity. To Ho Sung! I ALWAYS thought it would be to James. This was okay, but I honestly didn’t feel any magic or sparks or any of that nonsense. It just… wasn’t romantic.
Here’s what I’m worried about. Sometimes I think my relationship with Ho Sung is purely physical. I’ve always thought he was hot-when we were sparring, and stuff, it was… well, wow, I guess. He’s attractive, and we have a physical connection.
But beyond that? I never thought to even look beyond that until yesterday, when he was proposing. Do we even work together? I just don’t think we do! And do I love him? Does he love me? Or does he love that I’m good at martial arts, and meditating, and that I appreciate Shang Simla’s culture and natural beauty and that I like to explore? He sure likes all that, but those are things about me. That’s not me!
I can’t help but compare him to James. I can’t help it! And James wasn’t like this at all. James loved my personality, my mannerisms, the way I squint my eyes when I laugh. He loved my feet and the crow’s feet by my eyes, too. He loved the way I see past his disability like almost no one else can. We were best friends and sweethearts. He loved how we could read books together for hours. And you know how I know that he loved all that stuff about me? HE TOLD ME SO.
I get none of that with Ho Sung. He’s very formal and distant. Which is fine for a martial arts mentor, but for a boyfriend? For a husband?
I just think this is wrong. I didn’t feel anything when we had sex because I don’t feel anything for him! I am attracted to him, and that came through last night, but there is nothing more. I do not love this man. And I don’t think I should marry him.
But I said I would because James is getting married too, and so when I go home I will have nothing left, and I will have to live the rest of my life alone because I know nothing compares to what I had with James. I have no other options left. Ho Sung was what I thought would be a good replacement for James. But that’s all falling apart now.
I can’t marry Ho Sung. It’s not fair to either of us. Mildred was right-I need to be careful for both of our feelings. I have to break this off. It’s okay if I am left with nothing afterwards. This is the right thing to do.
* * *
Jet-lagged and travel-weary as she was, Rue couldn’t have been happier to get home in Hidden Springs. Climbing her front steps she sighed. She knew she would never return to Shang Simla. How could she, after seeing the look on Ho Sung’s face when she ended their engagement? When she told him she could never see him again the day after they lost their virginity to one another?
No, Rue would never go back to China. So maybe it was time to mend a few things back at home.
* * *
“Hi, James,” Rue said sheepishly. “Thanks for meeting up with me. I just wanted to apologize in person for the way I behaved toward you and Kayla when I visited you a year ago.” Before China. Before Ho Sung proposed. Before…all this.
James smiled slightly. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “Don’t worry about it, though. I should have known how uncomfortable it would be for you.”
She shook her head. “No, I should have realized. Don’t blame yourself… you didn’t even know I was coming.”
That much was true. James had had no idea where Rue was during the years after they graduated-or where she had gone after he saw her last year. Each time he saw her seemed to come out of nowhere.
“I feel awful that all that happened the way it did, though,” he said. “Kay was trying so hard to be nice to you, but she didn’t realize…”
“Why was she trying to be nice?” Rue asked. “If you told her all about me, your ex…”
“I did, and she thinks you’re a great person.” James grinned. “Anyone who isn’t prejudiced against people in wheelchairs is a-okay in her book.”
“But I am, though,” Rue sighed. “I dumped you because I wanted to go traveling, and you would’ve been in the way.”
James was shocked to hear such honesty from her. He had known that was the reason, even when it happened, but Rue had sugarcoated it so that it didn’t sound like the direct result of James’ disability.
Yet the intense regret on Rue’s face proved what James already believed: she hadn’t done it because she felt that he was inferior to her. It was about his wheelchair, yes, but that was just a part of life for him. He couldn’t do things other people could, and he realized that. Pointing that out wasn’t prejudice-it was just reality.
“Look, Rue, it wouldn’t have been practical to bring me on all those trips you took. You’re not a bad person for recognizing that fact. And if we’d stayed together, you would’ve stayed home for me, and that wouldn’t have been right. Think about how you would feel toward me if I had kept you from your dreams all this time.”
“I… I wouldn’t love you,” Rue said softly. Then her eyes widened as she realized what she’d said.
“Does that mean you do love me now?” he asked. He looked at her intently, figuring her out like he always could.
“I-no,” she said quickly, “of course not. That’s silly-”
“You don’t have to lie,” James said.
“Okay,” she said quietly. They sat in silence and absorbed the implications of what they had uncovered: Rue was undeniably-and inexplicably-still in love with James. But…
“But you have a fiancée,” Rue finally whispered. “I could never be that girl.”
“You’re not,” he assured her. “We’re not going to have an affair. We’re just talking as friends, right?”
“What are you doing, James?” Rue demanded. “How can you say that after what you just figured out? Why aren’t you demanding never to see me again? That’s what I deserve… especially because you’re married now.” The wedding had presumably happened while Rue was in China-in January, that month that James hated most of all-while Rue was with Mildred, shutting out the world.
James didn’t reply right away. Privately, he was thinking that if Rue had just come along a few months earlier when she arrived last year, none of this would have had to happen. The ache in his chest that he had felt since the day Rue left him was stronger now than it had been in years… stronger than he thought he could handle.
Rue let him sit in thoughtful silence for awhile. She knew her presence must be confusing-even she was confused by what she was doing-and knew, too, that James preferred to work out his problems in his own mind.
When James did respond, it was not an answer to Rue’s question. This didn’t bother her-she figured it was a logical continuation of his thoughts. “What do you think of Kayla?” he asked.
Rue pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. “She’s all right. She seems nice.”
“Oh, don’t bullshit me,” James sighed. “All right. We both need to be more open with each other. What I meant was this: you hated Kayla immediately when you met her. Was it purely out of jealousy? Or why?”
Rue laughed to herself. She could never hide anything from James. “It’s not just that I’m jealous,” she said. “I mean… okay, I am jealous. But it’s also just the way she treats you. Like you’re her charity case, and look what a great, selfless person she is for putting up with you when she could have a fully able person for a boyfriend.”
“She’s not really like that, though,” James said. “I mean, not usually.”
“Just when she wants to impress someone.”
James shook his head. “Why would she-?”
“Trust me,” Rue said. “She was putting on a huge act for me. She figures I’m just like her: proud of having stuck with a guy in a wheelchair for so long. She thinks we can be little buddies-‘aren’t we great? We dated a disabled man and weren’t even prejudiced about it.’ It drives me insane when people think that’s why I was friends with you. Because I pitied you. Yeah right.”
He grinned. “I do know that about you,” he said. “I see it hasn’t changed.”
“It’s because everyone I talk to thinks that!” Rue exploded. “Everyone I’ve ever met has that reaction when they find out who my elementary school friend was. Everyone who realizes that this high school sweetheart I go on about was in a wheelchair, does the same thing: they’re shocked, then they pity me-‘wow, that must have been so hard’-then they’re impressed by my ‘selflessness.’ Fuck that!”
James couldn’t help but smile. He’d forgotten how much he liked Rue, not in the romantic sense, but as a friend. “You talked about me a lot, then?” he asked.
“Is that what you got out of what I just said?” Rue said, exasperated but laughing too. “Well, yes. Everyone I met wanted to know what life in America was like for me, so of course I talked about you.”
“I do know how charming I am, but it’s nice to hear that other people agree,” James teased.
Rue giggled. “Hush. You’re just as goofy as you were in high school.”
“That’s me,” he replied with a tilt of his head. Stop, you’re flirting, he reprimanded himself. It was almost impossible to resist, though-she looked so beautiful, and he had gone so long without seeing her…
Rue was scolding herself in much the same way right across from James. He’s taken, she told herself firmly. Married, and he doesn’t want you anymore. You told him not to wait, and he didn’t wait. You deserve what’s happening now. Reminding herself of this made her sick to her stomach.
Very sick, as it happened. Suddenly she felt like throwing up. “I’d better get going,” she said quickly. But she couldn’t just leave it at that… “But James, I… I’m sorry I told you to move on. I know it had to happen, but… Seeing you again makes me wish I could take back all these years.”
Once again startled by Rue’s openness, James looked at her as she stood up. “That… I…” How could he put into words what he was feeling right now? She couldn’t possibly know that what she had just said felt like an excerpt from his own thoughts. Then he realized one thing he hadn’t told Rue yet. “Rue? We’re not married,” he said bluntly.
“What?” I realize that, idiot. If we were, maybe my life wouldn’t be such a mess right now.
“Kayla and I,” James clarified. “We didn’t get married last January. I… I called off the wedding. I wasn’t ready. We are still engaged, but the date is undetermined. I thought you might like to know.”
Rue stood in total shock. All traces of nausea had completely gone. A thousand questions chased each other through her head, but not one of them formed itself into words she could push out of her mouth. So she just stared.
“Well, I should go,” James said quickly. Now it was his turn to make the hurried escape before his feelings caught up to him. “Nice talking to you, Rue.”
* * *
What the hell is happening? James thought nervously as he made his way home, rain beginning to fall. Talking with Rue, it almost felt like no time at all had passed since they had seen each other. It was like they just picked up where they’d left off-the friendly banter, the way they read each other’s faces, the flirty conversations… He felt at ease with Rue in a way that he never felt with Kayla or anyone else.
Yet the differences were apparent, too. Rue was more bluntly honest now than he had ever seen her in high school. Perhaps, with time away from her sister, she had realized she could speak her mind without being punished for it. This was good, he decided, but it would take some getting used to.
In his opinion, though, their time apart had made Rue ten times more beautiful than she had been. Perhaps it was just that his memory of her didn’t do her justice at all. But whatever it was, she was stunning, and he was worried…
I can’t be falling for her again… can I?
“Wow, what took you so long?” Kayla asked brightly when he arrived home. “You were gone for hours.”
“Yeah…” he said absently.
“I guess you and Rue had a lot of catching up to do?” Kayla supplied, trying to be helpful. “I remember that time she came over, she didn’t say much.”
“I know… Oh, she apologizes for rushing out of here like that,” James said, trying to focus on the woman in front of him instead of the woman he had just left.
“No, no, it wasn’t a problem,” Kayla said breezily. “Here, can I get you a drink? A snack? Do you want to sit on the couch or something?”
“No thanks,” James said, trying not to be irritated at Kayla’s overly helpful attitude. Doesn’t she know I can get things for myself? “I’m going to go try to get some work done.”
“Wouldn’t want the theme park to open later than planned,” Kayla sighed. James was designing an amusement park that was entirely wheelchair-accessible. He was extremely passionate about the project, which he had been working on for many years and would have its grand opening in a few weeks’ time. Consequently, he hardly ever left his home office these days, a fact that did not please Kayla.
He ignored her irritation and parked his chair in front of his desk, with the door securely shut behind him.
Yet today, he did not plan on working. He didn’t even open his work notes. Instead, he went to the very back of his filing cabinet and found a scrapbook his mother had made.
Inside were pictures and pictures of him with Rue. Them on their first playdate, sometime in kindergarten. Playing Doctor Wheelchair, their favorite game as children. Braving the first day of middle school together. Cooking with his mother. Working diligently on the French exercises his mother had whipped up for them. He wondered if Rue was still fluent, as he was. The two of them in high school, hanging out together in his room. Their first date. Prom night. Graduation.
It stopped there. James couldn’t help but feel a pang at that. His mother had been just as devastated as he was when Rue broke up with him. Rue had been like a second child to his parents-all three family members were sort of lost without her. When his mother found out, she gave him the scrapbook, saying, “I guess I don’t need this anymore. I thought you might like to have it now.”
He hadn’t looked at this scrapbook in years… Not since he had met Kayla.
* * *
“…I left once I realized our relationship was basically an empty shell,” Rue concluded. She and James were hanging out again-just as friends, they both agreed-and Rue had been recounting her latest adventures with Mildred (and Ho Sung) in China. “So! I’ve been dying to hear. What’s the story with you and Kayla?”
“Well,” James began, “once you were gone I decided the best thing to do with myself was get an education. I figured that’s what you were doing, in one form or another, so that’s what I did. I became an engineer first; then I went to architecture school. That’s where I met Kayla. She was studying to be a regular old suburban housing architect-her teacher designed our neighborhood, did you know?-while I was in the field of amusement parks. The engineering degree went towards actually making the rollercoasters work, while the architecture degree has helped with… well, everything else. It’s a really fun combination.”
“And what you’re doing with it is very unique, too,” Rue said with a smile. “Making it wheelchair-accessible is such a great idea. I can’t wait to see the park in full swing.” James had taken her on a “backstage” tour recently to see the work in progress; it would be open to the general public in about a week.
“Friends of the architects get in free on opening week,” James said with a grin. “Anyway, Kayla and I had a few classes together, even though our majors were slightly different. She’s a few years younger than me because this was her first Master’s degree and my second, but… we hit it off really well, I guess. Fell in love pretty quickly and I figured, if you were never coming back, I might as well go ahead and get married.”
This didn’t sit very well with Rue. “You’re saying you settled for her.”
“No…” James sighed. “Well, sort of. I guess it’s just… not many women want to be with a guy in a wheelchair. I figured I’d take whatever opportunity I got.”
“So, you settled.”
“…Yeah.”
“Well, are you happy?” Rue asked carefully. “I mean, you postponed the wedding, but you’re still happy, right?”
“I thought I was,” James replied. “And then you showed up again.”
* * *
Rue didn’t like where this was going. She and James had been going out for food or coffee or to see the park’s progress almost every day for the past two weeks. They had basically picked up right where they left off-the friendliness, the honesty, the willingness to discuss any topic that came up-minus the romantic aspect.
And it was killing Rue inside. She could barely stand to look at James and know that at the end of the day, he went home to a different woman. Even after all these years, she still saw him as hers, though he wasn’t. It was devastating to know that he was engaged. Her despair even sometimes manifested itself in physical illness-she had been vomiting almost every day since she got back from China with no explanation.
“Sweetheart, you are still in love with him,” Reagan said when Rue called her one day. “It’s glaringly obvious.”
“I know, I know…”
“Well, are you going to wallow in it, or are you going to do something about it?”
“Mom, I can’t just steal him from his fiancée!”
“Well, there are two things you can do. You can either stop seeing him altogether, or you can act on how you’re feeling. This in between crap is nonsense, it’s not good for you. Why do you keep agreeing to go places with him, anyway?”
Rue laughed to herself. It was so like her mother to say exactly what was on her mind. She became more serious as she thought about her answer, however. “I guess… I just can’t help but hope that there’s a possibility. And I can’t resist an opportunity to be with him. I know that sounds cheesy, but that’s what it is. If he invites me out, I’ll go because I want to be around him. He says it’s just as friends, but honestly, it’s confusing. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”
“He’s thinking,” said Reagan decisively, “that he’s still in love with you. He postponed his wedding, Rue! He loves you, but he’s confused, and too afraid to do anything about it. You have to be the brave one, Rue. Do something about it.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Well, there you have it! I know this chapter was sort of filler-y (lots of pictures of Rue talking to different people) but still, I think a fair amount of stuff happened! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you did please make sure to let me know :D I love to hear from you guys! Thank you all for reading! I'll see you soon with chapter 11!